Previously: Lucifer surrendered and was locked in the Cage, bringing the Apocalypse to an end. Michael managed to extricate himself from Cain's body as it was engulfed in flames. It turns out that Cain is a Phoenix - a creature of the Mother of Monsters - and is therefore no longer fit to be a vessel. Raphael, Gabriel and the Garrison are looking for Camael, who has disappeared, while Michael is talking to Death. Castiel is left alone with Cain, with the mission to erase all memory of Camael from his mind.
oOo
Shattered mind
Dancing flames licking the white-hot blade. Moving shadows on the walls. He looks up at his father, so tall and strong, who is holding out the hammer to him with a smile. The tool weighs heavily in his hand as he lifts it high above his head.
He strikes down.
The clanging sound of metal thickens, and the sparkles grow still in the air. The warm half-shade and his father's smile crumble away, revealing a clear blue sky over a wheat field. He can feel the skull fracturing under his blows as his wrath only grows. And he keeps hitting, over and over again.
For Abel has to DIE.
« Why won't you take care of the sheep with me, Cain? »
The field is darkening, wheat turning into tall grass.
A light rain is falling and Abel who is still only a child is staring up at him with sad eyes. There are a few droplets beading up on his eyelashes and his dark hair. Cain heaves a sigh and gets down on one knee on the soggy ground to look at him right in the eye, squeezing his shoulder.
« They are not pets, Abel, you know. If you really want to take care of our cattle, you can't get attached to them. Because we are going to kill them and eat them. That's what they're here for. »
The last thing Cain wants to do is to kill these animals. He can't stand to see the blood, to hear the agonized cries and to smell the acrid smell of fear and death. He would rather just seed the earth and watch plants grow in peace. Wheat doesn't cry and trash out when you cut it off.
Abel's wide brown eyes stare at him for a few seconds, and then his face splits with a smile that seems to illuminate him from within. There is a baby tooth missing on the front.
« Don't be silly, Cain. I know all of this. They are living beings, the cruel thing would be to be indifferent when they die. That's exactly why I want to make their life as pleasant as possible and shed tears the day they die, especially if I'm the one ending their life. »
Speechless, Cain reaches out to ruffle his younger brother's hair.
It takes me an intense effort to focus and manage to regulate the erratic flow of Cain's memory. Abel's smiling face fades away into the stream. For a short moment I regain enough control to feel again my body kneeling in the landscape of ashes, pining the Phœnix's body down on the ground with my fingertip. I have never been thrown into memories so vividly ever before. Instead of short and blurry visions with muffled sounds, I am living these slices of life almost as if they were my own.
This is dangerous. I could lobotomize the son of Adam and Eve if I'm not careful. Or worse, I could miss the memories I'm targeting and fail at the mission Michael trusted me with.
He is rocking his baby brother in his arms so carefully, as if Abel was the most fragile thing in the world. The infant's tiny hand grabs his little finger.
« Abel likes you a lot, I can tell. He never cries when you're holding him, » Eve smiles tenderly while she's making wheat flatbread.
I discard this memory that is of no particular interest for my mission. I went back way too far. The slightest touch of my Grace on his soul is enough to hurl me in the wrong direction and inadvertently scrape some memories. There is one whose echoes of conversation mention Angels, so I take hold of it. Maybe it's about Camael.
Eve is staring at her children in awe.
« You have seen an Angel? Are you sure? »
« Yes. Taller than mountains, bright as the sun, with wings, three eyes, four arms and clawed feet just like you told us. He said his name is Michael and that God loves us. »
Eve drops to her knees and bursts into tears, her long hair veiling her face.
« Mom! Why are you crying? » Abel says, wrapping his arms around her.
« Because I'm happy. Oh, Cain, Abel! This is a blessing from Heaven! Finally my prayers have been heard! »
She pulls them into an embrace and plants a kiss on their forehead, laughing through her tears.
The ash blond hair brushing against his cheek and the warm arms wrapped around him crumble into dust.
He is walking in the mountains all alone. His feet are bruised, his eyes filled with tears.
Abel…
He stares down at his trembling hands. They are covered in dried blood.
He can no longer go back to his parents. Not with Abel's blood all over his hands. There is no chance that God will ever forgive their original sin now. He will never be able to look them in the face anymore.
His little brother's face screaming in agony is haunting him.
A gust of wind ruffles his hair as he steps on the edge of the abyss. It could all end here. He murdered his own blood, and nothing he does could ever change it. The sin is branded into his soul, banishing him away from his family and God's protection forever, and eternal suffering will await him after he dies. Hell's fire pit. There will be no forgiveness. No redemption.
