It was too empty.
It was dead.
This was my nightmare, it was my living - waking nightmare, cruelly mocking me with reality.. I gripped the front of my shirt, a harsh stabbing hitting me in my chest as I slid down the tree, slumping to the ground.
Whatever I'd been looking for, it wasn't here - it never was. I thought that maybe coming would give me some closure, or some kind of relief. Just anything to help ease the weight, but I was an idiot, as usual, just like everyone said. I was pathetic.
I was nothing without… without her. I was nothing in comparison. I was a boring, plain, weak, nothing human. I choked out a gasping cry as a few tears ran down my face; my whole body shaking as the night she left me replayed in my head. When she told me the truth. When she left.
I thought she'd loved me. It felt like I was breaking all over again and this stupid, horrible meadow was just… I couldn't handle looking at the reminder of what I couldn't be for her. What I could never be.
It took a minute, but I forcibly shook my head, letting the thought go - or at the very least trying too. I could still remember Charlie's face this morning. The look of fear he had when he saw me this morning. It wasn't hard to tell that he was freaking out, that I was slipping back into my depression, that the progress I'd made with Jules was just gone.
This was the opposite of healing, or closure, or whatever it was that he had been wanting me to do. It added to the hurt that I was letting him down like this, that all the effort of at least pretending I was ok really was just pretending.
But this place had been magical, our place, and I thought… I just thought that maybe seeing it again, it would somehow kickstart my heart, or something, that it would bring me closer to her or at the very least make me feel alive again.
It just ended up showing me how distant she was. Like me - my meadow was empty, devoid of the love she gave. It looked like it was dying.
I shook my head hard again, closing my eyes tight as I tried to stop hyperventilating. This was a mistake, a stupid one. I needed to get out of here.
Shakily, I put a hand on the tree, standing up, as I force myself to slow my breathing down. I tried to take a step back the way I came, but my stupid legs were numb, my whole body was, I realized. I don't know how I'd even gotten to my feet like this.
At least Julie isn't here to see this, I thought, so glad now that I didn't end up finding this place with her. It would've made the tears running down my face so much more embarrassing. I'd have never lived it down, not that I would want to in the first place, but it's nice to at least have one thing go my way, to have a bit of luck in at least something.
Is it really luck that you're alone? Seems like it happens a lot, the traitorous thought shot through my head. I can't help letting out a frustrated growl, a scowl on my face as I fight against my own thoughts, if for nothing but Charlie's sake that I at least look normal when I get home.
"Shut up," I muttered out shakily, letting my shoulder rest against the tree, leaning on it hard as I waited out my episode. There's not much else I can do without someone here to drag me out of it.
That's when I saw it, just in the corner of my eye.
My head snaps up, my eyes zeroing in on a figure, who was walking out from the trees from the north, about thirty yards away.
I was numb, and my head was working valiantly to tear me down with its words, but the wave of emotion that tore through me overpowered everything I was feeling. The elegant way the figure floated along the ground, the pallid skin, it made me hope for a fraction of a second.
I viciously suppressed it, not letting it hit me longer than that as I fought against the sharp lash of agony when my eyes continued up to the face beneath the black hair; the face that wasn't the one I wanted to see.
After the torturous disappointment, confusion came next, and just a dash of fear. This wasn't some stray hiker, we were too far from any trail, and the aura this woman was projecting… it was just as otherworldly as last time.
"Lauren?" I said, a grin pulling at my lips as I take a shaky step forward, the numbness finally subsiding as relief rushes through me. I knew that was the wrong feeling to have, it should've been fear, but I just can't muster it. To see her, one of her kind, here - it made me feel closer to…
Lauren had been a part of Joss's coven the last time he'd seen her, and had luckily opted to stay out of his friend's hunt. Last he'd heard, she'd gone to the coven in Denali and joined up with them, another civilized group who didn't hunt humans.
I really should be scared, but I can't help the wave of bliss running through me, the elation at having a little bit of magic returning to my meadow. Still a nightmarish sort of magic, but one that grounded me to my memories, to the reality that what I'd gone through was real and alive. The connection to my past that I'd wanted to find in this place alone - to know that she was alive and somewhere on this planet, and not just a desperate fantasy, it was a euphoria I didn't expect to hit so hard.
She looked the same, which of course she did. It was very human to expect anything else in the year since I'd last seen her. Though, I could tell that something was different about her - I just couldn't put my finger on it.
