Chapter Ten
"Ty Lee." Azula said, trying to keep the eagerness out of her voice, trying to keep herself cool and calm, to not give away how anxious she had felt after Ty Lee left, especially with the way Ty Lee exploded at her when she did.
"Azula." Ty Lee said, kissing Azula lightly on the lips.
"We need to talk." Ty Lee said. Azula tensed.
"You're breaking up with me, aren't you?" Azula asked. Ty Lee sighed, making some tea for them and sitting down with Azula.
"No. I'm not. But we need to have a talk about what happened. Hopefully so it doesn't happen again." Ty Lee said. Azula sighed. It wouldn't happen again. Regardless of what Ty Lee was probably thinking of her, Azula didn't enjoy being with Osak as much as she thought she would.
"Okay." Azula said, sitting down with Ty Lee.
"You want to cuddle? We can chat." Azula offered. Ty Lee sat across from Azula instead. The princess narrowed her eyes, looking away from Ty Lee. She could feel her control slipping. She'd been surprisingly well-controlled. She'd kept herself from hurting Ty Lee. Until she got drunk. She could never allow herself to get drunk again. She could never allow herself to lose control again, at least not over herself. Because when she lost control over herself, she risked losing Ty Lee.
"I'm sorry, Ty Lee. I love you. I don't want Osak. I just… Back when I was… Sick, he was really good to me. He made sure I was eating and that I was comfortable. I became obsessed with him. But that doesn't mean I ever really loved him." Azula said.
"Then why did you want to have sex with him?" Ty Lee asked. Azula gulped. She knew the answer and she hated herself for thinking it much less saying it.
"I-I think I was testing you. I wanted to see how loyal you were to me." Azula said bitterly, realizing that she'd fallen right back into her old way of thinking. Ty Lee hesitated.
"Oh… I-I see… Azula, why did you feel you needed to test me?" Ty Lee asked.
"I don't know… Maybe I was sabotaging myself, Maybe I didn't think I deserved to be happy. Maybe I kept telling myself that I wasn't good enough for you, that I didn't deserve you. I was scared. We were getting too close and I was afraid that you would start to realize that you'd made a mistake being with me.
"So I did something I knew would upset you first. If you left me, I was right. You were too good for me. If you didn't… I dunno… I probably would have left you. It wasn't logical. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I would have told myself that if you couldn't stand up to me, I couldn't respect you. But really… Maybe I'm afraid of being happy." Azula said helplessly, knowing how pathetic that sounded. Ty Lee sighed.
"Azula… I'm not going to leave you. But I'm also not going to stand for you cheating on me. You are my girlfriend. My girlfriend. Not Osak's, not Mai's, not anyone else's. I don't want you trying to cheat on me again." Ty Lee said. Azula nodded.
"Do you like guys or girls better?" Azula asked, uncertain where she stood with Ty Lee. Ty Lee had mentioned dating Sokka and she'd mentioned 'other guys', but were there girls that she'd dated?"
"I guess it doesn't really matter. Guy or girl, as long as they're my type." Ty Lee said.
"What about you?" Ty Lee asked. Azula hesitated.
"I don't know. I guess I didn't really think about it. Being with you was special… Is special. You've been the best to me. I haven't really had a lot of friends. Just people who've used me and I've used them. I would have loved you if you were a guy too I think. But being with a girl is just easier. No risk of getting pregnant." Azula said.
"You don't want children?" Ty Lee asked. Azula sighed.
"I mean… I do… But I don't want them to turn out… Like me…" Azula said. Ty Lee was silent for a long moment. Azula had these moments of self-reflection sometimes where she looked inward and didn't like what she saw. It was happening more often lately for her. Ty Lee hugged Azula, only for the princess to pull away.
"When I went to see my father in prison, I saw myself in him. Needlessly cruel, delighting in others' suffering, power hungry, willing to do anything to get it, no love at all for anyone but myself. And look what that turned me into. I won't do that to my kids… And I… I can't do that to you either. You've been good to me, Ty Lee and I appreciate it. You took me in when I was at my lowest. But I can't be a burden on you any longer. I'll send a letter to Zuko and ask him if I can move back in at the palace. I think he and I can stay pretty well apart with all that space." Azula said.
