"Stalkers. Come on you've got to be fuc- sheesh." Seojun cut himself off at the last minute. He had to watch his language from now on; his management hadn't lied when they said it was a nasty habit- one that he couldn't afford to accidentally slip in front of his fans for that matter. Not that he was disingenuous - he honestly wanted to quit too- but at times he couldn't help it, and stalkers were just the thing to get him going.
Stalkers. That was the last thing he needed. The situation was far too complicated for his tastes, and far too complicated to handle on his own, but Suho and Jugyeong had already been dragged into this, so how could he ask them for anything more? What else were they supposed to do for him at this point?
Seojun was a celebrity, an idol. He'd grown up in near poverty and made his own way. Seojun Han was many things, but a quitter and a whiner wasn't one of them. He'd worked a million jobs, and suffered and gotten back up a million times to get to this point, he could handle it on his own, there was no other choice.
But first, he needed a drink.
"Hi, welcome to Happy Mart; we'd love to serve you!" The cashier said from behind the register. He sounded cheery enough, but he looked nearly soulless. Seojun wondered how many times he must have said those words in the last month, week, or even just today. Somehow, he felt he could sympathize.
He should have been focused on the task at hand, get a soda, stop the stalker, but he just couldn't seem to focus. He'd been so down lately, and even though he had finally talked to Jugyeong again, it wasn't exactly under ideal circumstances. Somehow, it had only made him feel more distant from her, and not just Jugyeong, either. Sometimes he still wondered if Suho had ever missed him too, their relationship had always been rocky, but, especially now that he was finally an idol, he missed the guy too, more than he cared to admit. Sure, he could be prickly and a drama queen (at least in Seojun's eyes), but they had been a part of something bigger than themselves once. An escape, a group, maybe even a family.
Even beyond those two knuckleheads, he wondered how his family must have been doing too. He was doing this almost completely for them, but he hadn't seen them in ages. With this life that he lived now, with the way things were, did he have any right to see them again, would he only be putting all of them in danger?
Seojun wandered down the aisles, picking the drink he wanted, his all-time favorite. They had been hard to find recently, probably because he'd accidentally advertised it on his livestream, so today must have been his lucky day. He smiled a little, but couldn't seem to shake the thoughts in his head.
Seojun sighed, turning around and pressing a hand to his head. "Can't even think straight. Shi-"
"Ahh!" Another voice cried out as both she and Seojun were sent barreling to the floor.
Crap. Seojun thought, resisting the urge to massage his rear end; the last thing he needed was for that to be caught on camera. He'd wandered into the nearby store as carelessly as he had been walking through the isles. Thank God he at least remembered his mask.
"I'm so sorry. I wasn't paying attention at all. Are you okay?" The young voice called out from the ground, slightly muffled by the mask on her own face.
"No, it's my fault. I should have been more careful," Seojun said, dusting himself off and extending a hand to the girl. "Are you alright?"
The girl gently took his hand, allowing him to pull her up.
"Yeah, I'm alright. I'll make an exception for you, we do have the same taste in soda after all. Besides, you are Seojun Han, aren't you?" The girl said, casually picking up both their dropped drinks from the ground.
Seojun stood agape for a moment, too shocked to even answer. Sure, he hadn't taken the most precautions, but he didn't think he'd be recognized that easily. He really didn't want to deal with this now. "N-no, I think you have the wrong guy."
"Don't worry, I won't tell. I don't even need an autograph or anything either. Just bumping into you is enough," the girl said, a shy and almost strange smile in her eyes. "I know it's super weird and cliche, but you're such an inspiration to me. Your music is so incredible, and you're so talented; you've really changed my life."
"T-thanks. I guess I'm still getting used to it." Seojun replied. The girl had pretty eyes- they weren't as light as Jugyeong's, but they were surprisingly nice in their own way, almost familiar if he looked close enough.
"Well, you should get used to it. You'll be hearing it a lot more often. Just remember," the girl said, pressing the drink into his hands. "Your special number one fan was the one who said it first."
"Um… Y-yeah, of course. Thank you again for all your support." Seojun said, gripping the drink tightly in his right hand. He was always grateful to his fans, but he really wanted to get out of here. "Anyway, goodbye. Maybe I'll see you at a performance."
"Oh, I'm certain you will." The girl said, waving goodbye. Seojun had expected her to leave as well, but instead, she just stayed there, waving, so he went first, checking out and exiting the store.
