Bilbo couldn't help but admire the great dragon as it stalked into the massive hall, facing the odd mold that Thorin had just filled with liquid gold. However Smaug stopped cold about halfway into the hall, as if it sensed something.
"Really? You actually think I would be stupid enough to fall for that sort of trick? I might have been half-awake before when your little burgler showed up and disrupted my nap, but even then I wouldn't be foolish enough to go near that thing," drawled Smaug with annoyance.
Thorin had a slightly panicked look, as if he thought Smaug's rage would have blinded him to the trap he had set up on the fly.
"Now are you rude little fools going to apologize for waking me up or will have to roast one of you first?"
Bilbo... had to blink.
"Apologize? You stole our home!" shouted Thorin.
The dragon rolled it's eyes.
"Last I checked, the only thing living in this cave was a dragon with an overinflated ego and not a lot of sense. Really, he should have smelled I wasn't interested when he tried to initiate a mating flight with me," drawled Smaug.
'Wait, what?' thought Bilbo.
He was not the only one thrown by that comment, especially about the 'mating flight'.
"Don't try to fool me, Smaug!"
Now Bilbo definitely could sense the annoyance coming off the dragon.
"If you're referring to the foolish wyrm that was inhabiting this little underground kingdom of yours, I would have to ask which way you fools came from. It's rather hard to miss the rotting corpse of a dead dragon," the dragon drawled. "That and the fact that I ripped a chunk of his throat out for presuming I had come here to mate, rather than to challenge him for his hoard."
Bilbo was quite likely the only one willing to take the dragon at their word.
"Are you telling me you killed Smaug?"he called out from behind his pillar.
"Two weeks ago, at least. I've been trying to catch up on some much needed sleep when you lot showed up...gold is not as comfortable as you would think to sleep on."
Bilbo couldn't help the snort of amusement, he really couldn't.
Thorin seemed to finally get it in his head that this might not actually be Smaug.
"If you're not Smaug, then who are you?"
"Well my heart's-kin called me Pandora," replied the dragon.
Pandora sounded distinctly like a woman's name, which made sense considering the dragon had openly admitted Smaug had attempted to mate with them before they ripped his throat out.
Though he had to ask, carefully peeking around his pillar, "Why did Smaug assume you wanted to mate with him?"
Pandora rolled her eyes.
"You don't know much about dragons, do you? When a dragon has an established hoard and another one enters their territory, there are usually only one of two reasons, provided that the second was not simply passing through. It's either trying to establish a nest of it's own, or to try and claim the other dragon's hoard. However if the dragon in question happens to be of the opposite gender of the one in the territory, then there is the possibility it's there to mate. The more impressive the hoard, the stronger the dragon that comes in response. It's no different from the way male peacocks flaunt their tail feathers in order to entice the females," replied Pandora. She paused. "Though usually it's the male that goes seeking the female, since they're less likely to challenge other dragons for their territory."
That made everyone there pause...it made a very strange sort of sense.
To say they were at an awkward stalemate was an understatement.
"Now are you lot going to apologize for waking me up or not?"
"This is our home. Why should we need to apologize for coming to reclaim it?" demanded Thorin.
Pandora glared at him.
"How would you react to being rudely woken up by someone attempting to kill you and insulting you so openly?" she snapped. "As for reclaiming it, do I look like I have a use for all these blasted rooms? That arrogant lizard's scent still hasn't dissipated from the place!"
That...made way too much sense about why she was so cross with them.
Bilbo felt like he had to take the situation in hand, before Thorin pissed her off that she killed them anyway. From what he could tell, this dragon was far more reasonable than Smaug had been.
"Apologies miss. However you can understand our confusion since everyone was under the assumption Smaug was still alive, but asleep in the mountain. Not even our wizard was aware that he had been...replaced," said Bilbo tactfully.
Pandora sniffed with annoyance.
"Considering I only arrived three weeks ago, I can understand why. However I am not leaving... I claimed the hoard fair and square, and if I let you lot take over then it's going to bring me no end of trouble later."
