A Bitter Pill to Swallow- chapter 12
The family stayed through visiting hours and then headed out for the night. Tony and Angela were able to schedule a family session with the social worker for the following day. They said their goodbyes and headed to get some dinner before heading back to the hotel.
"I'm finally feeling like I can breathe again but at the same time, I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop…" said Angela as they headed to the car.
"I know sweetheart, I feel the same way but let's try and focus on all the positives that have happened just today! He spoke to someone and attended a group! That's a huge win! We just have to take it day by day…" said Tony.
"He's right Angela. We just have to focus on the wins here. There's going to be setbacks but hopefully the successes will far outweigh them" said Mona.
"You're both right. I just have to focus on the here and now… I just want him to be okay…" she said as she fought the tears that were threatening to fall.
"He will be… it's just going to be a long road. We will be here for him and for each other…" he said as he pulled her closer, giving her a quick kiss.
"C'mon you two… let's head back. I'm starving!" said Mona. They all got into the car and drove back to the hotel for dinner and another much needed rest.
Back on the unit, Jonathan rested a bit in his room before dinner. Once he was called for dinner, he found he was starting to get hungry. The food wasn't anything to write home about, especially compared to Tony's cooking, but it wasn't inedible either. He finished his dinner and headed into the main room. They were about to watch The Shawshank Redemption. He remembered Tony and his mom going to see it when it came out last year but couldn't remember if they liked it or not or even what the plot might be. He decided since he had nothing better to do, he'd sit down and watch it. An older gentleman he recognized from the art therapy group sat down next to him.
He knew this wasn't prison, but it sure as hell felt like it at times. He wasn't wrongly convicted like Andy Dufresne, but he couldn't help feel some parallels between himself and the character. He didn't think he'd be able to tunnel through the walls of this place, even with all his free time.
"Get busy living or get busy dying…" said the man next to him once the movie ended.
"Huh?" asked Jonathan as he was still lost in his own thoughts.
"The line… from the movie. That Andy character… pretty smart fella I suppose… Sorry where are my manners! The name's Harold…" he said as he reached over to shake his hand.
"Hi Harold, my name is Jonathan. Yes I suppose he was a pretty smart guy… escaping prison and all…" he said.
"Very true… not what I meant though…" said Harold.
"What do you mean then?" asked Jonathan.
"Well… the way I figure it, he took a pretty crappy situation and made the best of it. He made the choice… get busy living and fighting it…" he said.
"But that was prison…this is a psych hospital…" said Jonathan.
"Does it matter? These four walls seem about the same…" said Harold.
"So what are you here for, if you don't mind me asking" said Jonathan.
"Well… I wasn't getting busy living… the opposite actually. Tried with pills this time… my granddaughter found me. I… it's not something I'd wish on my worst enemy…" said Harold.
"Oh wow… I'm sorry. Is… is this your first time at the hospital?" asked Jonathan.
"Oh my no… I've lost count. I've been in and out from about my early thirties. Tried a whole bunch of medications and therapists… I finally found a good combination of drugs that helped but then about six months ago I was laid off and bam! Lost my insurance and all of my supports. We fought to get on my wife's insurance but it was delayed until finally last month, but the damage was done so to speak…" he said.
"That's not fair! You finally got the help and they screwed you over! That wasn't your fault!" he practically shouted at the older man.
"Take it easy there kid! Yes that wasn't my fault but I still made the choices I did that got me here. See that's the thing I had to learn the hard way… what I can and can't control. I can't control anything other than myself- my thoughts, my feelings and my actions. It took a long time to realize that and obviously I'm still struggling at times, but at least now I know what to do, where to go for help. Like Andy said… get busy living or get busy dying… either way it's your choice kid. Alright I think it's time this old man gets some sleep! See you in the morning kid!" he said as he got up and headed out of the room, leaving Jonathan to think about his words. After a few minutes, he got up and headed to his room for the night.
The next morning, Jonathan got up early and decided to walk around the unit, trying to get in some form of exercise. Eventually, he found himself back in the main room. He was sick and tired of reading magazines so he looked around for something else to do. He saw a pile of blank notebooks in the corner and picked one up.
He had never been one to write before; in fact, it was his least favorite subject in school. He was more of a hands on learner- dissecting frogs, blowing up science projects, things of that nature. Creative writing? Definitely not his strong suit, yet something was drawing him to the empty pages.
"You want a pen?" asked his aide. They decided the day before that he wasn't crazy enough anymore for two aides, so one was reassigned somewhere else on the unit.