Ty Lee was stunned. She was silent for a long moment and Azula took that as a sign that Ty Lee agreed with her that she should leave. She pulled out a piece of paper and began writing.
After a few minutes, Ty Lee got her wits about her.
"Azula… I don't want you to leave me. I love you, Zula…" Ty Lee said, trying to kiss the now crying young woman.
"I love you too, Ty Lee… That's why I'm leaving you. I know it will hurt at first. But it's better for you in the long run."
Ty Lee kissed Azula passionately.
"I don't want you to leave though. Whatever is upsetting you, we'll work through it together. We can get through this, Azula." Ty Lee said. Azula gulped heavily.
"Azula, what's wrong? You've been acting… Unusual lately. I know that Osak was your crush while you were in the Center. But you normally wouldn't just run off with someone just because of that. I know you, Azula." Ty Lee said.
"I… I don't know… I just… I'm worried that you were getting tired of me and I wanted to make sure I wasn't alone." Azula said. Ty Lee pulled Azula tighter, kissing her again, lightly this time.
"Azula… I'm not going anywhere." Ty Lee said gently, stroking Azula's head. She felt a bit hurt when Azula pulled away again.
"Ty Lee… I'm not joking. I'm going back to Zuzu's palace. I don't know if he'll accept me. But maybe if he doesn't want me there with his Earth Kingdom peasant wife, he'll at least pay for a place for me to live." Azula said. Ty Lee sighed.
"Are you sure this is what you want?" Ty Lee asked. She didn't want to lose Azula.
"I love you, Azula. Whatever you want, I'll help you do. But I hope you know that you're always welcome back here." Ty Lee said. Azula nodded.
Azula wrote the letter to Zuko, sending it with a messenger hawk.
-0-
The next few days were strange and awkward between the two women. They often sat in silence for hours or if they did say anything, it was filled with long, stilted silences and hesitation. Azula still adored Ty Lee and Ty Lee still didn't want Azula to leave. But Ty Lee wanted to respect Azula's desires. And though she could tell from Azula's aura that there was a lot she wanted to say, she didn't want to pressure the princess. Azula on the other hand was having trouble reading Ty Lee and didn't want to bother the former acrobat with her own problems.
They ate together, they drank tea together. Ty Lee went to work, teaching people Chi Blocking while Azula kept the house fastidiously clean. She didn't want to be any more of a burden than she already felt like she was being. She had imposed on Ty Lee's kindness and generosity for far too long. Ty Lee had taken her in when she was at her lowest and all Azula had done was take from Ty Lee. She'd expected Ty Lee to support her financially and emotionally.
She'd gotten Ty Lee to buy her clothes and feed her and give her a place to stay. And she had the nerve to call herself Ty Lee's girlfriend when all she was was a parasite. She could have said that this was Osak's fault. That Osak had brought back her feelings of inadequacy, that his reappearance in her life had done this. But she knew that wasn't true. She'd been the one to pursue Osak. Osak had just come to say hello to her and see how she was doing. Azula had been the one who invited him to dinner and tried to seduce him.
She'd been the one who 'tested' Ty Lee's loyalty by cheating on her. And Ty Lee kept telling her that she forgave her, that they could move forward… But people didn't forgive as easily as Ty Lee was pretending she did. Nobody was that kind. Azula had just been waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for Ty Lee's true motives to come out. Azula was trying not to be bitter and resentful. But she'd fallen in love with Ty Lee and she hated herself for being so resentful of her.
But whatever her motives, whatever was going to happen, Azula was sure their relationship was over. She didn't want it to be, but she was sure it was. So things were shockingly and painfully awkward between them. They weren't even sleeping in the same room currently. But after about four days, the hawk returned and brought a message from Zuko.
Dear Azula and Ty Lee,
I'm sorry things aren't working out between you. If things have improved in the time, that's great. If not, I've already sent someone to bring Azula back to the palace. Of course she's welcome here for as long as she wants to stay. Jin has given birth to twins, so Azula will get to meet her nephew and niece. Their names are Iroh II and Izumi.
Aang, Katara, Toph and Sokka are staying at the palace currently as well, so maybe Azula will become friendly with them. Katara is about 6 months along and Toph is pregnant we think or at least trying to get there with Aang's child and feeling somewhat grumpy these days. I sent the return letter almost as soon as your letter came and sent a carriage out shortly after. So a driver should be there fairly soon, assuming fairly good traffic.
