Chapter Four: DYWTYLM

"And my reflection just won't smile back at me like I know it should
And I would turn into a stranger in an instant if I could
And there is something eating me alive, I don't know what it is
Maybe not that you conceal your feelings, they just don't exist

Do you ever believe
That we can turn into different people?
It's getting harder to be (myself)
Do you wish that you loved me?"

I readjusted my position on the bench as my fingers continued to fidget with my nails, staring down at them as I picked away. I bit the inside of my cheek out of habit and realized I had been bouncing my leg lightly before stopping the motion. Everything about this day left me in suspense from when I woke up. Today was the first task of the Triwizard Tournament that was set to begin in minutes, and all I could think about was Harry succumbing to some horrible death in front of me.

I had a distraction with Aurora commenting on anything random she saw; everything from the long walk up the hill to the setup arena, the chilly fall winds, and how my black outfit and coat made the little bit of red in my hair stand out. This was a nervous habit of hers where she would just yap away at anything that she saw, nearly unable to control whatever her mind thought of. At times this could be annoying, and other times it was welcomed when my nerves came into play and I could join in on her musing However this time I tried my best to listen and reply when I could, but at one point I just couldn't focus on her words.

We had found a spot within the staff and judge's tent that had a perfect view of the rocky pit laid out before us. Students had filled in the benches all around in the stands, the deafening sound of multiple conversations only allowed me to continue to space out with my thoughts.

"Miss Thorne, you would've done yourself some good had you taken something before you came here; your leg will rattle the entire staff out of their seats if you don't cease its shaking."

I snapped from my daze and looked to my left at Severus who didn't look at me but kept his face toward the arena. Severus had chosen the spot next to me when he had arrived, and normally I would try to say something of a greeting like we had been able to do, but I remained focused on the horrible idea of watching my Godson die before my eyes. I stopped my leg once more once he pointed out the light bouncing I did.

I narrowed my eyes lightly but couldn't find anything to retort with. My anxiety wouldn't allow me to concentrate on anything other than the high stakes that Harry was about to face. I sighed and recrossed my legs, hoping that the new movement would somehow the involuntary bouncing.

"You don't happen to have an anti-leg-bouncing potion on you then, do you? Otherwise, brace yourself." I replied as calmly and playful as I could be under the circumstances. I just didn't feel up to any bickering at the moment and hoped that maybe a lighter response would curate that. I caught the movement of his glance, a curious look in his eye as he looked me up and down for a moment before facing forward.

"Must be in my other robes." He replied, though his tone hadn't changed I couldn't help but chuckle at his sarcastic words. It was a brief moment where I was able to relax thanks to his dry humor. Whether he meant it to or not I welcomed the joke. It must've caught him off guard as he turned his head back to me quickly, studying my reaction and waiting for something to happen that didn't.

"I suppose that can happen if you wear nothing but black." I teased back.

His eyebrow twitched and his brows knitted together in curiosity. "Yes… I suppose as well…" he gave a single, slow nod before turning his head equally slowly back to the direction of the pit.

At least he wasn't completely blowing me off. I felt a nudge from my right and turned my head to see Aurora's face, a small mischievous smile on her lips while looking between Severus and myself in rapid succession before raising her eyebrows. Ever since I had explained the rather convoluted past that Severus and I shared Aurora always made some type of suggestive look or comment my way. Though most of the time I found it to be silly, other times I found it to be misplaced when Severus would simply acknowledge my presence. She tended to make something out of nothing, and this time I couldn't entertain that idea. I shrugged and avoided her stare by looking back down at my nails, realizing I had accidentally chipped the nail on my thumb.

"Well if it isn't the frosty queen herself!" A high-pitched shrill voice came from behind me pulling me from my thoughts about freshening up my nails and whirling around to see who spoke. It was a bright bleach blonde woman adorning a horn-rimmed pair of gaudy glasses, sage green satiny robes with a matching suit and skirt that stood behind me accompanied by presumably a photographer with his clunky and boxy camera. A Quick Notes Quill levitated behind the woman, the notepad hanging closely by the quill. The woman's bright red lips smiled back at me as if an animal ready to attack her prey. I didn't recognize her at all but didn't like how she knew me or what she could want from me.