"Sure… I've never done this before so I don't even know where to begin…" he said as he took the pen that was being offered to him.
"Maybe don't think… just write…" he said as he picked up the remote and started flipping through some channels on television.
Jonathan decided maybe that was a good idea, since he couldn't come up with anything else. He started jotting down some notes, which turned into a few sentences and then before he was even aware of it, he had written almost eight pages of his thoughts. He only stopped when they called everyone in for breakfast.
By mid-morning, he attended another two groups, including the art therapy group. It was an open art studio approach so he could choose whatever materials he wanted as well as the theme. He took out the watercolor paints and painted the quote from Shawshank Redemption. He lifted it up too quickly, and the paint started to run. At first, he was upset but once it dripped off the paper, he started to like the effect. He finished up the group and headed back into his room.
After lunch, Samantha came to get him for the family session. He was brought back into her office where Tony and Angela were waiting. After giving him a hug, they all sat down to begin the session.
"Thank you all for coming. I've started the discharge process even though you are still a few weeks away from actual discharge. I've found a center near to your home in Fairfield to receive both individual and family therapy should you opt for both" said Samantha.
"So I guess I'm not going back to school this year then…" he said. He had pretty much assumed as much but putting the question out there hurt more than he thought it would.
"I think for now Jonathan you need to focus on your recovery. Once things are more stable, I'm sure you could look to go back to Harvard or even transfer to a local college at home" said Samantha.
"Nothing has to be decided right now though, right? We can still see how the next few months go" said Angela.
"Of course. The decision doesn't need to be made now. The focus needs to be on figuring out how to best support Jonathan as he starts this recovery. I am pleased to see that you've continued to attend groups and meeting with staff. The recovery process is a delicate balance between the right treatment team, medications, family support and most importantly, the internal motivation to get better from Jonathan. There's no magic pill or therapy that's going to do it for you… you will need to put in the hard work, just like you've started to do" she said.
"How… how can we best help him?" asked Tony as he leaned over and put his hand on Jonathan's shoulder.
"Be there for him. Love him unconditionally when he may not love himself. Be there to point out the successes and don't judge him when he falters. Same goes for you Jonathan. Let them know what you need and what you don't need…" said Samantha.
"What… what if they don't want to hear what I have to say? Or it hurts them?" he asked, barely above a whisper, with tears in his eyes.
"Nothing you could ever say or do is ever going to make us love you any less! You can tell us anything!" said Angela.
"Even… even how I've felt hurt by… both of you?" he asked, his gaze turning from each of them to the carpet on the floor.
"Both of us?" asked Angela as she looked at Tony for the answer to the question that broke her heart. Tony just looked back at her with the same questioning, hurt look as in his eyes.
"Never mind…" he said.
"Jonathan… this is going to be hard but the more honest you are right now, the better it's going to be in the long run. How did you feel hurt by them?" asked Samantha.
"My… my whole life people have left me. First it was my dad, not once but twice. Then Tony and Sam came… it felt so good to feel like a real family again, only for them to leave a few months later when dad came back. Once dad left again, things were good but… but I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think that's why I set you two up for Valentine's Day that year. I didn't want to lose Tony and I knew the only way I wouldn't lose him is if he married you. And… and I was right because I lost him anyway…" he said as he wiped away the tears that had fallen.
"You haven't lost me Jonathan! I'm right here and I always will be!" said Tony, holding back his own tears.
"No Tony, no you weren't and neither was Mom! You spent the next five years in a will they, won't they relationship until you both started relationships with other people! Do you know how hard that was to watch? Finally thinking this family was permanent… I wasn't going to lose anyone else and then it all almost came crumbling down! And then the worst thing… Iowa" he said with so much hurt in his voice it nearly broke them both.
"Yes that was a very difficult time…" Angela started to say as Jonathan interrupted.
"Difficult? Difficult Mom? C'mon! Tony was gone for months at a time, coming back on the occasional weekend. Then you moved out with him, which was fine because we all thought you would be back and get married… but no, you broke up! I lost everything- the only family I ever knew, the only father figure in my life! I watched you fall apart for weeks afterwards and I couldn't do anything about it! Tony… you missed my gradation from high school and while you were there Mom, you were only going through the motions. That was supposed to be one of the best days of my life but it was anything but… yes you guys are back together but…" he said as he finally broke down crying.
"You are waiting for the other shoe to drop. For them to leave you again…" said Samantha.