I'll let you two get ready though. I hope the carriage finds you having reconciled whatever issues you were having. Either way, I hope to see you both soon.
Zuko
Azula sighed, looking longingly at Ty Lee. She wished she could just tell her that she wanted to stay. She wished she could just tell her how she felt. She wished she could share her insecurities with Ty Lee. But what if they were false and Ty Lee stopped trusting her or resented her for being so suspicious? What if they were true and she found out for sure that Ty Lee was holding ulterior motives? Which would be worse? Which would hurt more? Azula couldn't imagine that either outcome wouldn't rip her heart out. Wouldn't make it so she could never trust anyone again.
She'd already lost her mind and ended up in a psychiatric center. She'd already recovered once and was learning to trust for the first time in her life. Her paranoid thoughts weren't helping with that. But she'd trusted Zuko enough to call on him when things went south with Ty Lee. Maybe that meant she was still improving.
-0-
The next day a little after noon, the cab showed up and a young man stepped out, bowing politely.
"May I assist you with your belongings, Your Majesty?" The man asked.
"You know, you could still stay if you want to, Azula." Ty Lee said hopefully, her eyes full of hope and longing for things go back to the way they were. Ty Lee could feel Azula's own longing, though for what she couldn't tell.
"Please, Azula? We could just go inside and talk? Or maybe talk with Iroh? I could close down my studio for a few days or a week and we could have a talk with Uncle Iroh." Ty Lee said. Azula gulped heavily, her eyes wavering briefly. Ty Lee almost leaned in for a kiss, sure that she saw it in Azula's eyes. But the moment passed and Azula sighed heavily.
"I better get my stuff. What's your name?" Azula asked the cabbie.
"Rukon." He said politely.
"Rukon won't wait forever." Azula said.
"I can wait as long as you need." Rukon said.
"Well… No need to make this harder than it has to be. Either for me or for you." Azula said. Ty Lee felt tears filling her eyes as she heard the old Azula's voice come back. Cold, concise and always ambitious. Ty Lee's heart pounded with guilt, the thought that she had done this somehow. Should she have just let Azula have Osak? Maybe she could have lived with it. How bad would it have been?
"I love you, Azula." Ty Lee whispered as Azula got her clothing bags in the cab and climbed in the back. This was an early automated cab. There was nothing pulling it but its own engine. Ty Lee didn't really understand automation. But she knew that it required some skill with firebending at least to make it, if not necessarily to make it run. Was this Rukon using firebending to make the cab run? Whatever it was, Ty Lee wasn't sure it was a stable system.
No, that wasn't the issue.
"Azula… Please? Stay?" Ty Lee asked one last time, but couldn't meet Azula's gaze, afraid of seeing the old cold, cruel eyes that once had dominated Azula's face. Instead, the glimpse she got was a gaze full of doubt and pain.
"I-I can't… Ty Lee… I'll only cause you pain. Can't you see that? Can't you see that you deserve someone who isn't as… Damaged as me… You deserve someone as perfect as you." Azula said.
Ty Lee's heart stopped for a long moment. Perfect? Was that really how Azula saw her?
"I'm afraid that if I stay, I'll drag you down to my level. You're successful Ty Lee. You're healthy and talented. You have an identity outside of your six identical sisters. You're not doomed to just be one of a set anymore. And you don't have to be doomed to be my keeper either. You don't have to be doomed to be stuck with someone as unpredictable and unhealthy as me. I release you because I love you too, Ty Lee." Azula said, kissing Ty Lee one last time, making it last as long as she could before pulling away.
"Please. The best gift you could do for me is to be happy and live a life outside of me." Azula said, tapping the front wall of the cab for Rukon to drive. He pulled away, leaving Ty Lee in tears. She went back into the house and just sat on the couch, crying for a while. She'd rarely seen Azula so vulnerable and so open. Even while Azula had been recovering, coming back to herself, she'd rarely let herself be so open. Ty Lee was sure she'd been helping Azula open up and share of herself. But that had just led them to this. Maybe she'd pushed Azula too hard.
She gulped heavily and sent a hawk message to Iroh in Ba Sing Se. She was hoping that maybe Iroh could reach Azula where she herself had been unable to.