Chapter 3
Grey area
Henry Rollins once said: "Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better." I used to agree with him until last night. Yesterday after the sun came down and everyone left the living room to go upstairs, I thought of a new quote that I felt hit close to home. Blaise Pascal's, "All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone."
What estranged me most was the fact that my time alone was never an issue for me before. I never longed for another person's touch or word. I felt happy and content with my solitude. And even though living with three married couples was tough at times, I was never jealous of what they had. Now, however, I couldn't shake the feeling away. It must be nice to find a pair of your soul, a person who understood you on a deeper level and loved you no matter what you've done.
When the darkness grew over the sky, enveloping everything it touched, I went outside. I wasn't sure what exactly was my plan for tonight, all I knew was that I needed to get out of the house and clear my head…and ears from the noise that I had to hear.
I rushed through the woods, hoping the running was going to help me get back to my usual self. I passed the little stream in a quick jump, leading further into the bushy areas. I wanted to get out of the city limits, I didn't pay attention to being quiet either. The sound of animals running in a different direction didn't scare me either, I wasn't here to hunt.
I was about ten minutes into my run when I smelled something that made me stop in the tracks. The same weird scent that Bella and Stefan possessed. I smelled once again, a little surprised. Bella was definitely here, her specific freesia smell couldn't have been mistaken for anything else. I followed it closely at a slower speed, afraid I was going to lose track. What on earth would she be doing in the middle of the forest?
The scent grew stronger a few seconds later and I stopped once more. I could hear three heartbeats nearby. I came closer, hiding in the tree shadows. There were still no thoughts. Could Bella's other brother possess the same immunity that she did?
I came closer, and Stefan's scent came into the picture too. The third one was unknown to me. A few minutes later I could see light coming from the big house nearby. Did I unknowingly uncover the location Bella was now calling home?
"I want to know when he's going to be here." A grown male voice sounded angry and frightened at the same time. "It's still my house."
"I already told you he'll be on his best behavior." Bella's voice sounded tired, as though this wasn't the first time she had to fight with this man.
I felt my fingers curl into a fist at my side. How dare he raise his voice at Bella?! How dare he make her unhappy?
"If he slips…Even once, I'm going to…" The man's voice stopped abruptly.
"...You're gonna do what, Charles?" Bella raised her voice. She outright laughed. "Shoot him?"
"No need to fight, we are all here on good terms, right?" Stefan chimed in. He sounded tired as well.
"I'm not going to fight more if you all remember your place." The man spoke frustrated.
"Remember my place?" Bella chuckled sarcastically. "I own this fricking house! And I have more power than you will ever know. If I say Damon is going to stay here with us, then that's what's going to happen. So once again, Charlie, remember why you have your job and this estate, or I'll make you regret ever finding out we were related." She hissed the last words with such anger, I couldn't believe it was Bella I heard.
Bella was sweet and nice at school today. I guessed the older man was the uncle she told me about and that made my blood boil. Stefan and Bella lost their parents and the only adult relative they had was a total dick. I didn't understand what she meant about having power, did she know her mind was impenetrable? Was that what she was talking about?
Maybe I was completely wrong, maybe the house in her name was the power that she had and she was just waiting to turn 18 to claim the property for herself.
"Why…they have to…here?"
I quickly turned my head back to the house and concentrated. The man in the living room looked to be about 40, with dark hair and a thick mustache. His attire suggested he was a cop, I'd have to find out more about him. His thoughts were incoherent, I could only tell a few of them apart. Yet, I could get the essence of them. He didn't like having Bella and Stefan here, but he seemed even more displeased with the idea of the said Damon coming to live with them even more.
"Why are you against it?" I mumbled to myself, not knowing the full story was making me lose my mind.
Bella took a quick sip of whatever she was drinking and put her glass down in the sink.
"I'll head to bed." She told Stefan, who followed her into the kitchen a few minutes later.
"Sure, answer me this first though." He placed his hands on her shoulders and looked her in the eyes. "Why are you being so mean to Charlie? He's just terrified."