"Yes! Just like my dad! Especially with this to deal with! What if I'm the reason they break up again? That they call it quits and I'm left again all alone!" he cried. By this time, all three of them were on some level crying. Samantha passed around a box of tissues.
"I… I had no idea you felt like that…" said Angela as she wiped away her own tears.
"Yeah well…" he said as he wiped his own tears.
Tony just sat there, staring at Jonathan and then finally over at Angela. He couldn't believe what he was hearing, how much pain Jonathan had been in and most of it because of his actions. He could reason the real culprit was Michael, but he put salt into an open wound. He always thought of those times- leaving when Michael came back, the years of flirtatiousness between him and Angela, the few months of pure hell with Kathleen and Andy followed by his time in Iowa- in how it impacted the two of them. He never really thought too much about how it impacted Jonathan and probably Samantha. The pain he knew he caused them was almost too much for him to handle.
"Look… before anyone's thoughts take them down a rabbit hole, this is not what caused Jonathan's bipolar disorder. His fear of abandonment is real though and will be something you will have to work through in therapy as well as in family therapy. It's going to be difficult to process this but you will find a path of healing for all of you…" said Samantha.
"I'm so sorry sweetheart that you've felt like this for so long. I had no idea that our actions impacted you so negatively. I… I'm so sorry" she said as she reached for his hand. He looked over at her and grabbed onto her hand, giving it a little squeeze.
"Tony… is there something you'd like to say?" asked Samantha.
"I…I don't even know what to say. I saw what Michael's actions were doing to you and while I tried to be the opposite of him in every way possible, I guess a big part of me made the same mistakes he did… you deserved better Jonathan and I'm so sorry I let you down…" he said as he started sobbing.
"Tony you aren't like my dad at all! You've been there for me most of my life! I don't know where I would be today if you hadn't come into my life. Despite how I feel about some of this stuff, I still love you. I love you both…" he said.
"I love you too Jonathan… you are my son and nothing will ever change that" said Tony as his crying slowly subsided.
"How about we wrap up things for now? Jonathan and I will continue working until he's discharged. Why don't you all go enjoy your afternoon visit?" she suggested as she led them out of the office. They headed into the visiting room and grabbed some seats against the back wall. Mona soon joined them as they all decided to play cards.
"I think you guys need to head back home tomorrow so you can get back to work and everything…" he said as he dealt a new round of cards.
"Jonathan we don't need to go anywhere. We can both afford to miss some more work. I can check in at the office" said Angela.
"I can too buddy. No rush to go anywhere…" said Tony.
"This hospital is huge! I haven't even explored all the other professionals in the other floors for potential dates… I could keep myself busy all week!" laughed Mona.
"You need to go home. Get a good night's rest and get back to work. I think I need to start taking the next steps by myself. I know you will be there if I need you to be. I need to do this…" he said.
"Are you sure?" asked Angela very reluctantly.
"Yes. You can come back up to visit and then hopefully I'll be ready to go home in a few weeks. I promise I won't do anything to hurt myself again" he said as he looked down at his bandaged arm.
"Alright Jonathan. We will head home tomorrow after our visit. We can be right back up here and we will make sure we schedule a time to speak as often as you want. You can call us anytime… day or night…" said Tony.
"Well maybe not anytime… my nights are otherwise occupied… unlike these two stiffs over here…" laughed Mona as she pointed at both Angela and Tony.
"Mother!" scolded Angela.
"What? I'm just kidding… sort of… gin!" yelled Mona.
"Grandma it's poker!" laughed Jonathan.
"Whatever… the game is rigged I tell you!" said Mona as she threw in her cards. They spent the rest of the time chatting about everything and nothing all at once. When it was time to go, they hugged each other, a bit longer than usual and headed off the unit. He headed back to his room and collapsed on the bed, the day's sessions taking an emotional toll on him. He didn't even realize he had fallen asleep until they woke him up for dinner.
After dinner, he decided to do some more journaling. He headed into the main room to one of the tables and began to write. As was happening more and more to him when he was being creative, he lost all track of time. The unit was about to start shutting down when he ran to the pay phones in the main room. He pulled out some money and dialed the number he knew by heart since he was five years old.
"Hi Mom and Tony. I know you won't get this until tomorrow night but I knew I had to say it now. Thank you. Thank you for loving me, supporting me, giving me a life worth trying to live for. Both of you are the most supportive people in my life and I truly appreciate everything you've done for me and continue to do for me through this whole journey. I know I don't always say it enough but… I love you" said Jonathan as he hung up the phone. He took his journal back to his room, stopping to get his medication before turning in for the night.