Damage Control – Katherine McPhee
For once, I'm finally seeing clear
I left my baggage at the station
My hands are empty but I'm here, here
And all I have is this realization
That all the time I've wasted
Thinking that I could replace this
Is just the long way to what I already knew
The things I've done, you made it clear
That my mistakes won't disappear
I'll make things right from now on, Oh
Yeah I know, I know
I'm on damage control
Damage control
I won't blur between the lines
What I say is what I mean now
And I got words if you got time
And I just hope that you will see now
That all the time I wasted
Thinking that I could replace this
Is just the long way to what I already knew
The things I've done, you made it clear
That my mistakes won't disappear
I'll make things right from now on, oh
Yeah, I know, I know
I'm on damage control
Damage control
I can't erase all the shame that I placed on myself
That I can't take it away
But I know things will change
So I'll wait for the day that you'll give me your faith one more time.
The things I've done, you made it clear
That my mistakes won't disappear
I'll make things right from now on, oh
Yeah, I know, I know
I'm on damage control
Damage control
Damage control
It had been strange coming home to find time had moved so quickly and yet so slowly also. Something had changed but he couldn't quite put his finger on what. Penelope hadn't responded to any of his letters which was disturbing as she was usually a prolific writer, but then not many of his family had responded either. That on the other hand was not unusual.
If he had been a betting man, he would have bet that Penelope was avoiding him. At the garden party they attended, he caught sight of a flash of yellow every now and again. Instinct telling him it was Penelope even if he couldn't confirm it by sight. It was only when he spotted Eloise walking arm in arm, with Penelope looking completely crushed behind them, that he could be certain that it was her. Although the sight of Eloise and Cressida being on friendly terms made him wonder if the world had gone completely mad.
"Pen. It is good to see you." Obviously he had startled her, but when she didn't greet him with the usual beaming smile he normally received he knew his gut instinct that all was not well was correct. In fact, she looked annoyed that he was talking to her.
"Is it?" What had happened whilst he was away. He couldn't recall a time when Penelope hadn't looked happy to see him. Had the world turned on its ear?
"Truly." How could she doubt that? "It has felt like I've been absent years instead of months." He knew certain things would change while he was away, but she wasn't one of them.
"Much has certainly changed in that time." She looked so uncomfortable in his presence. That had never happened before. Even when they were children and her runaway bonnet had knocked him from his horse into the mud, she had laughed and been at ease with him.
"A good deal I know." He caught her glancing at his clothes. "But it was all the rage in Paris." Perhaps his attire puzzled her.
"You look distinguished." So not his attire. "But, then again, you always have." That was quite the complement as he knew how Penelope despised her own sunflower yellow wardrobe. Her mama's choosing, not hers.
"When all is said and done, it is merely clothing." Conversations with Penelope had never taken so much effort before. "Whereas elsewhere, things seem to have fundamentally changed. Am I mistaken, or was Eloise walking arm in arm with Cressida Cowper?" Maybe a change of subject would help.
"As you said, sometimes time moves rather quickly." Without a good bye Penelope walked off as though she couldn't get away from him quickly enough. What on earth had happened while he was away? He would just have to find out at the Danbury ball.
The surprises were to keep coming it seemed. Eloise reading novels and by the looks of it, happily keeping company with Cressida. Then Penelope arrived. She looked incredible and only part of it was due to her not wearing yellow. He was biding his time to get a moment alone with Penelope to discover what had gone wrong, when she rushed past him obviously upset.
Ignoring the snide comments of the gentlemen he had been conversing with, he rushed after Penelope to make sure she was alright. "Pen."
"Colin. What are you doing out here?" She actually bristled when she saw him.
"I am just…" He frantically searched for an excuse. "Getting some fresh air. Why are you leaving so soon? Especially in such a charming dress?" He had never noticed before how yellow wash the colour out of her lovely face.
"Do not mock me please." How could she ever think he would mock her, especially when she looked so stunning. Surely he wasn't the only one who had noticed.
"Mock you? I assure you I am quite serious. The colour rather suites you." It was incredible on her in fact and worked so well with her hair which fell in soft waves around her face instead of the usual tight curls.
"Good night Mr Bridgerton." Penelope never referred to him as Mr Bridgerton. It was always Colin. Had she gotten in trouble for being too familiar with him? Is that why she was being so distant?
"Do you not need a chaperone?" He frantically tried to think of something to say so that she would stay long enough for him to find out what had gone wrong between them.
"Spinsters do not need chaperones." Penelope had quite the bite to her this season.
"You are not a spinster." It was amusing to think of her in that term. It didn't fit her at all.
