TURTLES

The penguins weighed anchor at yet another head-shaped island, this one dome-shaped, covered in gleaming metal, and crowned with ominous thunderclouds discharging the occasional bolt of lightning for dramatic effect. Factories belched out a mustache of smoke from smokestack teeth, and two glass eyeballs glowed with malevolent red light.

As the penguins crept around, Skipper said, "Look alive, men. We could be ambushed at-"

"-any moment." A turtle said as they rounded the corner.

Leonardo's katana sliced through the metal flooring as Skipper leapt up and kicked the turtle across his face. Leonardo retaliated with a backhand and nearly took Skipper's beak off with another slash.

Raphael darted at Rico with twin Sai, forcing the pudgy penguin to run until he horked up a buzzing chainsaw. Raphael let out a girly shriek and sprinted for his life as Rico cackled and chased after him.

Donatello swept the bo staff in tight, precise movements at Kowalski. The penguin neatly deflected the strikes with his clipboard.

"I see you favor a staff fashioned from oak," Kowalski pointed out. "Sturdy, but perhaps a bit heavy and inflexible."

"Your clipboard's pine," Donatello countered. "Not the kind of wood I'd use to block with."

Proving Donatello's point, his staff cracked the clipboard down the middle. Kowalski smirked. "Perhaps that is by design."

With a twist of his flipper, the staff got snagged in the crack of the clipboard. Kowalski used his leverage to pry it from the turtle's hands. Donatello blocked the kick at his shin and lashed out with a quick punch.

"A practitioner of Jeet Kune Do," Kowalski observed as he leapt over a kick. "Not the most well-refined of fighting styles."

"It throws most people off," Donatello said as they traded punches and blocks. "Can't imagine you surprise too many people with your textbook Wing Chun."

"Novelty only wins the first fight. Refinement wins the rest."

"You have to survive the first fight to fight another."

As Kowalski and Donatello took seats to continue their debate, Michaelangelo slammed his nunchucks into Private. The penguin careened around the narrow space, squeaking with every impact.

"Hey, this is kinda fun!" Michaelangelo batted Private against the same wall over and over.

"Speak for yourself!" Raphael yelped and ducked as Rico's chainsaw slashed through a pipe. "A little help here!"

"Sorry, got my hands full."

"Screw you!"

As the battles raged around them, Leonardo and Skipper, sporting bruises and cuts, leapt apart and caught their breath.

"I won't let that egghead get away with this," Leonardo vowed. "We'll free all the animals he's taken."

"Funny," Skipper said. "That was my line."

"Wait, you're here to stop him too?"

"What's with this 'too' business? You're the ones helping that maniac!"

"Us? We came here to stop him. You're not robots?"

"Of course we aren't. We're penguins!"

"And we're turtles!"

Skipper looked him up and down. "So you are. Boys, stand down."

Rico froze, chainsaw an inch from Raphael's face. "Kaboom?"

"No Rico. No kaboom."

"Aww…"

498

Cowabunga!