His eyelids drop shut, warm tears streaming down his face.
« Hello, Cain. »
He startles, eyes snapping wide open. Where only void and death were just a few seconds ago, there is an Angel standing. Smaller than the Archangels and the mountain, his feet are down in the abyss and his face is just at Cain's level. Three golden eyes are staring at him as he stumbles back a few steps, the wind knocked out of him. He drops to his knees in utter terror and resignation.
« Are you here to punish me for my crime? »
Unlike him, Abel was God's favorite and had always met every of the Archangels' expectations. Maybe the way he was about to take his own life was too easy for the severity of his crime. When he shivers and lowers his head, ready to accept his fate, a few tears fall down to the ground.
The Angels blinks with what might be confusion. It is a little hard to say with Angels. The stone-like mask they have for a face is always so expressionless.
« No, Cain. I am not here to punish you, but to protect you. From that day on I will be your Guardian until the day you die. »
At last, I found one of the memories I was searching for. I dutifully destroy it. I recognized Camael, even if from Cain's point of view he looks gigantic and towering. Another memory linked to the one I just erased appears right away.
Cain wakes up with a start, covered in cold sweat. He dreamed of Abel. A silent and dark dream in which his younger brother was a child again and stared at him sadly, a flow of blood pouring from his dislocated skull. And whenever Cain reached out to him or tried to speak, the rock was back in his hand and he was hitting him, again and again…
He grabs his head between his hands, trying to calm down his pounding heart.The cave is dark and damp, but there is a ray of light filtering through the entrance. He gets up and walks out, gazing up at the Angel. It is night, but all around the celestial being it is as bright as a warm summer day.
The colossal being followed him all day long, just taking one single step forward when Cain had to take about three hundred. It does look like he is determined to follow him until the day he dies.
« You are my guardian, » Cain says out loud in the silent night, head thrown back to stare up at the Angel radiating with light.
« I am. »
« Why? »
« Because you are important, Cain. God wants you to be safe. »
Cain doesn't understand. Why would God want to protect him despite his crime? And by giving him a Guardian Angel nonetheless? Why isn't he already burning in Hell's eternal fire?
« And how am I to call you? »
« My name is Camael. I am the Angel of Joy. »
Cain can't hold back a bitter laugh. This is so unfair. Abel was the one who deserved an Angel of Joy to protect him. Not Cain.
« I committed the worst sin there is. Joy no longer belongs in my heart. »
The liquid gold in Camael's eyes livens up with a smile. The moving light inside his body radiates even more, to the point Cain has to squint, dazzled.
« God gave me this mission. It means you matter. And God is never wrong, » Camael whispers with the same kind of certainty Gabriel, Michael and Raphael used to display.
I feel myself getting tenser with effort as I annihilate this fragment of life to replace it by a long and lonely day of walk and an uneventful night. Cain's soul is burning like lava when I implant those fake memories to fill the gap I created.
I didn't realize I had closed my eyes. I crack a single one open to check Cain's condition. His body looks a bit blurry through my finger where a part of my Grace is gathered. His vital functions are solid, but he is struggling to breathe and feebly trying to get free. There is a prayer to Camael on his moving lips, which, in a way, makes it easier for me. By focusing his thoughts on my brother, every memory linked to him come to the surface of his mind flow. I immediately swoop down on them.
Time is running out.
Fingers stained, he is chewing on the berries he found on a bush hanging on the edge of the cliff. The mountain range seems to never end. His parents used to tell him that there are other Humans living further north, but no matter how long he's been walking using stars to orient himself, he still hasn't crossed paths with anyone.
He sits down on a rock to eat under his Guardian Angel's golden stare. He glances up at Camael. He must have lost height along the way, because he is now at the level of the celestial being's hips. Or at least, it sort of looks like hips. Cain has never had the opportunity to observe the Archangels in detail before, since he kept his eyes down most of the time to show humility. But now he has an Angel standing around at every moment to look at, all day and all night long.
Camael has no bones, no skin and no hair. Nor a gender. Nor an actual body, in a way. He seems to be made of liquid light contained in a translucent receptacle shaped into a body with four arms. He wonders if this smooth and clear surface is hard or soft, hot or cold to the touch. The wings covered with fluffy white feathers and neatly folded back are the only things that look actually real and anchored into this world.
