Perseus Jackson had gone through a lot in his life. Whether it be Titan slaying, Giant slaying, regular monster slaying, or just mouthing off to the closest god, he had done it all.
This, however? He was about to strangle the poorly hidden goddess responsible for this.
He had discovered an apple. Not just any apple. But THE apple. The very apple that had started a ten year war. The Trojan War, to be exact.
And as he held this apple, his eye twitched, because in addition to this apple came a few problems, as one would expect.
The 'problems', naturally, being the arranged goddesses before him.
"No." A very flat refusal. He already knew the dangers that lay in front of him, and he wasn't about to risk the world as he knew it over something this stupid.
"Aww, c'mon, Percy," Aphrodite cooed, blowing a kiss at him. "Just give the apple to which one of us is the prettiest, which is clearly me, and we'll just be on our way."
At least Hestia was looking at him apologetically, and Artemis looked like she'd rather be anywhere else but here. Hera and Athena, however, couldn't land on an expression that wasn't somewhere between constipated smile and imperious grimace.
"...You know that I'm fully aware that the Trojan War...well, happened, right? And that I have a girlfriend, right?" Percy asked irritably, and was satisfied that the goddesses had the decency to flinch at his words.
"Perseus," And what a shock it was, to see Athena trying so hard to be as polite as possible to him, "we are aware of our past...failings. However, I can assure you, this time, it will be a quick and painless decision. No wars, no revenge, nothing."
"...Uh huh. And what's stopping me from walking away and giving this apple to, say, Annabeth? You know, my girlfriend?"
"That's not how this works, Perseus Jackson!" Came the affronted cry of Eris, who was doing a very terrible job of hiding behind a nearby pillar, clearly waiting for him to cause World War III. "Pick one of the goddesses here as the most beautiful, and do it soon! I want to watch them fight-I mean, watch them all get along and have good feelings towards each other!"
Percy had to give the goddesses credit for all simultaneously rolling their eyes with him in perfect syncrhonization, because that meant at least they were aware what a farce this was. But still.
"No, I don't think I will. I am not signing the Greek and Roman worlds to war just for some stupid contest over a bit of vanity." Percy said, now tapping his foot.
Aphrodite frowned at him, although he did notice a sigh of relief coming from the other assorted goddesses.
"In any case, why only these five? Where's Demeter? Or any of the other goddesses? Did all of them laugh at this obvious joke of a competition?"
Was he courting a smiting? Sure, but honestly, after everything, he was about fed up with it all.
Eris clearly didn't know how to answer that, judging by her spluttering, and Percy just sighed.
Well, time for his seemingly weekly game of 'outsmart the deity'.
"...So I just have to pick one of the goddesses here, correct?" Percy glanced over at Eris, who nodded fervently, a grin appearing on her face.
If Percy was honest, if he had to pick one of the goddesses, he would probably pick Hestia, just to spite Eris (and honestly the others as well, minus Artemis), but there was an easier way to get out of this.
"Alright. Then I pick...you." And with that, Percy walked over to Eris, and deposited the apple into her confused hands. "There, you're the most beautiful goddess. Are we done here?"
Eris looked down at the apple, and then back up at Percy, and then back down at the apple. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed the others, jaws open, doing the same.
"What, is that against the rules, too?"
To Percy's utter amazement, Eris suddenly puffed up, which would almost be adorable if she wasn't...well, *Eris*.
"P-Perseus Jackson...you...you...stupid! You brute! You womanizer! I hate you!" And with that, the goddess of discord ran off into the streets of Olympus, vanishing from sight.
Percy would have taken the time to be amused, but he soon found himself besieged by the local scorned women, and only Hestia's skill at calming others saved him from being turned into a variant of seafood.
Annabeth sighed at him. "Seaweed Brain, I love you, but...was that really the smartest idea?"
Percy grimaced, and glanced to his right, where, just behind the nearest bush, he could clearly see a blushing Eris sitting, staring directly at him.
Oh, had he received an earful from a multitude of people, including but not limited to his father ("Really, Percy, I'm happy that you refused to play her game, but you could have picked...well, anyone but her."), Thalia ("Okay, I'm glad you didn't like, pick Artemis, because that would've been weird, but also, you should've gone with Artemis."), his mother ("I hope you know that a girl's heart is easily broken, Percy, and while I'm sure you didn't mean anything by it, you better do something nice for Annabeth later!"), and the spurned goddesses (well, Aphrodite, Hera and Athena, at least. Hestia gave him a grin, and Artemis settled for a grimace, but added a thankful nod).
That being said, he had clearly miscalculated, and now he had a goddess stalking him. One of the more troublesome out of all of them, and that was saying something.
So much for having a 'normal' life.
A/N: Just a little crackfic I had randomly been inspired by, and while I originally was just going to use the usual suspects, I decided that it would be a little funny to throw Hestia and Artemis in, if for no other reason than have a couple of goddesses who weren't interested in being picked (because Hestia would never allow herself to be picked, and Artemis likely wouldn't care in the first place). Also making Eris a tsundere (and a stalker one at that) just seemed kinda funny. There's no real reason for her to have done this a second time, mostly for the lulz, but Percy refusing to play along ended up backfiring on both of them. For now, back to attempting to write Parentage.