He just could not stay away from her.

Shinji had been hurt by his rejection by Rei. She had blatantly favoured his father over him, had come running as soon as the Commander had called her, even though she had promised her time to Shinji. I'm only the second most important person to her. And worst of all, the person who was most important to her was the one who had hurt Shinji so often.

He should be insulted. He should be angry. He should want to have nothing to do with her anymore.

And yet, the next day, at the same time, he stood in front of her door again. He had to come back. He could not turn away. Not from this. As Rei opened the door, as he saw those big red eyes, that soft face, that subdued curious look, he knew he could never turn away.

Still, he wanted to show Rei he was not his servant to be called and dismissed at just her say so. Wanted to show some defiance, some anger, something at least. But before he was able to say anything, Rei had swung an arm around his neck, her head darting forwards, and kissed him.

He basically melted at her touch. All his sorrows seemed to immediately be gone. There was no anger anymore, no resentment. Right now, he was with Rei, and that was all that mattered. And… maybe that was better that way. If they could avoid conflict, that was for the better. Indeed, besides just the security and comfort of Rei's arms, that was another sensation spreading in Shinji: Relief that there would be no confrontation after all.

They ended up on her bed. Small as it was, they could only lay there side by side by wrapping their arms and legs around each other, but then again, that was sort of the point. It was one thing to be told that one was liked. Even that was rare and precious, almost unprecedented for Shinji. But now he was learning that one could also feel what it was to be loved, with nothing more than to just lay in the loved person's arms, with nothing more than just skin next to skin, breath next to breath, heartbeat next to heartbeat.

It was blissful. They only got up when Shinji had to sheepishly admit to growing hunger. He felt kinda awkward and stupid saying that. Maybe he should have eaten before? It wasn't like he could just turn off his stomach and its sensations, but he was painfully aware that it was he who had interrupted the cuddling, and that for such a mundane reason. He felt kinda embarrassed.

He thought that at least he could make up for it by fixing a nice meal. He knew that Rei was usually just eating ready meals and whatever bland stuff she was getting at NERV. It was another one of those uncomfortable details about her life, but at least he could help mitigate this… or so he had thought, until discovering this of course also meant that Rei had absolutely nothing in the way of ingredients back home. She did have pots and pans, in a cupboard above the sink… but those had literally never been used, not once in several years.

"Ah… I suppose we could go get something at the supermarket," Shinji suggested, whose stomach was now beginning to growl. "It's a bit far off from your apartment, though."

Rei slightly tilted her head, which to Shinji was the most adorable thing ever, and seemed to ponder that. "I have some bread here," she offered.

Stale bread. And indeed, nothing else. That decided the matter for Shinji. "Let's go. We should be able to make it back in a reasonable time for dinner."

They both put on their shoes and walked outside. For a moment, just a moment, Shinji's sense of reality wavered. Leaving the house not just with a guardian or a roommate or even friend, but with his… well, his girlfriend. And moreover, her apartment, with no adult in sight, doing domestic things like buying food. For just a moment, that felt kinda off; Shinji didn't feel nearly adult enough for such things.

The moment passed, though. And would that really be such a bad vision for the future? For a second, Shinji's heart beat faster as he had that stray thought, but that passed as well.

Walking side by side with Rei was an oddly pleasant experience, or maybe a pleasantly odd one. It didn't really register when they were still walking through the condemned highrise quarter, where nobody was around, but even here, things didn't seem so stark or drab with Rei next to him. The run-down state of the area was immaterial, hardly noticed, as Shinji's entire focus was on the blue-haired girl next to him.

And as they entered more populated areas and finally a small business area, nothing more really than a single small street full of shops, the effect became more pronounced. Of course the two didn't do anything as overt as holding hands. Rei not because, most likely, the thought wouldn't occur to her, and Shinji not because, well, that just wasn't done in public in Japan. Not normally, at least. However, they were in fact walking pretty close to each other. Rei in particular seemed to focus on that, always coming close enough that at least their arms would brush against each other.

Knowing that even in such a mundane thing as walking to the store, Shinji still had someone so close to him - it was such a simple thing, but it was a surprisingly effective mood enhancer. And contrary to his usual inclinations, he liked how this was with other people around. Other people were going to the stores, or just passing their way, housewives, elderly men, even some children. He liked the normalcy of it all. It allowed him to dream that this could go on forever, that there were no such things like angels, NERV or his father to consider, that maybe this relationship could be normal and blossom.

He even liked that people could very well suspect that Rei and he were a couple the way they were walking. It wasn't even something as crude as presenting his new girlfriend to the world, showing off with it to everybody. It was just… He liked the thought of it all. He did have a girlfriend. It was Rei. There was something magical about that - even in something as everyday as getting some food.

