CHAPTER 16
Jimmy held Lou as she cried, trying to offer words of apology, of reassurance. This was all his fault. How could he have let his desire get the best of him?
She wasn't making it easy.
Now you're on my side? This voice in his head sure was getting annoying.
"I can't do anything right," she told him once she'd caught her breath. "There's something wrong with me. That's why he chose me in the first place," she confessed.
"What?"
"I'm wrong. I'm damaged." She began to cry again.
"Is that what you think?"
"I know it."
"You're wrong. You are not damaged or wrong or broken or any of those things. You're strong and brave and fierce and you will come through this, Lou. And you are not alone. I will help you, I promise."
"Just not like that?"
His arousal had shrunk significantly at the sight and sound of her crying, but he still wanted her with every cell in his body. "Not like that, not just yet."
She didn't really understand that a man would not accept her body when she offered it. It went against everything Alexander had told her of their nature, and everything that she had experienced herself.
"When?"
Damn, she was testing his limits.
"When it's not coming from a place of pain. Alright?" She nodded, her face still buried in his chest. Between the tears soaked into his shirt and her lust smeared against the front of his pants, his clothes were drenched. "Do you want me to stay with you till you fall asleep?" She nodded again.
Jimmy averted his eyes as she changed into a nightgown and slipped into bed. He sat in the chair that had been his post for most of the day and held her hand until she fell asleep. He didn't leave her room till he was certain she was peacefully sleeping.
In the hallway, he paused, leaning back on the heavy wooden door and letting out a long sigh. He'd never been so tempted in his life. Glancing around the hall, he saw a dim light coming from the room he was sharing with Buck. Though unused, the extra rooms were sparsely furnished with big, comfy beds. Even the servants quarters seemed cozier than the bunkhouse he was used to. Knowing he would be unable to sleep right away, and hoping to avoid any questions from Buck about the state of his clothes, he decided to go downstairs and get himself a drink.
According to the large grandfather clock in the parlor, it was just after midnight. He was surprised to find the person he was hoping to avoid sitting on one of the leather armchairs, almost as if he'd been waiting for him. Buck put down the book he was reading and looked at his friend. In the dim light, he could make out Jimmy's disheveled appearance.
"What happened up there?" he asked in a flinty voice, out of character for the usually mild-tempered man.
Jimmy took a seat, placing his arms over his indecently stained crotch. "I almost lost control," he confessed. "Things did get out of control for a minute, but I stopped it."
"How out of control?"
"Not that! Things just got a little heated, and we went a bit too far and then we stopped, okay?"
"Who stopped it?"
Jimmy told him that he had been the one to come to his senses and stop things from getting to the point of no return. "Then we just talked and I sat with her till she fell asleep."
"It better not happen again. You know she's in no state to -"
He held up his hands in surrender before Buck could lay into him any further. "I know I fucked up. It won't happen again."
"Good. 'Cause I know you love her but if you hurt her now, I might just forget we're brothers. You understand?" Jimmy nodded. Buck wasn't one to make idle threats and Jimmy knew he meant it. "So how's she doing?"
Jimmy shrugged and got up to pour himself a drink. "She thinks there's something wrong with her."
"Wrong?"
"Grayson was a monster. She thinks there must be something bad in her or he wouldn't have chosen her. She thinks she's damaged and she blames herself for Jack's death. I think she feels like she needs to suffer. Maybe she wants to suffer." He knew that feeling too.
Buck swore under his breath. It pained him that his friend was hurting like this.
"Back when we were at the other house, she told me something. She told me in confidence and I'm only telling you cause, well cause I'm worried." He looked to Buck and knew he could trust his friend to keep any secret, especially if it was for Lou's well-being. "She told me that the first time she slept with Jack, that she hoped it would anger Grayson enough to kill her. That's why she did it."
"Jesus." Buck's head dropped down into his hands and he scrubbed at his temples. "She must have been in a great deal of pain to want that."
"I'm scared she's still in that dark place. Help me keep an eye on her Buck. We can't let her do anything stupid."
"Of course. We will keep her safe," he tried to reassure his friend.
"She did say one good thing though, about wanting to go home. She's ready to leave this place. In fact, I don't think we can get her out of here soon enough." He gulped down his drink and poured another. Turning the bottle in his hand, he read the label. Cognac, it said. "I'll tell you what, we're taking this bar with us when we go."
Louise rummaged through her wardrobe. She had made a fool of herself last night, throwing herself at Jimmy. Still, he'd been receptive at first. He had wanted her as much as she wanted him. That wasn't the point. She needed to act proper, dress proper, quell this lustfulness inside of her. It was all Alex's fault. He made her like this. If he was gone then she would find a way to change back into a normal woman. She had too, if she wanted to go home and live with her family again, and be a mother.