"God, were the days always this long?" Seojun said to his empty apartment, crashing on his bed the moment he got home. Of course they weren't. Not back in high school in any case. Not after he'd met her, after he'd reconnected with Suho. Things had almost felt normal back then, as if nothing had ever changed between them, but now everything had changed. Suho had left, never called, never texted, he left them, only to show up one day out of the blue. He wasn't mad, not really. He was just…
"Alone. Like always. How pathetic." He had everything he'd ever wanted, but he was still complaining, still not happy. "What's the point?" Seojun said before swinging his arm up and gulping down his drink. Too lost in his own thoughts, Seojun had missed the classic sound of opening a new drink- just one small thing that had always made him smile, one more memory from his childhood- but he didn't care, it didn't even taste as good as he remembered. Just before he could finish, Seojun got a call.
It was from Jugyeong. He was supposed to stay on the line, to stay out of trouble, but there was just no way he could. Jugyeong needed help and, as his eyes fixed on where that damn bear used to be, listened to the sound of her fighting, gasping for air, he knew he had to help. He couldn't deal with this alone, so he wouldn't let her either.
"Jugyeong!" He screamed out as soon as he saw her lying there on the ground, helpless. His heart had started racing, and he suddenly felt breathless, but he jumped in anyway. He couldn't remember much of what had happened from then on, the adrenaline pumping through his body had removed him of all sense, but before he knew it, his arm was covered in a steady stream of blood and the crazy girl (though Seojun had other words) had been dragged off with the police.
He rushed over to Jugyeong the moment the other girl was restrained, not even hesitating for the first time in months. He wrapped his arms around her, feeling her warmth, her breath, any proof he could find that she was alive and breathing, and relaxed a little bit into her arms, heart still racing.
"I'm so glad you're okay." Seojun uttered between breaths.
"Me? What about you? You're bleeding!" Jugyeong said, trying to pull away slightly.
"I'll be fine, it's just… I'm sorry. I'm sorry, and I know you, Jugyeong; you don't have to pretend. I… I'm so sorry." In retrospect, he could see it all along. She'd been hiding from him, her pain, her fear, everything. He'd known, somewhere deep down he'd known, but he had been too afraid, too caught up. Now, things would be different. Even if they never got back together, they'd be different.
"Seojun… I was so scared." Jugyeong said, leaning into him just a little bit, allowing him to hold her as she cried. If Seojun's heart had been any slower- or his head any clearer- he might have done so too.
"Seojun! Jugyeong!" Seojun heard a familiar voice call out, turning to see Suho running toward them, bathed in red and blue light.
"Take care of her for a second, I'll handle them." Seojun said, gently passing Jugyeong into Suho's arms.
When they'd finally finished restraining the crazy girl properly and sent her off, Seojun assured the remaining officers that he could take care of the cut, it didn't even hurt, or that he'd get himself to a hospital, and Jugyeong, having calmed down a little, told them the same.
"I guess it's over, huh? Sorry I couldn't get here sooner." Suho said, keeping close to Jugyeong, but looking down in shame.
"You got here right when you needed to. You picked up, that's all that matters." Seojun said, he had barely managed to call Suho while rushing out.
"...I'm glad you're both okay." Suho said, turning to leave without another word.
Jugyeong rushed after him, but he brushed her off, giving her an odd sort of smile that had her frozen in her tracks. Seojun, on the other hand, just stood there, staring. He was vaguely aware of Jugyeong by his side saying something, likely to stop Suho, but he wasn't even sure when she'd gotten there. All of the sudden, he wasn't quite sure of anything as he felt the pounding of his heart, even in his head. It was so loud, and he couldn't quite make out her words.
Still, he could tell she needed his help, and he wanted to call out to Suho just as much, but his tongue suddenly felt heavy in his mouth and his vision couldn't seem to focus. Suho was nothing but a blurry pink blob in the distance- though Seojun swore he hadn't walked that far- but he decided to go after him anyway. Seojun took just one step forward before losing his balance and nearly tripping on the row of bricks that lined the little garden outside his apartment building. Luckily, he was barely caught by Jugyeong, who was looking much more concerned.
She called out to someone, maybe Suho- even she was too blurry now- before calling out Seojun's own name, at least he could recognize that. The pink blob got a little bigger, but Seojun couldn't hold out anymore. He'd gone from breathing too fast to feeling like he couldn't get air at all.
"... Wait… be back," Was all Seojun caught before Jugyeong ran ahead, likely trying to get Suho; but as the world spun around him, Seojun really wished she hadn't gone.
He heard a different voice call out his name, Suho's features almost coming into view as he fell over, strings cut slow and agonizing, one at a time. He reached out his hand toward Suho's running figure, but it was too late. He felt a sharp pain in his arm that he couldn't react to and a dull thud to his head which somehow seemed to clear up some of his hearing, or maybe the voices had just gotten louder.
The back of his head suddenly went cold as warm hands attempted to lift him up, the voice calling his name before stopping suddenly and pulling his hands away. The quickly darkening world was suddenly tinted with red in what was left of his vision.
