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From the playlist:

My Little Edinburgh- Piano House

What Could Have Been - Sting, Ray Chen

Poison Tree - Grouper

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Ch. 7 - Filia Mea

A dizzying pirouette commenced in his head as images of the little girl from the doorstep whirled into his mind's eye. With exponential speed, the pirouette swelled into a cyclone that engulfed everything in his vision - Emmeline, the cottage; the whole world began to spin, swallowing him up with it. He was sure the force was emptying his brain out through his ears. Then the cyclone traveled down: ravaging his throat, laying waste to his lungs, and finally settling into the pit of his stomach where it only seemed to worsen. He staggered back, lowering himself into the chair as his insides began to twist in such a way that he thought he might vomit.

He hadn't paid close enough attention earlier, but upon review:

The girl had brown eyes like his.

Her hair was a sandy copper color like his had been in their youth.

"I got my letter this summer." She was eleven years old.

Emmeline didn't have to say it.

Remus was thrust outside of his own body and made to watch from a bird's eye view as he writhed - and yet, except for his trembling hands, he was perfectly frozen. Had he frozen? He was so much colder all of the sudden, and wasn't able to compel his voice to make any sound. He didn't speak. He couldn't speak. The word that went unspoken had stolen his ability to, and even if it hadn't, there weren't enough swear words in English or Welsh.

"Remus, say something," Emmeline finally bade him.

"...You-…Why didn't-…" he uttered, lifting a shaking fist to his mouth in a feeble attempt to keep the nausea at bay as his stomach seemed to turn itself inside out repeatedly. "You never said-..."

Realizing, he stopped himself mid-sentence.

Emmeline just glared at him.

"Even if you'd read the letters, would you have come back?" she questioned carefully.

He didn't have to think very long to know he could not provide her with a satisfactory answer.

Ever since their twenties, Remus had always felt an unspoken kernel of guilt regarding Emmeline and children, but wasn't really sure why. At first, he felt like her misfortune during that ten month separation had been his fault, but realized later that the guilt went far, far deeper than that. It had taken him a very long time to come to terms with the fact that this seemingly irrational guilt stemmed from a horrid secret: when Emmeline revealed she'd miscarried all those years ago, he felt relieved, and thought it must've been a mercy for the child.

And if she hadn't run away, he would have been the one to. He held it against her for so long, but he'd have done the exact same thing.

The cyclone finally dissipated, leaving a wreckage behind. As the most tangible shame he'd ever known engulfed him, he hunched over and put his face in his hands.

No, he wouldn't have gone back for the girl. He would have gone far away and never returned for fear of harming or bringing humiliation upon her. If he hadn't already settled things with Dumbledore for the upcoming school year, he would have done so now.

Softening her heart toward him, Emmeline knelt on the floor in front of the chair. "...After you sent my letters back, I eventually came to terms with the fact that you wouldn't be in her life, even if you did know…I didn't think I'd ever see you again. I had to stop hoping. I would've gone mad..."

His torso shot up as a terrible panic surged through him. "Does she have-…Is she like me-?"

"She didn't inherit the condition," Emmeline interjected gently.

Exhaling sharply in relief, Remus clasped his palm over his mouth to stifle a whimper. It seemed Emmeline's bloodline had spared her somehow.

After letting him sit in the ruins of himself for a few moments, she reached in with delicate hands and tried to start picking up the debris. "...Max has never treated her like anything but his own…"

"...Max?"

"My ex-husband."

"Right..."

But Emmeline looked pained to have to say her next words. "...Which is why I think it would confuse Lucy, if I told her…"

"...Yes," Remus agreed, hiding the fact that this was of some consolation. "Yes, you're right…"

Of course she was right. It was for the best that the girl didn't know. He wished he didn't know. Not only had he left Emmeline with more than a broken heart; he'd already hopelessly failed the child, just as he feared he would all along if he ever had one. Acid began to rise in his throat again.

"But-…" Emmeline began, then second-guessed herself.

"...What is it?"

Smiling wistfully, she reached up to brush some hair away from his eyes. "...But she is like you in many ways. When she grew a little older, she started to look like you. She acts like you. I can see her thinking like you do sometimes. Every time I look at her, I see you…And Max knew. After a while, he er…he couldn't…" she trailed off.

Remus's desolate mind started short-circuiting. Hearing those tender words from her should've felt like a salve; but it didn't. Not after she'd invited him over, forced him to see the things he could never enjoy with her, then encroached on his disgraceful circumstances to deliver the news that another one of his nightmares had become reality. The emptiness was suddenly filled to the brim with a molten rage that felt as though it would burst him apart at the seams - and Emmeline was simply caught in the vicinity of the eruption.

Several seconds passed before Remus sat back up, glowering at her.

"…I think you should go."

Whatever hope had been building in Emmeline's eyes seemed to crumble. "…What?"

He started to stand, dodging her as she attempted to help him out of the chair. Then, moving swiftly towards the entryway, he swung the front door open.

For the first time since she'd seen him the day before, Emmeline was completely speechless.

When she did not take her leave, Remus left the door ajar and stalked into the kitchen, pretending that she'd already gone.

"…I had to be upfront with you before school started. After you saw her today, I was afraid you'd work it out on your own…I didn't come to punish you-"

"You came to hear an apology I cannot give you." He leaned over the sink, then turned on the faucet and rinsed his face with water, hoping that by the time he emerged she'd be gone.

