Chapter 80: Taking Responsibility

I awoke from a fitful sleep as dawn's light pierced through the den's barren barrier. It took me a fair few moments to fully wake up. Even then, weariness still refused to dissipate. I'd stayed up far too long considering my failure and what could have been done differently. My ponderings ultimately came to a grim conclusion. It was all too little too late. Even if I devoted my entire being to focusing on each kit in the nursery, Mistlekit would still be a foot down in the earth. My mistake couldn't be undone. There was no penance that could equate my sin. I failed her. I left a brother without his sister. I left a mother without her daughter. I knew I had to take responsibility.

I decided to visit Mistlekit's grave first. She'd be the first I'd give an apology to, even if it was token and useless. It wasn't long before I was upon the gravesite. The freshly churned ashy earth was fairly easy to spot, and I'd memorized the path the previous night. The grave was decorated with brown feathers and a few flowers from the unburned territory. I wasn't the only one there. A golden molly sat hunched over the grave, grieving the kit who'd never grow up. I soon was sat down by her side. Speckletail noticed my presence after a couple moments.

"Smudgefoot? What are you doing out here?" She asked with a slight tremor in her voice.

"I came to apologize. I was too slow. I could have saved her, but I didn't. Her death is on my paws." I answered in a flatly somber tone.

Speckletail turned quickly trying to reassure me. "No sweety. No. You did everything you could. You raced out there at the risk of your won life. You tried. Even I, her mother, didn't chance my own life to save hers. You even avenged her."

I growled at the word. "To avenge something is to pursue justice for a wrong done. No. What I did was a much more dirty thing. I got revenge. I killed that hawk, not for Mistlekit, but because it made me mad for harming what once was mine. Mistlekit was one of the many cats I have a duty to protect, and I failed her. I'm not just here to apologize to you but to her as well. I neglected her which caused her to seek attention in a dangerous manner, and it cost her. I'm not sure I should even be trusted to care for the clan anymore."

I felt the elderly molly lean into me. It took her a moment to find her words to answer my self-flagellation. "If anyone should be punished for neglecting her, it's me. I am her mother, but I devoted my attention to her deaf brother. Even if you are the acting deputy, you have a duty to every cat in the clan. Me, I just had my two kits, and I chose to only focus on one." She quieted a moment before continuing. "I don't want you to step down Smudgefoot. Even if you can't see it, the fact that you care enough to mourn a kit you hardly knew and attempt to take on the responsibility of her death proves how worthy of our trust you are. Only you are out here with me. Honestly, Thunderclan has had a string of good luck. There's nearly always at least one kit lost in a season, but that was before you and Fireheart arrived. We've all become somewhat numb to the concept of death, but you're still young. This was bound to happen eventually. I don't want you beating yourself up for what was likely fate."

"That doesn't change what happened." I growled back.

"Maybe so. Maybe you did fail, but every other cat in the clan did as well. We all have the duty to protect the kits of the clan. We all saw what happened, but only one cat really tried to stop it, you. Any one of us could have made that same attempt. Some of us were only a few paw lengths away, but you took off from the other side of the camp. You didn't fail Mistlekit. You were the only one who didn't." She replied, stunning me to silence.

We remained there, looking at that small grave for a while longer. Eventually, I decided to go. I still had a responsibility to the clan, even if I just wanted to sit there till the moon came up. When I got back to camp, I found Snowkit waiting outside the nursery. He spotted me pretty quickly. I gave him a similar apology, but he was just like his mother. He claimed I had nothing to apologize for. I returned to my duties. I was honestly a bit upset that they brushed off my apology as a nonissue. I had failed Mistlekit. Why couldn't they see that?

As the sun began to set, Ravenfeather dragged me back to our nest. He must have caught onto how exhausted I was. I'd hardly been able to sleep the previous night. He knew not the words that could calm the maelstrom of emotions in my mind, so he chose to instead quietly groom me, lulling me to sleep. His soft purr seemed to echo throughout me, silencing my thoughts and drawing me into the blackness of slumber.

Pale light seemed to sneak through my eyelids, prompting me to open them. A familiar starry field met my eyes. Across from me sat Spottedleaf. She'd clearly been waiting for me.

"You can't keep shouldering all the blame Smudgefoot. Fate is a fickle thing. I learned fairly early on as a medicine cat that we just can't save everyone, no matter how much we want to. Forgive yourself because you are the only one who blames you." She mewed in both a chastising and caring tone.

"I can't. I had a duty to protect her, and I failed. I can't accept failure. It's not who I am. I'm supposed to be cleverer than that. I controlled Tigerclaw. I talked Scourge into releasing a prisoner he never intended to release. I'm supposed to be perfect." I whined back, letting the full weight of my emotions control me.

"No cat is perfect. Not even Starclan is perfect Smudgefoot. Even if you don't believe me, there's someone here to remind you of that." She answered before signaling some unseen cat.

From the tall grass emerged a dark grey tabby kit. I could feel tears dotting my eyes at the sight. How could I not recognize her. It was Mistlekit.

"I am so sorry." Was all I could muster.

The kit nuzzled up to me before speaking. "I forgive you. You tried to save me, and that's all I could ask for. You know, I loved that game you taught us, Guard. It was fun to sneak by the other kits to snag a moss ball and escape. It was fun to be the one to defend them. I can tell you, I never won that game once. Even as the loser, I still had fun and tried again. The last time we played, I came really close, but Snowkit managed to snag the last one from me. I don't hate him for it. I tried and he tried. He just happened to be better, get luckier. Mom once told me that we can't always win. It would be far less fun if we always won anyways. If you want to do anything for me, go back and beat Snowkit at a game of Guard. He's been winning far too often."

I don't know how a kit could be so wise. She said the one thing I'd been hoping to hear. She forgave me. It was a shame that I had to go. It wasn't yet a full moon, so Starclan had difficulty keeping em here. Regardless, I had a slight smile as I left. I'd grant her wish.