"Shouldn't you be bothering the champions with another interview, Skeeter?" Severus bit back as he returned quickly to his original view, also annoyed by the sudden appearance of the woman. Of course, no wonder I instantly didn't like her.

"Isn't that the woman that wrote about us?" Aurora whispered into my ear, I nodded quickly with a light roll of my eyes before looking back up to her where her bright cherry red lips frowned in a dramatically hurt expression.

"Oh, come now, Mr. Snape I can't spend the whole time interviewing the very anxious little teens when I've got the chance for an in-person interview with the two newest additions to Hogwarts staff! My, Maeve Thorne, you look as intimidating as they say." Rita plopped down on the bench behind me joined by the photographer and looked between Aurora and myself along. A curl of disgust appeared on my lip and gave her an aloof look before turning back to the front.

"I heard you wrote quite enough about me and my assistant not too long ago. Running low on tall tales, Skeeter?" With a smug tone, I turned my head throwing the question at her without looking directly at the reporter.

"Oh, don't do that, Maeve! My audience needs something to captivate them, and who am I to deny that? Besides, wouldn't you like to tell your side of the story? What really brought you to Hogwarts, and why do you truly want to teach the students about this strange ability?" Rita leaned in between me and Aurora as she spoke, getting closer with each question that popped up.

I gave a disgruntled look her way before furrowing my eyebrows together and turning slightly to watch her face. She had this twinkle in her hazel eyes the longer I stared, on the edge of her seat hoping that I was about to break down and say something she'd be able to twist. I gave a spurious smile before replying.

"Sure, here's an answer to all of that: piss off before I fling you so far off that bench that the Centaurs in the Forbidden Forest will find you before any search party can."

Her once bright expression dropped into shock with Rita dropping her jaw, a gasp accompanying the expression before she pulled back and mutter something under her breath about being rude. The interaction left me feeling much more satisfied now that the nosey report knew where we stood. Aurora pursed her lips and covered her mouth in a feeble attempt at hiding her delight in the show. I heard what sounded like a grunt, bordering on a chuckle, from my left and turned quickly to see that Severus had the faint look of a smug smile on his lips, clearly hearing the interaction but commenting nothing in return. He looked downward to me with a nod that caused my small smile to form. We held the stare for just a moment longer before turning back to the pit. It seemed like I was gaining much more approval from Severus in just the past ten minutes than I had all year.

It wasn't long before the canon for the tournament to start let off with a loud bang, the sounds of students cheering were nearly as deafening. Ludo Bagman began announcing the start of the event, explaining that each contestant was to face off with a dragon to capture a special golden egg prize that the dragons were guarding. Had this been the first time I heard about it I would've vomited on the spot, as dragons were creatures that I feared ever since I found out they were real. Flying, gargantuan creatures that could fly and cook you to death then eat you in one chomp?

Absolutely, not. Of course, most people had a tendency to fear the creature, but my aversion to them was more a phobia; being introduced to a Boggart in my school days proved for a riveting day as I had a difficult time producing the Ridikulus charm. Luckily, I was able to turn that much smaller dragon into a chicken, however, I doubted Harry was able to learn anything that would turn a real dragon into a harmless, flightless creature.

I had asked Elowyn to keep an eye on Harry throughout his day whenever she could. Since I could only do so much throughout the day, it was almost easier to have Elowyn report back anything suspicious or concerning that dealt with him. Elowyn kept asking why it was important, and I didn't want to outright lie to her, so I explained it was important that he knew he had people in his corner, and that his name being called wasn't normal, so I needed to watch out for him. Months prior I had a very hard discussion with Elowyn about Harry being my Godson; she had become irritable and thought this was a way of being replaced somehow. With the help of Aurora, I reminded her that no one would replace her and that this was more of adding to our little family rather than not a replacement of one. It took her quite a bit of time talking with us, but eventually found it to be possibly a good thing to have him connected, seeing as they had become friends. So, after the blow-up by a hormonal teenager, Elowyn understood what she needed to do and promised to keep it a secret.