"Jugyeong… call..." That was all Seojun could clearly make out as he faded into the darkness.
The last thing he felt was something warm falling and splashing onto his face. It was like the warmth in the back of his head and his arm, only different somehow. Sadder.
Something wasn't right.
The moment he gained some awareness, Seojun knew that something wasn't right. His arm was alight with pain, wherever he was laying on top of was warm and wet right around it, and he was shaking. Not trembling, not cold, shaking, and he couldn't stop. His whole body ached, but he still couldn't bring himself to open his eyes, he felt so heavy and yet he couldn't stop from moving. There were voiced all around him, yelling, and hands moving their way across his body, strong grips holding him. He was turned on his side at some point, but it must have been the left since it didn't hurt much.
He wasn't sure how long it went on, but at some point he stopped completely, an overwhelming pain settling in his chest before disappearing entirely.
He thought he heard someone crying. He wished he had the strength to ask what was wrong.
Awareness came much more slowly this time. It was the twitch of a finger or a muscle in his face, the sharp but steady beeping sound that pierced his ears, but he couldn't pinpoint where it was, nor could he open his eyes quite yet. He was tired, so, so tired, and even worse, he probably had more practice tomorrow. Great.
With a groggy internal sigh, Seojun shifted, roughly turning over onto his right shoulder, his preferred sleeping position, before sitting up in a flash as pain overtook him yet again. Somehow his eyes remained shut and he could already feel himself shutting down again, but the adrenaline was enough to allow him to stay sitting and reach his left arm across his shoulder, face screwed up in pain.
There were bandages there, but that didn't make sense, none of this did. Come to think of it, he couldn't even remember where he was, how he'd gotten here. As his breaths came quicker, he became aware of the object tightened on his face, the cord laying across his body, and the dozens of… things that seemed to be stuck to his skin. Even his head had something tight around it, but he couldn't remember. He racked his brain, trying desperately to think, to push through all the fog, but he couldn't, and the adrenaline was wearing off fast as he once again began to forget.
What was it he had been worried about? He still had a death grip on his shoulder, but what for? Seojun could feel himself falling back and forth, with no control over his heavy body. His head tipped back, and the rest of him followed. He would have crashed into the surface behind him, if someone hadn't rushed to his side, catching him and lowering him gently.
"You're always so aggressive. But I guess that's saved me more than once, huh?" A voice called out from the side, it was calm and gentle, muffled, but there was a rare shake to it too. The tone was familiar. "Just lay back and get some rest, you jerk, and stop scaring me while you're at it. I know you want to see him, I do too, but you can't go. I won't let you leave me behind."
The voice's owner grabbed Seojun's left arm attempting to pry it from its place on his shoulder, but Seojun's grip only seemed to get stronger somehow. This pain seemed to be his last line to the real world, he wouldn't lose it no matter what. The voice beside him may have trembled, but he was scared too. Scared to let go, scared to sleep again, scared of what he would find when he opened his eyes, but how could he communicate all that to the person beside him? He didn't even know who it was.
But still, he didn't want them to go.
The voice's owner gasped before laughing humorlessly. "Hey, I'm here, I won't leave this time. I promise."
Seojun felt a soft touch on his face as the voice's owner wiped something away before brushing his bangs to the side, placing another warm something on his forehead. It was comforting in a way few things were to Seojun, and before he knew it he felt his whole body relaxing. "There you go, dummy," The voice said, moving Seojun's arm back across his body, both hands resting in his lap. "Look at you, I always knew you were a princess somewhere in there. So demanding..."
All the while the voice quaked, worse than it ever had, before trailing off and breaking entirely. "You're going to be okay… you have to be okay..." Seojun heard the voice's muffled sobs beside him, slowly fading out of existence as he did the same.
If he listened closely, he could still hear the shrill beep, and if he really focused, it almost sounded like a song.
He probably had practice tomorrow.
Seojun knew the drill by now. He couldn't remember much, anything really, but he already knew that. Only this time… this time was different. His eyes didn't feel quite so much like lead, there was no tightness around his face, and the throb of his shoulder was delicate, almost keeping some sort of rhythm, but not what he vaguely recalled feeling just the other night. Though he still wasn't convinced that wasn't a dream. Aside from that, he could hear a voice next to him, could finally almost make it out clearly if he focused on it and ignored all the other sounds of the room.
