"Um…who stole the sofa?" Fred's confused voice sounded throughout the room as everyone returned from dinner.
"Don't be ridiculous," Ron scoffed, shoving past them, stopping abruptly next to his brother, before exclaiming loudly. "Someone stole the sofa!"
At the back, Hermione fought to contain her laugh, "Know something?" Ginny whispered.
She shook her head rapidly, "Liar," Ginny snorted. "Come on Granger, let a girl in on the secrets."
"Secrets?" Lavender demanded beside them, taking care to keep her voice low. "What secrets?"
"Our Hermione knows who has our sofa," Ginny breathed.

"Dorm, now!" Lavender commanded, snagging a startled Parvati's arm.

"Well?" three sets of eyes turned on her the minute the door was closed.
Hermione groaned and then she laughed. "Oh gods. Look I don't know for sure, but I'd put money on Theo having it."
"Theo?" Lavender frowned, "Nott? Why in the hell would Nott have our sofa?"
"Oh Merlin, this is embarrassing." Hermione groaned. "I…you know that Draco and I are…well…something."
"Snogging in alcoves and pretending to hate one another in public for the benefit of the oblivious duo downstairs, completely and utterly besotted with one another?" Ginny supplied with a nod.
"Right," she muttered, "well I might have visited the slytherin common room."
"You did?" Parvati breathed, "Is it as ridiculous as I imagine it is?"
"Worse!" Hermione exclaimed seemingly unable to hold it in, "Oh my gods, I'm surprised they don't all need glasses! It's gloomy Vati! Gloomy! And they have these hard leather sofas that you have to sit properly on or you slide off. And well I was teasing Theo…I might have…ah….well. He was pouting by the end of my gushing about how squishy our sofas are and how comfy and cosy. And Draco might have agreed."
"And how would Malfoy know that Miss Granger?" Lavender teased.
Ginny snorted, "Because she sneaks him in regularly when Ron and Harry have quidditch practice. I have to send a message when we're on our way back. You're lucky Angie favours mornings the same way Wood did or Seamus would have blurted it out by now."
"Seamus has known for months," Hermione dismissed.
"Really?"
"Yeah, we caught him and Dean sneaking downstairs before they were officially him and Dean."
"Oh god!" Ginny cackled. "I can only imagine how that went!"
"We cast privacy wards and remained on our respective sofas," Hermione informed her primly. "Or we did in the beginning."
"In the beginning?" Parvati squeaked.
"Well now we talk to each other for a bit first," Hermione smirked, a look that was far too reminiscent of her Slytherin corrupter. "Why, what did you think I meant?"
"Tease," Parvati snorted, shaking her head sending the rest of them into a fit of giggles. "But back to the point!"
"I think Theo stole it. He likes…comfort and decadence and well, colour quite frankly."
"You talk like you know him well,." Lavender hedged.
"He's Draco's best friend," Hermione shrugged, "he knew about us before anyone. And I like him. He's hilarious and bitchy and truthfully, I think you two would adore him."
Lavender and Parvati shared a look before turning as one to Hermione, "Introduce us?"
"Gods," Ginny groaned, "I don't think anyone's ready for that coalition! Weren't you complaining that individually they bullied you into enough outfits you weren't sure of?"
"Yes," Hermione whined, suddenly remembering why she kept her friends apart.
"Too late now," Lavender dismissed, "Merlin knows you cannot be trusted to dress yourself"
"That's what Theo says," she groused.
"Theo's right." Parvati agreed, "We know you don't care, so let us care for you."
Hermione's eyes narrowed but really, it was easy to agree, they were right, she didn't care, or not enough to put the effort in, but she did like the results of their interference so it was an easy concession to give. "Fine,"
"Good, now, how are we getting Nott back?" Ginny demanded.
A slightly sly contemplative smile appeared on Hermione's face. "We're stealing their coffee."
"What?" Ginny frowned looking utterly nonplussed, a look that was mirrored on the faces of her dormmates.
"Coffee. They have a coffee contraption that looks suspiciously like a muggle one so they can make their own coffee in the morning or well, they can help themselves to the pot the elves prepare in advance. Merlin knows you do not want to meet Theo or Draco without it."
"Are you sure it's safe to steal then?"
Hermione shrugged, "They stole our sofa!"
"Well then," Lavender grinned, "I do like the sound of coffee in the morning without a trek down all those stairs."
"Me too," Hermione admitted, "Gods we need to steal their beans too. They buy the most stupidly expensive, heavenly beans and they've ruined me for anything else."
The girls let out a laugh, "Argument for dating a Slytherin right there based on the look on your face!" Parvati noted with a grin. "I hear Zabini's not a bad catch."
"So the rumours say," Ginny agreed thoughtfully.
"Rumours he started himself," Hermione snorted. "He's only really got eyes for Hannah Abbott but her parents don't approve so they keep it quiet."
"No!" Lavender breathed.
"Yup."
"Miss Granger you've been holding out on us!" Parvati accused.
"So you won't know Neville has a thing with our dear beloved Nott?" Ginny checked with exaggerated innocence that was ruined entirely by her smirk.
"No!" Parvati and Lavender exclaimed as one, Lavender continuing, "I thought Neville was seeing Justin from Hufflepuff!"
"Nah, he's with Susan Bones." Parvati disagreed.
They fell into gossip and easy banter, safe in the knowledge that nothing they said would leave the dorm, deciding to enact their revenge the following night.