As time passed it was obvious that the student body didn't have a great opinion about Harry being a champion, and even created badges to mock him. While there couldn't be anything done to find all of the 'Potter Stinks' badges I did make it my mission to reprimand every student I saw with it sighting it was disrespectful, and that they could find other ways of showing support for their "true" Hogwarts champion, Cedric Diggory.

Elowyn informed me that even Harry's best friend, Ronald Weasley, wasn't on speaking terms with him for what Elowyn thought was jealousy. Regardless, it wasn't long before Harry, Hermione, and Elowyn had come to me to ask for help and to gather any information about how to face off with a dragon. I found it rather odd at the time and after very little questioning (more like interrogating) on such a subject that's when I learned about Harry's first task. Ever since then I was convinced it had to be some sort of horrible joke that the three were trying to play on me. Now, I was proven entirely wrong and wondered if I should start a petition to the ministry about what should constitute as safety in games such as this.

Once Bagman had finished and welcomed the first champion, Cedric Diggory, to face off against his dragon the anxiety had returned to full force. I wanted Harry to win, or at least stay alive, but that didn't mean I wanted to watch other students fall to their doom against these vicious creatures. I could only hope every one of them had the chance to succeed and leave with their lives.

Cedric Diggory was able to flawlessly distract the dragon by transfiguring a rock into a labrador to retrieve his egg after a few trial-and-error ways. We as the audience remained focused on his skills, and I had to admit it was rather impressive even with Cedric almost being cooked alive.

"Let's hope Harry can do something like that…" Aurora leaned into my ear and spoke softly, an automatic nod to show I had heard her was all I could provide. I had no idea what Harry had planned, and last time I asked Elowyn if he had found a solution, she mentioned that Harry and Hermione were practicing charms to help him through the task. I was banking that it was somehow a dragon-repellent charm that they seemed to discover in some long-lost Hogwarts book.

The Beauxbaton student named Fleur Delacour seemed to of charmed the dragon, putting the beast in some sort of trance and lulled it to sleep just in time for her to retrieve her egg. She wouldn't escape completely without getting singed as well.

Victor Krum, an international Quidditch player and Durmstrang student decided to use attack tactics rather than a distraction or soothing the abominable fire-breathing creature. Injuring the dragon Victor Krum was able to gather his egg but caused quite a ruckus in his mission.

All students so far were able to conquer their quest and now it was time for Harry to (hopefully) do the same.

The sounds of the next dragon being wrangled into the portion of the arena where they would soon enter, I kept squeezing my hands into fists to try and ease my worries, Aurora grabbed my hand and gave me a reassuring squeeze and a look of sympathy. I swallowed my nerves as best as I could and couldn't help but feel the eyes of someone on me to the left. Glancing over I noticed it was Severus who quickly turned his head back to look ahead. Whatever look he had on his face had morphed back into his normal stoic expression. I blinked with a twitch in my brow before my attention immediately was thrown back to the pit upon the announcement of Harry's arrival.

I could barely see him from where the staffing tent was at, but as soon as I caught the spot of black hair coming out and making a quick start to the golden egg the full view of the dragon that had whipped its tail closely to the boy. It finished climbing out the bottom of the huge pit where the rest of the dragons had entered and exited from. The full body of the spikey dragon emerged and seemed fouler than the last three that I had seen. The sound of its screeching roars piercing through the silence that had, just a few moments before, filled the entire audience. When the tail crashed down into the ground I jumped, panic setting in me as I looked for the tiny spot of black that safely made it away.

The dragon flung its tale once more and Harry jumped out of the way somewhere out of sight. I leaned forward trying my best to not get out of my seat and watch from the wooden railing. Suddenly flames had erupted from the dragon's mouth toward a spot that Harry just dashed away from. Harry had stumbled and fallen on the side of one of the rocks, the dragon had maneuvered to swiftly whip his tail once again with only seconds for the boy to roll away from the impact. I couldn't stop myself from the hand flying up to my hand and stopping the gasp that nearly escaped. The staff around me reacted with the same jumping manner, the outcry from the violence of this beast that the other three simply didn't have.