Seeing Thorin about to explode at that, Bilbo was quick to counter that comment. Apparently he was the only one with any sense...and besides, he really hadn't wanted to fight a dragon anyway. Her foul mood at being rudely woken up was perfectly understandable.
"Perhaps a compromise?" Bilbo suggested.
"I will not compromise with a dragon!" shouted Thorin.
"I'm listening...since you seem to be the only one with any manners," said Pandora at the same time.
Needless to say the dwarves were in shock hearing that comment.
"Thorin how exactly did the dwarves acquire so much gold? I can't imagine all of it was from mining," asked Bilbo.
"Trade," replied Thorin without thinking. "Mostly to those seeking weapons or jewelcraft, but the bulk of our transactions for that was for food and drink."
"And she has already admitted she cannot possibly use all the rooms here," said Bilbo.
Pandora breathed out a ring of smoke, almost making him long for his pipe.
"What are you suggesting, Master Baggins?" said Thorin crossly.
"She stays to guard the gold and possibly help with the forges, and in exchange guards the place and doesn't have to hunt for food," said Bilbo, thinking on the fly. "That forge with the gold inside was stone cold and you never would have gotten it started without her help otherwise... what about the other ones?"
"Are you saying that they keep me as some sort of pet?" growled Pandora.
"Not a pet... a valued partner," said Bilbo very quickly.
Pandora growled, before an idea occurred to her. One that sounded far less offensive. A speculative look appeared in her eyes, one that Thorin didn't particularly like.
"I suppose I could charge the dwarves 'rent' or something..."
"Now wait just one moment!" shouted Thorin.
Pandora gave them a flat look.
"Which would you prefer, dwarf? An agreement with a dragon that no one likes but everyone can live with, or the uncertain chance that you could defeat me in battle when you had no real idea of how to kill Smaug in the first place? At least this way we can both save face to some extent, even if no one is completely happy with the arrangement."
Well when she put it like that, it was hard to argue against the idea of 'paying' her to let them live there.
The next afternoon...
Thorin had to give Pandora a very odd expression when he heard one of her chief demands.
Bilbo, on the other hand, felt slightly relieved.
"You want to us to make you a library?" he repeated incredulous.
"Have you ever tried to sleep on gold? It's hard, uncomfortable and makes far too much noise when you move! You two-leggers become completely belligerent whenever something sparkly enough appears within your reach. You'll kill each over for a bit of beaten metal or shiny rock!" said Pandora. "However knowledge is something that should be acculmulated and shared within reason. That at least you can take with you once you're dead."
"She has a point," said Bilbo sensibly.
"Besides, the racket you lot are almost certainly going to make once you get the forges up and running again are likely to drive me insane. I prefer the peace and quiet," added Pandora. She gave Thorin a stink eye. "Unless you would rather I keep my claim over the gold instead of making the dwarves do all the work in creating the largest library in Middle Earth."
That shut Thorin's complaints up. If the dragon would rather hoard books and was willing to permit them to reclaim Erebor in exchange for adding to her book collection and not having to hunt, then it was a rather small price to pay. That they would have to negotiate in exchange for her help restarting most of the forges was a small matter... all he particularly cared about was the gold.
That isn't to say Pandora is completely uninterested in "shiny things" as she calls them. Bilbo had caught delicately picking up random bits of jewelry and interesting knicknacks for herself. Considering none of the dwarves saw this, the hobbit wisely kept his silence on the matter.
It wasn't that she had no interest...it was that she was decidedly picky about the pieces she actually wanted. And he had to admit, she was entirely correct that gold was very uncomfortable to sleep on.
Though nothing could have prepared him for the day when Kili and Fili actually found what was left of Smaug. Finding out that the dragon had been telling the truth about his demise (via a very LARGE chunk missing from his throat...she had nearly bitten the older dragon's head clean off!) had come as a shock to Thorin, who stubbornly kept believing her to be the same dragon who evicted them from the kingdom to begin with.
