74) And All The Faults You've Left Behind

Persephone had been uneventful, thanks in large part to River's efforts with the street cameras and contacting a lawyer. The warrants had been quashed handily and apparently Atherton Wing was being censured publicly for his attempts to retaliate against the crew of Inara Serra's former ship. The Companion's Guild took a dim view, especially given his treatment of Inara. That black mark he'd earned would be the least of his worries when they were done with him.

So, Serenity had been able to pick up their sealing crates, another load of cattle and set off for Jiangyin and Triumph after that. Both places had provided a lot of manure and some maturing compost which Carolyn claimed (and River backed her) was even better than just manure.

Zoë didn't have any problems with any of that. It had been a pretty calm couple of months, and she'd been enjoying the lack of difficulties. Barring the usual issues of people not wanting to pay Mal for the goods he was smuggling (or even carrying legally) which was a constant on Serenity and not so much a problem as a regular occurrence (though it was troublesome and annoying).

Of course, Zoë was getting an awful lot of practice in on lift offs thanks to Mal's interminable optimism. Also, not really a bad thing.

No…the tension that seemed to breathe the air of Serenity like another crew member was due to a couple of issues. The first was Bea. She wanted Mal to lead the New Resistance and she wasn't willing to give up on that and just leave. She'd bring it up at least once every couple of days, how she'd been told all about Mal. How he'd held Serenity Valley. How 'everyone' said he'd win the war for them. Who 'everyone' could be Zoë couldn't figure since most of the folks who'd been in the Valley were dead and the rest didn't like to talk about it much (actually not at all). She and Mal among them.

The girl didn't seem to understand that Mal had no interest in fighting another war and even less in leading the charge. The only reason Mal hadn't dumped her on some moon was for her father's sake. Li Quiang had been a good man. Stubborn though. Plain to see his daughter took after him.

So, Bea, source of tension number one. Not altogether surprising that.

The other one… yeah, Zoë was beginning to understand what Mal meant when he said it was a real burden being right all the time. Jack. Or more precisely, Jack's attitude towards River and what she'd been doing because of it. And Rick's fury when he found out.

Zoë thought she'd seen Rick pissed off before. When Niska had kidnapped them and his mercs had beaten on Carolyn was an instance she'd thought represented the pinnacle of Rick's anger.

Oh… she had been so very, very, wrong.

Contrary to what Mal and Carolyn might have thought, she hadn't been asleep in the shuttle when Rick had confronted Jack. It said something about the depths of the man's anger that he hadn't even noticed her standing in the airlock entrance across the galley. For the first time Rick actually looked like Riddick to her. Like he would cheerfully beat Jack to death and drink her blood from a boot with a coldly satisfied smile on his face.

Zoë was not too proud to admit that Rick actually scared her in those moments. And she had to admire Mal for acting as if he didn't see just how furious Rick had been. Admired him even more for keeping calm and dealing with sulky angry Jack without losing his own temper. Maybe it wasn't obvious to Jack but to anyone who knew Mal, it was obvious that he was unbelievably shēng mènqi.

Boot camp wasn't for the weak. Wasn't for the lazy. Jack was neither, which was a good thing. Though it was obvious that she hadn't been prepared for Zoë to play reveille at dawn ship time, straight into her dorm.

Bea was in Rick's old bunk which meant she got woken up out of a sound sleep as well. But if she didn't want to get off the ship, she'd have to put up with it. Wasn't like Mal was forcing her to stay.

Jack had learned that if she didn't want to get woken up by a horn blasting into her room that she'd better be ready to go, boots on the ground at dawn. And if she didn't get up, Zoë had absolutely no qualms about waking her up by dragging her out of bed by the ankles.

But surprisingly, Jack had actually taken to boot camp pretty well. Maybe it had something to do with Jayne taking her and Bea out to a pawn shop and bringing back a set of barbells, weights and rack, along with a speed bag and a big sandbag. Rick had contributed to the exercise fund with some coin, River had found the pawnshop with the items in question and Jayne had been elected to go and get the equipment.

Or maybe Jack just needed structure and a way to deal with the anger Zoë could see would blister the girl's bones if it wasn't channeled properly.

They'd gotten to the hand-to-hand combat portion of boot camp and Jack was just tall enough that Zoë could teach her without running into issues. The girl was beanpole thin and likely would be until she stopped sprouting, but she was strong.

"Ain't easy you know," Zoë told her when they were cooling down at one point. "Dealing with anger like that and not following it to the foregone conclusion based on past experience."

"You sound like River," Jack wrinkled her nose and when Zoë raised an eyebrow elaborated. "She was always sayin' stuff that didn't make sense. Stuff like that."

