Not In Love – Richard Marx
I don't think about you
I don't wish you would call
I don't long for you
When the blue shadows fall
And war's the only answer
And every fairytale is true
And I am not in love with you
I can't recall a single
Funny thing that you said
We were never good together
This heartache's all in my head
And I'm sure I will feel better
By the time this night is through
And I am not in love with you
No, you won't get me to say it
No, you won't get me to say it
No, you won't get me to say it
I'm not gonna say it, no
No, my hands aren't shaking
These aren't tears on my face
You are never on my mind
You're already erased
And war's the only answer
And every fairytale is true
And I am not in love with you
No, I am not in love with you
They had agreed to meet up to promenade for prospective suitors for her. And yet Penelope wasn't certain she would be successful even with Colin's help. She felt her heart skip when he left his brother and sister to join her. Mentally scolding her heart for trying to read more into their friendship, she fell into step with him.
"So … how do we begin? Or perhaps there is a book I might read on charm?" Reading a book being the preference. Reading a book she would not need to constantly remind herself that she was not in love with Colin Bridgerton.
"Are you certain you want my help after what Lady Whistledown wrote?" Again she berated herself silently for not taking the time to calm down before getting the latest edition of Whistledown printed.
"She has never been more wrong about anyone." It was the closest she could come to an apology without admitting she was Lady Whistledown. "Let us pay her no heed."
"Indeed. Sooner or later, she will be caught and we shall dance on the day of her demise." That would be a very one sided dance. "Now, no more talk of books. If you are to secure a match, you must engage in real life." But that was the problem. She didn't how to be engaging. "I should like to see your skills as they are first." What skills?
"But I have none." That was an understatement. If she had any skills she would have no need of his help. She may have even been able to catch his eye instead of positioning herself firmly in the friend zone.
"You know how to wave your fan. Flutter your lashes. Often, that's all it takes." It could not honestly be that simple. "Men are quite simple beings." Some certainly were. Her brother –in-laws were perfect examples of that. Although she did still envy her sisters slightly.
"Well, I suppose I can show you. After all, he had made it perfectly clear last season that he saw her as nothing more than a friend. Anything she did fan or lash fluttering wise, he would not take seriously.
"Not me. Them." He was guiding her over to three gentlemen. Could they not start with just one? "Gentlemen. I believe you know Miss Featherington."
Well, no time like the present. Wave the fan. Flutter your lashes. "How delightful to see you all." There, that wasn't so bad. "Such splendid weather we are having." When in doubt, talk about the weather.
"Miss Featherington, you seem discomposed." What was she doing wrong? Was she over doing the lash fluttering? Or did they not agree the weather was splendid. At least it was not raining.
"No. I'm quite well my Lord." And with that it continued to go downhill. The Lords looked at her like an insect that needed to be removed and if she waved her fan any more vigorously she would conjure up a tornado.
When she got home she threw herself down on the bed. What a disaster. She was amazed that Colin didn't withdraw his offer of help immediately. That had been so embarrassing.
The next day at the market she braced herself for Colin to put a stop to their lessons. "Are you quite sure you wish to resume my lessons?" Best to offer him a way out. "I would not be angry if you found me to be a lost cause." Everyone else had.
"The truth is, you do not need a lesson." No, she needed at least ten. Probably more.
"You agree. I am unteachable." She knew it. Although it was still disappointing. Even her sisters had managed to stumble into marriages. So why was it so difficult for her?
"You are very teachable." Had he not been paying attention to her attempts. "You simply do not need to be taught. You already know how to do this."
"I assure you, I do not." He had been the only gentleman she had ever been comfortable conversing with. And there were times she even stumbled talking to him.
"Do you remember when we first met?" Of course she did. It was permanently engraved on her brain. "I was riding my horse, minding my own business, when I was assaulted …. By a devilishly yellow head covering." Her mama had been furious with her. As if she could control the breeze.
"It was not my fault. The wind blew it clear off my head." She had fallen in love with him that day. But that was then. Things, time, people changed.
"Wind or not, you certainly seemed pleased when I landed in the mud." That was a slight exaggeration. She had been mortified until he had started laughing. It was only then that she was able to see the humour in the situation.
"I apologized." And so had her mama whilst telling her off for being so clumsy.
"Yes. And you were so very charming about it." He had found her charming? She had been certain that he had thought she was a silly child. "Teasing me. Mercilessly, in fact. And I think I know why." Oh God. He knew she had been in love with him, all this time. "Because we were children." Oh. He didn't know. Actually it would be strange for him to help her secure a husband if he had known. "Before the self-consciousness of adulthood set in. Before we started caring what others think."
"Colin, it is impossible to be in society and not care what others think." Especially in her case when others forced their opinions on her. "Society is entirely composed of the judgement of others."
"Do you know what I discovered when I was abroad?" No, because she had refused to read his letters even if she could not bring herself to throw them away or burn them. "No one knew me. No one knew who I was supposed to be." That was easy for someone who hadn't been ignored for most of their life to feel. "I was entirely freed of being the Colin Bridgerton the Ton knows me to be. Which is how I became myself." If he was about to tell her she did not count as a woman because she was his friend again, she was going to throw something at him. "Pen, living for the estimation of others is a trap. Once you break free, the world opens up." Yes, but did one have to chew off a limb to get out of the trap first? And would the world open up and swallow her whole.
"You make it sound so easy." Colin was liked no matter what version of himself he put forward.
"Why is it you want a husband?" That was direct. Because you don't see me as anything more than a friend and I cannot bear the thought of being stuck with my family for the rest of my life.
"So that I may have my freedom." If Lady Whistledown was all she could keep for herself, then she needed a husband who allowed her some privacy. "So that I may feel comfortable in the world." Something she had never felt.
"I see." No, he really didn't. "And it will be finding that comfort in yourself that will get you there. What is the one thing in the world that makes you feel most comfortable now? Most at ease?" Very little these days.
"It used to be Sunday teas at Bridgerton House." Back when Eloise would speak to her. "It was one of the few places I could go un-chaperoned." Mainly because at the time they had little to no maids. "And truly be myself. But … that is no longer a possibility."
"I'm sorry about whatever might be coming between you and Eloise. What exactly happened?" So Eloise had not told him. Of course she had not. If Colin had known she was Lady Whistledown, he would not want to be anywhere near her.
"I should get back. Before we are noticed." Rae, her maid was already giving Colin the side eye. If there was something she could count on, it was that the maids noticed everything.
If Colin's plan to help her find a husband was to work, she would have to convince her stubborn heart that she was no longer in love with Colin Bridgerton. Judging by Rae's knowing look, she was not fooling anyone. Including herself.