"Beau?" She asked, surprised as she looked me up and down.
"You remember." I say softly, nodding and smiling. It's stupid being this touched that a random vampire knew my name.
She grinned back. "I didn't expect to see you out here." She strolled towards me, completely relaxed as the wind blew through her long black hair. I shrug, tilting my head to the side as little as I put my hand on the back of my neck.
"I live here, and I was just… taking a stroll. What about you? I thought you were up in Alaska?"
She pursed her lips, eyeing me with thought as her head cocked to the side, making it look like she was mimicking me in a sense. It was hard not noticing her beauty as she eyed me, like all vampires, she was stunning. Though I was probably biased with how starved I was of having a little of this world back in my life. This was someone that I didn't have to pretend, or lie, or ignore for - someone who knows all about the secrets I've had to keep.
"You're right," she agreed. "It was pleasant spending some time there. Still, I thought that with the Cullen place empty… well, I thought that they must have moved on."
I swallowed hard. I hoped she couldn't hear it. The name made my chest tight. She watched me with curiosity as I tried composed myself.
"Yeah… um yeah. They moved on." I finally got out.
"Hhm," She hummed. "I'm surprised they left you behind. Weren't you some sort of pet of there's?" She asked, nodding slowly, as though she was trying to remember, like it was hard for her to see me with them.
I had to hold in the painful gasp. The burning knife stuck in my heart twisted sharply, sinking in further. I had to take a second to make sure my voice was steady.
"Yeah, well… they didn't want um…" I muttered, licking my dry lips as I looked down at the grass, "well, yeah, something like that." I finally said.
"Hhm," She hummed again, a little eager edge to it.
I quickly look up quickly, and that's when I realize - I'm so stupid - she looks the same. Her eyes… there the same as they were the last time I'd seen her. They were blood red, almost glowing. I had imagined that her eyes were gold, having spent time hunting like… I shake my head just slightly. Hunting like good vampires.
I guess I got too caught up in the magic too notice. I take a little step back, slowly moving, praying that it doesn't evoke suspicion. Not that it mattered much; if she wanted me, there's not much I could do to stop her. She watched me the entire time, still smiling softly as her eyes tracked my little movements.
"Do they visit often?" She asked simply, her body tensing slightly, letting it shift ever so lightly towards me.
Lie, her beautiful voice whispers in my head. I close my eyes, letting it wash over me, making me forget the danger for a second. The serenity doesn't last long as I hear Lauren's body shift again, the grass crunching beneath her feet as she takes a light step.
"Now and then," I said, looking back at her as I tried to hide my sudden fear (finally deciding to show up) behind a casual tone. I gestured a little scratching my head as I tried to keep my smile up.
"It probably seems longer to a human, they get busy," I said with a forced laugh, putting my hands behind my back.
"Hhm," he said again. "The house smelled like it had been vacant for a while…"
You have to lie better Beau… please, her voice begged, fear laced in her voice. I could never deny her anything.
"Yeah, ha, I'll have to let Carine know that you stopped by, she's gonna be disappointed that she didn't get to catch up." I took a breath, pretending to think as I tried to calm my racing heart beat. "Though I probably shouldn't mention it to… E-Edyth," my voice cracks, stuttering at her beautiful name… it was hell to let the beautiful word fall from my lips - "She gets touchy about the whole Joss thing. She really has a temper," I wave a hand dismissively, like it was all just ancient history, but I couldn't keep the tint of panic out of my voice. I shrug my shoulders, hoping that she didn't notice.
"Is that so?" she asked softly. Skeptically.
I froze, trying, but knowing I'm failing to keep my fear off my face, out of my body language. "Yup," I say quietly.
Lauren took a little step to the side, looking around at the meadow. It took her a step closer to me as well I noticed. Her beautiful voice snarled in my head.
"So how are things working out in Denali? Carine said you were staying with Tanvir?" My voice was an octave higher as I watched her lithe body get closer.
The question made her pause. "I love Tanvir very much," She mused. "And his brother, Ivan… it's a novelty. I've never stayed in a single place for so long, and I enjoyed it much more than I thought I would. But even so, the restrictions… I don't know how they keep it up for so long." She gave me a small smile. "I admit, sometimes I cheat," She whispered, leaning forward, like she was letting me in on an innocent secret.
