Twelve
"You're going to hate us all by the end of this," Batman told Kate the next day.
She'd slept up in her room in the Watchtower, fitfully tossing and turning, trapped somewhere between nightmares of tentacles and a sweet and terrible ache between her legs that would not go away. J'onn had offered to sit in her room with her as he had done in her apartment, but she'd sent him away, and he had known why, and he'd erected a wall between their minds to try and make it easier. Kate still didn't know if it had. She had missed him all night, and not just sexually; she'd missed his comforting presence nearby when she'd woken from nightmares every few hours. Now, she stared glassy-eyed at the Dark Knight as he explained her training regimen.
"You will be here in the gym every day, no exceptions. You will do cardio and strength training. You will learn combat training and self-defense. You will train with and without the suit and helmet on. You will do as we tell you when we tell you. You will not let your dalliance with J'onn get in the way of your training."
Kate blushed and wanted simultaneously to punch Batman and also to sink into the floor and disappear.
"Do you understand?"
"Yes," she said, quiet as a mouse.
"Speak up."
"Yes!"
"Good. You will want to quit before this is over. If you ever decide to quit, you cannot come back later. The Justice League doesn't quit. If you do, you will leave your suit and helmet here. I will find someone more worthy to give them to."
Kate stared at him, frustrated. She wasn't usually one for direct conflict—was too anxious for it—but something about his attitude was giving her reckless confidence. "What is your problem with me?"
"You're a civilian who shouldn't be here."
"You're the one who made me the suit!" she reminded him.
"Because I knew you'd stay. You shouldn't have stayed. I wish you hadn't. But if you're going to stay, you're going to train, and if you don't want to train, you will leave."
She sighed heavily. "Yes, I understand."
"Good. Two more things. One, here are your gloves." He handed her a pair of silvery gloves. "They complete your suit. They're made of the same material as the rest of it, and respond to your thoughts the same way. If you need to heal or hurt anyone by touch, the bottoms of the gloves fold away to reveal your skin."
Kate slid the gloves on. She willed them to reveal the skin of her palms and fingers, thinking of healing Batman, as if he were injured. The bottoms of the gloves seemed to fall away from the center outward, tiny piece by tiny piece. Nanotechnology, she assumed. Now go back, she thought. The gloves did as they were told.
"Good," said Batman. "The last thing: do something with your hair."
"What?" she asked, looking up from her gloves.
"You don't have the power of invisibility. The suit does that. Which means all of you must be hidden inside the suit at all times during a mission. You have long hair. If any of it is sticking out below the helmet, someone will see it even if the rest of you is invisible. Do something with it. Cut it, braid it, wrap it, I don't care. But fix it."
"Right," Kate said.
"Hawkgirl will take over from here," Batman said. "I'm busy." He walked away, cape billowing behind him as he went.
"Batman!" Kate called, right before he disappeared.
He stopped but did not turn around.
"Thank you."
"Don't thank me," he said, and turned the corner.
"Okay, first things first," Hawkgirl said, stepping forward with her mace in hand. "I'm gonna hit you."
Kate, who was still mulling over what Batman had just said, turned to look at Hawkgirl and took a step back, hands out in front of her. "What?"
"If you're going to train or go on missions, you're going to have to trust that the suit will protect you. You'll be out of direct danger most of the time—hopefully—but that won't always be the case. And you need to be able to face danger head on."
"So you're gonna hit me with your crazy electric mace?" Kate asked, her voice rising an octave with every word. "Can the suit even handle that? Won't it short-circuit?"
"Don't sell Batman so short," Hawkgirl said. "Now, stand there and let me hit you."
In abject terror, Kate reached out for J'onn, who had agreed to be elsewhere while she was training so as not to distract her. She hit his mental wall, a small headache blooming as she did so, and called out to him, banging against it. J'onn! It was pathetic, what she was doing. It wasn't as though Hawkgirl was going to kill her. But she could not shut down her terror.
J'onn felt her attempts to get past his wall and let it down a little, only to be bowled over by her fear. He took off from wherever he was in the Watchtower, his body incorporeal as he torpedoed through floors and ceilings to get to the gym. He appeared between Kate and Hawkgirl, body becoming solid again, and said, "Wait!"