"You have the cloak?" Ginny checked softly.
Hermione humed, creeping down the corridor under a disillusionment, Parvati and Lavender behind them. As much as she hoped not to have to use it, she knew it was a good backup to have.
"Are they all likely to be asleep?" Lavender hissed into the space between Hermione and Ginny's ears.
"We're going to ask Dobby to check." Ginny whispered back.
Five minutes later, hovering next to the Slytherin entrance, the girls waited quietly for Dobby to reappear. "We should have asked Dobby to get it," Ginny muttered, fidgeting slightly.
"Can't," Hermione contradicted, "Parvati asked her elf, it goes against Hogwarts rules."
"Damn," she muttered just as Dobby reappeared in front of them.
"Dobby sees one wizard in the common room but the wizard is asleep," he informed them.
"Good. Quietly now," Ginny commanded, adding a "Thanks Dobby" in time with the other three.
"Nightshade," Hermione whispered, watching as the door opened and they stepped inside.
They all paused just past the doorway, wanting to laugh at the sight of Theodore Nott curled up on their sofa, looking utterly content and completely out of place with the rest of the room.
Silently Parvati, Ginny and Lavender crept over to one of the black leather sofas, sitting down experimentally, pulling a face simultaneously as the unyielding seat remained rock hard.
"Merlin I almost want to call this off," Parvati breathed, "Poor things need something comfortable. This is awful!"
"But wonderful for maintaining proper posture," Hermione muttered, "Which is of course what matters."
"Oh of course," Ginny laughed quietly, standing to join her. "Right, can we shrink that monstrosity?"
"On it," Hermione agreed, "Someone grab the grinder and the filters, gin you grab the beans. Maybe silence the bags first though."
"Good call."
They crept quietly out of the door, managing to reach their common room before descending into giggles. "Oh gods,they're going to avada us in the morning," Hermione laughed.
"Early breakfast?" Lavender suggested. "So we get the full effect?"
"Yes!" Parvati agreed.
"Let's set this up first," Hermione gestured towards their door. "Our room I think, just in case someone blabs. And then bed, although at least we'll be properly caffeinated even if we won't get enough sleep."

The morning found the girls, Neville, Seamus and Dean who had been let in on the plan sitting at the Gryffindor table looking suspiciously perky. One by one the Slytherins all trudged into the room, most of them looking exhausted and cross. Slinking into the room, Draco's eyes met his girlfriends and narrowed. Silently he nudged Theo, who cracked open an eye, glared suspiciously and then shut it again, allowing Draco to manoeuvre him into a bench.
It was all they could do not to give in to the laughter that wanted to erupt.
"Tactical retreat?" Dean suggested, his voice shaking slightly.
They nodded quickly, "Subtly." Lavender hissed. "Dean take Seamus and Gin."
"Neville go with Hermione," Ginny interjected.
"And then Lavender and I will go last." Parvati nodded.
One by one they left the table as suggested, each heading in a different direction leaving a confused frown on Draco's face. "I was sure it was them," Hermione heard him hiss to Theo.
Theo's sleepy, grumbling reply was lost in the noise of the Great Hall as Neville and Hermione escaped down to the greenhouses finally letting out their laughter.