"Mal told you River was real ill when she first came here," Zoë knew that for a fact and Jack nodded her confirmation. "Part of that, the part that sticks with her, is the way she talks. How she needs to not look at screens every seven days or so. Her brain works so differently from ours it's actually harder for her to communicate sometimes." Jack had frowned over that, and Zoë went back to her original point, "I meant, when a man gets that angry, and he's killed before, it can be hard to not do the same thing again."

"Mal said Rick looked like he wanted to throttle me, or beat me bloody, he wasn't sure which or words to that effect," Jack admitted quietly. "I just… nobody ever wants me. You know? Just me."

Zoë nodded, "Yeah. It ain't easy." Jack gave her a surprised look and Zoë rolled her eyes. "Worst thing about teenagers is how they think they're the first ones to ever go through whatever it is they're goin' through," She looked heavenward for a moment. "I grew up on a family boat," She'd told Mal, told Wash, hadn't ever seen reason to share it with anyone else. River knew because River knew everything, but she had the courtesy to not talk about it. Maybe Jack would be a little easier knowing there was someone else like her on board. "But I got stuck dirtside when I was about…twelve or so." Jack made some inquiring noise in her throat and Zoë took that as encouragement to continue. "We took on cargo, proper bills of lading, delivered on time, and our ship got landlocked before we could leave. Seemed the cargo included some things that were less than legal."

"Oh niú shǐ," Jack groaned.

"Yep, the boat got impounded, my uncle and dad got arrested, along with my mother and aunt and older cousin," Zoë nodded. "The boat was sold to provide money for a defense attorney, who proved that we had acted in good faith, hadn't broken any seals, hadn't even done business with the smugglers in question ever, and my family was found innocent."

"Didn't get the boat back though did it," Jack could be pretty canny.

"Nope," Zoë shook her head. "Entire family was stuck on the rock they brought us to for the trial. Never hated a planet so much in my life. Bernadette was expensive compared to living in the Black. We all got split up with finding different work. Had to ship out on whatever piece of fèi tóng làn tiě would take us."

"Did you ever see 'em again," Jack's voice had gone quiet.

"My aunt and uncle…no…their fourth run out to the Rim the ship got hit by pirates, or Reavers, all hands lost," Zoë shook her head. "My father got us in a cheap apartment, got work moving shipping containers at the docks. He and my mother couldn't find work on the same boat, and they didn't want to split up or have to leave me." She sighed… "Lost my mother when I was fourteen… my father when I was sixteen… War started up not long after. And I had plenty of reason to fight."

"How'd you stop," That quiet voice, finally gaining some understanding.

"Bein' angry?" Zoë looked at her, "Little one, that kinda rage, it scars your bones. Fills you to your marrow and you can't get rid of it." She shrugged, "Dunno what happened to Rick, but like recognizes like. He's got the same thing." She looked up at the mule, raised up to the level of the catwalks since it wasn't in use, "Gotta find a way to make it work for you. Channel it, calm it…" She looked back at the skinny girl next to her. "Helps when you ain't sixteen and full of hormones that'll mess with your equilibrium even if you weren't mad as a wet hornet."

Jack sighed, "Ain't easy."

"Nothin' worth doin' or havin' is," Zoë told her. "Now, unless I'm mistaken, you've got some chores and then you've got lessons."

"Yeah," The girl nodded, swinging her arms in the last bit of their cool down routine. "Guess I'd better get to 'em. Don't wanna get in any more trouble."

Zoë watched the girl head towards the mid deck where the chore of changing the water filters awaited her. Emma's babbling came over the little two-way comms River and Kaylee had made to monitor the baby and Zoë couldn't help her smile. Emma had her daddy's sunny nature. Until she was pushed. Best not let it get to that. Babbling meant hungry or bored.

It took him a night or two (okay more than two), before he worked up the nerve to ask the question burning in his belly since River had offered her hand and forgiven him his most colossal fuck up. He didn't understand how she could forgive him.

Mostly because he couldn't forgive himself. He'd fucked up beyond belief. And River had suffered for it.

"How could you," He spoke into the softness of her neck and hair, holding her close. Tiny (battered and callused) feet between his shins, cold without her socks or slippers, soft (how she could have soft hands with calluses from work and holding weapons he didn't understand) hands resting against his chest. "How could you forgive me? She made you wonder if you were going crazy. Made you afraid and I didn't even consider it could be Jack taking your things."

"Didn't tell Mal who he was, because he was trying to rejoin the human race," River's answer, typically, wasn't simple. She wasn't a simple woman and that was part of why he was so gorram taken with her. Because despite all appearances he wasn't a simple man either. "Told you, it takes belief? A leap of faith, trust comes later."

"Yeah," He nodded and kissed her hair again, rubbing his cheek on the silky softness of it. "I remember."