"Gods, that thing is entirely too dangerous…" Aurora mumbled but I didn't respond. I was too busy trying to concentrate on the nastiest display of animalistic power the dragon was showing. Harry had slid down the side of the rock after trying desperately to climb up. The dragon went airborne but the huge chain around its neck wouldn't let him go very far. The tail of the dragon had scooped Harry's body up and flung him and his body into one of the crevices where two rocks shielded him. This time I couldn't stop my jerking reaction forward and was physically stopped by a strong grip around the bend of my arm. It snapped me out of my trance and pulled me to look to my left where Severus looked at me with caution. Though I hadn't lifted from my seat to stand, the motion of my body must've alerted him and caught me before I could act. Severus released his grip on me, eyes still lingering on me when looked back to the scene before me, blinked and eased myself back into my spot, heart racing not just from Harry's terrifying predicament. He had a rather firm grip on my arm, a sensation that lingered.

The dragon settled back down once more, roaring as if with triumph. Harry had managed to run behind the thicker part of the rocks, and I could've sworn I heard Hermione Granger call out for him to use his wand, but with all the other noise around me and my frayed nerves, I couldn't distinguish if I did. There was a pause from Harry for just a moment before Harry pulled his wand out and motioned with it some sort of spell. Harry continued to move along behind the rocks to shield himself from the dragon that lifted into the sky once more. This time I had a clear image of Harry hiding behind the boulder that the dragon started roasting. I couldn't understand what kind of magic he used to help him in this situation, my face scrunched in disbelief that he could find some way out of this. Just when I thought hope was lost the sound of something zooming in at such a fast rate was heard overhead, and in a speedy dive to Harry a broomstick was heading directly for him unbeknownst to the dragon. Harry kept an eye out and as the broom came barreling in, he dived to straddle the broom mid-air and off he went away from the immediate area where the dragon was.

Relief flooded over me in the form of a deep exhale, the crowd began to cheer as Harry went for the egg. The dragon wasn't finished with him yet when another fiery exhale was sent his way just before he could grab his prize. Harry circled around but to my horror when the dragon had pulled up to fly the chain around his neck had broken with a loud crack. I pulled both hands back to grab Severus and Aurora next to me, eyes widening with panic that started to flood over and run all over my body. A great fear of mine about being eaten by a dragon potentially just materialized on top of the impending doom I felt Harry was about to face.

"It's okay!" Aurora's reassurance was spoken with a tight voice, and laying a hand on my shoulder, it sounded like she doubted her own forced consolation, yet her eyes kept focused on the monstrous dragon, Severus merely tensed under my touch and prepared for whatever happened next.

However, the dragon remained determined to follow Harry, and in his attempt to circle and fly away from the dragon he made the hasty decision to fly through the staffing tent right between Dumbledore and McGonagall and upward out the back causing the staff to divide with a quick reflex. Severus had leaned lightly into me causing me to rock back in Aurora lightly, but I had no time to react to the huge spikey tail of the dragon heading straight for us all. The crash came quickly with barely any time to jump out of the way. I felt the weight of being pushed into Aurora who had ducked and covered herself, a scream escaped from my mouth, darkness closing over me and covering me as the entire tent shook with such force that I fell off of the bench along with the two people on each side of me. The blast of debris had fallen around us but lucky nothing dangerous had landed on me or my two colleagues.

The staff and judges were all doing their best to recover from the incident, and the sound of cheering from Harry's lucky escape (or maybe from the disastrous crash we all just experienced) created a buzz in my mind. I almost didn't realize the weight of Severus' body on me until he started to lift himself up, a look of astonishment mixed with annoyance over his face as he lifted the black cloak over me, along with his hand on my shoulder with it. His eyes scanned himself before scanning over my body and meeting my eyes that held bewilderment. I didn't expect him to act so vigilantly, then again, he did have to stop me from getting to my feet not too long ago.