The cashier at the supermarket definitely suspected the two were an item. She had this look on her face that typically signalled 'Oh how adorable', and for once, Shinji didn't feel denigrated by that look. He even smiled at it as he left the store. After all, he had Rei with him. That was somewhat adorable, wasn't it? It definitely was something to smile about.

"Are you hungry already, ah… Rei?" Shinji asked on the way back. It felt strange calling her by her first name, even now, but it was a good strangeness - an enjoyable excitement.

"Yes," Rei answered matter-of-factly. "Is there anything else we need to buy? Or some other preparation for cooking?"

That question surprised Shinji. "Uh… ah, no, I don't think so." Rei just nodded, acknowledging the answer. "Why do you ask?"

"I would have liked to go somewhere else," Rei answered.

"Liked…?" Shinji echoed.

"It was different from going alone," explained in her typical monotonous voice. "I don't know why, but I liked going into town with you."

"Oh." A comfortable warmth began spreading in Shinji. Then an idea hit him. "Maybe… maybe we can go somewhere tomorrow?"

Wait… isn't that a date then? But all those concerns became irrelevant when he saw Rei's suddenly hopeful eyes. "Where?" she asked.

Now Shinji smiled. "I don't know. The zoo, maybe? A café? One of those viewing platforms up the mountains? I guess we can discuss that during dinner."

He felt a strange energy that had never been there before. Normally, he didn't care much for going to the zoo or to a café or to a viewing platform. Normally he didn't care to do anything at all. But with Rei at his side, he would like to see the entire world.

Misato had a feeling as if everything was slipping through her fingers.

Just a week ago she had a complete pilot corps, plus reserve pilot, everyone was working together to defeat the angels, everything went according to a well working routine, and she had a feeling that she could take on whatever Adam-spawn would come her way.

In a way, this had proven true. But it had also destroyed everything.

Currently, the tension in her own household was so thick that one could cut it with a knife. She felt weird knowing that Asuka was in her room all the time, a hostile presence in Misato's own apartment. And Shinji wouldn't even so much as talk to her anymore. It was all all silence and hostile glares.

It was exasperating to the Colonel. She had always tried her best to make her household as lighthearted as possible. Why dwell on what they all had to go through? In fact, why even mention it at all? Surely it was easier on them if all she didn't. The pilots did their job, they all did, Misato as well, and at home they wouldn't even mention it. That had always been how the Colonel had faced uncomfortable situations.

It was no use dwelling on what couldn't be changed, after all. They were all in this together, and Misato had always found it the best way to just laugh all problems away. She had enough problems with her own emotions and feelings as it was. Sometimes she felt dark thoughts, fear, guilt crawling up from within her. Laughing it all up was how she dealt with it. Teasing the kids allowed her to go on with everything that happened. And whatever else the pilots would have to do, Misato would ensure that they would have a normal childhood. They were just ordinary kids, and at home that was how they would be treated. Surely that was for the best? It was the way that surely was easiest on them all.

But now it had all broken down. Misato had given her best to provide cheeriness, to provide distraction, and yet Shinji was sulking while Asuka wouldn't even leave her room anymore. She couldn't do this alone. She could not tease and joke and jest if nobody else took part in it. It was just… frustrating.

It wasn't that she couldn't understand Asuka. In fact, she probably was one of the people best equipped for that. She had been gravely hurt as well, at the same age that Asuka was now. And afterwards, she had completely isolated herself as well - in fact, had completely withdrawn herself into her own body. Two years of catatonia… but she had survived. Because, ultimately, Misato had had the will to live, to go on.

And she had faith that Asuka had the same will. The girl was a pilot. She knew what was at stake. She just had to.

After Shinji had left active service, Kaji had tried to convince Misato that her approach was wrong. He had argued that what the kids craved was recognition, respect, empathy. The Colonel had laughed at that - who was he to tell her that? True, he had been Asuka's one time guardian as well, but relations between them had always been tense - and now he wanted to advise her? Then the laughing had turned to shouting at each other. In the end, she had seemed vindicated, with everything apparently going alright and all problems being solved: Shinji had his role, Asuka had her role, Misato had her role, and they could all focus on what mattered, defeating the abominable angels.

Until the Commander had, de facto, kicked Shinji out. And until the last angel had attacked. Now, Misato could often hardly bear it to be at home at all. That was exactly what she had tried to avoid with all her cheeriness and her avoidance of all the things that had happened at NERV - exactly this awkwardness, this nerve wracking tension. It really was better not to dwell on things.

