5. Life Ain't Fair

(Buck)

'We need to talk.'

The words echoed in his mind. Were the intentions behind the phrase good or bad? What kind of talk, exactly, did Eddie want to have with him? Had his drunken foolishness put an end to their friendship as he knew it? Or was Eddie okay, willing to move forward with a boundary Buck swore up and down to himself that he'd respect at all costs, even if it meant the pain of a pining, broken heart? Better to have Eddie and Christopher in my life same as they are now then to not have them at all.

Buck, leaning back against the counter, pinched the bridge of his nose. How could he let impulse, one he was warned against by Hen and Karen, ruin the second most important relationship in his life? Or is it third? How exactly do the placings play out between Eddie, Bobby, and Maddie? Why do they all have an 'E' ending name?

"Ugh," he let out the disgruntled sigh.

He snatched up his phone and shot off a quick reply, ignoring the tremble in his hands. 'I'm sorry about last night. When do you want to talk?' He hit send and dropped his phone back on the counter. Knowing he'd spend the rest of his day checking for a reply every minute, Buck made his way back upstairs and turned on the shower, stripping out of his clothes. Moments later he stood under the stream of hot water washing away the grimy-ness of his misadventure and hoping for the oddly numbing pain to swirl down the drain with everything else. All the while he fought the urge to pop out and check his phone.

As a distraction Buck came up with a game plan. First on the list, eat the toast he made, and chase it down with more water. Second, retrieve his car from Hen's place, preferably without staying to chat too long. The last thing he wanted was to stumble into another bottle… Crap, I forgot to text Bobby. Move that to the top of the list. Nearing the end of his shower, Buck twisted the knob, sucking in a breath as the cold water hit him and chased away any lingering desire to crawl back into bed. At least to sleep. I'll happy hide under the covers and avoid all my mistakes.

True to his plan, wrapped in a towel, he returned to the kitchen and shot off a text to Bobby.

'Sorry I ruined your evening.' Not his usual check-in, but it hadn't exactly been a normal night for him. He owed Bobby. A lot. Ruining a date. Making a recovering alcoholic face an all too familiar demon. Stirring up some discord in the firehouse.

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself," he muttered under his breath. "What's done is done."

He hit the bottom step when his phone chirped.

His heart skipped a beat and his mouth went dry.

Eddie…

But it was Bobby. 'All good. Let's get coffee later. Pick a time. And take tomorrow off. That's an order.'

Leave it up to Bobby to be understanding. It was one of a number of things that made him a spectacular leader and a top notch friend, as well as the father Buck wished for when growing up. As he wolfed down his toast, dry for fear of upsetting his stomach again, he consider what a talk with Bobby might be like, and why hadn't he done that in the first place? There'd be no alcohol to cloud his judgement, or to feed his impulsive side, only a rational voice telling him to cool his jets. Then again, they'd yet to even discuss the fact he kissed Tommy and went on a few dates with him. Could it be that Bobby was ashamed of him?

No.

Impossible.

Bobby embraced each and every one of them for who they were, inside and out.

'I'll let you know a time later.'

The next thing he did, aside from glaring at his phone screen trying to will a response from Eddie, was call Maddie. She answered on the third ring.

"Hey sis," he said, hoping his voice sounded even. "Are you available right now? I need a ride to Hen's to get my car." Always there to help him—and where we're you when she needed you to rescue her?—she promised to see him within the hour.

Which left him a minimum of 60 minutes to kill.

He paced.

Then cleaned up his apartment, which took little to no time given how little he darkened his own door as of late. Every five seconds he wanted to check his phone. No matter where he stood in his apartment his gaze darted toward the device. Eventually he tucked it away in a drawer, out of sight, out of mind, and settled in front of the telly to watch the news.

In what seemed like two hours instead of forty minutes there was a knock at his door. A heartbeat later he heard a key and before he could reach it, Maddie swung it open. Baby Jee stood at her side, holding her hand.

"Uncle Buck," she exclaimed, running toward him with her arms out.

He scooped her up. "My favorite girl."

Jee-Yun kissed him on the cheek, wrapping her little arms around his neck.

"Everything okay, little brother?"

"Fine."

Maddie flashed what he privately referred to as her puppy dog eyes, looking on the brim of crying. "Are you sure? Last time you went on a bender with Hen you donated sperm to an old friend. Is it because you and Tommy went you separate ways?"

A little? Funny, Karen asked the same thing. "Not really. Just a hiccup in the road of Buck."

Why am I lying? Surely some part of his current dilemma tied back to the failure of his first gay relationship, if it could even be called one. They shared a handful of dates, but more importantly Tommy helped him to see what he'd been hiding, the part of himself he denied, misunderstood for so long. Their parting ended up mutually as Tommy wanted more, and though Buck readily agreed, Tommy pointed out that Buck never once loved him.

Not the same way he loved Eddie.

"If you're sure…"

"I am. Can we go get my car now? I have a few things to do today."

"Of course."

XxXxXxXxXx

Buck sat behind the steering wheel of his Jeep, worrying his bottom lip. Retrieving the keys from Hen turned out to be easier said then done when he stupidly asked Maddie if she'd be willing to ask for them. His excuse, avoiding awkward conversations brought up by the manipulative touch of alcohol. When she pushed for him to elaborate further he wound up promising to tell her everything over dinner, just the two of them, a little sibling time. With everything they'd gone through together it made sense to read her in on this new development of his life, even if it was a train wreck. After all, she came to him, at least in part, when she decided to flee while dealing with postpartum.

Hen and Maddie had a brief exchange with Hen shooting questioning looks over Maddie's shoulder at him. He merely waved. No doubt she'd corner him at the firehouse first chance she got, especially once she picked up on the tension brewing between him and Eddie.

Unless they talked it out first.

Which was why he sat in front of Eddie's house.

He thought they might talk.

There was so much talking to do.

With a growing list of people.

"I wish you'd tell me what's up," Maddie said, handing him the keys through the open window. "I'm starting to get this feeling I'm missing something."

"Life isn't fair," he heard himself say. "Then again, may e this is my karmic payback from the universe."

"Evan…"

Karma.

Yeah, that made all the sense in the world. All the womanizing as an adult, all the stupid shit he did as a kid, all the stunts he pulled as a firefighter. All the people he kept letting down. He was due a karmic backlash.

And he figured that's why the driveway at Eddie's house sat empty