"Are you okay?" Aurora asked but to tell the truth, I was anything but okay at the moment. A dragon hell-bent on eating Harry was chasing him Gods know where, the dragon almost killed us all and I was processing the fact that Severus just threw himself over me in an act of protection. I blinked while pulling my eyes away from him to look back at Aurora checking with her eyes to look around at everyone before pulling me up to my feet. I dusted the front of my black pea coat before I reached down to help Severus pull the rest of himself up to his feet. "Yeah, what about you two?" I asked looking at her.

"I would be better knowing where he and that dragon are going if we're being honest," Aurora replied trying to look through the gaping hole that now opened up the tent. "Oh, the sleeves ripped!" A sharp breath of disappointment finished her sentence as she examined the torn fabric of one of her favorite camel-colored jackets.

I looked at Severus who just finished dusting off as many wooden pieces on himself huffing with a disdainful look on his face. "Are you alright?" I asked almost out of breath from the overwhelming situation.

"Once Potter serves three months with me in detention then I might feel fine!" He snarled out while also looking toward the opening. This time I didn't disagree that Harry would've ended up in more trouble with us than the dragon out of pure frustration.

The chaos had settled, and the rest of the time seemed to linger on. The sounds of crashing, and the dragon roaring echoed around the stadium, yet no signs of either life had shown up. It wasn't until the silence had settled over that the worry came about.

"Something should've happened by now…" I mumbled while looking into the dreary sky. After what felt like an eternity the sound of a broom whizzing by broke over the silence and the tiny dot of Harry came closer and closer, a trail of smoke following behind him from his broom. The entire arena exploded into cheers from the students, staff, and judges; this time I couldn't help but clap and cheer my excitement and relief as well. Harry had survived the death by a dragon event and swooped down to catch the egg.

The first task had come to an end and none of the champions had lost their lives nor received injuries that couldn't be treated. I was thankful that I didn't witness the demise of my Godson and I was sure that Sirius would love to hear about his performance. I made a mental note to write him back as soon as I got to my private quarters.

The first event came to a roaring close and I got up with Aurora who blew air out of her mouth, hands on her hips while turning to me. "Not only is he safe, but you should've seen how that reporter lady looked after the dragon came through." She said a mischievous smile playing on her lips as she giggled to me.

I turned to look back as the woman in green was still fixing her hair and moved to try and fix her glasses that seemed broken enough to where they couldn't stay in place right, leaving with the photographer and checking over his clunky device. I snickered at the satisfying image of the disheveled Rita Skeeter. People were starting to file out after the final scores where Harry tied for first place with Victor Krum, the excitement of the advancement of the champions could be felt by the staff and the children.

I was very happy that this had come to an end, and even with the other two still looming over our heads I could at least relax until after the holidays, yet as Aurora started speaking excitedly, I noticed that Severus had walked further ahead from the two of us down the side of the hill.

'He reached out to protect me…' I thought to myself while being completely oblivious to Aurora's words until her hand touched my shoulder.

"Hello? Earth to Maeve?" I shook my head and apologized before looking at her, blinking myself back to the present. Aurora gave me an inquisitive look before searching back in the direction I had been staring in. She noticed it was Severus in front of us descending the hill and turned back to me with a smile of understanding. "Ohh, I see where you were. He did do a pretty admirable thing by covering you, you know." She had a pleased smile, a look that led me to believe she was suggesting something chivalrous perhaps. I shook my head and waved her off. "Yeah… yeah, but nothing like that. Actually, I'm going to talk to him, I'll catch up with you all after." I told her while motioning to the group of students that were talking rapidly and excited to Harry. Elowyn had been walking next to one of the Weasley twins as they all paraded with him back toward the castle just a little farther ahead than Severus was.

"Okaaay, but I expect to hear about everything that's said later." She gave me a threatening look and pointed her finger, feigning seriousness before she started walking quicker to catch up with the group. I did want to hear about Harry's accomplishments from himself, but I felt that I could at least walk and thank Severus for what he did.

