Now & Then
Previously in Now and Then: "So erm, did you find that kid you were looking for?" the teen asked, fishing for anything to break the tension.
"Look, it ain't no good beating around the bush," Bobby said. "You are the missing boy and your name is Dean."
Kid looked around the small family. His lip quivered and his eyes danced with confusion and uncertainty.
"I know this is a lot, Dean," John said gently. "We will explain everything, if you'll just give us a chance."
"Why should I trust you?"
"Because we are your family."
Chapter 6 - Family
It was said quietly, so quietly they might have missed it if they had not all been on high alert. They all looked towards Sam. He was focused on his big brother, his heart in his eyes. Kid stared at the twelve-year-old for a long time. The silence stretched. Breaths were held.
"No … but …" Kid started shaking his head and moving backwards.
He had a hundred questions running through his head but no idea where to start. And he wasn't sure he wanted the answers, even if they could give them. He had no memories from before. Not of these people or any others. But over the years he'd figured a few things out. Like whoever he was before had been hurt, physically, badly, and a lot.
Then there was the fact that no one ever came looking for him. There were no missing child reports in the system that fit his description. He'd learnt enough over the years to know that missing kids got looked for, usually, if they came from good families. So he'd known, his family, whoever they were, were not good people.
That didn't fit with the people before him. Three years in St Michael's meant he knew kids, all kinds of kids, and how to read them. Sam and Adam were happy, they were healthy. They were loved.
He backed away more but didn't get to his feet. He saw the man's, John, hand twitch, as if he wanted to grab him and the hairs stood up on the back of Kid's neck.
Sam's eyes had filled and Adam clung to Sam's arm not sure what to do or say but wanting to fix it.
"Easy there, son," Bobby said, palms still out, voice soft, like he was approaching a spooked horse. Kid's breath was shallow but he was clearly trying to maintain a front of control. His eyes automatically darted around, evaluating his surroundings. "We know this is a lot, we'll go at your pace, OK, whatever you want. You must have questions, right?"
Bobby knew control was always important to Dean and guessed it would be for Kid too, after all, neither one of them had much of it at all, life – and the supernatural – had taken that from them.
Kid took a deep breath, and then another. He was in the open, and he was pretty sure he could outrun all of them if he had to. The kids were pretty short and the men were not exactly young. He took another breath and tried to get his thoughts in some sort of order.
"There are databases for missing kids, I'm not in any of them," he said carefully.
"It's complicated ―" John started.
"Not really," Kid snapped. "Your kid goes missing, you either look for them or you don't." He looked between the two men and couldn't help wondering if one of them was actually blood-related to him, even though he didn't believe them.
Bobby and John shared a quick look. They hadn't expected to have to go into that side of things, the hunting, the monsters, not yet, not immediately. They both realised now how foolish that was. They couldn't explain what they had done, and not done, when it came to looking for him without covering the family business.
"We did everything we could to find you, Dean, but there are reasons, circumstances that meant we couldn't go to the authorities."
"Are you criminals?" Kid asked. He wasn't sure how he felt about that but it would explain a lot. It also raised a whole new batch of questions.
"No," Sam defended ardently just as Adam said "yes" guilelessly. Sam glared at him.
"It's complicated," John said again.
"How?"
"Sometimes we need to break the law, but only so we can help people," Bobby said.
"Because you're Private Dicks?" Kid challenged with narrowed sceptical eyes.
John had to catch himself before he reprimanded the boy, it was such a Dean response.
"No, they hunt monsters," Adam said earnestly. "And ghosts," he added.
"Adam," Sam warned under his breath, the way he often did when he felt Adam was saying too much.
Kid looked around them. They all looked deadly serious.
Something was seriously wrong. Adam believed what he said, that much was clear, but kids believed all sorts. That didn't explain why the rest of them were going along with it. At least part, if not all, of what they said had to be lies. But what was the truth and what did these people want? If he didn't know the idiot lacked the imagination, he might have thought Malcolm had set the whole thing up as an elaborate prank, a further dig at his lack of a history.
"Okay, so look, I need to get back," he moved further from them before getting to his feet.
"We know how it sounds," John said, looking up at the teen.
"I just … er … I need some time to … thanks for lunch." Using every ounce of control he had, he turned and walked away. Not breaking into a run until he was sure he was out of sight.
Sam bit his cheek, hard, to stop from crying as he watched his big brother walk away. Neither John nor Bobby made any move to stop the teenager and Adam was focused on his big brother.
now&then
Sam hadn't said a word after Kid had left them, the tears in his eyes remained unshed.
Over the next day he made an effort for Adam, just as he knew old Dean would have done for him, but it felt like he'd just lost his big brother all over again. Only worse because this time Dean had chosen to walk away, which Sam had never believed he'd done before. Adam swung between desperate attempts to cheer his family and long periods of sulky silence. He admitted to Bobby that he blamed himself. If he'd never spoken to that boy, none of this would be happening. Bobby tried to reassure their youngest that it was a good thing he'd found Dean but Adam didn't seem convinced.