She pulled out the most austere clothes that she could find - a black wool skirt and a burgundy blouse that buttoned all the way to her neck. She tried to find some modest underwear but everything she pulled out was lacy and revealing, meant to be seen. Hot tears welled up as she became frustrated, unable to find what she was looking for. Why was she crying so much these days, over something so stupid? She wiped at her wet cheeks angrily and began pulling the flimsy garments from their drawers, ripping them apart at the seams. She tore through half her underwear before she broke down in earnest, sobbing as she moved onto her dresses, yanking them from their hangers and trying to rip them apart as well. Their fabric was much tougher and she could not pull them apart as easily, she yelled in frustration and cried harder, finally giving up and crumbling into a heap on the floor.
"I know I've said it before, but you have outdone yourself this morning, Rachel." Teaspoon praised her cooking before taking another bite of omelet.
"I can't wait to get home, but I am enjoying this kitchen," she admitted, scooping more potatoes onto his plate.
Jimmy, Buck, and Jake all mumbled their appreciations around mouthfuls of food. Cara sipped on tea and porridge as her throat was still too sore for much more than that, but she appreciated the wonderful smells emanating from the dishes spread out on the table.
Rachel put down what she was doing and took a minute to glance around the table. "Jimmy, what did Lou say when you checked on her this morning?"
"She said she was going to dress and come right down." Jimmy had also been wondering what was taking her so long, but in his attempt to give her space, he'd let it go. "I'll go back up and see." He began to rise from his seat.
"No, let me," Rachel insisted. She hadn't had much opportunity to talk to Lou, just the two of them, since finding her. It was good to see the young woman leaning on Jimmy but she thought maybe it would be good to have another woman to talk to. It was an unexpected gift to have Louise at the station, to have a female friend to confide in. Rachel felt that loss deeply in the time Lou had been gone. Dead, Rachel realized. We had mourned her as if she'd died. Maybe we needed to, to move on with our lives.
By the time Rachel reached the top of the stairs she could hear muffled crying. She quickly crossed the distance to Louise's door and went right in. The sight broke her heart. Louise's small body convulsed with her uncontrollable sobbing. She buried her face in a pile of strewn clothing.
She knelt beside Louise and pulled her into her arms, trying to rock her as she would a child. Her skin was cold, dressed only in her thin slip. At first she pushed against her, unwilling to accept her comfort. But Rachel was as stubborn as the young woman she held, and she refused to let her go. Already weak from all her crying, Louise could not keep up her struggle and fell still. Her crying did not cease but became softer as she let herself sink into the warmth of the other woman's embrace.
They sat there for a long time. Rachel pushed Louise's tangled hair away from her wet face. Her tears had stopped but she was breathing heavily and her eyes seemed glassy.
"Do you want to tell me what's wrong?" she asked, taking a look at the ripped garments and disheveled state of the closet.
"I am," Louise answered in a small voice.
With some gentle prodding, she confided that she was afraid she was tainted goods, spoiled by what Alex had done to her Or worse, that had always been her nature, why he chose her. She wanted to be a normal, proper woman but didn't know how.
"Let me tell you something, Louise. A lot of people in this world cannot bear to see a strong, independent woman. It makes them feel small so they hide behind propriety and moral superiority. We all got our scars, but you are not tainted. You don't need to try to be anything that you're not. You just need to heal."
Louise awkwardly extricated herself from Rachel and stood on her own. "Can you help me with a corset?"
Rachel helped her into the skirt and blouse that she had picked out for herself. She had assured the young woman that a simple camisole was appropriate and that she did not need to force herself into a corset. The ache in her breasts was a normal part of pregnancy and there was no need to exacerbate it.
Together they cleaned up the mess in the closet. Rachel offered to take her shopping and Louise mentioned that she had ordered some things for the baby as well. Now that she planned to leave, she would have them sent out west, but she needed to inform the different merchants of the change.
"Then as soon as you have something to eat, we can go. I'd like to see the City too."
It was midafternoon by the time the two ladies left the brownstone, their chaperone trailing right behind them. Unsurprisingly, Jimmy refused to let them go without him. Louise had to explain that he could not just walk around with his guns on. As a compromise, he carried Rachel's Derringer concealed in his coat.
Louise meticulously checked off each shop from her list as they made their way around the city blocks. At each one, she showed Rachel what she had ordered and asked her opinion before deciding if it was worthwhile to ship all the way to Nebraska. They managed to get through everything on the list but Louise lingered outside a dress shop.
"You want to go inside?" Jimmy asked. "You can't possibly need more clothes."
She gave him a strange look. "You can wait out here. I won't be long."
He grabbed Rachel by the arm before she could follow inside. "Did I say something wrong?"
"Don't worry about it," she said, putting a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "Things are just hard for her right now."
Less than ten minutes later Louise came back out with a small package. "Rachel is still looking," she told him.
"You don't want to look at more dresses?"
"I have enough, remember?"
"I didn't mean to… Lou?"