"…So nothing I've said has changed your mind about any of it?"

He shut off the faucet, but propped himself up on his elbows over the basin. "No."

"…I thought you'd at least…want to know a bit about her-"

"I don't. I wish you hadn't said anything at all."

"You can't mean that."

He was silent.

"...Why are you acting like I deceived you-?"

"Why do you think?"

Behind him, he could feel the embers of Emmeline's own ire reigniting. "...You want to have a real conversation about deception? Let's talk about the fact that you reconciled with me just to get a few more shags in before you ran off-"

"My God Emmeline, could you just-"

"-so from where I'm standing, you are in no position-"

"I recall asking you to leave," he barked over his shoulder.

Emmeline huffed an indignant sigh through her nostrils. "...Look, I haven't forgotten our conversations, and I know how this must frighten you, but you don't have to act so beastly-…"

She covered her mouth.

Remus dried his face with the bottom of his shirt and scowled at her, his eyes dark and murky.

Emmeline floundered. "...I don't know why-...I didn't mean-"

"Get out," he bristled softly, sulking past her toward the bedroom.

"Remus, we have to talk about our daughter-"

"Your daughter, Emmeline," he corrected her, pivoting back around. "The only thing that connects me to her is the fact that we share blood, nothing more. Though I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by any of this."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean-?"

"Well you've got a bit of a track record when it comes to this sort of thing."

Her face twitched.

"...That is…unfair, and you know it," she growled. "None of this would be a surprise if you'd stuck around, or at least had the decency to open your fucking mail-!"

"You can't barge in here, drop a bomb like this, and expect me to suddenly start- just- fulfilling paternal duties-!"

"I told you, I'm not asking you to-!"

"THEN LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!"

Emmeline didn't flinch in his wake.

Rattled by his own outburst, Remus backed away to give her more space. Having drained himself of everything else, the only thing that remained underneath it all was this…confounding grief. Not the constant, familiar kind; not the kind that had carved a hole in his chest before trickling deeper and seeping into the marrow of his bones. That was the kind he always carried. This was some new variation that stung him from the inside out in a way he couldn't place.

"…I'd just like to be left alone, please," he pleaded almost tearfully.

Emmeline gave him an opportunity to take it all back.

When no such recantation came, she straightened up. A cold, unfeeling expression crystallized on her face and doused the fire that had been there before. Turning to stone in an instant, she reached into the pocket of her coat and tossed a few flat, rectangular parcels onto the coffee table.

Chocolate.

"I meant to give those to you earlier," she muttered tonelessly. For the dementors.

Remus felt sick to his stomach again. "...Emmeline-"

"I hope you have a successful school year," she said in an impersonal manner before promptly disapparating.

And suddenly, the cottage felt more barren than it ever had.

He stared at the spot she'd just been in, the ache gnawing at the inside of his ribs like a starved creature.

Sleep was out of the question.

So Remus paced.

And paced.

And paced.

Somehow, after over a decade, he'd discovered a horrific new way to let Emmeline haunt him.

It had to be a mistake. He counted up the months, then he counted again. The girl couldn't be eleven yet, he realized; not unless she'd come earlier than she was supposed to…He hoped for Emmeline's sake that she had not. But if she was starting at Hogwarts in the fall-

Oh God.

Hogwarts.

She'd be in his class.

Remus strung a series of profanities together that would've made a sailor blush.

He couldn't do it. He couldn't look into his own eyes walking around outside his body like that and carry on trying to teach a curriculum. He'd have to go to Dumbledore and say he changed his mind.

No, Albus was counting on him. He'd always been reluctant to let Dumbledore down. But this…

The only saving grace was that the girl had no idea. He'd just have to pretend he didn't either. He had a vivid enough imagination. He'd fable to himself that Emmeline came to in a dream as she often did anyway, and that girl's face was simply a manifestation of happenstance.

By some miracle, genetics had been merciful and the lycanthropy had missed her. Remus wasn't sure how, but he was so grateful she'd been spared; grateful he hadn't inflicted such misery on an innocent child, and grateful he hadn't cursed Emmeline to deal with the burden he'd tried so hard to keep from plaguing her in the first place.

It didn't diminish the fact that he'd left her to raise the girl by herself. Well - he wasn't sure when Hurst came into the picture, but he assumed that there had been a time when Emmeline was figuring out how to care for her alone. That must've been quite terrifying, he thought; particularly after the things they'd seen.

And he'd brushed her life off as completely unencumbered, then shouted in her face.

At about four thirty, it felt as though the ache would eat right through his ribcage. Assuming Emmeline was awake too, he made up his mind to go to her and apologize; but just as he turned towards his bedroom to get properly dressed, the things he'd said to her caught up with him.

Track record?

His pace stuttered, and he stilled.

That comment alone was just about the most unforgivable thing he could've said to her. He'd deliberately prodded one of Emmeline's deepest wounds.

And so regaining control of his feet, he continued into the bedroom and crawled back into bed, hoping the ache would finish him off before Sirius ever got the chance to.

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OK I KNOW I KNOW I pulled the classic fanfic secret kid trope, but I'm *begging* you to give me a chance with this one.

Please please PLEASE tell me your thoughts so far, the good the bad and the ugly