"Oh, Steffy, you were always a little too good at times." Bella smiled up at him. "Charlie might be terrified, but it doesn't let him make the rules. This is our house, and he needs to realize that he lives here only out of the goodness of my heart. We'll move on in a few years and he can have it for the rest of his life."
"We've never really lived here, it's more his house than ours." Stefan pointed out.
"Charles got very used to the idea that he is a successful bachelor. I want to put him down to his level. Is it so wrong of me?" She asked, actually asked, as though she wasn't sure.
"As much as I was always the optimist, you were always a righteous realist." Stefan sighed. "I think no matter what you do, you always get it right. If you think that's the way to go, I won't question you more. But don't expect me to stop the fights whenever I can."
"Goodness gracious, how are you planning to stop them when the brother who was always pessimistic comes to join us?" Bella chuckled.
"Judging by previous attempts? Die a lot." Stefan joked and Bella full-on laughed then. "Goodnight, Bell."
"Goodnight Stef." I could see Bella rubbing his shoulder before retreating somewhere upstairs.
Stefan looked out from the window, I ducked behind the tree before he could see me lurking around.
"When you face an obstacle that fills you with dread…" Stefan spoke quietly, peeking my head just a little, I could still see him looking through the kitchen window.
"...ask yourself if it's difficult or dangerous and move ahead." I finished in my head.
Oh, what I wouldn't have given to know what he was thinking at that moment. Why those words? Why the little poem about obstacles?
Having more questions than answers, I retreated back to my house. The noise from the bedrooms quieted down to just two sets of moans, the usual ones. I could handle that. I headed to the library and once again put in the search for recent Spokane murders, I looked over the obituary and even checked the suicide section, although any sane person would know there was no way that man died by his own hand.
"Alice, will I ever find out the answer?" I asked aloud.
"Yep." That's all she said and when I pried into her mind, she was once again evading my search.
"Wanna play some chess?" Jasper thought and I was grateful for a distraction, so I came downstairs. Maybe Jasper could feel the loneliness and unease coming from me and took pity…But I didn't really care at that point.
We played in silence, my mind concentrated on winning, Jasper's on thinking about anything other than his next move. After my second win, Jasper hissed frustrated. He pushed all the pieces into the board and closed it.
"Cheater."
"Can't help it." I shrugged.
When the time came, I changed my clothes and waited for my siblings to get out of the house. I drove to school, a little more eager than I expected. The thought of talking to Bella again made me feel excited.
I couldn't concentrate at all in Spanish, my head occupied with all the questions I would ask her today. During Government, I organized the questions in order of relevance and rephrased them so they didn't reveal that I was spying on them yesterday.
I found Alice standing at the entrance to the Government classroom when I was leaving. Her face definitely expressed a lot of anger, but she was so tiny it looked comical. I suppressed a laugh as hard as I could, but I couldn't stop my lips from twitching slightly. Her nose crinkled even more before she finally started talking.
"Not. funny," Alice spoke through gritted teeth. "I was sent to the principal because your change of decisions kept me dazed off for the last 39 minutes."
"Stop looking into my future." I shrugged simply, heading to History now. Alice followed.
"You know I can't control what I see." She was fuming. "So embarrassing! I've never been sent out of the classroom before."
"Well you wouldn't accept a bribe and I couldn't frighten you into spilling, so you might as well think of this as my revenge for your withholding information." I thought on the spot. "If you think about it, this whole situation is clearly your own fault. Have you told me about what I needed to know, I wouldn't have spent the last two classes thinking about the right words to say."
"It doesn't excuse you," Alice spoke, less grumpy and more irritated now. She could see my point.
"Well, I am actually sorry that you got kicked out of class," I spoke truthfully. "I didn't mean to cause you trouble."
"Fine."
"Hey, Edward," Stefan spoke from a few feet away.
"Stefan." I acknowledged the man when he was closer. "This is my sister Alice."
"Pleasure to meet you!" Alice fell into her enthusiastic mood again, giving Stefan a hug instead of a handshake.
"Oh." Stefan tensed. "Yeah, pleasure is all mine."
