D&D

"The Dread Lord Galfrizaxes stands before you," Sero intoned, "Crimson staff held aloft, with swirling energies converging in a black maelstrom overhead. He says, 'you're too late, fools! The spell is already complete, and once the demons invade, I shall rule this planet as their loyal vassal. Submit or die!' Roll for initiative."

Five sets of dice clatter across the table. Sero sighs when he sees the results. "Kaminari, with a nat 1, drops his staff and wastes a turn. Izuku rolls a nat twenty. Again. Izuku, your first move?"

"I run up and hit him with my sword."

"Roll for damage."

Izuku threw the dice. Two sixes.

"Galfrizaxes has a magical barrier-"

"Sever magic," Izuku said, then rolled. "Twenty."

"You cleave straight through the most powerful barrier in the nine realms and deal six damage-"

"Sunder armor."

"Twelve damage-"

"And bonus to undead from cross-leveling as a paladin-"

"Twenty-four damage-"

"Rolling for lucky strike." Izuku rolled. "Nat twenty. Critical strike."

"A total of seventy-two-"

"Plus fall damage."

Sero sighed. "Galfrizaxes falls from the mountaintop, bleeding profusely from the glowing slash carved through his rotten flesh, and is dashed against the pointed rocks below. His staff shatters, and the swirling energies dissipate in a massive thunderclap. Welp, there goes the entire campaign. No demon invasion, no need for heroes."

Everyone around the table groaned. Kaminari said, "Dude, c'mon! I spent hours making my elven thunder mage!"

"We could delve into a dungeon somewhere," Tokoyami suggested. "Who knows what terrors might lurk in the dark."

"That sounds boring!" Dark Shadow complained. "What am I supposed to seduce down there?"

Kaminari wiggled his eyebrows. "There could be a dragon at the bottom."

"Nah. Can there be a giant phoenix? With glittering feathers, and a polished, curved beak, and glimmering blue eyes that-"

Tokoyami spritzed his Quirk with a water bottle. "Bad shadow. Bad."

"You can silence me, but you can't silence the truth!"

Koda timidly raised his hand. "Uhm… the dungeon might be fun?"

Sero drummed his fingers. "I could come up with a new idea in the meantime. Okay. But this time, Kaminari rolls for Izuku."

Clearing his throat, Sero says, "As the thunderclap echoes into silence, the mountain rumbles. Boulders slide aside, revealing an ebony door leading to the lair of Galfrizaxes. What do you do?"

"I roll to blast open the door!" Kaminari threw.

"Your staff glows ominously. Instead of a focused bolt, the electricity discharges wildly. Everyone, saving throws?"

Everyone rolled. Sero stared at Kaminari's die. "The one time you get lucky, and it's not even for you."

One dungeon adventure later, they arrived at the bottom. A dragon lay slumbering atop a mound of gold. Dark Shadow said, "I roll to seduce!"

Once the dice stopped, Sero said, "The dragon snorts in amusement and rises to fight you. Roll initiative."

When the dice stopped, Sero glared at Izuku. Izuku said, "I run forward and swing my sword."

Izuku was henceforth banned from further D&D sessions.

500

In the planning session, Izuku asks, "So, the higher the number, the better?"

"Yep! If you get a nat 20, the check automatically succeeds."

"So I should always roll a twenty. Understood."

Featuring Kaminari the elven wizard, Tokoyami the tiefling ranger, Dark Shadow the *fabulous* tiefling bard and ranger's brother, Koda the dwarven druid, and Izuku the human fighter whose build is min/maxed entirely around rolling D20s.