The first time Padmé met Darth Vader, it was cold. That was the first thing she noticed – she shivered in the thin nightgown she was wearing. The wind tugged at her hair and clothes. Her arms wrapped around herself, she stumbled barefoot over the snowy floor. She did not know where she was going, but she did not question it either.
It was dark, too. Nighttime, only the stars illuminating this cold planet she was currently on. In the distance, she noticed a light – a flickering one. A fire?
She hurried towards the source. Her entire body felt cold and painful. As she came closer, she forgot the cold when she noticed the dark figure standing near the fire. He did not look at the flames, but instead seemed lost in thought.
Without thinking, she now walked towards him. She noticed he wore a dark mask that covered his entire face. A cape was draped from his shoulders almost towards the floor.
He noticed her.
'Hello,' she said. 'I am really cold.' Her voice sounded weak, overpowered by the strong wind.
The man – she was sure it was a man – looked at her.
'Could you help me, please? I need help.'
'Padmé?' he asked her.
It did not surprise her the man knew her name. 'That is my name,' she said. 'Can you help me?'
He did seem familiar. She frowned as she tried to put the pieces together, but without success. The man moved towards her, one hand outstretched as if he wanted to touch her, but he dropped it and just stood still.
'You can't be,' he said. 'You are dead.'
For some reason, that amuses her. 'Not yet.'
This time he did touch her; his outstretched hand hesitated before he touched her cheek ever so carefully. He gasped. 'You are real.'
She frowned. This man… she knew him. She knew who he was. He was the reason she was here.
'Anakin?' she said.
The man said nothing.
'It is you,' she said, relieved. 'Let us get of here, I am so cold.' She wanted to grab his hand, but he pulled back.
'I am not Anakin,' he said, but she rolled her eyes. She was a hundred percent sure this man was Anakin, she could feel it.
'I killed you,' he said.
It was the first time why she wondered about his weird choice of clothing. Her brain seemed to work more slowly than usual.
'Don't be silly, Anakin,' she said. This was not the right time for jokes. She grabbed his hand again and, this time, he did not pull away. His hand felt ice cold against her own.
'You're not real,' he said. 'I killed you. I saw you – you were dead.'
She reached for his mask. He backed away from her.
'Anakin – I need to see you,' she said.
He shook his head, turned away from her.
'Anakin?'
'I don't want you to see me like this,' he said. 'I don't want you to remember me…' He turned at her again. 'How are you alive?'
She did not respond. Instead, she again reached for his mask. 'I need to see you.'
He did not protest. Instead, she lifted the mask from his face to reveal a scarred face that did not resemble the man she loved.
But she still knew it was him. She touched his cheek. 'Anakin,' she said. 'My love – what happened to you?'
The visions came out of nowhere. She did not see Anakin, she was Anakin – as she looked at her own death in childbirth, as she killed Windu and pledged herself to emperor Palpatine, as she fought and lost from Obi-Wan and turned into Darth Vader. The last thing was an agonizing scream that left her lips as she realised that everything, everything she cared for was dead – by her hands.
Padmé woke up gasping for air. It seemed as if the oxygen did not reach her. She clawed at her own neck. If she had been last panicked, she would have noticed her racing heartbeat under her fingertips.
'What are you doing?' a sleepy voice asked her. When she did not respond, Anakin woke up, nothing drowsy about him anymore. He grabbed her wrists. 'What's wrong?' he asked. 'Padmé?'
When she didn't respond, he wrapped his arms around her and scooped her up. She buried her face in his chest.
'It's okay,' he told her. 'You'll be okay.'
The light flicked on.
He sat her down on the couch, kneeling before her. He looked worried as he brushed her hair out of her face. His hands felt cool.
'How can I help you?' he asked her. 'Do you need help?'
She shook her head. He sat next to her, stroked her back. She put her head on his shoulder and felt herself calming, if only slightly. She could still feel the horror in her veins, the memories of a terrible future making her sick with regret, sadness and anger.
Anakin did not say anything, but she felt some of her fear subside by just looking at him. He smiled, hesitantly, as he took her hand.