At least the guy was polite. Truth be told, I remembered when Alice did the same thing to me the first time we met. She acted way too friendly with strangers at times, especially when she saw she was going to be friends with a person. I gathered from her mind that the relationships that she saw herself in the future felt as though they had already happened. Her mind already accepted the new person as a friend and that's exactly what she was acting as.
"I'll see you during lunch," Alice told me and strode away.
"Your sister is very…" Stefan started.
"Strange?" I guessed.
"I was going to say sweet." Stefan corrected. "I don't remember the last time I met someone so friendly."
"Yeah, she's all that until you get on her bedside. Trust me, she is the devil in a skirt." I warned.
"It's always the tiny ones you have to worry about." Stefan laughed. "My sister Bella is the same way."
"She seemed very nice yesterday," I spoke bemused. Of course, after yesterday night and her outburst on Charles, I could see what Stefan meant, but he didn't need to know that I knew.
"Oh, she's very nice to people that have good intentions." Stefan insisted. "She seems to know who those people are immediately."
"And you?" I asked as we sat down.
"According to her, I always choose the wrong crowd." Stefan chuckled. "She let me know that I chose the worst ones I could yesterday."
"Did she?"
"Yeah, I had to hear a lot about it on the way home."
"And who does she think is a good crowd?" I wondered aloud, hoping I would hear my name in the mix.
"One of the girls we sat with, Angela, was good, people in the band uniform, your family, I think she would even rather we sat alone than next to Mike."
"Well, I'm sure my family wouldn't mind if you guys sit with us." I considered, even though the words that just left my mouth sounded like the biggest mistake that could ever happen.
"They wouldn't?" Stefan asked a little surprised. "Sorry, don't get me wrong, it's just your family doesn't really seem like people who like outsiders. I mean your other sister and I are in the same Calculus class and looks repelled whenever anyone gets near her. I thought she was going to bite Eric's head off when he asked her for an interview for a school paper."
I could so clearly see that happening.
"Rose is reserved. She doesn't particularly like guys who are in her face. A lot of people can't see past her looks." I explained.
"I think I'll take you up on your offer then."
What a weird town Forks was. Before we even got to it I encountered the strangest murder I've seen in my life, and then found out my gift wasn't as powerful as I liked to think, and now I was developing friendships with humans who didn't even smell like humans. Plus the shapeshifters from La Push...Something was clearly wrong with this place.
Stefan and I walked to the cafeteria together, discussing football. We both used to play the sport, even though my experience with it was nearly erased from my head after I died. I could still remember some parts of it though and it seemed strange that I could relate to Stefan, who wasn't able to play anymore because of the lack of a team in this school.
"O! You guys talking about football?!" Emmett raised his head from his cell phone the minute Stefan and I sat down at the table. "Who's your team?"
"The Falcons." Stefan was quick to answer.
"Phh…Falcons. Titans will beat your asses this year." He said with a playful grin.
Jasper watched the guys interestingly, thinking about his own favorite team.
"You guys continue fighting, just remember neither of your teams even held a cup." He spoke with a smirk and held his hand up to me. I gave him a high five at that.
"What's your team?" Stefan asked. "Bears fan too?"
"Bless your heart." Jasper put his hand over his chest, his Southern accent that he usually tried to hide came forward now. "Do I sound like a momma's boy to you? The Cowboys are winning this year."
"Bless his heart," Alice spoke in her thoughts, switching her mischievous gaze to me. "If it makes you feel better, the winner…" I tried to concentrate on anything else before she finished her sentence. "Gosh, relax, I was just kidding."
She and Rose along with Bella came forward to the table and sat down on the opposite side. Bella chose a seat next to me, which made me smile in my head. Her wonderful scent hit my nose and I couldn't help but breathe it in.
"Hey." Bella shot me a smile.
"Hello." I smiled back at her, pulling a food container out of her purse. Her salad was created nicely, even though the smell of it repulsed me.
"What are we talking about?" Bella asked the group, opening up the lid.
"Football," Emmett replied eagerly. "Name the team, Bella."