"I am in my third year on the marriage mart." Had it really been that long? "With no prospects to show for it." Surely that could not be true. "What would you call that?"
"Is there something wrong, Pen? Between us, I mean." There was more to this than just Eloise and Cressida. "I wrote to you this summer, as I always do. And … well, you did not respond." His travels had felt as though something was missing this year without her written responses and encouragement. "Admittedly, very few did. But … If you are going to make me say it out loud, I miss you." Maybe that would make things right.
"You miss me?" Actually he had. A lot. "You miss me, but you would never court me. Is that correct?" Wait! What?
"Pen, I …" Where had that come from? How could she know that? In fairness, he wasn't interested in courting anyone at the moment.
"I overheard you…. At my mama's ball last season, telling everyone how you would never, ever court Penelope Featherington." Oh God. Why had he said something so stupid and at her home as well? She had every right to be upset, but they were drawing attention.
"Perhaps we should talk somewhere more private." Where she could yell and scream at him to her heart's content. He certainly deserved it.
"Because I embarrass you? Of course you would never court me." How had he managed to make this worse? "I am the laughing stock of the Ton, even when I change my entire wardrobe. It just never occurred to me that you, of all people, could be so cruel." And with that final blow to his heart, she climbed into her carriage and disappeared into the night.
His first instinct was to go after her and apologise, but it was unlikely she would listen to him, let alone accept his apology. Upon returning to the ball he heard of Cressida's obviously deliberate clumsiness in tearing Penelope's dress. How strange that he had not noticed, but then his eyes hadn't left Penelope's face. First thing in the morning he would speak with Pen.
Thankfully when he called at the Featherington house, it was Penelope's maid who answered the door. He had no wish to deal with Lady Featherington this morning. Though his relief was short lived when the maid seemed reluctant to leave him alone with Penelope.
"You have a visitor Miss." She stepped aside to reveal Penelope sitting alone in the garden in another stunning green outfit.
"I'm sorry for intruding." He was sorry for a great many things. He silently prayed she would not send him away.
For a moment he thought she was going to dismiss him. "It's alright." The glance the maid gave him before leaving them clearly showed she did not trust him.
"And I am very sorry for my callous comment here last year." More than she could ever know. He thought to blame it on the alcohol, but Penelope deserved more than excuses. "It pains me to see you upset." Especially when he was the cause of it.
"Then perhaps you should not have come." He had never heard her sound so cold.
"I am not the man I was last season." And now he recognised that she was not the woman she had been last season either. More that she had been a girl last season and had clearly grown into the stunning woman before him. "And I am most certainly not ashamed of you. The opposite is true, in fact." His comment last year certainly had not suggested that. "I seek you out at every social assembly because I know you will lift my spirits and make me see the world in ways I could not have imagined." Which was why the lack of responses to his letters had been so noticeable. "You are clever and warm and … I am proud to call you my very good friend." His best friend in fact.
"It has been vexing … watching you walk back into society with such ease." If only she knew how it had not been as simple as it had seemed. "When every year, I pray I might finally feel that way amidst the marriage mart, and that comfort never materializes." He had not known it had been so difficult for her, but then he had rarely seen her without Eloise by her side until recently.
"Well, if a husband is what you seek, then …. Let me help you." Although what gentleman would accept his wife being friends with another man, he did not know and he was unwilling to give up his friendship with Pen.
"Help me how" It was a fair question and that she would even consider taking his offer of help was a step in the right direction. So he took a chance and sat beside her.
"I was in 17 cities this summer, and what I have learned is that charm can be taught." Though he had always found Penelope charming personally.
"Colin. I cannot have you with me, whispering into my ear in every ballroom." That wasn't what he had been thinking of, but now her words had created a picture in his mind which was very intriguing.
"You will not need that. We will have lessons. And you will quickly master them, I am certain." After all, she had never seemed to have trouble talking to him. "There is nothing more I want than to earn back the favour of the one person who has always truly made me feel … appreciated." He stood and offered his hand. "What do you say?"
"You want me to shake your hand?" At least she seemed more amused now, than annoyed.
"It is perhaps unusual, but … are we not friends?" She at least used to be his best friend. He very much wanted that again.
She slipped her tiny hand into his. "Friends." The strangest thing happened. He felt a spark jolt from her hand and felt unable tear his gaze from hers.
Pulling himself together his squeezed her hand gently between his and let go before he could make a fool of himself. "I shall see you soon."
He headed home feeling more hopeful with the progress he had made with getting his friendship with Penelope back on track. Well, that was until he discovered Lady Whistledown had written about him. If he ever found out who this woman was, he would ruin her.