'I'm fine,' she managed to say. Her breathing had calmed down enough for her to try to stand up.
'Hey, take it easy,' he said.
'I am fine.'
Her memories, his memories – his future. It felt as if some puzzle pieces fell into place. She knew he had befriended Palpatine – a Sith lord – but not how close they had become. And she had known that he never felt truly found the sense of family with the Jedi, but she had never realised just how alone he had been.
He had stood up as well, reaching for her hand. 'Do you want to talk about it?'
She turned back and tried to smile, tried to hide the worry from her face. 'I am fine,' she told me. 'Just a nightmare.'
He studied her face. 'I have never seen you so upset.'
'It was a very upsetting nightmare.'
He stroked her back. 'What happened?'
She realised that she had already decided not to tell him. She could not tell him – he would not believe her. She was sure of that, because if the roles had been reversed, she would also have denied the possibility of Anakin turning… away from her. To the dark side.
He was still waiting for an answer.
'It was about you,' she said, in order to win some time. 'Something terrible happened. It was just…. Terrible.' She tried to smile, but did not succeed. 'I guess I am just so worried about you all the time.'
She saw the relief on his face. 'Don't worry about me. I know what I am doing.'
'I believe that,' she said.
He leaned into her, their foreheads touching. 'But I am still worried about you. When you're gone – if something were to happen to you…'
'I promise I am careful,' he said softly.
'For some reason, I find the difficult to believe,' she said, some humour entering her voice for the first time. 'I have heard the stories.'
'Obi-Wan,' Anakin said, pretended to be annoyed. He leaned back. 'I will have a little talk with him.'
She had to laugh at his mock-angry tone. 'Do that,' she told him.
He stroked her hair again. 'Do you want to drink something? To calm down before we go back to bed?'
She wanted to say yes, wanted to spend more time with the real Anakin to push out her memories of the man he would become. The man he would become after her death, after accidentally killing her as he believed she was in love with Obi-Wan. She again remembered the immense anger, sadness but, above all, loneliness.
'Just a few minutes,' she said. 'You should go back to bed. You have to wake up early.'
'I'll survive,' he said. 'Red or white?'
'I – what?'
'Red or white wine?' he asked. 'Or just some water?'
She smiled. 'Water, please.'
A few minutes they sat side by side, comfortable on the couch in their living room. She did not want to stand up, but eventually she finished her water and suggested to get back to sleep.
He kissed her forehead. 'You sure you're okay?' he said.
'It was just a dream,' she lied.
Did she imagine it, or did something flash across his face? Could he feel that she was lying through the Force, or was she still upset and imagining things?
'Wake me up if you have another bad dream,' he told her.
'I will,' she said. 'Thank you.' It was silent for a couple of seconds, before he helped her off the couch. 'Sleep well then,' he said. 'With lovely dreams.'
'About what?' she said lightly.
His gaze drifted off. 'About us,' he said. 'About a beautiful holiday we're going to plan. Soon.'
'Where?'
'Wherever you want.'
She tried to imagine the two of them, no need to hide their relation. A place where nobody would recognize them. 'Perhaps a cabin in the woods,' she told him. 'Near a lake. We could make daytrips to villages, and have hikes and picknicks near the water.'
He nodded as he listened, a growing smile on his face. 'It sounds wonderful,' he told him. 'But just because you're there.'
They grinned at his cheesy comment, before Padmé kissed his cheek and started walking to the bedroom. With her back turned towards him, her smiled disappeared as the memories of the vision overtook her.
She could not fall asleep that night. She heard Anakin snoring softly next to her and was grateful for his calm sleep, but it did not take away her own worries about the future.
However, there was one upside about the situation, she thought. The future was not set in stone. And Anakin, the disastrous decisions he would make, were not made out of malice. At least not at first.
As the light softly shone through the curtains and Anakin woke, asking her if she had been awake all night, she answered truthfully.
'We'll make it an early night then,' he said.
'I'll try to sleep now,' she told him.
She had no time to lose.