AU: The other side of Jack's phone call to Sam...
Chapter 9: "Sam, are you... you know?"
Thursday, 11th March 2004 – SGC Locker Room – Jack O'Neill
So, I had done it again. Stuck my head in that damn glorified wall library to stop the bad guy, despite Kawalsky's reminder that I had more than myself to think about. The truth was, I always had more than myself to consider. There was a galaxy load of people who would suffer if Anubis found the Lost City. Who was I to decide that my family was more important than billions of families across the Milky Way. My second family. I should have known that the universe would have a spanner ready to throw as soon as I dared to forgive myself for Charlie and move on.
It's not as if I had a choice since the damned wall wouldn't activate for Charlie and there was no way I could let Daniel do it otherwise we'd never figure out what he was saying. I had instinctively known that it would not work for Charlie, but some part of me wanted it to, the selfish part that wanted to go home and live out my new life and let someone else deal with a melting brain.
Gotta love that selfless integrity that I was imbued with at some point in my life.
Both military Sam's would understand, in fact they'd have stood beside me, backed up my decision and probably helped carry me to the Gate. I knew my Major would have, because she had done it before, more than once. Hell, the Lieutenant Colonel probably did do that in her timeline. It was times like today that I really missed having Carter in the field. She never failed to give unerring support no matter what stupid thing I did or said.
I wondered if the older Sam Carter would give me the time of day if I showed up on her doorstep? After calling off our dinner, I expected she would be cold and aloof again.
I deserved her scorn.
I hadn't even had the balls to tell her that my Sam… her younger self had died. Instead sending the message along with John, demanding that he bring her to her own damned funeral.
Had she run from Anubis' drone as my Sam had? Maybe not since she survived. Then again, lots of things were different for her. For one, I had never gone to her house that night. Clearly never told her what she so desperately wanted to hear.
Had her Jack been stupid enough to stick his head in that machine?
Probably.
I just hoped that Samantha would understand and, dare I say it, move on if I didn't come home. As much as I would love for her to still have my Sam's baby, I would understand if she wanted to call it off. I couldn't expect her to go through a pregnancy alone again – once was enough.
Then there was Grace. The little girl who had given me so much in such a short time. My little girl. 'Shit!' I thought as I banged my head on the metal of my locker door. The sudden feeling of regret flowed through my veins like the ice cold of morphine, dulling my senses to everything except for the images of my daughter running, jumping, and smiling – her giggles filling the vestiges of my mind not occupied by those images.
What was I going to tell her?
Goodbye seemed too final.
Farewell? Not final enough.
'See you later!' Would I? Probably not.
It was the same with Charlie. I'd play ball with him, hug him, then tell him I had to go, that I loved him, and I'd see him again soon. No mention of the probability of his father never coming home that rode on the coat tails of every mission. That was why so many black ops soldiers avoided family or personal connections.
"Jack?" I turned to the sound of the familiar voice. Daniel. I hadn't even heard the door open.
"Danny."
"How's your head?" I smiled at his question. He'd been there the last time; he knew the stakes. Only this time, there was no Halla on the other end. It was gone and the Asgard were increasingly hard to get a hold of.
"Still mine. So far." I responded listlessly. I needed to go home, I needed see my girls, to tell them what had happened and what was going to happen. But first, I needed to do something else. Something I had tried to do many times over the last several weeks, but always stopped myself in favour of keeping the peace and honouring her wishes.
Hearing her voice last Sunday… set my heart rate soaring. She was still my Carter. Then I had to call her to cancel our dinner, and I could not pretend that I hadn't heard the resignation in her voice. Swallowing down a lump of emotion, I looked back at my friend.
"Want me to come with you?"
Did I want him tagging along while I told my family that I was going to die? Watching him, I could see a multitude of thoughts dashing through his mind. He had lost one best friend – his surrogate sister – to this damned war already. Nearly lost me in the process because of my inability to live without her. Another walked away from him – from all of us and remained in hiding – her only contact with the outside world being a scrawny teenage version of me and a man who I respected as my former CO and loved as a dear friend.
Daniel had carried the disappointment amicably. I had hoped our reconnection at dinner would change that for the better. Maybe it still would if she'd ever forgive me.
One thing was certain, Daniel had come far from the bumbling, emotions-on-his-face Doctor Jackson I had met over eight years ago. No longer could I read what he was thinking. I guess the fact that I knew inherently proved how much we had grown as a team, as friends, hell, as family.
