A/N: I do not own Super Mario or Harley Quinn.

That night, as wispy clouds drifted across the full moon, Gadd's jalopy rumbled up the wooded slopes of the Rock-Candy Mountains. The moon had just appeared over the mountains, and the jagged peaks looked to be taking bites out of its underside. The car jolted as it drove over a tree root growing across the dirt road. I was jarred from my seat and banged my head on the roof. I rubbed my head and clenched the handle on the inside of the passenger door even tighter. This car dreamed of being held together with something as sturdy as duct tape, and I was worried that every little bump in the road would be the death blow to this rusted, seatbelt-less piece of crap – and, possibly, me.

"How much farther?" I asked through gritted teeth. Dammit, why did I agree to let this crackpot drive?

"Oh, not much longer now," Gadd said, followed by a short burst of high-pitched laughter.

I shuddered. The air was getting colder and colder as our elevation increased, and the jalopy provided no protection whatsoever from the elements. The sunroof and three of the windows had been permanently wedged open after, and I'm quoting Gadd word-for-word here, "a vial of sticky Mystery Slime erupted in here five years ago." The driver's window was shattered, courtesy of the MKPD breaking it open to get to Gadd's keys after he locked himself out of the car years before, and for some reason he's never had it fixed since then. The windshield was covered with dust, splattered bugs, and other unidentifiable shit (no doubt some of it more remnants of that explosion of Mystery Slime), and the windshield wipers were stuck in the up position. Not that any of this mattered at night, because the car's headlights were broken too, so we'd barely been able to see anything outside the car for about half an hour now.

A glowing object briefly came into view far above us and to the left, in a valley between two jagged peaks. I leaned towards the driver's seat to try to get a better view of the pink glow, but by then it had vanished behind a large tree. A gust of wind swirled through the car, and I risked letting go of the grab handle to hug my chest.

I should really have a warmer suit too.

"Did you see that light?" I asked Gadd, pointing to where I'd seen it.

He glanced out the window. "No, but I think that's where the Resort is. Up there, between the Bully-Horn Peaks."

"Bully-Horn Peaks?"

"Yeah. Because they curve up like the horns of a Bully."

…

Okay, didn't know what he meant by a "Bully." I figured it was probably another one of the bizarre-looking creatures that inhabited this world, but I didn't really care all that much either.

Suddenly, Gadd swerved to the left, and a giant tree trunk sheared off the right sideview mirror with a crash. I raised my arms to shield my face from the shards of metal and glass that flew through the open window. For the millionth time I thought that, if I'd known the car didn't have any headlights, I would've brought my night-vision goggles with me when I'd met up with Gadd at noon.

Despite realizing the futility of saying it, I hissed, "Watch. Where. You're. Going."

"Sorry, sorry," Gadd said. "That tree just came out of nowhere."

Several minutes later, after we came within a hair's width of careening off a switchback thanks to Gadd being distracted by singing along to "Elvira" (yeah, the car's radio, of all things, still seemed to fully work), I smashed the butt of my Fun Gun into the radio. The oldies station Gadd had insisted on listening to fizzled out, and the nasal whining of the Oak Ridge Toads faded away.

"Alright, no more music for you," I said.

Gadd sighed. "I like that song…."

"Well, you can giddy-up and hi-ho all you want back at your lab once we take care of King Boo."

At that moment, the same glow from earlier became visible through the trees once more. This time I got a better look at it before it disappeared again. It was shaped like a ghost, and it looked like one of the luminous neon signs tacked onto all sorts of sleazy locales in downtown Gotham.

This time Gadd saw it too. "Yep, that's gotta be the Resort," he said. "Oh man, I hope Hellen's okay."

I bit my tongue and fingered the chloroform-soaked rag in my pocket. I just hoped its potency hadn't worn off on this ridiculously, back pain-inducingly long drive. I stretched my back as much as I could every so often, but there wasn't anything I could do for the leg cramps brought on by spending this long in a car whose each and every dimension was designed with someone Toad-sized in mind,

After another, more gradual, turn, we crossed a bridge that I was half-thankful I couldn't see clearly given the precarious noises it made as the car drove over it. I couldn't see or hear anything right beneath it, so I had no doubt falling through it would've been a veritable death sentence.