"You know, Seyeon always said you were like a cat, grumpy and mean, but soft too. Sometimes I really didn't get that kid. I never saw it, but, looking at you now, I realized you're just like I remember, and yet something is still so different. I mean, when was the last time I saw that look on your face? Innocent and vulnerable, nothing to hide, not even your pain. Had we ever seen it at all?" The voice paused, breathing unevenly as it's owner grabbed Seojun's hand. He still couldn't quite open his eyes, but Seojun knew then who the voice belonged to. "I should've been there. No matter when or what I should've been there for you, but I always end up running away. I'm here now, and I swear I'm not going anywhere. This time, it's you who needs to come back. Kick, yell, scream, whatever it is… just open your eyes. Come back. I can't lose you too."
"Not... your fault." Seojun managed to squeak out, the words scraping across his dry throat. "Should've been… a better friend."
"Seojun..." The voice whispered, it was so delicate, so full of fear.
"Yeah… loser." Despite everything, Seojun smiled, pulling his eyes open as far as they would go, and meeting those of his best friend.
"You were awake the whole time, weren't you, jerk?" Suho replied, wiping his sleeve across his face.
"You sound… like… a sis-" Seojun stopped suddenly. Across from him, Suho had bowed his head away, his whole body shaking. Seojun slowly lifted his arm, pushing past the pain and allowing it to find a place on his friends head. "You did good."
Now that he was finally awake, Seojun was still pretty out of it and, judging by Suho's reactions, at least half of what he said still didn't make any sense. Day by day, however, he was getting better, and with Suho by his side, things were at least never boring.
"Your food sucks. I'll bet they even fed you better at the agency." Suho laughed from his bedside a few days after.
"I'll have you know I work for a nice company, but if you want to come over here I'll gladly take yours." Seojun replied, trying not to look sadly at the meal in front of him.
"No way. After the way you threw up all over the place last time, I won't trust you with solids for the rest of your life."
"It was one time! Besides, I'm hospitalized but I think we've still showered the same number of times."
"What does that have to do with anything?! I've been nursing you the whole time, you could at least show some gratitude!"
Seojun burst out laughing, and it wasn't long before Suho did too. The last few days had been surprisingly nice. Turns out there was something about hospitals and freak accidents that had a way of bringing the boys together, Seojun hoped it would last- he was getting discharged today.
He was happy, happier than he'd been in a long time, and yet, there was still something weighing him down. The doctors told him he'd been drugged. He didn't know how or when, and he certainly didn't remember anything after, but at some point he was drugged, injured, and had passed out before being brought to the hospital. He could barely remember anything from the last couple weeks, and no one would tell him what had happened. Least of all Suho.
"Seojun, you okay?" Suho asked suddenly, breaking Seojun from his daze. "Are you worried about your discharge?"
"You kidding? Between the free food, the ambiance, and the company, I don't ever want to leave." Seojun joked, but Suho didn't seem to take it that way, giving him an odd look that had become all too common, as if he was about to disappear any second. Seojun couldn't stand it. "Can you give me a minute, I'm gonna get changed. I can do that on my own." Seojun added, seeing that look deepen on Suho's face.
He wasn't lying, he really didn't want to leave. He couldn't remember what it was, but he felt uneasy about going back home, about being alone, but he couldn't tell Suho that, he couldn't even pinpoint why he felt that way.
"Okay. Just call if you need me." Suho replied, hesitantly walking out.
Seojun breathed out, looking back to the hospital bed behind him. He could still imagine himself laying there, Suho crying on the side, it gave him chills just to think about.
"Hey, I'm done." Seojun called out to his friend, who was no doubt right on the other side of the curtain anyway. He turned to open it up, but found himself leaning on it instead, almost pulling it down as a pain shot through his head. He could hear voices all around. Suho, some girl, Jugyeong, they were calling his name, they were screaming out. Seojun, Seojun, Seojun-
"Seojun! Seojun!" Suho's voice, his real voice, came through, and Seojun snapped his head toward him, panting hard. "Hey, hey, breathe. Just breathe."
"Suho… Suho, I remembered something." Seojun whispered, leaning on his friend.
"What? What is it?"
"You… You kissed me on the forehead, didn't you, you freak!"
"What?! No! Gross!" Suho shouted, blush immediately rising to his cheeks.
"Are you kidding me? You totally did!"
"I used to do it to Seyeon sometimes- I- I'm technically older than you! That's the last time I try to be nice to you!" Suho yelled, dropping Seojun where he stood- proof that that he'd been successfully diverted from his worry. "Come on, let's just go."
Just like that, the two were laughing again- well, Seojun was laughing and Suho was moping. Seojun was sure there was nothing to worry about, and he could handle it if there was.
It was night by the time Seojun finally got back to his apartment, Suho had managed to drag him out for a meal after asking for a week. It had taken an insane amount of makeup to make himself even half presentable, but he knew he couldn't say no again. Suho had insisted on staying over, just like he had done over text everyday for almost the past two weeks since Seojun had left the hospital, but Seojun had, more or less, politely denied. It was only when Suho kept insisting- even trying to negotiate just walking him there- that Seojun had told him that it would be Suho in the hospital next if he didn't go home.