Camael tilts his head, golden eyes reflecting curiosity. It is strange how these three orbs manage to express what he's feeling even though the rest of his face is rigid like an oval mask: unlike the rest of his body it is opaque and the light is less visible through it. It has no nose, not even a mouth. But the face's upper edges are adorned with ornamental markings, like decorations chiseled in ice or ivy's spirit gone wild. Do all Angels have the edges of their faces carved in an unique way?
« Is there a problem, Cain? »
The Angel's voice is soft. Cain shakes his head and averts his gaze. On the opposite mountain's cliff, a white goat is standing frozen, its horned head turned toward Camael and lowered with something akin to adoration. Abel would have loved to see that.
Cain squeezes his eyes shut and holds his head between his hands, burning tears welling up in his eyes. Nostalgia is choking him like a rope tightening around his throat.
What are his parents doing right now? Did they bury Abel? Do they think about their first born with a heart filled with hatred?
All he does is running away from pain, from responsibilities and from himself like he's always done. Abel was strong. He was not afraid to face life in its every aspect, even the toughest ones. Cain was the coward who let his younger brother handle the hard work and the guilt. Abel killed the animals that Cain ate.
And now? What good will it do to flee north? What will he do if he does meet other Humans? He killed Abel with his own two hands. His heart is sullied and his soul damned. All he does is spread evil all around. No matter what God thinks, he doesn't deserve to be protected and spared. Throwing him to Hell would only be justice.
A soft rustling sound breaks the silence for a split second.
He takes a deep breath to pull himself together, throat painfully constricted. And when he finally looks up, Camael is gone.
« Camael…? »
He rises to his feet and takes a look around, wiping his hands on his worn tunic. The mountain goat is climbing up the cliff again and munching on a few clumps of grass here and there. Cain steps at the edge of the abyss and looks into the void despite the acrid fear of falling gnawing into his stomach. No Angel down there either.
And suddenly, a wall of bright light appears just in front of him with a rustling of feathers. The Angel is back. Cain takes a dozen steps back so he can look at Camael's face without twisting his neck. There is warmth in the three eyes staring down at him. He startles when a giant hand crashes down next to him, which makes a few rocks fall down to the abyss. Awe-stricken, he stares wide-eyed at the hand that is wider than the wheat field he farmed his entire life, then glances up and nearly jumps out of his skin when he finds himself right in front with the Angel's face. Precisely at the frontal eye's level which now looks like a lake of molten gold. He could almost touch it if he stretched his arm out.
« Still your heart, Cain. Abel forgives you. »
« What? » he all but whispers, petrified.
« I went to your brother's Heaven. He is happy. In peace. Don't let remorse consume your soul. Your life is shorter than a blink of an eye, in the infinity of Creation. As long as you love and fear God, you will join your brother in the afterlife. Your parents too. In Heaven, everything is forgiven, forever. »
Cain feels his eyes welling up with tears again, and this time he doesn't try to hold them back when they roll down his face and neck. He falls to his knees and bows down with gratitude, thanking God and Camael with all his heart.
He will meet his brother and his parents again in Heaven after he dies. And until then, he will give them reasons to be proud of what he has become. He will be a force of good in this world and won't ever loose Faith again. He will dedicate the rest of his life to repentance and prayers.
I erase every fragment linked to my brother in arms but keep the image of the wild goat and lonely mountains. I reshape the memory so Cain will remember having an epiphany all by himself by thinking about God.
Now that I have some kind of control over the mind flow, the memories come in chronological order, which makes it easier for me to carry on with my mission by deleting Camael from every second of the Phœnix's life without getting drawn into them. I erase the recent memories of his possession by Michael and my very own image when I pinned Cain down.
Seeing myself through Cain's eyes is quite surprising. And unsettling. Do I really look so terrifying?
But suddenly, I get sucked into another memory.
« There is a village about ten days walk from here. »
Camael is gazing at the horizon while Cain is walking, leaning on a staff he carved himself from a fallen branch. He left behind the wheat field stained with Abel's blood almost two weeks ago, and now his feet are bruised, his beard shaggy, his hair and nails dirty. But finally, he will meet people. A shiver runs down his spine. His entire life, he has never seen any other Humans but his parents and his little brother. How will they be?
He glances up at his Guardian Angel who has been uncharacteristically gloomy for the last hour, and is surprised to notice a glint of anguish in these golden eyes still staring at the faraway clouds thinning out where the sky meets the earth.
« What is it, Camael? »
The confusion is obvious in the Angel's eyes now that he stares down at Cain. The liquid light inside his body is swirling up to the fingertips.
« There has been a battle, and one of my brothers has been sent to confinement. I don't know why. »
Camael lifts his face up to the sky, spreading and folding back his wings nervously. His four hands close into fists.