Hawkgirl, who had been slowly advancing on Kate with her mace raised, stopped and scowled. "Kate agreed to do whatever we told her to do when we told her to do it. You can't rescue her the second she doesn't like one of our orders."
"Wait," he repeated. "Do you not remember what it was like for you when you were first going through combat training?"
"Of course I do," Hawkgirl replied, scoffing. "It was great. We beat each other up all day."
J'onn sighed. "So, you were born to it, I assume. Kate was not. She is a civilian. Under normal circumstances, she is one of the people you would be rescuing. You must be gentler with her."
"So she can die the second she goes with us on a mission? What is she doing here if she can't even let me hit her when she's in full armor?"
"I'm not saying don't hit her. I'm saying do something else first. I don't know if throwing her into the deep end is the best idea."
Kate had been standing somewhere behind J'onn, watching this entire exchange, and the longer it went on, the more embarrassed she became, as if she were a child, and not twenty-nine years old. J'onn had told her the day before that if she wanted to be part of the League, she had to become the nurse she was at the hospital. The Healer. "The suit and helmet are extensions of my body," she murmured.
She had told herself that over and over as she'd put the suit and helmet on that morning. The mantra, combined with the pleasant if emotionally confusing memory of all that had happened afterwards made it much easier to be inside the outfit. She still got the willies occasionally, had to fight off the feeling that the suit was slowly strangling her, but it was much better than she would've thought it'd be. The worst part about it now was the weight.
J'onn and Hawkgirl had both heard her speak the words. J'onn merely smiled a little, but Hawkgirl said, "What?"
Kate took a deep breath. "The suit and helmet are extensions of my body," she repeated, louder, and stepped around J'onn. "Hit me."
Hawkgirl eyed her. "Are you—"
"Hit me!"
Hawkgirl yelled loudly, pulling the mace back, which sparked ominously. She brought her arms down in one powerful blow and hit Kate square in the chest, knocking her off of her feet.
Kate went flying and hit a wall behind her, falling heavily to the floor. Immediately, she began to panic, and was so shocked by what had just happened that she had no idea if she was in pain or not. She tried to sit up but her arms were shaking so badly that she didn't have the strength to push herself up. She was hyperventilating.
"Kate," J'onn said, suddenly at her side. He pulled her into a sitting position and took off her helmet. "Are you all right?"
She felt him probing gently at her mind, her emotions, her body, searching for wounds.
"I… I…" She couldn't get anything out beyond that, couldn't suck enough air into her lungs.
"Deep breaths," he reminded her.
She inhaled and tried to hold it for four seconds, but it didn't work.
"You're coddling her," Hawkgirl said, coming forward. "Get back." Suddenly the winged woman was in Kate's face. "Listen to me. The bad guys aren't gonna care that you have anxiety. They're not gonna care that you're scared. To them, that's an advantage. You have to learn to get hit—to get hurt and then get back up. If you lay down, they'll kill you."
Kate finally managed to take a full breath and forced herself to stand on wobbly legs. "It… d-didn't hurt," she said, touching the chestplate of her suit to feel for damage. There didn't seem to be any.
"Good, because I barely hit you," Hawkgirl said.
And yet, Kate had still gone flying. Well.
The suit and helmet are extensions of my body, she thought. "Hit me again."
Hawkgirl grinned.
###
An hour later, Kate made her way on leaden legs to the showers to clean up. Even despite the armor and padding in the suit, she felt battered and bruised from the chest down. Hawkgirl had run her ragged, made her do a little bit of everything. Cardio, strength training, self-defense, and something that reminded her of the obstacle course people were made to run in boot camp, minus the actual obstacles. The suit was even harder to take off than it had been before now that her body was covered in sweat. She peeled it off of herself like strangely heavy cling film, left it where it lie and stepped into the shower—ice cold at first to help her cool down, then hot to help relax her muscles.
She already knew she'd be hurting tomorrow morning.
A tendril of consciousness touched her mind as she stood under the hot water.
J'onn, she thought.
Hello, he said. How was training? He had left her to her own devices once he'd realized she would be all right. She appreciated him for it.