Her eyes had gone wide, looking at something behind him. She quickly turned back to the dress shop and ducked her head. Turning to see what had spooked her, he saw a trio of women coming towards them. They were openly gawking at Louise and Jimmy and as they passed, one of the women intentionally shoved Louise into the store window. "Must be the new flavor of the month," one of them said, eyeing Jimmy. They all laughed and continued to walk past.
"You ladies got a problem?" They turned to look at him, sneers plastered across their faces. "You usually go around shoving people for no reason?"
One of them worked up the nerve to approach him. "You should know that woman you're defending is nothing more than a shameless little -"
"You best shut your mouth and walk away before I forget I don't hit women," Jimmy said as calmly as he could. He took a few steps towards the woman, towering over her. The three of them rushed off down the street and didn't look back.
Rachel stepped out of the store just in time to see the women run off. "What was that about?" She looked at both of them. Jimmy looked angry and Louise embarrassed.
"Some bitches," Jimmy told her.
"Jimmy!"
"They're just some women who don't like me," Louise clarified.
"Nasty bitches," Jimmy reiterated.
"I see. You alright sweetheart?" Rachel took Louise by the arm and led her away from the store.
Louise assured them both that she was fine. However, it was getting dark and fatigue was setting in. They got a carriage back to the house rather than walk in the cold.
Once alone in her room, Louise opened the paper package and pulled out her new camisoles and knickers. They were plain soft cotton, meant to cover, not seduce. She had two sets and a new cotton slip to replace the underwear she had destroyed earlier that day.
She sighed. Were all her days going to feel this hard? Shopping with Rachel had been fine, though she resented Jimmy for following them around like a bodyguard. But then he had defended her to those women, and not pried about their accusations. But were they wrong? She had tried to bed Jimmy just last night. What did that say about her?
"Stop," she told herself. These thoughts never led anywhere good. She flopped down onto her bed and soon fell asleep.
Jimmy knocked on Lou's door for the third time. When she still didn't answer, he let himself in to check on her. She was sprawled out on her bed fast asleep. She tired so easily, but Rachel told him that was normal for a woman in her condition.
As he watched her sleep, he imagined her growing round with child. All he wanted in the world was for the two of them to be happy and safe, the three of them maybe. Not wanting to wake her, not wanting to part with her, he pulled up a seat. It wasn't long before he fell asleep himself.
She smelled blood, sweat, and smoke. She was on horseback again, trying to flee from wildfire. But the smoke was overtaking her and she couldn't breathe, she was choking, and hot, so hot. She needed water. And suddenly it was all around her. She was on the ocean, felt the wind but instead of burning it smelled like salt and like Jack. Jack. Where was he? She was all alone. Below deck, he must be there. She went to search but then she was standing on her balcony. That's where she would find Jack. Buried. Dead. She felt cold, there was blinding snow. Someone pulled her back into her room. Alex! "No!" She struggled. He pushed her down onto the floor. All she could smell now was blood. She tasted it. "No! No!" she cried again. She was being buried, buried underneath the women from the cathouse. Alex was holding her down, she couldn't breath under all the bodies. Blood dripped into her nose, her mouth, her eyes. She heard her name and she tried to breathe again, and heard herself cough and wheeze. It felt like there was something around her throat.
"Take it slow. Breathe. I got you."
She was panting. She couldn't get a full breath. Hands were on her. Too out of breath to scream, she tried to push them off, struggling with all she had.
"Lou, you're dreaming. Open your eyes. Look at me." Her eyes flew open and darted around the room. "At me, Lou, at me." Her eyes found Jimmy. "There you are."
Her heart pounded in her chest, her breath came fast, shallow.
"That's it, one breath at a time. You're okay."
Louise rested her forehead on his shoulder and breathed. She felt chilled, and was covered in sweat. His warm hand rubbed soothing circles over her back. Lou turned her face into his neck and inhaled. He smelled of fresh soap and a little musk. His skin was warm against hers, and growing warmer. She wanted him, wanted the comfort she knew he could give her, if he only would. She rubbed her nose along the curve of his neck and smiled when she heard him gasp. What had he said? About not coming from a place of pain? But what else was there?
Happiness. Joy. Love. Her foggy brain listed off these foreign terms.
Jimmy leaned back and away from her touch. He knew how quickly things could escalate. He decided to ignore the suggestive contact of her nose on his neck and instead rose from the bed and stepped a few paces back.
"You alright?"
She nodded and looked at him, clear eyed and wide awake. There was desire in her eyes but she blinked it away and he ignored that too. Just a few moments ago she'd been fighting him off, scared to death of whatever was in her nightmare.
"Ready to talk about it now?"
She shrugged.
"You know they probably won't stop until you do."
"That worked for you?"
"It did. Till you disappeared, and then I had different nightmares." Her eyes displayed her curiosity. "You tell me yours and I'll tell you mine."