Chapter 24
That night felt like a true reunion. After more tears were shed and people embraced, they sat by the fire and Lou tried to tell them what had happened to her. Jimmy worried it was too much too soon but she seemed determined to get it out.
Alexander Grayson was a hunter and when he found her, he'd 'd decided she was his prey. He found her unusual and that was attractive to him. She remembered feeling so tired and so unsettled during those days. It was because every time she took a run, he would find her and feed off of her. Until he decided to just take her.
Immediately they began to travel east, hiding during the day and traveling at night. She tried to explain that he could move over the earth at incredible speeds, that they needed no horses or carriage, that he simply held her and flew. It was insane and she laughed as she said it, though none of them doubted her story. It only took days for them to reach Boston and then he had secluded them inside that house and begun his work on stripping away her identity. She explained it away simply, saying that he used his powers. She did not say how that included using torture and sex to break her mind and her will. By the time he brought Cara into their home, she knew nothing about herself. "That was his biggest mistake." She looked at Cara. "If it hadn't been for you…" She wiped tears from her eyes. "You saved me."
She did her best to relay the story Alexander had told her of how he was made, of what he was. He wanted a companion and a family of sorts. She was going to be the one to make that happen, until Cara had the courage to question him, to find her family and send for help.
She did not talk about what her captivity was like. She did not mention Jack or the baby. She did not want to talk about those things. She laughed at the irony of wishing she could forget. Jimmy clasped one of her hands and Rachel held the other, both knowing she had omitted the parts that would be harder for them to hear, and even harder for Louise to have lived through.
Jimmy worried for her mind and her soul now that she had the context in which to consider everything that had happened to her. She survived Wicks. She can - Wicks! He'd been found dead around the same time that this thing had been preying on Lou. Throat shredded like an animal, Kid had said. Drained of blood. Guts intact. He avenged her. Grayson murdered the man that he had wanted to kill so badly himself. Did Lou know? He decided that was not a question for tonight.
Later, when everyone had retired to their tents and bedrolls, Jimmy and Lou cuddled in their makeshift bed. "I told you we'd sleep under the stars again."
"Jimmy Hickok is a man of his word." She snuggled a little closer. "Jimmy," she started, "do you really think Kid went all the way to Virginia? Do you think he's fighting in the war now?"
How badly he wished he could tell her no, that Kid probably came to his senses and was somewhere safe, living his life. "That's what he set out to do. But, I suppose, something could have happened along the way to change his mind."
"He'll write or send a telegram, don't you think? He'd let Teaspoon and you know how he was doing. Maybe he already did."
"Yeah, maybe. I hope so, Lou." She laced her fingers through his and clutched his hand tightly. He saw the silent tears spill from her eyes and knew that she couldn't take anymore loss. Dammit, Kid! Do I have to find you now too?
Lincoln, Nebraska Territory
Lou was antsy. She couldn't ride a horse and had to either walk or ride in the wagon all day. She didn't want to read any more books. Colter was beginning to see a new side to the little rider, one that was a lot more demanding and ornery. Not being able to do much, she took to telling others what they should be doing. She was only happy when she could tend the horses. For some reason, her prickly disposition only seemed to bolster the spirits of the others.
When they finally got to Lincoln, Lou was stir-crazy with boredom and itching for something, anything to break up the monotony of the trail. On the bright side, she hadn't thrown up in a few days and it seemed like the morning sickness might be behind her.
One project that Lou had taken on during their journey, was sorting through her trunks of possessions. She decided she didn't want most of her things and enlisted Rachel to help her get rid of them. One trunk she filled with the majority of her books and had it carted off to be donated to the town's school. Then she pulled out several of her dresses that she deemed too impractical and asked Rachel to help carry them to the dress shop in hopes of selling them. The others were going to see to the horses, supplies, and getting a hotel for the night.
"Is she alright?" Jake asked no one in particular, not knowing if this was her typical behavior, or typical of women in general really.
"Those are all things Alexander gave her, chose for her," Cara explained. "I don't think she wants anything to do with them."
"I don't blame her," Buck added. "Some things hold bad energy. Best to get rid of them."
"Alright, but what's she gonna wear?" Colter wondered.
Rachel and Louise laid the dresses out on the counter for the shop owner to examine. While she did that, Louise took a good look around the store. It was a large shop with plenty of selection. Most of the stock catered to women of the west, simple skirts and dresses, split skirts for riding, boots, and hats. She wasn't sure they were going to want the frilly dresses she had brought them, though she knew they were high quality and fashionable.
"This is fine craftsmanship. You really want to part with them?"
"I wouldn't be trying to sell them, if I didn't"
"Well they are tailor-made for a petite figure. They won't fit just anyone."
Louise was not in the mood to haggle. She told the shopkeeper to give her what she thought they were worth and be done with it. She was paid $3 for each dress, which she promptly spent on replenishing her wardrobe. Rachel watched as she haphazardly threw clothes into a pile to try on. She grabbed split skirts, trousers, and a few simple button up shirts, and riding gloves. Their style and color didn't seem to matter. She chose them solely for practicality. She took what fit and that was that. On their way back to the hotel, she stopped at the haberdashery and grabbed a hat like the one she used to wear when she was riding.
"Did you get everything you wanted?" Rachel asked as they approached the hotel where they would be spending the night. "Do you have something to wear to dinner?"