« I should have been there. My brothers were in danger and I am a soldier of the Garrison. But…my mission as a Guardian prevails, and without direct orders I could not… »
His head drops back down and closes his eyes.
« I don't understand. Why would they put Castiel in solitary confinement? Castiel is a good soldier. Loyal and obedient. »
Apparently the Angel is thinking out loud and is not expecting any answer. Cain watches him for a moment before speaking up with deference, as one should in the presence of an Angel.
« Maybe he made a mistake? »
Camael's eyes open again and he peers down at his protégé.
« Nonsense. Castiel never makes mistakes. »
A soft smile tugs at the corners of Cain's mouth. There is something endearing in Camael's unwavering faith for his celestial brothers and God. A faith bordering on naiveté, the kind of blissful innocence he wishes he could feel once again in his heart. He starts walking again, climbing up a pile of rocks to reach an easier path. The sun is beginning its descent, but the Angel's presence is lighting up his way.
« You know, I could help you, Cain. »
He heaves himself up on the path cluttered with thorn bushes and weeds, and turns his head towards Camael's face – he is now standing at its level. He grazed his arm's skin on the way up, there is a trickle of blood streaming down to his wrist.
« I could carry you to destination in a split second. It would spare you the pain and effort, » the Angel of Joy says unblinkingly.
They share a look, and Cain licks his lips cracked by thirst and hunger.
« I deserved this pain a thousand times by spilling my brother's blood. I will not run away from it. I fully embrace the guilt and horror of my crime. Unless God wants otherwise, I will walk. »
The stony mask that serves as a face for the Angel remains expressionless, but his golden eyes are full of compassion.
« But... well... thanks for the offer anyway, Camael. »
Cain lowers his eyes and clears his throat as he feels color flooding his cheeks, then resume his journey through thorn bushes.
Living fragments of life so vividly is very unpleasant. It would almost make me lose all sense of time. In these memories, hours and entire days pass as if I were living each and every second, even though I am aware that in reality I've been exploring the mind of Adam and Eve's son for only a couple of seconds at most. Again, no matter how hard I try, I feel myself dragged into more memories as I am wiping them out.
The village merely consists of a dozen rudimentary cabins built in a circle, but still Cain feels his heart pounding in his chest as he steps closer, bare feet sinking into the mud. The pouring rain is hitting his back and his tunic is soaked and dripping.
He comes to a halt in front of the first cabin – there are muffled voices and the dancing light of a fire filtering from the inside. He raises a hand shaking with emotion, but drops it back in the silence of the night without knocking.
Knowing that Camael is still by his side, even though he is invisible now, is not enough to put his mind at rest. Joining his hands and closing his eyes, he prays to his Guardian Angel, whispering through his soul his fear to be rejected by his kind, that they would feel the unholy mark of fratricide on him.
The only answer he gets is to be roughly shoved against the door. The voices inside stop and the door opens, showing a large family staring wide-eyed at this stranger soaked to the skin sprawled there on the muddy ground. An old man holds out his hand to him, inviting him inside.
Grateful, Cain smiles and grabs it.
Days and nights go by and Cain is providing valuable assistance to the villagers. He who had only been speaking in enochian like Adam and Eve for his entire life learned their language in a matter of days. His knowledge by far surpass their own in every possible field, since his parents taught him everything they learned the day they ate the forbidden apple.
Smiling faces thanking him.
A mother kissing his hands with gratitude when he heals her child.
A young woman smiling at him, touching his shoulder, but he softly pulls away from her.
I erase a long string of memories linked to Camael since even though he couldn't see the Angel, Cain prayed to him day after day nonetheless. It would also seem that my brother visited Cain's dreams to talk with him every single night. At first they talked about Humans, Earth, God, then their conversations shifted to more personal matters. Adam and Eve. The Garrison and the Mission. Abel.
Verdant plains stretch out as far as he can see and the wind is making the tall grass ripple and glisten around his hips. He drops to the ground his heavy bag full of gifts from the villagers, and looks up at the clear blue sky. Not a single cloud above.
He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath in.
« Camael? »
There is a hint of hesitation in his voice. When he opens his eyes again, his vision is suddenly flooded with light. His Angel is here, so much brighter and taller than he remembered. In his dreams, Camael had appeared each time as a different, ethereal projection of himself to be roughly the same size than Cain. But talking with a blonde little girl who has four arms and three eyes, a willow tree with golden leaves or a translucent whale had been quite strange, even for dreams.