Now he was standing in front of his apartment door, feeling as if it wasn't his at all. As if he hadn't been living here for weeks already. His hand was hovering just above the keypad, though the numbers were a little blurry to his tired eyes. He knew the code, so it should have been easy, but instead he just stood there, afraid.
"Oh, Seojunnie, don't tell me you've forgotten your password already?" An old, shrunken woman said, making her way down the hall.
"No, of course not ma'am," Seojun said, bowing to his landlady. "I'm just-"
"Oh, you don't have to tell me, I understand. A young man like yourself doesn't want to be entering an apartment all alone these days." She said. For an older woman, she had quite the mind and she was particularly fond of Seojun. "Face like yours, I'm sure you'll find someone soon. I was quite the looker in my day too, you know?"
The anxious feeling in his stomach settled a little as Seojun smiled at the old woman. "You got me, but you're certainly quite the looker now, grandmother," Seojun said, giving her a peck on the cheek. "Your husband was a very lucky man."
"Oh, such a nice boy. You remind me of my grandson. If only he were here, he might have been a singer like you," The woman said, reaching up to pat Seojun's head (he had to bend down). "Take some dinner while you're at it; you're too skinny!" She said, shoving a small container into his hands.
"Of course. Thank you, grandmother. You're too kind." Seojun said, bowing again. He watched her go before turning into his own apartment.
His apartment had been broken into, he remembered that now. The details were fuzzy, but he'd begun to remember at the hospital, and it certainly explained why he felt compelled to check the locks on every door and window, why he couldn't seem to just sit down and relax for even a moment. How many times had he come here after a long day, crashed on his bed or the couch and felt safe, satisfied after a long day of work, even just for a little bit?
"Shi- agh!" The words wouldn't even come out as Seojun dropped the small container straight in the fridge, right next to all the others. Suho knew that Seojun knew about the incident- especially since it was all over the news- but Seojun couldn't bring himself to admit just how much it haunted him, that he didn't just remember the incident, he couldn't forget a single detail.
"Suho..." Seojun whispered with annoyance as he felt his phone vibrating once again.
"Hey, you left your leftovers in my car. You barely ate." Suho had texted, sounding just as dry there as he did in real-life.
"Wasn't hungry. And I could see you eyeing it the whole time. You ruined my appetite, pig-ho." Seojun mindlessly typed back before throwing his phone to the side counter and walking towards his bathroom sink.
Seojun turned on the water, letting it get as hot as he dared before rinsing his face. It didn't help much, but at least he felt a little more awake, or at the very least he didn't feel like passing out. He raised his head, reaching for a towel to dry off his face, and looked into the mirror, whipping around immediately.
"Who's there!?" He yelled.
He swore he saw something, saw her. The image was all too familiar, he'd seen it on social media, outside of his own home, even… even dreadfully reflected in the girl he still loved. She was there, she'd been behind him, he was sure of it.
His heart was racing, his breathing picked up, he could already feel the sweat beading across his face. He should've gone and checked, should've called someone, but his feet were glued to the floor, and his legs were trembling, too weak to even take a step.
All of the sudden, his phone rang, pulling his feet from the floor and making him jump. He thought it might have been Suho again, but he didn't bother to pick up. He didn't want to deal with Suho right now, and he was certainly in no condition to do so.
"You've got to be kidding me..." What was he getting all worked up for, that girl- Eunhye, he'd been told she was called- had been arrested. There was no way she could be here, and definitely no way she could have disappeared in the time it took him to turn around. Still, that didn't stop him from looking across the whole apartment before going to bed, not that he'd slept anything all week.
Everytime he closed his eyes, he saw it: Jugyeong on the ground, blood dripping down his arm, Eunhye's face as she professed her dying love for him; he couldn't stand it. The few times he had dozed off, well, those were the times that he remembered.
Regardless, he'd still stuck to something of a normal schedule, which told him that, even if he didn't sleep anything, he should at least be in bed. He moved into his room, eyes immediately drifting to the little shelf where he'd kept all his fans' gifts. The shelf was empty now, everything left had been thrown down to the floor after the first night he'd been here. Afterward they'd been ripped and torn to pieces, just to be sure.
For all his worries, Seojun had always been sure of one thing: he loves singing with his whole heart. But he hadn't sung again since that day. Not in the shower, not humming catchy jingles, nothing. Something within him had broken that day, and things just hadn't been the same since.
Seojun turned his gaze from the shelf to his bed, laying down there, staring at the ceiling, attempting to stop his eyes from drooping too far down.