I walked quickly to catch up to him, and since he was much taller than I was his longer strides proved a little more difficult to keep up with than I thought. "Severus! " I called out to him. Instead of ignoring my voice, he stopped to slowly turn and look me in the eye as I came up to his side.

"Yes?" He asked as his eyes narrowed lightly with suspicion, his eyebrow popping up to enhance it. His tone didn't have any bit to it, he sounded curious, but I could tell that the apprehension of me catching up to him wasn't something he expected.

"I wanted to thank you for what you did," I breathed a little heavily from the little jog I had to do. I looked up at him while taking a few steps forward, which he copied by stepping to keep up with me. "I should've told you back there, but… everything was so chaotic, so… thank you," I said.

The Potions Master contemplated this as we continued to walk, seeming to figure out the right words to say. "No need to thank me; you had practically fallen off the bench. I was merely covering myself and you happened to be there." He dismissed; his tone held together in a way that wasn't exactly rude but wasn't kind either.

I raised an eyebrow at him. "You and I remember that very differently then unless you're saying your entire body covering me was some coincidence." I laughed at his excuse. "Regardless of your lack of acceptance… it was heroic of you." I watched him intently at my response.

"Heroic," He repeated, scoffing at the word while looking at me with absurdity that changed to a grimace of acceptance. "Perhaps I remember you speaking about your comical fear of dragons… Instinct took over, I suppose." He finished.

"Ah, you remembered well then. I also happen to remember you weren't this chivalrous in our youth, Severus. Don't be so modest." I gave a small smile to him before hearing a shriek coming from up ahead. My gaze followed the sound to find one of the Weasley twins hand in hand with Elowyn as they ran around the group to try and outrun a frazzled-looking Aurora who began shouting about something involving illegal gambling, and potential detention. Though Aurora was a big softy and possibly hadn't given out a single detention, the sight was amusing nonetheless to see that Elowyn was running around with someone she must've been fond of, playfully avoiding Aurora with him. Aurora didn't seem to be serious herself as she kept laughing while throwing out threats to them.

"Incredible," Severus stated as he came to a pause in his walking just as I did at the sight. "No relation by blood and yet she's an exact clone of you." He observed, sticking his hands in his pockets.

"I wasn't kidding when I said she's like me… I'm still trying to decide if that's a good thing. At least she's incredibly bright so maybe that'll deter her from making the same mistakes." I wasn't exactly replying to him more so speaking out loud about my thoughts. Yet in his presence, these words didn't mind being said. I glanced up to his face which was staring intently at the scene, Aurora had a hand on her hip and the other hand waving a finger after finally catching up to the two smiling, and giggling students who tried their best to maintain a serious look on their faces.

When she moved away, she had thrown back another finger wave at the two before departing from the group and calling out "I mean it!". As per usual her serious face just didn't stick. The Weasley twin grabbed Elowyn around her waist from behind and swung her around, a high-pitched squeal as she twirled before being put down facing the opposite side and chattered away with the Gryffindor boy to join the rest of the group.

"Yes…" He answered, "Yet some mistakes aren't so easily avoidable." His grim undertone behind his words didn't go unnoticed by me. I stared back up at him as he continued to watch, and while I at first felt the irritation rise it was quickly replaced with something else. Guilt took over in my chest and observing him I could even see that in the nearly indecipherable look in the eyes of Severus Snape, I felt the guilt that his eyes couldn't hide, either.

He quickly turned his attention forward and kept walking without another word, potentially noticing how I didn't say anything and didn't feel up to whatever nasty comment I may have had to say.

'Persistence and patience.' Dumbledore's words replayed in my mind while I watched his cloak billow within the sharp winds of November. If persistence and patience were needed to remedy this, then maybe this was my opening.

"Yes," I called out while hurrying to catch up to him. "That is true, isn't it?" I questioned. It seemed to shock him that I came back with something that didn't sound brash or condescending in return. "Sometimes you make mistakes to learn the harder way, and… when you grow up you can see the mistake for what it was, can't you?" My questions were nearly beseeching as if to try and search farther into my words for him to understand. Did I even know what I was truly saying?