John was like a caged tiger, pacing and glaring, they could all feel the storm brewing inside him and were waiting for it to break. Bobby spent all his energy, focused all his thoughts, on trying to help his family. Deep down he knew, at some point he'd have to deal with his own feelings about Dean.
The teenager didn't call. Didn't reach out in any way.
They kept an eye. He was still at the boy's home and seemed to be continuing with his normal routines. They could only guess at what was going on in his head. Bobby recalled Kid's dig about the 'soap opera' of the long-lost kid with amnesia. Compared to the monsters, that probably now seemed far more believable.
The phone rang and John and Sam both looked that way, hope and fear bristling from them.
"Yeah?" Bobby answered gruffly. His own nerves frayed.
"Bobby?" The caller's concern reached down the phone and Bobby felt a stab of regret for his brusk answer.
"Sandra, sorry, things have been rough, we're all on edge."
Sam and John both collapsed back. Guiltily, Bobby realised he hadn't mentioned the information from the call from her previously. He'd been distracted by more imminent concerns. The omission suddenly felt like a lie.
"I can only imagine. How is everyone?"
"Dean still doesn't remember and beyond that we can only guess what he's thinking." He glanced round the rest of his family. "As for the rest of us, about how you'd expect."
"Perhaps I should fly out there?"
"What about ... your patient?"
There was a long pause. Bobby knew she'd have picked up on the ambiguity of his question.
"You didn't tell them?"
"There's kind of been a lot going on here."
"She's got a case?" John asked, picking up on Bobby's tension. There was no question of them going but he knew Bobby would feel he had to find someone who could.
"You okay to hold for a moment?" Bobby said into the phone.
"Unless, you want to call me back?"
"That depends on what you've got."
"I'll wait."
John was sitting up again and now leaned forward onto his knees. "Bobby?"
"John, I'm sorry, I should have said something sooner, but with … everything …"
Dark clouds had gathered in John's eyes.
"Sandra has a patient, young girl, who was rescued about four years ago by someone that matches Dean's description. Sandra didn't have much to go on so she stayed there to try and get more."
John's eyes darted around for a moment. "That's pretty vague, Bobby."
"I know, but we figured if it was Dean, and he doesn't remember when this girl does …"
John moved forward and grabbed the receiver.
"Sandra, it's John." He still said that whenever he picked up the phone even though they'd got to know each other well in recent years. "Tell me you've got something, something that –"
"John, take a breath. You know as well as I do that whatever the full story, it won't be that simple." If there was one thing she'd learnt about the senior Winchester, it was that a firm hand was needed. "How are Sam and Adam?" And a call to focus never hurt.
He looked across the room, both boys were watching him.
"Doing a better job of holding it together than me," John gave his honest appraisal.
"Let me guess, Dean's keeping his distance and you're all feeling rejected?"
Silence was the only response.
She sighed.
"Have you got anything or not?" John snapped.
"A bit, and possibly more leads, but I think you need to focus on 'now'. We can worry about 'then' later, if I find anything."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means proceed as if Dean won't ever get his memory back, for now. It's a possibility and if you focus on just waiting until he does or trying to restore it somehow, you could burn bridges you won't be able to rebuild."
John handed the receiver to Bobby. "She's on some psychobabble," he grumbled.
Bobby took the handset. "Hey," he said, to let her know he was back on the phone.
"Wow, that was almost polite for John," she teased to let him know it was alright. The truth was, John could be a real charmer when he had a mind to be and a certain level of trust had been built between the two. Sandra had offered support when Adam first joined them and had even spoken to Sam a couple of times about the loss of his big brother. There was no doubt she had helped the two young boys in their grief. But John was John.
It was the eyes burning into him from Sammy's bed that were disturbing Bobby at the moment.
"Your case?" he nudged.
"Nothing concrete, but there were other kids there, which could mean more witnesses."
"Can we confirm if it was Dean?" If it was, Bobby would find the resources to follow up but they couldn't afford a goose-chase right now.
There was a pause before she answered. "I'm working on it, in the meantime I'll send you some … psychobabble," he could hear the smile in her voice. "You never know, it might help."
"Thanks Sandra, keep in touch."
Sandra hung up the phone and ran a hand through her hair. Her notes were extensive and she had ultimately downplayed the information she had. There was a chance she'd pay for that later but she stood by her decision and the advice she'd given John. Nothing she had so far was going to get Dean's memory back and details of the case were unlikely to help the boy embrace his family again without it.
Her patient, Mikala, had been grabbed on the street and taken to a cave where several other children were already being held. All, like her, had only the foggiest memory of how they got there and no idea how to get home even if they could get out. They had all been scared and convinced there was no hope until the boy had shown up. Sandra didn't have details yet. She hadn't treated any other kids with a similar story but it was possible someone had. This was going to take some research. She turned to her computer and logged in.