Crooking the corner of my mouth up, I replied, "Umm… I don't… Raincheck?" I asked, unable to say what I was planning because I knew the first thing I did would not be to go home to my wife and daughter and didn't think he would approve. It was just that I could not leave this existence without trying to mend the rift between Carter and I, even if it was one of last things I did before my brain shutdown.
I probably should have called her hours ago, but I'd been too chicken shit just like the last few times. Now, it was gone 1800 after a ream of mandatory tests in the infirmary only to be told that my brain degradation was happening faster this time. That I would probably have six or seven days at most. Maybe eight if I was lucky, though by then, there would be nothing left of Jack O'Neill worth saving.
"Yeah. I get it Jack." He interrupted solemnly. Nodding mutely, happy that he knew where I was coming from without actually knowing. I didn't particularly want an audience since I wasn't sure how Samantha and Grace would react to the news. Samantha remembered her Jack going through this the first time, only he'd not been as lucky to have the Asgard fall over themselves to help their SGA out. She never did say how he managed get through his download. This time it might be the same for us. We had not heard from the Asgard in a long while.
"Tomorrow?" Looking down at my booted feet, I felt awful for asking him to give me a day. Thankfully, I didn't need to. "Saturday, it is then." He added with a smile.
"Yeah, sure Danny. Saturday." I agreed listlessly. "Thanks."
"Should we bring Charlie with us?"
I looked up sharply, then remembered that he was talking about Kawalsky. Despite it having been a few weeks, I still sometimes tripped over the whole 'Charlie' thing. Since I had lost my son, I had met two other 'Charlie's', both no longer here and both a stark reminder of my son. I guess losing my best friend so many years ago made it hard to sublimate that he was right here with us.
"Yeah. I think so. Samantha might need the support. He was her you on the other side." I reminded him.
"Really? I got the impression…" I looked sharply at his tone of voice. "You know what, it's nothing. Ignore me." I nodded, pulled my phone out of my locker, and shut the door. The audible clunking sound of the locker room door closing signalled Daniel's departure.
I suspected something between Samantha and Charlie on the other side. Whatever it was, it was over. Samantha had said she made mistakes after I died on the other side. She never said what, but the occasional longing in Kawalsky's eyes told the story. I figured that one or both of them would spill the beans eventually.
I wasn't any better really, except that the woman I jumped into bed with was an alternate version of the woman I had loved with my whole heart and lost in the worst way possible. Swallowing heavily, I gripped my phone and closed my eyes as images of Sam being thrown backwards by the drone's blast, blood in the sand and the sounds of her dying assaulted my senses. I could feel her shaking and smell her blood even though it had been weeks ago.
I still woke up from nightmares to find Samantha in my bed which normally led to bedroom activities. Sometimes it was gentle love making, other times it was the hard grounding type of sex that I needed to bring me out of the nightmare and into the real world. The same had happened for her when she half woke after losing her Jack with streaming tears. She had needed grounding, proof that I was alive and with her.
Opening my eyes, I stared at the phone in my hand. I knew it wouldn't work this far underground. Moving my eyes from my phone to the built in doorless cupboard area near the locker room door and the recessed land line phone sitting on a yellow phone book. I should be able to get an outside line on that. It took barely three of my long-legged strides to get there.
Flipping open my phone, I scrolled down the list of numbers until I found the number I was looking for. Taking a deep breath, I picked up the receiver, inserted my finger into the aged rotary dial and spun up zero for outside line. The sound of the pulsing tone in my ear signalled that it had worked. Looking at the backlit display of my phone, I dialled up each number one after the other until it started ringing.
I was nervous. At length, the phone picked up.
"Hello."
~ ~ J 💞 S ~ ~
Thursday, 11th March 2004 – Lieutenant Colonel Sam Carter (Retired)
"Sam?" I took in a breath. It was him. It was Jack. A silly thought since I had seen his name light up on my phone while I sat straddled across the thighs of his clone on the sofa engaged in an activity one should not be doing while on the phone.
My immediate reaction was to callously demand why he had called, until John ran his hands up my back and around the front to play with my breasts. Reaching towards the young man in front of me and placing my hand on his cheek, he knew straight away what I needed, wrapping his slender hand around my old scarred one. Of course, he would. He was Jack. He smiled and brought my hand to his lips while his other hand found my hip and encouraged me to keep moving.
"Jack. How are you?" The question seemed perfunctory, as if I hadn't even put any thought into what my first words would be to him if he ever gave me the time of day again. I had been such a fool. Twice.
"You know, living…" He cut himself off and with a huff. "Sorry, I shouldn't have called."
"No, it's OK. Don't…" I swallowed again, trying not to make any other sounds, "…don't hang up. Please. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I apologised, but it sounded hollow and wrong. Those words were not strong enough for what I had done to him. What I had said. What felt like minutes passed in complete silence.