When he finally got frustrated enough, he got up and grabbed his phone, seeing the "Missed Call" notification screaming up at him. They were all from Suho. He'd honestly forgotten about that. He wondered if it was too late to call him back.
The line barely even rang once by the time Suho picked up.
"I just saw your call, 'mom,' I was in the shower. I'm surprised you picked up." Seojun said, keeping his down as even as possible.
"I'll always pick up, you know that," Suho said, an odd moment of silence following after. "What are you doing up this late?"
"I could ask you the same. Doesn't the prince need his sleep?"
"Seojun, I'm being serious. You don't sound good, and you didn't look too hot today either. Have you been sleeping and eating well? Taking your medicines?" Suho said, somehow sounding even more worried than before.
"Dude, it's me you're talking to. I can take care of myself." Seojun said, unconsciously rubbing his shoulder. "My skin's so pale that the scar doesn't even show by now. It's all over."
"That's just it. It's not over, trust me, I know what that's like. You know what happened before you passed out, right? There's no way you just get over that."
"Are you kidding, I'm practically a star now, sure it may have escalated, but that was just proof of that. I'm fine, Suho; hell, I'd be asleep if it weren't for you." He didn't even recognize the words coming out of his mouth anymore. He was afraid, shaking in his own bed, he didn't recognize himself anymore
"... I was trying to give you space to figure things out, but I was wrong. Lately it seems like I'm always messing things like this up." Suho said barely loud enough to be heard.
"Yeah, seems like it." He didn't mean it, he really didn't, but there was just always something there, separating him from the people he cared about the most. Why was it so hard to ask for their help, to be honest about how he felt?
There was a long silence between them, and Seojun knew he'd crossed the line. He moved to hang up when he suddenly heard Suho's voice.
"You had a seizure... I'm up because you had a seizure the first night. I must have dozed off that night, I thought it would be okay- I… It was so small at first, just a twitch, I almost thought it was normal, but before I knew it you were practically jumping off the bed and your wound had completely opened up." Suho's voice sounded like glass across the line, delicate and transparently afraid. "To make matters worse, it was this time that day that I heard it… the moment your heart stopped beating. I'd already been rushed out of the room, but I could hear it, see it, so clearly. The worry every night that it would happen again, the marks left on your face by the oxygen mask. Don't you get it? I'm up because I care about you, because I'm worried, because I can't stop thinking about you… thinking that- that you're gonna disappear too."
"Suho, I…" Seojun paused, taking a depth breath and pushing past the shame he felt and the pain in his chest. "Look, come over if it'll make you feel better, but I'll probably be asleep by then, so you'll have to let yourself in." Seojun said, thickly, tears stinging in his eyes.
"Sure thing. I'll be there soon." Suho said. He really had no idea what to say to that, he hadn't known, but Seojun hoped that Suho could still feel his gratitude.
"Suho," he said, feeling that he was finally about to succumb to his exhaustion. "Please, don't hang up- for your sake that is," he added.
"I'll be there soon," was all Suho said before going quiet.
Seojun let his eyes slip closed, lulled by the noise of Suho gently rummaging around in the background.
The night was dark, so much so that Seojun couldn't see anything in front of him. He spun around a few times, before trying to call out, but no sound came out of his mouth. Panic rose in his chest. He was a singer, but he couldn't seem to make a sound, and worse than that he was alone again.
Always alone.
In the near distance, a spotlight suddenly shone, causing Seojun to flinch as his eyesight adjusted to the light. On the ground, Jugyeong was lying there, another girl's body hovering over her.
She was hurting Jugyeong, Seojun realized with a start. He tried to move toward Jugyeong, but his feet were stuck in place, forcing him to watch as life slowly drained out of the girl he loved. Tears rolled down his face, but still no sound arose from him.
In the distance, he heard some mumbling. He turned his head toward the sound as much as he could, but he couldn't quite make it out. When he looked back to Jugyeong, the girl who had hurt her was gone. Seojun whipped his head around, desperately trying to see where she had gone, when she suddenly appeared in the corner of his vision, tackling him to the ground.
He saw her hand moving toward him, and managed to catch her arm just in time to stop her from cutting into his arm. She was stronger than she looked, stronger than him. Seojun turned his head to the side, trying to find Jugyeong again, but, instead, in the spotlight, Suho was there.
Seojun tried to call out for him, to beg him for help, but Suho just shook his head disapprovingly. "You should have died with Seyeon. After all… it's your fault he died."
Seojun's went wide. No… that wasn't true, it couldn't be. Somehow, even more tears streamed down his face, as his lost his strength, feeling as the girl overpowered him, plunging a weapon right into his right shoulder. He kicked his legs and failed his left arm, but he couldn't remove her.
This time, he made a sound.