Well. Asuka would soon have to come out of her hiding. Ritsuko had already called and said that the German pilot could not miss another synchtest. She had even suggested that after what had happened to her, Asuka might drop out of the pilot corps, but with Shinji gone, who would pilot Unit 02 then? That just wasn't feasible. And Misato couldn't imagine Asuka ever allowing anybody else to pilot "her" unit, anyway.

No, clearly Asuka would soon be back in the cockpit. She had to.

It was just a pity that nothing could be done about Shinji. She would have liked to reunite him and his father. To not let him make the same mistake he had made with her own father. It would have been a way to at least symbolically undo that mistake. That was why she had invited him in as soon as she had heard his story - her chance to ensure the story would go right this time, that at least this father/child relationship would work out.

At least she could do something about Asuka. Or rather, after Ritsuko's call, she had to. Misato stood in front of the door to Asuka's room and was indecisive. Finally, her face hardened and she knocked.

There was no reaction. Asuka was ignoring her again. Misato had expected nothing else. So she kept knocking. She knew that eventually Asuka would be annoyed enough to shout.

...except, even after a few minutes, there still was no reaction. That was odd.

"Asuka?" Misato called. No response.

"Asuka, there is a synchtest. You need to go."

Again, nothing.

Misato furrowed her brows. Finally, she opened up the door, for the first time in days. She looked uncomfortable at the wardrobe thrown in front of the door, like a barrier. "Asuka?" she called again.

No response. Misato stepped over the wardrobe. There was no Asuka in the room. Her futon was empty.

Misato's face froze.

Asuka felt worthless - less than worthless in fact. She didn't just amount to nothing, she was an active detriment to the world. Piloting was all she had ever been good for. It was the one thing that she had so far that allowed her to do good, her only chance to be noticed, to be respected, to be somebody.

Not that she ever had, even with piloting, even with her whole childhood sacrificed to it.

But she just could not. She just could not continue. If she didn't pilot she was worthless - but if she piloted she was worthless as well, just a puppet of people controlling her, just a tool to them, just something they'd use and not even regard. Worse, then she was a docile, good little girl allowing others to use and abuse her.

All the pain, all the sacrifices, all her heroics, they had in the end amounted to nothing. She, among all her peers, had been chosen to suffer, to go through such things as Hikari, Touji, Kensuke never had to, and she got nothing in return. There would just be further pain and further humiliations and further violations. But on the other hand, piloting was all she knew. It had been her entire world ever since she had been four, a time she couldn't even consciously remember anymore. And whenever she had not gotten along with her training program, she had been punished.

She couldn't pilot. But she also couldn't not pilot. So, instead, she had just left. She had packed up a bunch of clothes, and some food cans from the kitchen, and had left Misato's apartment. That was her way out of her situation. She could never not be a pilot, but she could run away from her problems.

Pathetic. Disgusting.

Shinji had made a clean cut, at least. Damn him! When she had heard of that, that a pilot had just left active service, it had shocked her. After an entire childhood of being expected to pilot no matter what, here was somebody who had been a pilot as well, but who had then left. What was up with that?

It had been a revelation to Asuka, if only belatedly. Once she had understood him.

He at least has shown enough will to stand up to Misato and call it quits. Whereas I…

Whereas she was currently here, laying in a bathtub in an abandoned and mostly crumbled building. A ruin, really, which she had found near the old village of Hakone, on whose municipal grounds Toko-3 had initially been built. My refuge.

Strangely, this ruin of a building still had water access, even if the water was more sputtering than running out of the tap and even if it looked dangerously brown. Still, the strangely pristine bathtub in the middle of the building, just below one of the several holes in the sorry remnant of a roof, was better than nothing. Who knew where else she would get a chance to clean herself, now that she had run away?

And so Asuka lay naked in the cold water, and wished this all were over. She didn't want this life anymore.

I could lie here and just never come out. Just never return to what they all want from me.

The truth was, she had no idea what she should do now. She had no worth, she could not return, she had no place to go to. Returning to Misato's apartment meant returning to whatever awaited her there, and going on was impossible without a goal in mind. She was stuck, truly and utterly stuck, and she felt that with every fiber of her being.

Might as well just keep lying in here.

The water around her was cold and muddy, and she felt chilly all around, without clothes, without even proper walls to keep the elements out. From her bathtub, she could see a tree growing overhead, and grass to all sides of the crumbling walls.

I've nowhere to go anyway. Nothing to do.

...but it was getting cold. Even so, she lay there for hours, her thoughts just steadily getting slower and slower, until it seemed there was only one synapse firing every quarter hour.

Then the sun began to set.