Mikala had said she hadn't got a clear look at what had taken them but maybe one of the others had. Years of being told by others that monsters aren't real had blurred the incident in Mikala's mind. She spent a lot of time talking in circles and correcting herself as to the reliability of her memories. It was going to be a long road to help her, regardless of what else Sandra was able to discover. Bobby had provided Sandra with a picture of Dean years ago. She hadn't yet shown it to Mikala. Much as confirmation one way or the other would help them, it could hurt her patient if she wasn't ready to be confronted with hard proof of the reality of her memories.
For now, she'd try to find the other victims. The records wouldn't hold specifics but if she could find something that fitted maybe she could follow up with whoever treated them and try to get more.
now&then
John kept an eye on St Michael's, though he stayed out of sight. He understood Dean needed time but he couldn't risk him taking off. He'd finally found his son, there was no way he was losing him again.
He and Bobby had made one attempt to speak to him further a couple of days after the picnic but he had refused to even see them, passing a message that he didn't know anything about the boy they were looking for and couldn't help them.
Bobby had needed to restrain John from barging in and just slinging his son over his shoulder to haul off. Instead, they had left details of where they were staying and a return message saying the Kid could contact them at any time. They had all been tense in the hours that followed.
John was a raging bull, upsetting the boys enough that Bobby was tempted to punch him in the face. Though in an effort to 'calm the hysterical man', or just as a way to work out some of his own feelings, he couldn't be sure. In the end he didn't. He sent John out to a bar. Not ideal but better than the boys seeing and hearing any more. When John came back a few hours later, considerably less drunk than Bobby had been expecting, he tagged Bobby out, giving the salvager his own time to process while John took the time to apologise to his two younger sons.
Once everyone had calmed down, Bobby tried to reassure John, and John tried to reassure the boys that Dean would get in touch once he'd had some time to process. But another day passed and they heard nothing.
John maintained his surveillance, unable to let his firstborn out of his sight for long. He swung between despondency, fury, and desperation. More than once Bobby had noticed his eyes were red. In the face of the rage, Bobby threatened to tie him up and leave him in the trunk of the Impala until he calmed down. Other than that, he didn't comment on any of the moods, sticking to practical matters and their sons.
Bobby came and found John one lunchtime in the abandoned building opposite the boy's home, bringing coffee. Judging by the mess, John had been raging earlier but he seemed calm now.
"How are the kids?" John asked, his eyes still locked on the orphanage, even as he took a grateful sip of his coffee.
"Adam's holding up okay."
John nodded, understanding.
"How about our boy?" Bobby nodded his head towards St Michael's.
"Still here. Though that doesn't mean he hasn't called the cops on us." John managed to drag his eyes away from the building and give Bobby a small smile. "Or the loony bin." He was confident Kid had done no such thing but he wouldn't have blamed the boy if he had.
"You wanna tell me what's going on in that fucked up head of yours?"
"Fucked up is right," John admitted. He threw Bobby a sheepish look. "He's fine. He's been fine. For years. Just here, going to school and hanging out with the other lost boys. We could have shown up, found him and had him back at any time. He's not been eaten, or mauled, or tied up as a plaything for some freak. He's …" John lifted his hands, gave up trying to explain and dropped them again, "fine," he shrugged.
"And you'd prefer it if he was eaten or mauled or whatever?"
"No. Yes. Maybe." John pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes. He didn't know what to make of what he was feeling.
"I spoke to Sandra again."
John looked up. "She sending the white coats?"
"She suggested that you could probably forgive yourself more for not finding him sooner if he wasn't just sitting here waiting to be found."
John pouted slightly as he thought this over. "It doesn't sound quite so nuts when you put it like that."
"Oh, you're still plenty nuts, just no more than usual." Bobby gave him a grin.
John snorted. "Well, you put up with me, not sure what that says about you."
They both sat on upturned boxed that they had arranged in the space for that purpose. John took another sip of his coffee before his eyes wandered back to the building opposite.
"So what now?" Bobby asked him.
"He needs to know the rest."
Bobby surveyed his man. Partly John was just looking for any excuse to be with his son again, as soon as possible and permanently. But that didn't mean he wasn't right. "I doubt he'll believe us. I don't think he even believes we're his family." Sometimes Bobby still expected a dispute from John when he called the boys his. But John never did.
"We'll explain it. He'll come around, he has to."
"We should check on the boys, then we can make a plan," Bobby said, getting up.
John nodded and with a last glance at the orphanage, followed.
Neither of them saw the twelve-year-old hidden in the shadows down on the street.
Sam knew he'd be in trouble, but it didn't even feel like a choice really. It was something he had to do. No one could tell Dean's story better than Sam, no one.
He watched his fathers walk away, back towards the motel. He wouldn't have much time, they would come looking as soon as they realised he'd gone. At least Adam wouldn't be alone for long. He knew his little brother understood but the eight-year-old never liked to be left behind.
Sam went to the front door of St Michael's and rang the bell.
To be continued …
AN: Thank you for reading. Only one more chapter of part 1 to go but parts 2 and 3 are in the works :) I hope you all are still enjoyng the story and I would love to hear from you xx As always, thank you to the amazing Meilean and Churchlady63 for all their support. Wishing you and yours all the best.