Aloud, she made a noise of utter exhaustion and frustration, a long, drawn-out groan.
I see, he said.
She laughed.
Well, unfortunately for you, it's not over yet.
No, she moaned. What now?
Building a wall in your mind.
Right, she said. I forgot about that.
Do not forget. You must protect your consciousness from attack.
Okay, she said, as she shampooed her hair. I'll try now. And, as tired as she was, she let her body take over in the shower automatically and focused her mind on building a wall. She tried to make the wall as detailed as possible, picturing brick because it was more interesting than something like steel. J'onn had said that imagining the wall was easier at first, but that that part didn't really matter as much in the long run, so she assumed it also didn't matter what her imaginary wall was made out of.
Kate.
What? she asked.
She sensed his resigned amusement. You already failed. You just let me in.
She released a frustrated huff as she turned the shower off. Was I not supposed to? I thought you were gonna give me pointers or something. You have to explain the rules of the game if you wanna make it fair.
Fine. The rules are these: focus only on the wall and do not let me past it. Concentrate for as long as possible. The point of the wall is to give your mind something to think about so that I cannot find a weakness to get through to you.
Shouldn't I be sitting down or something?
No. The more practice you have keeping someone out of your mind while you're also doing other things, the easier it will get over time. In a real situation, someone trying to break into your mind is not going to wait for you to be in a dark room with no distractions before they make the attempt.
Kate frowned. Yes. Hawkgirl basically said the same thing. She sighed. Okay. I'll try again.
Once again, she concentrated on the wall, standing in the shower with the water off, staring at nothing. She put as much focus into the wall as she could, until she could practically see it in front of her with her eyes. She pictured the deep, rich red-brown of the brick and the white of the mortar, freshly laid. She pictured the wall several bricks deep, hopefully deep enough to keep out an invading Martian.
'Hopefully' is not good enough, came a voice, and in her mind's eye she saw J'onn's head slowly phasing through the wall.
Shit, she thought, and tried to concentrate harder, throwing up more layers of brick between herself and his body. But reality was seeping in around her. She was in the shower stall, and her core temperature was cooling now that the water had been off for a while. She was starting to get cold.
Concentrate, he reprimanded.
Feeling frustrated and not knowing what else to do—the wall analogy wasn't working very well—she stared determinedly at nothing and began to sing loudly, "La la la la la!" Actually, it was more like shouting. She was almost tempted to stick her fingers in her ears like she was a small child annoyed at her older sibling: "I can't hear you!"
She continued shouting a continuous stream of, "La la la la la la!" for so long that she began to get winded. She focused on nothing else, nothing but the annoying sound and her own determination. She forgot that she was cold, she forgot that she was standing in the shower. She forgot about J'onn. She made the awful noise over and over again, until she hated the sound of her own voice.
"Kate! Kate!"
Kate gasped and her hands moved automatically to cover herself up even though whoever had just spoken to her was not in sight. "What?" she yelled.
Diana's voice came to her from somewhere else in the bathroom, around a corner. "J'onn said you can stop now."
"Thank God," Kate replied, feeling like she'd been a hair's breadth from going insane. Tentatively, she reached out to him. Did I do it?
Yes, he said, and she could not mistake the pride in his voice, the way it washed through her mind. Very good. It was not the way I would have done it, but that doesn't matter. Although, the hope is that, eventually, you won't need to sing like that to keep the barrier in your mind up.
Yes, I would love to never have to do that again, she said.
He chuckled.
###
Kate had nightmares that night, but only two, and she fell back asleep much faster than normal. Apparently exercise really was good for mental health. She didn't expect every night to be so easy, but maybe the nightmares would be more manageable now that she had something to pour her energy into. Still, even with only two of them, and falling asleep immediately after, she missed waking to find J'onn sitting nearby. Each time she woke, she reached out for him mentally and he soothed her with talk until she was lost to sleep. She wanted him there in the room with her, but he had his own duties to attend to elsewhere in the Watchtower, and it was not his job to sit with her all night.