"I've been a fan of the Seahawks recently," Bella replied eagerly.
"Yeah she's been a fan of all teams during the years, so I wouldn't say her loyalties lie where they should." Stefan laughed.
"We should all watch the game one day," Emmett suggested with his usual child-like enthusiasm.
"Over my dead body. Last time your precious Titans lost, Esme made me clean up after you stormed out of the playroom." Rosalie huffed.
"Titans will win this year for sure and you won't have to worry about that, love." Emmett countered.
"You say it every year." She made a face. I grimaced, this was definitely not a non-conspicuous thing to say.
"But Rosie, please…" Emmett's face fell and we all knew it was one thing she couldn't resist.
Jesus...what would Bella and Stefan think of Emmett's and Rose's relationship now? I made a mental note to talk to them about the future conversations that they decide to involve strangers in.
"I'm not cleaning anything, and if you give into your anger, I will be driving the Jeep for two months. Only the passenger seat will be available to you." Rose countered.
"Can I get on that bet?" Jasper inclined with a knowing smirk.
"What do you have to offer?" Emmett grinned.
"Are they always like that?" Bella asked me, obviously trying to contain her laughter.
I felt myself smile when I noticed how much fun she was having. Her eyes were crinkled in the corners from her smile. She looked so breathtakingly beautiful when she smiled.
"Worse," I replied finally and chuckled, thinking about all the other past and still ongoing bets that were happening in my family.
"You're no better," Alice spoke. "You still owe Rose for losing a race."
Ah, what a painful reminder.
"A race?" Stefan asked. "A car race?"
I nodded. "I got distracted for a very good reason and she took advantage."
"It's a battle, there's nothing wrong with taking advantage of other people's inabilities."
"Inabilities." I huffed. "I'll race you any day."
"Only if you are prepared to see your car bedazzled." Rose cocked her eyebrows at me.
"I'd take the risk." I crossed my hands on my chest and looked straight at Rosalie. "Bring it on, kitty."
"Can I get in on that?" Bella asked excitedly, looking between Rose and me.
"You want to?" Stefan asked before I could. Thinking of Bella driving so fast made me feel uneasy.
"Of course, Mr. Turtlepants would ask that question." Bella showed her brother her tongue. "Why do you think I'm not letting you drive us to school? We would have to leave 30 minutes earlier."
"I don't drive that slow." Stefan rolled his eyes.
"Fifteen over is a minimum required speed if you want me to be your passenger." Bella winked.
"I like that girl!" Emmett's booming voice passed through my head and I couldn't agree more.
"We should get going." Alice caught our attention, pointing around a seemingly less full cafeteria.
I stood up and waited for Bella to put her container back into her handbag.
"Shall we?" I asked.
"Lead the way." She smiled, putting her arm through mine. I felt a current come through my whole body at the same point her skin touched mine. How was she not afraid to touch a vampire?
"Let me." I took her handbag from her other hand.
"Chivalry isn't dead after all, good to know," Bella spoke interestingly.
We walked to Biology like that, talking about driving and cars. Bella turned out to be interested in both of them, although I quickly figured out that Stefan was right about Bella's loyalties. She seemed to switch teams like gloves, only rooting for those who were showing themselves better than others during the game.
"I've noticed your car in the parking lot." I decided to start my prepared questions when we were close to the classroom.
"She's a beauty, isn't she?"
"They don't make ones like that anymore. How did you come into that possession?"
"One day after our first meeting and you think I'm going to spill all of my dirty secrets to you, huh?" Bella chuckled. "I'll have to get to know you a little more before that happens."
"That can be arranged." I agreed unreluctantly. All I wanted was to know everything about her, the first moment I laid my eyes on her that was all I could think about. I could hear her heart skip a bit at my words and felt satisfied with myself.
"Guess we should start on that sooner rather than later," Bella whispered.
"What do you want to know?" I asked, a little scared now. I couldn't reveal anything too specific, I would hate lying to her, but my family's secret came first. It always came first.