Asuka didn't know why, but that was when she finally stood up from the bathtub and dressed. As darkness approached, she cowered in a corner and hoped the night wouldn't be too cold.

Shinji was astonished. Truth be told, going to the zoo had been a sort of emergency solution, something he had only chosen because he literally had not been able to come up with anything better. It really was sort of embarrassing. What boy takes his girlfriend to the zoo for their first proper date? It was kind of childish and kind of lame. Surely nothing everybody hadn't already seen a dozen times before.

...and yet, Rei looked amazed, even enchanted. Not that a random passerby could have noticed that. She still was very much… well… Rei. She made no great gestures, no sounds at all, and her face remained always even. But the way she went from compound to compound, looking at all the various animals with big eyes and obvious interest…

Has she never been to a zoo before? Even Shinji had twice or thrice, with his school class.

The animal species presented here were all rarities now, even though Earth's landlife hadn't been hit as hard as its sealife after Second Impact. Whereas the seas had undergone a catalycism that had fundamentally changed them and made them hostile to all life, the land areas had "only" to struggle with the "normal" effects of the meteorite impact: Widespread destruction of biotopes, changing climates due to Earth's rearranged rotation axis, dust particles in the air, floods, and so on and so forth. Some species like the African elephant and basically all rhinoceros species had died out completely in the wild, but at least all continents still had flora and fauna.

...of course, it never was a meteorite. It was an angel. Shinji knew that now, one of a precious privileged few… but could never speak about that to anybody else. All he had ever gotten for his service, a service that had saved the Earth if that information was correct, was yet more restrictions and more degradations.

No wonder Asuka ran away. Shinji made a face and then determined not to think about it. The last two or three days with Rei he would not waste on thinking about NERV. Not even about Asuka, though it was difficult to suppress that ever-present feeling of worry. He liked Asuka, and wanted to see her safe… but he also had only days left. He needed to spend them with Rei, and focus on that.

He caught up to the blue-haired girl with a smile that was only partially forced. "Do you…"

He was stopped when Rei simply raised a hand, her view still fixated on the compound in front of her. Then she suddenly looked extra close. There was something moving…

...the smallest cat Shinji had ever seen. It was smaller than the leaf on the ground it was crossing! According to the shield next to the compound, that was a rusty-spotted cat, and it was fully grown.

...and Rei's face looked like a silent squee.

Now she turned around. "You wanted to say something, Shinji?"

The boy just smiled and shook his head. "You seem to be enjoying yourself."

"I have read about most of those species in books or the internet," Rei told him. "I did not think that seeing them myself would be much different." She paused. "I was wrong."

Books and the internet… Those seemed to be Rei's only window to the world.. What has my father done with her?

Then a thought came to him. "So what have your books told you? Uh… what about those snakes?" He nodded towards the next compound.

Slowly and monotonously, Rei began to recite about the snakes of the former Amazon jungle. Now and then, Shinji made encouraging noises, told her to go on or asked some trivial questions. He wasn't really interested in formerly South American snakes, of course, or in African hyenas or North American cougars… but he would have been able to listen to Rei's soothing, soft voice for hours, for days on end.

He didn't know how much Rei had a genuine interest in those matters, and how much she was simply entertaining his request for explanations. But she was talking more now then he had ever seen her before in his time in Tokyo-3, and the more she talked, the livelier she became - her lectures didn't sound just like a textbook anymore, and now and then she did make her own observations.

And it was fantastic to see Rei coming out of her shell like that, even if it was on such a mundane issue. So Shinji just smiled and nodded dumbly as Rei went on and on with her explanations. He tried to maintain a proper physical distance, as they were in public after all, but as usual, Rei had no such inhibitions. When she wasn't captivated by the next compound to come, she kept as close as possible to Shinji as possible, her shoulder rubbing against his.

And, as much as Shinji would never have been the one to initiate this… he liked it. He liked it a whole lot. It wasn't just the excitement of first love, or at least Shinji didn't think so. Yes, having Rei around, exchanging coy touches barely hidden from passersby, keeping in physical contact throughout, that was exciting. But it was also… Shinji couldn't quite find a word for it. Rei made him feel whole like nothing else before ever had. Being just shoulder to shoulder with her felt like - well, it was a strange thought after just days of this, but it felt like home.

He banished all thoughts about how in just a few days he would be homeless again. The sweet aura of despair lay over both of them, and they both did their best to ignore it.

So they dwelt inside the zoo for hours and tried to forget the world outside. Or at least, Shinji was pretty sure that this was true for Rei as well, who behaved much like him in this regard, never mentioning what would soon come at all, and never uttering the names of Asuka, Misato or Shinji's father. It took hours until finally they decided they were hungry and it was time to go… well, to Rei's apartment, but despite the starkness of the place, despite the noise and the trash all around, that as well had started to feel more like home to Shinji than Misato's apartment was now, and more than his tutor's house had ever been.