My throat tightened up. My hands were wringing together behind my back. I let my foot ease back, but I froze when her red eyes flickered down to catch the movement.
"Oh, um yeah, Jessamine struggles with that, too." I barely get out.
Don't move Beau, she pleaded with me. I tried to do what she wanted, but it's hard. Every part of me wanted to run.
"Really?" Lauren seemed interested. "Is that why they left?"
"No," I answered honestly. "Jessamine's more careful at home,"
"Yes," Lauren sighed. "I am too," She smiles, giving a tiny shrug.
She took another teasing step forward.
"Did victor ever find you?" I asked fast, desperate for some kind of distraction for her, but I instantly regretted it. Victor is the last person I wanted to think of - she hunted me with Joss, and then just vanished after he died - the last vampire who really held a grudge against me. A life threatening one at least. I hope so.
Luckily the question seemed to work. She stopped, thoughtful.
"Yes," she mused, hesitating at his next step. "I actually am out here doing a favor for him." A little annoyed came on her face. "He won't be happy about this."
"About what?" I asked frozen, my face set in stone. I wanted to keep the conversation going, but I really didn't wanna hear this answer. She was glaring into the trees, away from me. I took one more shaky step back.
She looked back at me and smiled - the expression making her look like an angel. Though it was nothing in comparison to the one in my head.
"About me killing you," she answered with a gentle tone.
I staggered back another step. The low growling in my head made things hard to understand, to hear.
"He wanted to save that part for himself," she went on with a sigh. "He's sort of… put out with you Beau."
"Me?" I choked out, my eyes wide as I looked around, not moving my head, just my eyes. I need a way out - but I don't think there is one.
"I know, I said the same thing. It seemed backward to me as well. But Joss was his mate, and your Edyth killed her."
Even here, where I know I'm gonna die, her name still tore through me. Like a hot branding iron was pushing against my chest.
Lauren was oblivious to the agony I was in. "He thought it was more appropriate to kill you than Edyth - a mate for a mate you see. He only wanted me to get the lay of the land here as it was. I never would've guessed it would be this easy to get to you though."
Again, the name burned through me. Each time she said it was like a new torture.
"I'm afraid that Victor's grand revenge plot is not going to be as exciting as he believed. If she really considered you her mate, she wouldn't have left you here. I suppose she didn't really care for you after all." She muttered, mostly to herself.
That… that hurt probably worst of all. To hear someone say it out loud. To reaffirm what she'd… what she told me the first time.
She sighed, shifting her weight a little more towards me, like she was getting ready to pounce. "I suppose Victor will be angry, all the same. He doesn't like it when others steal his kills. He's quite mad like that. I suppose that's why he and Joss made such an amazing duo"
"Then why not wait for him?" I choked out, barely able to get a word out.
"Well you've caught me at a bad time actually Beau. Doing Victor's dirty work has made it hard for me to feed, and I was out here hunting you see? I haven't had a good meal in some time. I'm thirsty… and I'm sorry, but you simply smell… delicious." She inhaled, closing her eyes as she took my scent in. As if she were savoring it.
Threaten her! The delusion of her voice screamed desperately in my head.
"She'll know it was you," I said obediently. "You won't get away with this."
"Oh? Why not?" She asked curiously, as if she was considering the threat seriously. Her smile though told me she didn't honestly believe it. "The scent will wash away with the next rain - which is today I believe," She said looking towards the sky for a second, her ever present smile still there.
"No one will find your body - you'll simply go missing, like so many other humans. Edyth won't think of me, if she cares enough to look into it," She said, giving me a little, pitying glance. "This is nothing personal Beau, simply thirst.'
"She'll know," I stuttered out, blinking hard as I stood stock still. "She'll see your thoughts."
She gave a little shrug, taking a step forward. "I'll just have to avoid her then." She says quietly.
Beg, she pleaded with me.
"Please," I said, barely above a whisper. I wanted to say more, but a part of me… I felt resigned.
Lauren shook her head, giving me a kind look. "Look at it this way Beau. You're lucky. If you had heard even a little of what Victor had planned for you," she shook her head with disgust. "Trust me, you'd be thanking me for this mercy."
Thunder rumbled as she took one last step closer. We were barely a foot apart. My heart was hammering in my chest. My body still wanted to turn and run, but at the same time; this did feel like mercy.