"Being human, means…flaws and virtues," River's hand crept up to gently stroke the pulse point on his neck, her index finger a tender caress over his carotid. "To rejoin the human race is to be part of a whole. No longer alone."

"All right," He still didn't understand how she could forgive him his willfully blind idiocy. And she seemed to have forgiven Jack too. Though he could be wrong. River's serenity in the face of Jack's sulky (downright bratty) behavior had always amazed him and this could just be more of the same.

"She is grateful, for his belief, his affection for Jack and Carolyn," River told him quietly. "Without them, he would not be who he is today. Would be angry, paranoid, willing to drop Serenity like a bad habit at the first sign of trouble since he had made no promises."

"Right, they kinda…tempered some of my animal behavior," He agreed with that. Without Carolyn 'translating' some of the crazier stuff people did he likely would have lost his patience with the whole process.

"You allowed them to change you," His liàn rén had a smile in her voice. "And Serenity helped you become someone you could take pride in."

That much was true. Before Serenity, River, Mal (Jack and Carolyn before them) and the rest he wouldn't ever have considered letting himself be turned in just so he could break someone else out of a slam. He liked who he was becoming. For the first time since he was twelve, he had hope that he could be a decent person someday.

"Doesn't explain how you can forgive me," He reminded her. Because he still didn't get it.

"Is he angry with her for not seeing that Jack was causing her troubles," River inquired thoughtfully.

"No!" That hadn't even occurred to him. "That's on her. Not you."

"Should have Heard her thinking maybe," The slender woman he held so closely opined. "Genius brain, should have considered all possibilities."

"You said since you got sane that you don't Hear everything all the time," He reminded her. "And Jack was so casual about what she was doing I doubt there was a lot of active thought going on there. Not much for you to hear."

"Same reason I don't blame you," River told him. "Family doesn't believe heinous things of each other. Doesn't consider that a loved one would do something so terrible. Takes desperation and eliminating all other possibilities before such things are believed to be true." She lifted her head and pressed a kiss to his lips. "Can't forgive what isn't his fault. Can't blame him for not seeing. Grateful that he figured it out."

"Still feels like I should have figured it out sooner," Riddick castigated himself. "You don't seem angry with Jack either though."

"Angry just…not… not dwelling," River replied after a moment's consideration. "Shepherd Book… he became a man of God after he did…many terrible things. He had such awful memories. But he wanted to be better. Wanted to make the 'verse a better place. One person at a time."

"Sounds like he was trying, which is more than most folks do," Riddick recalled the bits and pieces the crew had dropped into conversation about their Shepherd.

"Yes," River smiled at him. "He told Mal once, that the nature of forgiveness is misunderstood. To forgive requires strength. Strength to give up the anger and hurt of being sinned against. The sinner must be forgiven for the one sinned against to have a life beyond the event. Cannot have a good life if one dwells on all the wrongs done to me. Cannot have happiness of my own if all my energy is consumed denying her my forgiveness."

"So, its deciding that you want to be happy. You want to have a good life and putting your energy and thought into that, rather than being angry and upset and trying to make Jack pay," Riddick thought he got it.

"Helps that Jack knows she did wrong, she is being punished, and she will learn and grow," River told him gently. "She is young. Angry in her bones and punishing the girl for her own perceived faults. She will get better now that everything is out in the open. Best way to help. Best way to move forward is to treat her as if she will learn."

"Another leap of faith huh," Riddick might take a little more time to get there but he understood what River was getting at. Jack was his little sister and he still cared about her. If River, the one who'd been sinned against, could forgive and move on…well, he could try to do the same.

"Someday, she and Jack will be friends," River's tone had satisfaction and a little bit of mischief in it. "Will find things in common and make Captain Daddy a little crazy. They will have fun together."

"Well, when that happy day arrives let me know so I can take a capture of Mal's face," Riddick chuckled and kissed her.

Author's Note: So Zoë's history is one that I'd heard before, but I have no idea where and whether or not it's considered canon. I know it is canon that if the owner of a ship is doing something illegal that the ship will be put to auction in order to pay for the legal defense and if need be, any fines incurred. That's been established by dialogue on the show and some of the RPG source material.

The second half of this chapter I actually wrote more recently, like November 2023, because it occurred to me that Riddick might need River to explain how she was able to (so easily, at least to all appearances) move past something that had caused her months of worry and fear. And the rest of us might like some sort of explanation for how River isn't ready to eviscerate Jack. She's not a saint but she's also had a lot of experience putting things in perspective and her own emotional equilibrium is more important to her than being upset with Jack.

Chinese Translations:

shēng mènqi (to seethe / to sulk / to be pissed off (vulgar))

niú shǐ (cow dung)

fèi tóng làn tiě (scrap metal / a pile of junk)

liàn rén (lover / sweetheart)