Sejun heard himself scream before he even made contact with the floor, feeling a searing pain in his shoulder before landing right on it. Technically, he had been fully healed for weeks, but the pain caused him to cry out in agony anyway.
Shades of reality had come back to him, but not enough to stop him from failing, still trying to fight off the assailant from his dreams. He could hear her voice in his head. She was his "number one fan." His music had "changed her life," and she had certainly changed his.
He only fought harder as he felt someone trying to grab his arms and restrain him. He was in danger, someone had come to hurt him, which meant they must have already hurt someone he loved.
In the chaos, Seojun felt his hand- now balled into a fist- connect with something, as he screamed incoherent jumbled warning the figure to get off him while simultaneously- and pathetically- whimpering out a desire not to be hurt.
"Seojun- Seojun please stop! You're gonna hurt yourself! Seojun, it's me!" Suho's voice finally cut through the panic, not stopping Seojun completely, but slowing him down just enough so the figure- Suho- could grab his arms, pinning them down and straddling Seojun, panting for breath.
Seojun continued to wriggle slightly, but his body felt heavy and numb, so, after a moment, he gave up, tears continued to silently stream from his eyes as he slowly fully awoke.
The two boys stayed like that for a moment, Suho seemingly waiting to make sure Seojun had fully stopped.
After a moment, the pressure on his arms lifted as Suho released him, placing a hand on his forehead instead.
"You're burning up," Suho said, voice full of pointed disappointment. Seojun couldn't bring himself to speak as Suho studied him, likely noting every gaunt and sunken feature and every bone that stuck out more than usual for his already slender frame. After a moment, Suho spoke, tone rising as he pulled out a full bottle of pills, shaking it for effect. "Why are you lying to me?"
Seojun felt shame rise in his stomach. He wanted to explain everything- and he had every intention of doing so- but then he saw Suho's face. More specifically, the bright red patch on his jaw that would no doubt turn purple given more time. Clarity came to his mind as Seojun realized what had happened.
He had hit him. He hurt Suho. That was exactly what he had been trying to avoid all this time. The last thing he wanted was for his friends to get hurt because of his problems, but now he had hurt one of them with his own hands.
"I just forgot, that's all," Seojun heard himself say.
"Gosh… you must think I'm stupid, huh?" Suho asked. "Look at yourself. Look at what just happened."
"It was just a stupid dream. I'm fine," Seojun replied more harshly than he meant. He moved his arms to push himself up, ignoring the pain in his shoulder, but Suho didn't move. "Get off me."
Suho scoffed, looking away in disbelief before turning back to Seojun and pushing down on his chest, forcing him to lie flat again before grabbing hold of his arms once more. "Make me."
Steeling his gaze, Seojun attempted to rise to his friend's challenge, grabbing Suho's arm in an attempt to move it, but he couldn't muster the strength to even weaken Suho's grip. To make matters worse, he could feel another wave of tears trying to pierce through his eyes.
"You couldn't even knock over a blade of grass right now," Suho muttered under his breath before raising his voice again. "Haven't you learned anything? Your father, Seyeon, even me; you don't carry burdens alone! Ever!"
"Why do you even care?! I've always been on my own. I can handle myself!"
"No, you can't! And I've lost you too many times because I convinced myself that you could!" Once again, Suho let go of Seojun's arms. Tears of his own were shining in his eyes. "I know that I've screwed up so many times, but I've learned my lesson: I won't leave you alone again. Call me, and I'll answer; need me, and I'll be there. So, please, let me in. Just talk to me."
Seojun shut his eyes as tightly as he could, moving his left arm up to cover his eyes as tears finally poured out of them.
"I'm sorry… please… please forgive me," Seojun sobbed, the steady pulse in his shoulder acting as a reminder of all he had been through. "I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't stay here, but I can't leave, I see her face and hear her voice everywhere, it's all suffering. It's been weeks, but I'm still so scared, and it hurts. Suho, why does it still hurt?"
In one swift motion, Suho finally removed himself from Seojun, pulling him closely into a tight hug instead, mindful of his right shoulder.
Seojun, for his part, didn't even attempt to fight off his friend, instead just tightly holding onto handfuls of Suho's shirt and sobbing freely.
"I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve any of this," Suho whispered, rubbing Seojun's back as he continued to whisper comforting words to him. "It's gonna be okay. We'll make it through this."
The two boys stayed like that for some time until Seojun's sobs finally subsided, leaving him completely still and silent. Worry rose in Suho for a moment, but it quickly disappeared when he realized that Seojun had simply fallen asleep, exhaustion finally having set in.