"Let's start easy. This question will pretty much determine whether this friendship will strive or die." She spoke mysteriously and seriously, before letting a quick laugh escape from her lips. "I had to do it, sorry. Your face was priceless. I am actually interested to hear about your thoughts on the topic. Kantianism or utilitarianism?"
I was definitely not expected to hear a question about moral philosophy, so I took a second to think both through. The last time I studied the subject was a couple of decades ago and before that, I only ever had two conversations about it. One with Carlisle regarding the existence of a soul in vampires and the other with Jasper when listening to his story.
"If all humans were able to see the future, I would say utilitarianism. But since we have no knowledge of what's going to happen after we act in a specific way, I would say Kantianism makes more sense and allows all of us to see each other from a better standpoint." I spoke finally.
"So you believe that because the person thought they were making a good decision and it ended up badly doesn't mean that their morality should be judged," Bella stated.
"Do you disagree?"
"A little."
She didn't start speaking for another ten seconds. Usually, I would be able to fish the thoughts out, but with Bella, I had to wait patiently in hopes she would elaborate.
"Wouldn't you call someone a ruthless murderer even if they had only ever killed to protect good people?" She finally asked and I tensed. Bella didn't notice however and I fell back to her pace. "That's probably not the best question to ask. Murder is a sensitive topic for such discussion. Let's take Robin Hood as an example instead. Stealing from the rich to give to the poor, he's still a thief who is taking something that doesn't belong to him."
"I can see why you disagree with Kantianism a little," I spoke and took another few seconds to think through the dilemma. "I guess you could say that his actions aren't justifiable, but Robin Hood is, in my opinion, is a total Kantianist. He saw his actions as true noble acts. The story is built on that principle to make the character look good in the eyes of the reader. But that would also depend on the type of reader. A greedy millionaire would never see Robin Hood as a hero and neither would a person who worked tirelessly their whole life to earn what they got whilst the others did absolutely nothing and yet were getting by because he or she got robbed."
"I think you're putting Robin Hood in modern times and it's clouding your judgment a little." She pointed out and I unwillingly nodded. "I can see how in nowaday society Robin's actions would be seen as cruel, especially toward the second type of rich people you described. But I doubt it would have been the same back in his days. The rich had their money because of their family status and the taxes they got from those actually doing all the hard work. Wouldn't you say his actions were justified in the end and it made him a hero because of that?"
"That's only if we assume that Robin started his endeavors by thinking that any of his actions would result in the greater good for everyone. Maybe the rich back then didn't care that much about some stolen silver or gold. If we could say for sure that the rich also got happier when they lost their money as it helped them see the beauty around them more clearly, then I would agree with your theory about utilitarianism. However, we can't know that they did. Utilitarianism is unconditional, a choice should lead to a better outcome. However, there are variables that one needs to consider. Nothing is black and white in this world and the outcomes that we think we are about to face can turn to bite you in your behind just by overlooking one variable."
"The grey area." Bella agreed as we reached the classroom and sat down. "That's one of the reasons I still can't decide what I believe to be better. But Kant's philosophy also suggests that we shouldn't care about outcomes as long as we are doing what's right. Suppose you knew a secret, let's say this secret if exposed, could hurt a lot of people you love, would you share it if someone asked you to tell them?"
How did she manage to hit me again? Two theoretical questions that I could reply to judging by experience. It was as though she knew my secret already, and was trying to get me to confess. Maybe I am just overthinking it. If Bella knew what I was she would be running away screaming, not taking a seat next to me.
"Kant says you shouldn't lie, no matter what the consequences of telling the truth are," Bella added.
"I think I found one thing I disagree with in Kantianism," I replied a little amused.
Never before had I had such an interesting conversation with another person. And about moral philosophy no less. I looked at Bella with admiration, she was bringing up something in me I never knew I had. The will to make time to listen to another person and more importantly to change my mind about certain things I believed in for decades. I thought I was to be forever frozen, not just in my body, but in my life believes and values...Was I wrong about the last parts? I thought I knew everything about life at this point, but clearly, it's not going to be the first time Bella proves me wrong.
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