A flock of birds took flight from a nearby tree, outlined black against the moon. The road curved again, taking us along the edge of steep precipice for a short distance. Trees trailed away down the slope to our right; through them, I could just barely make out glimpses of the moonlit plains at the base of the Rock-Candy Mountains.

Even if this business venture of Hellen's had been on the up-and-up, I found it really hard to believe that people would be eager to make this long trek up to the top of the mountains to stay at a place called The Last Resort. I could practically hear the theme from The Shining playing as soon as we'd started driving up the mountainside.

Finally, after a few more curves, the jalopy emerged from the trees. Before us loomed a monstrous, misshapen skyscraper that could only be The Last Resort. It had to be at least 350 feet tall, with windows glowing in sickly shades of blue and green. Aside from that the bottom several floors looked almost ordinary, fronted by a courtyard with a large fountain in it; the courtyard and the rest of the Resort were enclosed by an imposing wrought-iron fence. But the Resort's higher floors seemed to lose any sense of order. Giant spikes angled out from the rooftops, one set of windows was shaped like narrowed eyes and a frowning mouth, and one section was sloped, making it seem like the top third of the Resort would come crashing down at any second. Adorning the top few floors was the glowing pink ghost sign I'd seen through the trees, flanked by a pair of huge lightning bolts that flashed yellow every few seconds.

Gadd gasped. "Oh my gosh. There's…there's no way this is what Hellen was building. This has gotta King Boo's doing, it must be. Which means he's here, in all likelihood. Oh man, oh man…."

The jalopy rumbled up to the front gate, whose iron rods were arranged in the likeness of what looked like a circular blob with tiny arms, a short tail, and a gaping mouth filled with four fangs. Gadd nodded to himself. "And a Boo on the front gates…yes, yes, this has to be the King's doing."

I raised an eyebrow. "That's a Boo?"

Gadd turned to me. "Yes. You've never seen a Boo before?"

"No," I said. An idea was coming together in my head. Here's my chance. "Well, I mean, I've seen a few ghosts. I assumed they were Boos, since those are the only ghosts I've ever heard of, but I guess they weren't. Here, I've got a couple pictures of them on my phone. Maybe you could tell me what types of ghosts they are then." I reached into my pocket and yanked out the chloroform rag – then, before Gadd could react, I shoved it over his face.

He gave a muffled scream and thrashed his arms and legs about. "Come on, stop it," I said. "I don't want to hurt you, but I can't have you getting in my way eith-"

Suddenly, Gadd shoved down on the gas pedal with his foot. The car accelerated with a jolt, shaking me off Gadd long enough for him to take a non-chloroformed breath. Meanwhile, the car burst through The Last Resort's gates, which weren't even locked. A second later it smashed into the stone fountain in the courtyard, setting off the car alarm I was shocked the jalopy even had, caving in its front end, and shattering the windshield. But none of the pieces of glass hit us because the car's airbags deployed at the last second, punching both me and Gadd in the face. We flew backwards into our seats, Gadd with his glasses broken and…oh God, did that airbag seriously knock out his one remaining tooth?

Should've just let me put him to sleep.

He crawled for the door and grabbed the handle, but I leapt on his back and stuffed the rag under his face. "Go to sleep…go to sleep…that's it," I said.

But the old coot kept flailing his limbs around, and one of his legs flew up and kicked me in the tit. I shouted and fell back onto my seat. Gadd, meanwhile, fumbled for the door handle. He finally grabbed it and shoved the door open, then tumbled out onto the ground.

Goddammit, even Batsy didn't put up this much of a fight that time I knocked him out and kidnapped him for the Joker.

Gadd stood up outside the car and looked at the Resort. "Hold on, Hellen! I'm gonna save you!"