In the morning, she got up, and even the act of swinging her legs over the side of the bed was enough to cause pain. She groaned as she stood, her legs complaining. Then she felt it in the rest of her body. And she'd need to do another hour's worth of exercise today all over again. She sighed and took her suit out of its specialized closet, which Batman had apparently invented to help clean superhero costumes, since most of them couldn't simply go in the washing machine. Something about UV rays and some kind of disinfectant mist that got into all the nooks and crannies. He'd placed one of these specialized closets into each of their rooms, with big warning signs on the sides that told one not to open the doors once the cleaning process was turned on unless one wanted to die of cancer in ten years. Kate tried not to think about that too much.
She pulled the suit on, grimacing at its tightness, put her gloves on, then grabbed her helmet and went to get breakfast in the kitchen.
Green Lantern was there, pouring himself a cup of coffee.
She smiled awkwardly at him and started to make herself some toast. Maybe with peanut butter for added protein?
"Hey," GL said.
"Hi," she said.
"Coffee?" he asked, gesturing to the nearly-full pot.
"Decaf?" she asked.
"No."
"No thanks."
They were silent.
"You drink decaf?" he asked.
"I have anxiety. Caffeine is bad for me."
"Right."
Silence. She spread peanut butter on her toast.
"Maybe I'll tell Batman to put decaf on the list," GL said.
Kate looked up at him in surprise. "Thanks."
He nodded, sipping his coffee.
"So," she began, "I guess you don't hate me."
"Why would you think that?"
"I dunno. You've barely said two words to me since I got here."
"I just don't know if letting you join was a good idea."
She shrugged. "You and me both."
"Just… keep up with your training."
"I plan to."
"Good."
She ate her toast, wondering where the hell everyone else was. It was seven o'clock in the morning, surely late enough for superheroes to be up and about. Maybe she and Green Lantern were the last to get up.
"So, you and J'onn, huh?" GL asked.
Kate choked on her piece of toast, got up, grabbed a glass of water, and chugged it.
"Uh, sorry," he said, eyeing her. "Are you good?"
"Y-Yeah," she said, eyes watering. "Fine." She took some deep breaths, coughing occasionally.
"Guess I won't ask about the Martian," he said, smiling a little.
"Don't call him that," she said loudly, vehemently.
GL stared at her, eyes widened in surprise. "That's what he is, isn't it?"
"You want people to walk around calling you the human?"
"I've been called a lot worse than that," he said.
Kate blinked, then flushed in embarrassment and something like shame. "Right. Sorry. I didn't mean…"
"Yeah, yeah," he said, waving her off, and started to walk out of the kitchen.
"Hey," she said, much more subdued now.
He stopped.
"Those invaders we fought off… They called him a freak. I just don't want anyone calling him the Martian when they really mean something else."
"I get that," he said. "For the record, I wasn't thinking anything else when I said it."
"Okay," she said quietly.
He turned to look over his shoulder at her, smiled ever so slightly, and left.
Some knot in her stomach seemed to release.
She was halfway through her veggie omelet several minutes later when J'onn walked in. She eyed him for a moment. "Did you hear all of that?" She tapped her head to emphasize what she meant.
"Yes," he said.
She sighed. "I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't fight your battles for you. It was just… hearing him say that, like… like you were less than…" Her body tightened the more she thought about it. "I know he didn't mean it like that, but…"
He went to her and wrapped his arms around her, and in his mind was only soft gratitude.
She relaxed into his embrace, closing her eyes. What is this for? she asked.
All you've cared about since you met me was ensuring that others treat me well, he replied. You've risked your life and your own well-being, gotten angry on my behalf more than once. Tried to shield me from harm, both great and small. I wanted to thank you.
You're welcome, she thought, mind buzzing happily, enjoying the feeling of him holding her. Just friends, my ass, she thought, a little embarrassed.
Do friends not hug one another? he asked, amusement clear in his tone.
A friend doesn't think about how good the other person feels holding them like this, she explained, feeling her face grow hot.
"Hmm," he hummed.
She remembered the way he had hummed in her apartment, in his natural form, his whole body vibrating slightly and releasing air from his pores.
His body suddenly began to vibrate. It tickled her face where it rested against his chest.
She laughed.