Finally, maybe I could be happy; to rest after almost a year of endless misery, maybe I could find some sort of closure in the next life. I was scared - but ready.
Lauren leaned forward, inhaling deeply, her fingers very gently running down my arm. "Exquisite," She whispered, smiling. "Mouth watering."
"I'll be quick," She said, nodding her head as she opened her blood red eyes again, giving me a greedy bloodlusted look as her other hand came up and gently laid on my throat. "You won't feel a thing, I promise," She whispered, the hand on my arm ran down to my wrist, holding it gently, her eyes on mine as she brought it up. Gently, she slid the fabric of my shirt back, leaving my skin bare.
I could hear her voice screaming in my head, roaring with rage. My… My E-Edyth. I closed my eyes, letting the pain of her flood me.
Knowing that it was all over, I was finally going to have peace, I let it all come - every single moment I had with her, every memory, every kiss. All of it. The pain didn't matter now. Edyth… Edyth… Edyth. I repeated in my head Edyth… I love you.
It hurt almost worse than the thought of leaving Charlie and Jules behind. To say her name, even when it's just in my head, but at the end, she was the only thing I'd ever want to think about.
Her voice, her face, our moments of love - as hollow as they were for her. They were all real to me.
She was like an angel, she saved my life time and time again… and I loved her. My angel.
I heard my angel scream again - the same one when Joss had almost killed me in the ballet studio.
I felt Laurens teeth slowly sink into my arm. It hurt - but it wasn't as bad as what my mind did to me every night. I could feel my lips tugging into a smile, the end so close.
I could feel my blood barely hit her lips before she quickly snapped her head away. She was breathing hard, a deep frown marring her beautiful face. It looked like she was forcing herself to stop - which was surprising. I guess her time with the Denali clan really helped her learn restraint.
Her hands still held me, keeping me still, but her eyes roamed the meadow's edge, looking for something. I wish she'd get on with it, but I was curious. I turned my head, following her gaze. Her hands slid off of me.
"I don't believe it," she breathed. We were both looking at a huge black shape ease out of the trees, quiet as a shadow, and stalked deliberately to the vampire. It was enormous - as tall as a horse, but thicker, much more muscular/ The long muzzle grimaced, revealing a line of dagger-like incisors. A grisly snarl rolled out from between the teeth, rumbling across the clearing like a prolonged crack of thunder, matching the lighting in the sky that's only just begun.
I felt my breath leave me, but it wasn't because of what I was seeing. The bite… the bite was burning now. It barely felt like anything, but I knew what it meant. I pulled it against my chest, cradling my arm as I tried to ignore the ever slight burning, which was easy with what was stalking towards us.
The bear, or whatever it was; the gigantic black monster padded silently through the grass, stopping a mere ten feet from where I stood.
Don't move, my angel breathed in my head.
I stared hard, resisting the urge to run, or to move at all. I can feel Laurens venom slowly starting to creep into my skin. She'd barely gotten her teeth in me, but I guess it was enough - she'd only been savoring the taste before she really dug in. The difference was stark compared when I felt Edyth sucking the venom out.
My mind tried to come up with a name for the grizzly beast standing in front of me, but… I just can't. I'd just have to settle with the word wolf, though it felt inappropriate with how large this thing was.
Another grumble tore from its throat, and I shuddered away from the sound. Rain gently began to pour. My heart was beating faster.
Lauren was backing toward the edge of the trees. I could feel freezing terror trying to make its way inside me - not making much progress, but it was there, and under that I felt confusion. Why was Lauren retreating? The wolf was monstrous in size, but it was still just an animal. Why would a vampire be scared? And she was scared, she was terrified. Her eyes were wide with horror.
As if in answer to my question, suddenly the mammoth wolf was not alone. Flanking it on either side, another two gigantic beasts prowled silently into the meadow. One was deep gray, the other brown, neither one quite as tall as the first. The gray one was only a few feet from me, it's eyes trained on Lauren.
Before I could even react, two more wolves followed, lined up in a V formation. Which meant that the rusty brown monster that shrugged through the brush last was close enough for me to touch.
Stay still Beau, stay very still. Edyth's voice reminded me. Making sure that I didn't try and run. It's like my angel could see my fear, however small it was.
Though, no matter how still I could have been, I couldn't help my little gasp as the rusty one finally got into position with the others. Stupid - I shouldn't draw attention, I was the weaker, easy prey.