Several hours later, Hermione jumped when she felt a hand slam down on her shoulder, scowling when she met Draco's amused face behind her. "Granger.
"Malfoy," she scoffed, turning back to the book in front of her.
He slid into the seat next to her, leaning into her space to whisper in her ear, "I believe you have something belonging to us, Granger."
"Oh?" Hermione arched a brow at him.
He scowled, "We know one of you has it."
"Has what?" she sighed exasperatedly, refusing to allow the expression to waver when Draco's face shifted from surety to confusion.
"Our coffee machine's missing," he admitted.
"Is that why Theo looked like he hadn't slept?"
"Yes," he grumbled, wrapping an arm around her, "You know we don't function well without it."
"You're fifteen," she nudged him with her elbow before relaxing into him with a contented sigh, her head dropping to his shoulder, "Your caffeine addiction cannot be healthy."
"I'm sixteen," Theo groused, dropping his bag onto the table in front of them. "My brain feels foggy."
"Poor Theo," Hermione cooed, "But surely you've commandeered a supply from the kitchen elves."
"It's not as good," he grumbled, dropping his head into his folded arms. "Don't like it."
"You are ridiculous," Hermione informed him fondly.
"You love me," he muttered, the sound muffled by his arms.
"Unfortunately," Hermione agreed with an exaggerated sigh.
"Oi!" Draco protested.
She lifted her head, looking at him questioningly. "What?
"You're not meant to tell my best friend you love him!"
"But I do." Hermione shrugged, "Sorry Malfoy, I only keep you around because I can't bear to share Theo."
"Told you," came Theo's smug reply followed by a yelp as Draco sent a stinging jinx at him.
"Take it back," Draco demanded.
"Hmmm," Hermione cocked her head, "No. I don't think I will."
"Take it back, Granger," he growled.
She eyed him speculatively, before shaking her head, "Still no."
"Take it back!" he demanded, his face inches from hers.
Darting forward, she kissed him, pulling back with a slightly impish smile, "No."
"Bloody infuriating witch," he muttered before kissing her properly.
"Enough!" Theo whined piteously. "My Gryffindors not here. Behave."
"He is in the greenhouses," Hermione offered, "All alone…."
"See you two lovebirds later!" Theo called, leaving Hermione and Draco blinking slightly dazedly at the place he'd been sitting as he all but bolted from the room.
"Merlin he is ridiculous," Draco muttered, before turning his attention back to Hermione. "Now, Miss Granger. Do you really not know anything about our missing coffee machine?"
"Why would i?" she shot back. "Although given that we appear to be missing a sofa, I can't say I'm surprised at the retaliation."
Draco frowned, seeming to believe she was being truthful, "Who else could gain access then?"
Hermione shrugged, "My money's on the twins."
"Fuck," he hissed, "I didn't consider them."
"Thanks," Hermione muttered sarcastically, "Your mind went automatically to me?"
"My mind always goes automatically to you." he smiled winingly.
"Cheesy, Malfoy, cheesy…."
He pouted in response.

"Someone stole our armchairs and our rug and the bloody tapestries!" Ron howled, his eyes wide and surprised as he surveyed the room. "It's almost bloody empty!"
"They took the lamps too," Dean noted as he stopped behind Ron.
"Someone took our lamps!" Ron howled as he realised Dean was correct.
"Oh this is getting ridiculous," Hermione muttered, eyeing Ginny who nodded minutely, following her up the stairs to the dorm.
"Plan?" Ginny demanded.
"Plan?" Lavender frowned, eyeing them sleepily, helping herself to a large cup of coffee from the machine they'd hidden in their dorm. "For what?"
"Theo's been to visit again," Hermione muttered. "Presumably with help."
"Oh for the love of magic, what did they steal this time?"
"Most of the sodding common room," Hermione groused.
"Well then," Parvati began bracingly, inhaling the scent of coffee from the mug in front of her. "Plan?"
Hermione hummed, "Two fold. Let's confuse them."
"Oh?"
A slow smirk travelled over her face, "Their dorm rules are the same as ours. I think we can work with that. And we need the twins."
"We need the twins," Ginny agreed. "Upper years House meeting?"
"Upper years House meeting," the girls agreed.