"I kept a couple dresses. I'll be fine." It was true. She had kept a simple blue cotton dress and a thick gray wool one that would come in handy in the winter, some skirts and blouses, and the silky lilac dress that she seemed to genuinely like.
"Louise, can we sit for a minute?" Lou knew what was coming. Rachel had seen her breakdown over something as simple as underwear and now she probably wanted to make sure she wasn't gonna have another fit over belts or something.
They took a seat on one of the benches lining the walkway. Some of the men passing by looked at the two women appreciatively but they were ignored. "Lou, if there's anything you want to talk about, ever, things maybe you don't feel like you can share with Jimmy, you know you can come to me right?"
"I know, Rachel. I appreciate that, I do," she told her sincerely.
"And of course you don't have to tell me anything, but sometimes it helps to talk. It helped me a lot to have another woman around the station, to have you as my friend. Do you wanna talk about the clothes? I can see it means something to you."
"You and Jimmy really like giving me my own advice, don't you?"
"It was good advice."
She took a deep breath before she spoke. "Alex spent a lot of money on fancy clothes for me. To dress me up in. He always wanted me to take a bath in the evening and he would lay out what he wanted me to wear. I guess I was kinda like his doll," she laughed but it was hollow. "Anyway, they always came off the same way." Rachel squeezed her hand as she brushed the stray tears off her cheek. She suddenly looked like a young girl again. "I don't know, I just couldn't keep them. I don't want to wear them ever again."
"That makes perfect sense. I can't see why you'd want to keep them. That doesn't mean you have to hide yourself in plain clothes either. It used to be a rare occurrence, you getting to dress up like the woman you are. It used to bring you joy. You can still do that for yourself, when you want to."
"I know."
"'Course if you only wear trousers for the rest of your life, I know it don't matter a lick to Jimmy." Lou genuinely laughed at Rachel's joke, knowing it was true. Though she also knew she liked the way he looked at her when she wore her dresses too.
Now that they'd broken the ice after everything, Lou found herself wanting to confide in her friend like she used to. "I know it's good to talk through things, like you said. But that man took so much time from me, Rachel, I don't want to give him anymore, thinking about it, talking about it. And now I'm carrying this child and it wasn't even really my choice." She paused to collect herself and steady her voice. "I'm so confused Rachel. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about it."
"Forget how you're supposed to feel. How do you feel?"
"I'm scared I'll be bad at it or, or it won't be enough and I'll want more. I always wanted more than just being someone's wife and mother. It's part of what drove me and Kid apart."
"Maybe that's why you ended up choosing a man with different expectations." She scooted closer to Lou and put her arm around her. "You're gonna be a mother, and what that looks like is up to you. I'm not saying that having a child isn't gonna change your life and your options, but it doesn't end them. I know for a fact that if there's something you really want to do, Jimmy will move mountains to see it done. Hell Lou, if you told him you wanted to be the deputy and he should stay home with the little ones, he'd probably do it." That had the young woman smiling ear to ear, knowing there was some truth to Rachel's words.
"Jimmy is…" How could she put it? "He's been everything to me, Rachel. I told him he brought me back to life and I really think he did." The older woman just squeezed her arm and smiled. She'd seen how easily the closeness between them had rematerialized.
"I can see how happy you make each other."
"He brought up, well you know, how we've pretty much been acting like a married couple this whole trip and how things will have to change once we get back to Sweetwater. How he'll have to move into the bunkhouse and I'll be staying with you. Which I really appreciate," she threw in.
"But it's not really what you want." Lou just shook her head, not feeling the need to hide the nature of their relationship from the person who had always been her confidant. Not that it was much of a secret. "The bunkhouse ain't that far. You two will figure it out."
"He said he's gonna court me." That had both of them laughing.
Later, as she sat with Jimmy in the large bed of their hotel room, nestled between his splayed legs, leaning against his chest, she thought back on what Rachel had said. "Jimmy, it really doesn't bother you that I'm having another man's baby?"
The question surprised him. "Maybe at first." He couldn't lie to her. "But no, not anymore." He pressed his lips to her temple sweetly. "How are you feeling, hm? What do you need?" His arms, that had been draped around her shoulders, came lower to circle her middle protectively.
She contemplated his questions while she savored how good it felt to just be held by him like this. "I think I need you to marry me."
Jimmy cleared his throat before speaking slowly. "Did you say what I think you just said?"
She turned in his arms to sit on her knees and face him. "It's too much to ask, isn't it?"
He snorted. "Too much to… Oh you silly, silly woman." He grabbed her by the shoulders and kissed her. "Yes, I'll marry you. I mean, will you marry me? Was that, is this a proposal? Goddamn!" He kissed her again, this time pulling her close, wrapping her in his arms. He would have kept going but Lou pulled back.
"Does that mean you want to -"
He laughed, smiling widely. "Yes, Lou! Yes! But I have to ask," he said, turning serious, "do you really want to be married to me, Lou? Or do you just think you need to be married, to someone, for the baby?"
"It's not about that. I don't want to live in limbo Jimmy, pretending we're something we're not or less than we are. I don't want to sleep at Rachel's while you sleep in the bunkhouse and, if you really are okay with raising this child with me then I don't want to wait." It felt good to be able to voice what she wanted. "Is that really what you want too? And don't say yes just because you feel like you have to and I'm so delicate right now that if you reject me I'll break into a million pieces or whatever you think -"
This time he grabbed her and kissed her forcefully. "Shut the hell up, Lou. I'm accepting your proposal. And you can't take it back."