Shinji smiled as they left the zoo, feeling a sense of accomplishment he had never experienced inside the EVA. Even if he were to leave in three days, he had at least brought some normalcy to Rei's life, maybe some joy. He had done something his father never had, had taken better care of Rei than he ever had. And that was something they now couldn't take away from him anymore, or from her. In a way, that single deed for a single person felt more important to Shinji than all the EVA fights taken together, all the times he had saved the world. In all of that he had always just been a tool for them, not valued for who he was, but just because he was the right tool for the job, nothing more.

Whereas this… this he had done as a person. A simple kindness from one person to another.

He had proposed going to a café afterwards for something to eat, but Rei could not be moved on this. As she had declared, café food was acceptable, but Shinji's food was preferable. The embarrassment Shinji had felt at this implicit praise had not been altogether a negative emotion. Having Rei set the table… okay, well, her desk… for the meal, and then seeing her eyes lighten up when he entered the room with it - that was another sense of achievement.

It was not the most… proper form to have a dinner, her on a makeshift repaired chair and both of them sitting at an angle to a desk instead a proper table… but it didn't matter. It was with Rei, so it was enjoyable. There was even something funny and uplifting about how they could just ignore those matters and make do with what they had at hand.

"You look troubled."

Shinji looked up from his plate. He started to protest that it was nothing, but Rei just kept looking at him, a gaze that was cutting right through his denial. Finally, he lowered his head. "It's Asuka. She has run away, it seems. We… we don't know where she is."

"You're worried about her." It was a statement, not a question.

"Asuka… Asuka is alright," Shinji said. "Gruff at times, but not... " He shrugged. "Not dangerous, I guess. If you leave her alone, she will leave you alone. In a weird way, that's a form of being considerate and respectful, isn't it? It was nice to have a roommate like that."

"She has been unhappy for a while now," Rei stated matter-of-factly.

Shinji remembered their talk after Asuka's fight against the meteorite angel. "Y-yeah, I guess so. Piloting wasn't what she had hoped it to be." He frowned. "It seems all piloting does is to make people unhappy."

Rei shook her head. "Asuka could have been happy with piloting. She was unhappy with the people around her."

"And that for good reason," Shinji commented darkly. He himself dreaded going back to Misato's apartment now. With just the Colonel back there, and all the tension in the air… he just felt so uncomfortable about it.

Finally, he sighed, and told this to Rei as well. He had the feeling he could tell her everything. She nodded upon hearing that, but then seemed unsure how to react. "That is unfortunate," she merely commented.

An uncomfortable silence ensued at the "table", and Shinji felt guilty about this. So, he forced a change of topic, and with a smile asked, "Did you enjoy the day?"

Rei nodded. "Will we be doing something similar tomorrow?"

Shinji's smile, already not the steadiest to begin with, began to falter. "As often as you like. And for as long as… well, for as long as I'm…"

She laid a hand on his and looked him straight into his eyes. She didn't need to say anything; he understood her even so: They would not talk of this. At the same time, that look was strangely reassuring. Rei had always been his rock amidst the floods.

Whatever my father has done to her, she has an incredible willpower. Something I never had. Something he admired in her.

The two deliberately prolonged the dinner as far as they could. Their rice and vegetables grew cold on their plates, because they knew once they had eaten them all up, it was time for Shinji to go. Even so, they couldn't delay this forever. They finished up, brought the dishes to the kitchen, and then said goodbye… or rather, there was not much language involved, just a long, deep kiss during a close embrace.

It was kinda silly, but then, Shinji's upcoming departure made every goodbye dramatic.

With a heavy sigh, Shinji put on his shoes and stood up again. Just as he was about to grab the handle of the apartment door, he felt Rei tucking at his shirt. He turned around.

"Stay," she just said, with that wide-eyed, honest, innocent look in her eyes.

"S-stay?" Shinji's eyes widened. "I can't, I…" A thousand reasons came to mind why he couldn't - he needed to pack, and Rei only had her small bed here, and it would be improper, and what about Rei's daily routine and there would be consequences, and what would his father say, and what would Misato say….

...he breathed out. As he had experienced, Rei's bed being so narrow wasn't necessarily a bad thing. And he could really, really use the company. He still didn't want to go back to Misato's apartment, to endure her stares, to worry about Asuka, to feel his impending doom. And as for the Colonel and his father and all the others - what were they gonna do? Fire him?

He smiled melancholically and began undoing his shoes again.