Considering Thorin had personally gone to inspect the corpse, he had returned with a rather sour look on his face saying that yes, it was the same dragon who had cost him his home. Finding out that the great beast had been killed by another of it's own kind who didn't like the idea of being his mate was both amusing and something that made him feel a bit disappointed.
Mostly it's because this particular dragon makes Thorin and quite a few of his company feel as though they're faced with their own mother's when the woman is quite cross with them for misbehaving. It's quite disconcerting, but the ravens have at last returned to Erebor which means that the worst of the danger has passed.
Thorin is quick to send a message to his cousin...along with a small complaint that things didn't exactly turn out as everyone anticipated, but that they were all alive and well, if battered.
With any luck they'll drive this particular dragon out with the noise alone, if her comment about preferring the peace and quiet was any indication.
It took all of three days for news of Smaug's demise to reach Dale, though all the dwarves would state was that "Smaug was dead", and wisely made no mention of Pandora. Considering the dragon in question had taken to talking to Bilbo about the matter of gardening, for some strange reason, the dwarves were willing to ignore her continued presence in their recently reclaimed homeland.
Pandora does not begrudge them the fact that they want their home back, but merely requests that they acknowledge the inescapable fact that even dragons have certain traditions that they must adhere to or they would never be taken seriously by their elders.
Traditions are a universal fact among sentient creatures, and an uneasy truce is called between them.
Pandora reluctantly lifts her head from where she was having a rather pleasant conversation with the so-called "master thief" over which plants would suit a library best and insure that the inevitable smell of smoke and brimstone did not seep into the books to glare at the direction of Laketown.
Since the two are sitting close to the front door, it was easy for the hobbit to tell which direction she was looking in.
"Is something the matter?"
"I smell foul creatures...and terrified humans," said Pandora.
Naturally Bilbo sits up with alarm.
As their journey to the Lonely Mountain had been rife with no end of trouble with orcs...one of which Thorin had a fued with in particular... he could only imagine the trouble that had befallen Laketown.
"Thorin, we have trouble!"
Pandora's warning turned out to be accurate, as human survivors reach the ruins of Dale speaking of orcs...including one that had Thorin growl with fury.
Azog had come to try and take their home from them and to see Thorin dead.
"Who or what is this Azog?" inquired Pandora.
"A pale orc. One who killed Thorin's grandfather and who has a particular interest in seeing Thorin dead as well," said Bilbo, since none of the dwarves were able to do so as they were fortifying the front gates.
Pandora's nose flared.
"A vendetta for a justified reason. Am I to assume that the dwarf would very much like to end this particular orc personally?" asked Pandora.
"What do you think?" snarled Thorin.
Pandora's expression was rather terrifying. Bilbo had to wonder if this was what passed for a smile on a dragon.
"How about a 'peace offering' of sorts, dwarf?"
Thorin's full attention was on the dragon now.
"When this Azog appears, and you will have to point him out to me, I will personally insure that you are given all the chance you could need to end his miserable existence without interference from his allies. This way you have a fair shot to kill him yourself."
That made every dwarf stop to stare at her in shock.
"Why would you do this?"
"Think of this as a minor peace offering to create a business partnership," said Pandora smoothly. "It's not really any hardship for myself to assist you in finishing a justified blood fued with such foul creatures, and this way you'll be less inclined to try and chase me out after the battle is over."
When she put it like that, it was rather sensible. The fact it gave Thorin all the opportunity he needed to end Azog's life once and for all was something he wasn't about to pass up idly.
"To sweeten the deal I'll insure that this Azog cannot simply flee before you have a chance to kill him. And that if he ends you instead, his remaining time among the living will be a mere blink of an eye."
That was an offer Thorin had no desire to pass up. Knowing Azog couldn't simply flee before he had a chance to end him was more than enough reason for him to put up with the overgrown lizard.