"I did it again." He murmured and I imagined he was looking at his feet when he said that.
"Did what?" I asked, though I already knew. He must have known that I was being obtuse because he chuckled a mirthless laugh down the line.
"You know what."
"Yeah." I breathed, it sounded a little more sexual than I was planning, but you know… I had my reasons.
"Sam, are you… you know?" He asked in an accusatory voice.
"Umm. No, of course not." I lied as my eyes rolled into the back of my head when John found the exact spot that got me going every time.
More silence.
"Just please, tell me one thing… do I get out of it?" I clamped my eyes and my mouth shut. I shouldn't tell him, but on the other hand, things were different. Yet, I could not justify the what ifs. "Sam. Please. I need to know." He pleaded. God, I hated when he did that. It didn't happen often.
"Jack, you know I shouldn't tell you."
"Why not? This isn't your future anymore. It's all different. Please, Sam." I closed my eyes willing myself to stay strong. "If not for me, do it for them." He added. I knew he was talking about Samantha and Grace.
"For crying out loud, Sam. Tell him." John muttered as his brushed his lips over every part of my body he could reach.
"Why?" I ground out, hearing the jealousy in my voice which frankly shouldn't be there because of where I was and what I was doing right at this minute.
"Sam, please. I've never asked anything of you, but I am asking this one thing after I'm gone." He was pleading, not really believing he'd survive this. I knew he would. I remembered fighting on his behalf to get him help from the Asgard. He had Samantha to do that for him now. "Please say you'll help her. Help them." I wanted to fight him, to rail against him. To deny him his wish… but the image of a little brown haired girl blowing bubbles and skipping through the corridors of a grey walled spaceship flashed in my mind. The giggles and the singing tore at my heart. She was an innocent in all this.
"OK." I replied, receiving a broad Jack O'Neill smile from the young man in front of me.
"Oh, thank God." He breathed down the phone. "She's so beautiful, Sam. My own little Carter." I could hear the smile in his words and my heart ached for opportunities lost. "She's going to need her Great Aunt Sam, and Samantha will need her best friend." My breath hitched despite my attempt to keep it concealed making John smile again. Bastard.
"B-best friend?" I stuttered, "She called me that?" I couldn't believe that after the way I treated her, that I'd be anything other than competition.
"Everything's different now, Sam. You never cut ties, you stayed friends, you let me love you the way you deserved, and then your spirit brought my little girl to me." He said in a broken voice that I had never ever heard from him before. I sucked in a breath and covered my mouth to stop the sob as two fat tears rolled down my cheeks. "You coming here made it all possible, Sam. I love you."
Hearing him say that while John made love to me broke the banks causing an audible outpouring of grief and love and happiness along with the electrical pulses from the both of us finishing together. I cried and laughed together trying to mask the sound of my pleasure, the single choking sound morphing together into its very own unique sound.
"Sam?" Jack said, "Are you OK?"
"You betcha." I replied. John just grinned at me and leaned his head back on the sofa looking extremely satisfied.
"So, I have the team coming over on Sunday. I'd like you to come. Both of you." He asked with a hopeful sound in his voice.
"Sure. Should we bring anything?"
"Just yourselves, and a little more decorum than you had with this phone call." He laughed making me sit up straighter and stare at John.
"What do you mean, Jack?" He laughed again.
"Sam. Samantha." He crooned, making my skin prickle. "I've been listening to you orgasm for a while now. Say hi to John for me." I could feel my blush spreading rapidly across my face and down my neck. He knew, yet strangely enough, I didn't care.
"I will. Thanks."
"See you Sunday, Carter." He replied and I sensed that the conversation was over.
"Jack!" I called out before he could end the call.
"Yeah?"
"Four months. Thor will come." I told him hoping that I was not lying because with everything so different, maybe this time he wouldn't be so lucky. Then again, maybe Thor arrived in a few weeks.
"Thanks, Sam." He replied with a smile in his voice then hung up.
"So much for stealth, hmm? Seems I know you better than you know yourself." John said with a smile as he tucked a piece of hair behind my ear.
Rather than answer, I smiled broadly and leaned into kiss him before standing up. I needed to shower. I didn't get far before John wrapped his arms around my waist and walked with me to the foot of the stairs. Once we were there, he let me go and we walked up together.
The more I spent time with him, the more I was determined to find Thor. Not just for Jack, but for myself. For John. He would need them when I was gone. For the first time in forever, I felt like the life I wanted was in my grasp. All I needed was help with a little temporal displacement issue.