Camael doesn't say a word, but his eyes are bright with joy as he gets down on a knee and reaches out to him with one of his oversized hands. But instead of touching him, the hand dives deeply into the ground about thirty feet away. The ground trembles under his feet and Cain nearly loses his balance when the track of land on which he's standing rises up to the sky, resting on the palm of the Angel's hand. His tunic is thrashing in the wind and he grabs his bag's strap in fear it would be blown away. The horizon has widened and now the world seems to have no end and no limits. Another gigantic hand comes up to the big lump of land and stills right at its edge, palm up to the sky. Cain glances up at the celestial being who is slowly rising up to his feet.
« Hop on, » says Camael's soft voice.
The tall grass brushes against his hips as he walks to the edge of the track of land. There are about three feet separating him from the bright hand waiting for him. He looks down to peer into the void, and a shiver shots ice needles into his stomach right up to his skull. Down on the ground, the trees could be mistaken for twigs. Mustering up the courage to take the leap and clutching his bag against his chest so he won't drop it, he takes a few steps back. Then, as his pounding heart pumps adrenalin through his veins, he starts running, gathering speed and jumps.
The surface he lands on is hard and shines brighter under his feet. Fascinated, he observes this phenomenon as he walks towards the center of the palm. There is nothing left in the world but this bright and translucent surface and the infinity of the sky above. He crouches down to flatten his right hand to the ground. No, this is not the ground, he has to remind himself.This is Camael's body. He still can't believe it. He is in an Angel's hand.
The surface is warm and smooth, and he can somewhat distinguish the green color of the faraway ground through the liquid light swirling wildly below.
The light clears away all of a sudden, and he lets out a startled cry when he finds himself hanging over the void. The clear sound of Camael's laugh rises, and he realizes that the Angel only removed the light from his hand, but the solid surface is still there, preventing him from falling to a certain death. It would seem that Angels do have a sense of humor after all.
The liquid light flows back into the hand as it is rising even higher up until Camael's face appears in his sight line, blocking the blue sky. Mesmerized, Cain stands up, leaving his bag at his feet. He is surrounded by Camael entirely now. The three other hands are concealing the skyline while his golden-eyed face is lowering nearer. He lifts a trembling hand, and with just the fingertips, he brushes against the opaque surface between the three eyes arranged in a triangle shape. It feels rough and hard just like stone.
Liquid light bursts out of the Angel's hands like ribbons, shining bright like a thousand suns when it wraps around Cain. A flow of sensations floods him. This light, it is a summer breeze on his hot skin. It is the song his mother used to sing as she rocked him in her arms. It is the scent of earth after a pouring rain. It is biting into a ripe strawberry. It is Abel's clear laughter. It is pure joy blooming inside his heart and exploding into myriads of colors.
I wipe out this memory as well as many others that follow without taking much interest in them. They are irrelevant. What I would really like to know is whether or not Michael was right when he told us that Cain aimed to corrupt my brother and lead him astray. And how did he turn into a creature of the Mother of All? If Camael has to stand trial again or is sent to rehabilitation, that kind of information could work in his favor.
A scalding hot memory radiating with pain emerges from the deepest part of his soul, and I seize it immediately. This is what I was looking for.
He could swear he heard a whisper slithering under his skin. Frowning, he keeps walking and throws a glance at Camael. But the Angel is just staring at him in silence as usual.
It was probably just the wind.
But a few minutes later, he distinctively hears a voice he would know anywhere. The voice of his mother whispering his name close to his ear. He whirls around with eyes wide open and lets his bag drop to the ground. But there is nothing behind but lonely mountains as far as he can see.
« Did you hear that...? » he breathed out, throwing frantic looks all around.
Have the privations and rigors of the journey finally got the best of him? That definitely was his mother's voice.
« All I hear is the wind blowing and my brothers' voices arguing over Castiel's fate. »
It feels like there is a block of ice growing into his guts. Cain startles when he hears the voice again, even more clearly. It is his mother's voice, no doubt about it, but it sounds off. A wave of nausea engulfs him as his heart rate is rising and his blood starts boiling inside his veins. He lifts a hand and stares in utter horror – the skin is catching fire like a wisp of straw and the fingers are crumbling into ash one by one. A scream of pure terror tears out from his throat.
« Camael! Help me! » he yells, looking up at the Angel.
As his bowels liquefy and his body turns into a fiery inferno, the last thing he sees before his eyes burn to ashes is the bright hand of the celestial being trying to save him.
oOo
In the next chapter (next sunday, february 23th)
"Oh for Dad's sake, stop that, no more genuflecting! I'm so sick of this worship crap."