I sat up and threw my door open. By the time I climbed out of the car; Gadd was already rounding the fountain towards the Resort's front doors. He had a head start, but then again, I had longer legs. I dashed around the side of the fountain opposite Gadd. The huge, ornate front doors were made of wood with the words "THE LAST RESORT" carved into them. Golden light shone on the doors from spotlights in the small gardens to either side of the entrance.

Gadd came around the fountain and dashed towards the doors, but I lunged for him and wrapped my arms around his legs. He tripped and fell to the ground. "Get off me!" he cried. "You're with him, aren't you? W-with King Boo? I knew I shouldn't have trusted you!"

"Look," I grunted, "I'm not with King Boo, but I'm pretty damn certain Hellen is, and I can't have you effing up my plan to stop them. Believe me, I know how easy it is to blindly fall for someone and…and ignore all their problems because you think they care about you. But you've gotta consider that maybe Hellen doesn't care. Maybe her goal all along was to just get close to you so she could spring King Boo free from that Polter-whatever thing you trapped him in!"

"No! Hellen loves me! Do you have any idea how hard it is for an old, eccentric inventor like me to find true love? Hellen's…Hellen's one in a million, and you want to take her from me! I won't let you!"

"Why the hell would I want to take her from you? I hardly even know you!"

"Yeah, and King Boo hardly knows me, but that's never stopped him from being a jerk to me! Bowser hardly knows Peach, but that hasn't stopped him from kidnpping her time and time again!"

"Except they're bad guys and I'm not!"

"Yes you are! You want to kill Hellen!"

"No, I want to rescue Luigi. I'll only kill Hellen if it's absolutely necessary, which would be justified because she's evil!"

"No she's not! You just can't stand that I've found true love, and you want to take her from me!"

Okay, I could see this was getting us absolutely nowhere. We could either go around and around this argument all night, or I could finish the job I'd set out to do in the first place.

I let go of Gadd. He scrambled to his feet, but so did I, and before he could run away, I kicked his leg out from under him. He fell down again, face-up this time, and groaned, "Dang it, that was my bum knee too – oh come on!"

I shoved the rag over his face, muffling his further protests.

It took almost half a minute for the fumes to finally knock him out, so either he had some sort of secret superhuman powers, or those Toad genes made him virtually immune to being chloroformed. At this point I didn't even have a clue which seemed like the more likely explanation.

I stood up and surveyed the front of The Last Resort. It towered over me, and from this angle it even looked like it was precariously leaning forward.

Let's hope I can get in, find Luigi, and get out quickly before this whole building comes crashing down on top of me.

I walked up the few steps to the front doors and prepared to knock on them. But before I could, they swung inward on their own, their hinges creaking and groaning. I took a deep breath and stepped into the gloom within the Resort. A rectangle of moonlight shone through the doorway, illuminating the tile floor with a pale grey glow. Then, as I stepped farther into the room, several lamps and jack o' lanterns in the room flared to life, yet the majority of the room remained covered in darkness. Directly in front of me, between two curving staircases, was a reception desk with a gift shop area behind it, where most of the lamps were situated.

As my eyes adjusted to the dark, I studied the rest of the lobby before proceeding any further. The jack o' lanterns were situated on tables to my left and right, along with bundles of balloons printed to look like screaming faces. Next to each table was a stone gargoyle; the jack o' lanterns' flickering flames cast huge, grotesque shadows of them on the walls.

Suddenly, the front doors slammed shut behind me.

I jumped and turned around, then tried the doorknobs. Locked. As if I needed any further confirmation that this place was haunted. Seeing no other exit from the room, I grabbed my Fun Gun off my back and proceeded up one of the flights of curving stairs, which both led to the same landing above the reception desk. An eerie whistling came from the rafters far above me, and the stairs creaked as I stepped on them. Aside from that, all was silent.

Once I reached the landing, I decided to head to the right and see what was down that hall first. At the end of the first left off the hall was an elevator.

Jackpot.

Of course, that was assuming the elevator even worked. But somehow I had no doubt it would. Hell, the front doors had opened before I even knocked on them. Whether it was King Boo or Hellen or someone else in charge of this place, someone wanted me here.