With a small smile, Suho carefully moved his friend, easily picking him up- he really had lost too much weight- and moving him to his bed. Suho sat on the edge of the bed, lightly pulling Seojun's shirt sleeve aside to reveal the light scar that had formed where his wound once was. In his mind, Suho saw flashes of what it had been before, remembering how blood had stained his hands as he attempted to help Seojun while paramedics came to get him. Shaking the image from his mind, Suho switched his target, studying his friend's face instead. His eyes were puffy and red, the dried tracks of his tears leading away from them, highlighting his dark circles and the sharp angle of his sunken face. Suho brushed his bangs aside, feeling again just how hot his friend was.
Slowly, Suho moved away from the bed, trying not to wake his finally sleeping friend. It didn't seem to work, however, as he felt tension in his shirt when he tried to pull away.
"Don't go," Seojun uttered sleepily. His eyes were barely open, but the grip he had on Suho's shirt was ironclad.
"Seojun, you need medicine for your fever," Suho whispered, attempting to gently pry Seojun's hand away. "I'll be right back."
Seojun shook his head messily, seemingly lacking full control over his body. Still, he managed to wrench his eyes open for just a moment. "Please… don't go."
Suho could tell that Seojun was fighting sleep, his eyes betraying the full extent of his anxiety and fear. Suho pursed his lips, debating what he should do.
"Fine," he finally relented, causing Seojun to release him. Moving to the other side of the bed, Suho pulled the covers open and slid in. Looking slightly off to the side out of embarrassment, he opened his arms and waved his hands toward himself. "Come here."
A slight confusion passed over Seojun's tired face- eliciting a small laugh from Suho- but he obeyed, moving closer and burying his head in Suho's chest. Without another word, his breathing evened out. Suho wrapped his arms around his friend, suddenly feeling sleep calling him for the first time in weeks.
Seojun awoke in a sweat, but not the cold sweat he had often found himself in recently. Instead, it was the kind that told him that at some point during the night his fever had broken. Although, the towel that fell from his forehead as he sat up confirmed that the night's events had not been a fever dream. For better or worse, Suho really had come to his apartment and Seojun really had cried no less than three times throughout the duration of the night.
"Ugh…" he groaned, head pounding slightly. He knew Suho wouldn't let the fact that they had slept together go anytime soon. Seojun felt a sharp twinge as he realized that Suho was no longer in the room. Jumping from the bed faster than he should have, Seojun raced out of the bedroom, looking in the bathroom and the closet before stumbling upon his friend in the kitchen, cooking as if nothing had happened.
"You're up," Suho said, surprised.
Despite feeling embarrassed moments ago, Seojun all but tackled Suho with a hug, relief flooding his body.
Suho was slightly taken aback, but lifted his own arms up. "Sorry. I tried waiting for you to wake up, but I got hungry. Then I realized you have almost no food and even less medicine."
"It's fine," Seojun said, pulling away and trying to hide his face. "Smells good," he said, even though he wasn't really hungry, awkwardly attempting to change the subject.
Suho thanked him before instructing him to sit and placing a plate of food in front of him. Despite having barely eaten anything since he left the hospital, the sight of food made Seojun's stomach turn and his heart beat faster. It didn't even make any sense. After all, Suho had cooked it himself. Suho, someone Seojun trusted with his life when it came down to it, someone who would never hurt him.
It was stupid, and it made no sense, but even as Seojun tried to pick up the fork to eat, he found his hands shaking.
"Don't force yourself," Suho said casually before picking up his own fork and taking a bite out of the food. "But it's pretty damn good."
Seojun stared at his friend for a moment, eyes wide as he slowly relaxed enough for his stomach to finally growl. Suddenly, he was starving. More quickly than he should have, Seojun got to work, devouring the meal in front of him.
"Good?" Suho asked, contenting himself with the muffled sound of affirmation Seojun made with his mouth full.
"Come live with me."
Seojun's head snapped up at the sudden declaration, barely managing to swallow the bite in his mouth. "What?!"
"I live in a good building, with lot's of security, or we can find somewhere new," Suho said simply.
"No way. That's going to be a huge pain for everyone involved, and it'll only put you at risk," Seojun replied firmly.
"Maybe. But you wouldn't have to be alone anymore, and I think… that's what Seyeon would want," Suho said, sentiment matching Seojun's determination to say no.
Seojun studied his friend. There was a light mark on his face where he'd been hit, but it wasn't as bad as Seojun had thought it would be. Likely, it wouldn't leave any permenant change at all. More importantly, there was an odd smile on Suho's face that didn't quite reach his eyes, one that made Seojun think that maybe- just maybe- Suho was doing this for his own sake as much as Seojun's.
Part of him still told him to say no, that he could figure things out on his own, that saying no and continuing to try and live as if nothing had changed was a form of strength and resistance, while saying yes was a sign of weakness.
Seojun told that part of him to shut up.
"I think… I'd like that too."