Of course, this must've triggered something for him, as if my presence wasn't enough to make him uncomfortable, the scene displayed before him as the next generation of Slytherin and Gryffindor defy house rivalry once more must've taunted the memory. A shared, painful memory we both had yet to truly address with each other and maybe if he heard it in my words, he'd understand just what I was trying to say. I wasn't sure if I was saying that Sirius was a mistake, but I knew my error lay with not seeing the forest through the trees with Severus Snape.

He had stopped in his tracks to fully turn to look at me, mouth slightly opened as if to say something, but the words caught in his throat. His eyes looked back and forth in mine. "See it for what it is?" He repeated my words, pushing for me to continue.

"Well, when you see life through experienced eyes… perspectives change and are reflective. You see what had been missing when you thought… you had all you wanted. Errors in judgment, so to speak." I was stumbling over my words more than normal. I tried to piece what I was saying carefully to not be direct, as this topic that I tiptoed around was as sensitive to me as I was sure it was for him. I searched into those eyes that seemed to flicker to a softer expression for a moment before he straightened up, lips pulled together in a controlled expression, with his eyebrows relaxing and composed expression.

"Understood…" The slow drawl of his smooth voice sent a shiver down my back and my stomach in knots. "Perhaps, this would be the type of realization one would pass on to someone who could benefit from it, such as Miss Beaumont." While he had a degrading tone his eyes suggested something different, as if conveying he meant the words to be a harsh way of expressing guidance. I raised my eyebrow to him and tilted my head, a playful smile on my lips.

"Elowyn? Yes, maybe it'd be in her best interest to find herself more interested in someone like Draco Malfoy, you think?" My sarcasm was light, and while I was sure that Severus was going to bite back that I misunderstood him, he simply rolled his eyes before taking off once again without another word. I folded my arms as I watched him stalk down closer toward the castle, my smile faltering at the thought that maybe it was too forward of a joke for him. Maybe humor toward our complicated situation wasn't at that stage yet, and as I decided to walk forward instead of standing in the cold, following the rest of the students and staff down, I contemplated if I had just pushed my luck farther than it could go.

)))(((

"I think we should be friends again!... no, too casual… and peppy."

I grumbled turning on my heels once more within my chambers, taking out my earring that I tossed into the small jewelry box before turning around once more I huffed and tried a different angle instead of a happier tone.

"Severus, let's… work it out?" That sounded even worse.

With a groan I fell backward on my bed, my hands covering my face in frustration. Anything I said sounded moronic, strange, or uncomfortable to how I'd approach Severus with this proposition. I could see several different ways, hear multiple different snarky replies, or him even turning away and completely ignoring me with whatever, or however I said it.

I had skipped the evening feast because as soon as I had gotten back to the castle, I had thought of nothing other than the Head of House for Slytherin after our conversation. Even if I tried to distract myself, tried listening to Aurora or Elowyn I simply couldn't concentrate on them. I made some poor excuse to just get something later from the kitchen and eat in my room, neither convinced I was alright even with my protests of being fine, but seeing no way I could be talked out of it. After sneaking away to get my dinner I remained in my room for the last several hours.

I couldn't deny it anymore; seeing Severus for the first time in over a decade I had found it difficult to ignore how I felt about him. I missed Severus more than I wanted to admit. Even with our disagreements and arguments I still felt this pull to keep up with him when I could. I was always sneaky, but I would try and watch him from a distance when I could. Old habits die hard, in this case, are revived.

Above all, I owed him an apology. He could play off today's events as nothing more than coincidence, but I knew him better than that. It made me feel like even with our past issues maybe Severus cared enough for me to also look out for me. The boy was complex, but the man was an enigma on how to read him, yet if you paid close attention to him, you could find that Severus had his ways of showing that he cared.

"What if I'm overthinking it?" I shot up and propped myself up on the bed, cheeks feeling with heat at the thought of misreading him and looking embarrassingly daft for trying to start our friendship back up. His demeanor just seemed opposed to having anything to do with me! Granted he would now greet me if I greeted him back, Elowyn did earn his praise for her extra credit (according to her he didn't act like it was much praise, but according to her Gryffindor friends it was still a big deal) and he chose to sit next me at lunch one day when there were plenty of seats to choose from. No, something was warming up between us.