I walked up to the elevator and pressed the dingy button in the wall to call it to the lobby. The doors immediately opened with a prolonged, distorted ding that sounded more like a dying wail. The light in the top of the elevator flickered, and there was a gaping hole in the center of the floor. I cautiously stepped into the elevator, sticking to the edges of the small space as much as I could. I risked a glance into the hole, but couldn't see anything in it. This shaft clearly extended below the lobby; I just had no idea how far.

I turned around and studied the elevator's buttons. All the floors were indicated with numbers alone except B1 and B2 – probably basement. There were thirty other floors, although a few of them couldn't be accessed because their buttons were missing.

Let's see...if there's a bad guy inhabiting this place, they've either set up shop on the lowest floor or the highest floor. So either Floor B2 or Floor 30. Which basically came down to determining whether King Boo was a Top-Floor Bad Guy or a Bottom-Floor Bad Guy. I was going with Top-Floor Bad Guy, given that they're the types who are more…ostentatious in their evil designs, and I don't think there's much that's more ostentatious than a thirty-floor high-rise with a giant, glowing ghost on top of it. On the other hand, Bottom-Floor Bad Guys are those who are more likely to set up shop in an abandoned factory or some other inconspicuous location that isn't gonna draw anyone's attention.

I pressed the button for Floor 30. The button glowed purple, and the elevator's doors squealed shut. The elevator began its wobbly ascent up the shaft, jolting every several feet. I hunkered down in a corner, trying to decrease the odds of me losing my balance and falling into the hole in the floor as much as I could.

Then the elevator shuddered to a halt.

There's no way I'm already at the 30th floor, given how slowly this thing's moving. Hell, I doubted I was even at the 15th floor. I got up and pressed the button for Floor 30 again. Nothing happened. The controls were dead.

Dead.

I looked above the doors to see what floor number the elevator had stopped on. Floor 13. Geez, King Boo and Hellen were really going all-out to hammer home the whole "we're evil" thing. Or maybe they were just Swifties, but I somehow doubted that.

Suddenly, the doors screeched open with that same awful sound as before, revealing a long hallway. The left wall was dominated by a row of tall, arched windows that admitted shafts of ghostly moonlight onto the floor and opposite wall. Lining each side of the hall were suits of armor clutching halberds, each standing on a pedestal. The far end of the hall made a turn to the right, where more faint light shone in through windows that were presumably along the front of the Resort.

I took a tentative step out of the elevator. When nothing happened, I took a second step.

No sooner did I do this than the doors slammed shut behind me, followed by the faint, staccato hum of the elevator ponderously making its way back down the shaft. I turned back and banged on the doors. "Son of a bitch!"

Then a grating cackle came from above and behind me. I spun around to see two purple pinpricks of light floating far above me, near the ceiling, with a larger, pink glow above them.

"Who's there?" I shouted.

The laugh came again, and the two purple lights narrowed.

Wait…those aren't lights, they're eyes.

All three lights grew larger, descending from the ceiling towards me. "My, my, aren't you a long way from home," the voice came again. "I'm sure you'd have quite the story to tell…if I cared to hear it." The figure floated into one of the patches of moonlight shining through the windows, revealing his true form.

Against my will I gasped. Not because he looked scary to me, given all the things I'd seen in my time, but because given the baseline goofy appearance of pretty much everything else in this world, he was a flat-out nightmare in comparison.

He was clearly a Boo, given the likeness of one I'd seen on the front gates, but looked a hell of a lot more sinister than that one had. His glowing violet eyes were surrounded by deep shadows, but the rest of his skin was a sickly cream color. His blue tongue hung out between jagged, yellowing fangs, and the pink glow I'd seen was emanating from a large crown on his head.

King Boo.

He studied me, then gave the slightest of nods. "Interesting. Few have ever gazed upon my true form and not given off the slightest…hint…of fear." A flash of pale green light filled the hall, and when it faded, he was floating less than a foot in front of me. "So before I vaporize you into atoms, tell me…what led you so far astray as to trespass in my domain?"