The rust colored wolf turned its massive head to me, it's dark eyes looking at me with… concern? It seemed intelligent, more human than animal. I don't know how I could tell that with the burning in my arm slowly progressing to an uncomfortable itch, spreading just a little beneath my skin.
As it stared at me, I couldn't help but think of Jules again, with so much more gratitude. I'm so happy that she didn't come with me. That I was the only one who was gonna die.
The black wolf let out another terrifying growl, making the rusted wolf's head snap back to Lauren.
She was staring at the whole pack with obvious terror, horror in her eyes. Which I guess I could understand, but she was a vampire, why was this scary for her?
Without warning, Lauren turned, and bolted, sprinting to the tree line so fast that my human eyes couldn't register her moving. She was a blur, and the wolves were after her just as quick. Snapping at her heels. The sound of their roars was as loud as the cracking thunder above.
I couldn't really believe my eyes. She had run away? Vampires where the apex predator, the only thing they had to fear really, was each other.
Quickly they all disappeared. I was alone again.
I knew I had to get out of here. Before they came back, the wolves or Lauren. Either group would gladly ea-
"Agh, h-holy." I said, cutting my thought off as I looked down at my arm. Blood was slowly running down from the wound. The venom inside me was easing along, making my skin feel like it was burning. Just barely, but it was getting worse.
I… I didn't even really think about it. She bit me. I knew what it meant… but just. This was…
Besides the feeling in my arm, I felt numb again. I think maybe… maybe I'm going into shock. I don't know what to do. I didn't have my angel here to save me.
What could I do? Was there anything to do? Why didn't the pain feel as bad as last time? So many questions tore through my head. Did they really matter? I stumbled back, feeling like I was gonna throw up.
I could hear my angel crying in my head. Begging me like she had been when Joss had bit me before, begging me to stay with her. I felt dizzy.
Stumbling again, I start making my way to the truck. It was three miles. I don't think I was gonna make it.
I don't really have anywhere else to go. Those wolves might come back, Lauren might come back to finish the job. Maybe. Blankly, I looked up, letting the rain hit my face. She said the scent would disappear - she might not be able to find me.
If she didn't… I look down at my arm again. I was going to turn… turn into a vampire. I was going to be a monster.
I started breathing heavily, hyperventilating again as I walked faster. What would happen to Charlie? To Jules? To anyone if I saw them. I don't think Lauren is gonna stick around to keep me from hurting anyone - and the… the Cullens were long gone. I can't do this.
I can't hurt anyone. For a second I think about maybe killing myself, just getting it over with. Like Lauren said, no one would find my body this far out in the woods. I'd just disappear.
No! My angel's voice sobbed, making my body seize. The pain was getting worse. I started to run, praying that I could make it back to the truck before the pain became too horrible.
Charlie! Think of Charlie, and Julie! They need you! My angel's voice begged, trying to make me think of anything other than ending myself. Trying to give me a reason to stay alive. Just as she'd always done.
I don't honestly think I could, even if I wanted to. There's not much in the woods you could kill yourself with. Not unless I tried to find those mutant wolves again. Or maybe I just wasn't creative enough, or suicidal enough.
Either way, she was right. I can't just leave Charlie alone, wondering what happened to me, letting him think that finally, my depression made me go crazy, that I actually did abandon him.
I let out a little scream as I felt the pain hit me again, the venom spreading down past my skin now. I knew that soon, it was gonna catch inside my blood, and I wasn't going to be able to handle it. I shivered, thinking of the last time I felt this.
I ran faster, sprinting with everything I had, holding my arm close to my chest. As fruitless as the plan was, my truck would probably be the safest place to be right now. I could lock the doors, make sure I couldn't get out. I pressed my lips together tight, knowing that wasn't true.
It wouldn't stop me if I was like my angel. But it was a comfort. I'd need that if I was gonna go through this alone.
I'm here, I'm right here Beau, I love you, her ghostly whisper said. It made me want to cry. I was scared. I…. I don't know what to do.
Somehow, I don't know how, but I was able to get back to my truck. My arm was on fire. I was crying, even as I tried to hold in my screams. I stumbled to the door, using my good arm to fling open the passenger side, and crawl in.
I slammed it shut, locked the doors, and I laid down on the seat. The fire started spreading, going faster, it was on my shoulder now. It was all over my arm.
I couldn't hold it in anymore. I screamed.