'But what if I'm reading this the wrong way, and he's just tolerating me?' The evil little voice crept up in my head causing another wave of doubt to flood my mind. I pushed myself off the bed and continued to pace back and forth, fiddling with the strings of my bright cherry red sleeping robe before running my hands through my hair, grabbing the locks in my hand, and sighing heavily as I repeated my steps.

I stopped in my tracks when I remembered the very last time we had spent time together on the Black Lake. How could I ever forget that time when I felt so free with him? A time when we could speak openly, laugh without overthinking the little remarks if they sounded sarcastic or blunt, when I could grab his hand and just take him anywhere. What I remembered of that night was of course the most shocking aspect of it; the way he kissed me so passionately and how I became putty in his kiss.

I still remembered how his lips felt on mine, the way his hair tickled my skin, the hunger in the kiss.

A kiss that was damned the moment he held me. I pursed my lips and closed my eyes at the shame that coursed through me. I never told Sirius what happened, and he believed me when I said that Severus just found other friends to be around, but it in no way eased the guilt that I felt even if Sirius could be such an asshole at times. It took years for me to admit to myself that what I told Severus left me regretful.

I had been seeing the world through a black and white lens that anything grey had to be sorted into those two categories only. After my mother's infidelity, I held everyone to an expectationally high standard, and that their worthiness was based on their loyalty. To a true extent, but when you're a sixteen-year-old faced with a complicated situation you don't realize that not everything is shadow and light and that not everyone deserves to be ridiculed for perplexing situations by throwing their insecurities in their face.

Severus didn't deserve half the things I told him, nor did he deserve the mixed messages that I gave that I could see now. It didn't help that I kissed him back, practically laid on him, and gave him some confusing signals. It wasn't his fault that he also was trying to navigate the world the only way he knew how, and survival of it was a brave thing.

Not cowardly.

I let go of my hair and folded my arms before sitting back on my bed, my face relaxing while I nodded my head to myself. "It's not his fault he was dealt a hand like that… Not his fault that I… lied to myself."

Because it was true; Severus understood me in ways Sirius, nor anyone, could've, and not only that but he was there with me through some of the worst times in his life. I had pushed him away and wouldn't entertain the idea of what he had done as genuine all thanks to my ethics that I had such a firm stance on. I was different, and so was Severus… Why not at least try my hand at amending if he knew that I still cared about him?

I threw my hands up and chuckled. "I still care…" I said out loud. The dawning of the realization made me feel silly but speaking it into existence solidified it for me. Obviously, I must still care if I've gone out of my way to speak to him, react to him whether positive or negative, and spend the last few hours in an antsy state of contemplation about my decision to pursue a friendship with him. I care and I won't be able to stop that, regardless of him accepting a truce and a new start.

I turned to lay properly on my bed, fluffing my pillow up before resting on it. The more I thought about how it affected me versus what was to happen if I made myself a fool all drew to one conclusion the nerve-wracking decision that had to be made. I had to stick true to myself by at least trying. I owed it to Severus to try and make it up to him, but I also owed Severus a proper apology in the only way I knew how. Whether he accepted or not could only be within his control, but at least he knew where I truly stood with him.

"Tomorrow…" I mumbled while looking at the high ceiling of my room. Tomorrow would be the day I talked to him and did what I did best by winging it. Thoughts of how Severus would react played in my mind as sleep threatened to take over. After moving to take off my robe, slide between the covers, and wave my hand to extinguish the lights, I allowed those thoughts to continue to play through. Some involved him blowing me off, others involved him explaining he simply couldn't stand me anymore to accept, but an option where he accepted to start anew was the one that I last remembered before falling asleep.

A/N: I promised to deliver more interactions, and I feel like this is a good start! I hope this satisfies the need for more Severus interactions lol I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I should have the next one up relatively soon. Thank you all for reading!

Many thanks and love,

TJ