The three upper years plus Ginny reconvened in the common room after breakfast, shoving the study tables together, the older years transfiguring random objects into chairs for them.
"Right, it seems as if our esteemed Miss Granger and our sister have an idea of what's going on." Fred announced, quieting the room.
"You do?" Ron demanded.
"We have an inkling," Hermione agreed, "Now. Slytherin is stealing our stuff, which means we need to retaliate."
"We need to retaliate, " the twins repeated in unison, "Miss Granger who corrupted you?"
Hermione shoved Ginny at her badly concealed cough of "Malfoy."
"Now, we thought we might steal the boys beds. I'm relatively sure that it's the boys from our year that are doing this, I need to speak to someone to confirm."
"Who?" Ron demanded.
"None of your business," Hermione shot back quickly.
"If it is Slytherin what pissed them off so much they took almost everything?" Lee asked before spotting the looks on several of the younger years' faces, "Granger?"
"We might have stolen their coffee machine," she muttered, flushing.
"Why?" Lee checked slowly.
"Because most of them don't function without it," she admitted, "and it's so good Lee!"
"It really is," Parvati agreed.
"Samples or it's not true."
With a sigh, Lavender retrieved the pot, pouring Lee a cup. He doctored the mug to his liking then took a sip, groaning. "Right, I don't care what the fuck they steal, we're keeping this."
"Is that good?" Angelina demanded.
"Better," he moaned, cradling the cup to his chest when she went to take it. "No! Mine!"
With a huff, Lavender filled several mugs sending them towards those who indicated they wanted them.
"Merlin I'm beginning to understand why they retaliated so harshly," Katie muttered.
"Which doesn't excuse it," George announced, taking a sip, eyeing his mug and following it up with a larger gulp., "Gods it's really good though."
The girls laughed, "We need a plan," they prompted.
"We need a plan," the others agreed. "I assume taking their beds wasn't the only idea?"
"Well…we thought we might leave the rest up to you."
"Leave it up to us," Fred muttered thoughtfully. "We don't really want their stuff, it's rubbish. But we do have those bubbles we wanted to try."
"What do they do?" Harry checked.
"Theoretically, they change your skin colour when you touch them, we've made pink, blue, green, purple and rainbow." George began slowly.
"Those ones work," Fred agreed. "What we've not managed is to ensure the effects of touching more than one is uniform."
"What do you mean?" Alicia frowned looking faintly alarmed.
"Well stripes, polkadots, paint splatters, half and half, squares…there are lots of options."
"Wow," Lavender breathed, before eyeing Hermione and whispering, "We're warning Parkinson, right."
"Yes," she muttered, "I like my person unhexed."
At her side Ginny snorted, knowing no one would believe Hermione and Pansy were friends but silently agreeing that a pissed of Parkinson was not in any of their best interests.
"Um…Why aren't we just taking our stuff back?" Dean checked.
"Where's the fun in that?" the twins chorused.
He groaned, "Merlin's tits. I want it noted that I think this is going to end really, really badly."
"Noted," Lavender agreed.
"And dismissed," Ginny grinned, sending Dean's head into the cradle of his arms to stifle his groan of defeat.

"They've taken our beds!" Draco howled.
"Beds?" Crabbe frowned, "Who's taken our beds?"
"I don't fucking know," he groused.
Downstairs, Pansy smirked, "You know something!" Daphne accused.
"I know that Theo shouldn't have started this," she replied pointedly.
"But look how happy he is with his sofa!" Daphne protested, pointing at the boy who was curled in a happy little ball of cushions and blankets, ignoring the commotion going on in his dorm.
"And the rest?" Pansy checked.
"You mean the armchair we're currently sitting on?"
"And the other four and the other two sofas and the rugs and the lights and that red monstrosity decorating our walls."
"Yes well, they might have gone overboard." Daphne admitted.
"You think?" Pansy muttered, "also. Shield around your entire person before coming downstairs tomorrow."
"I knew you knew something!" Daphne groused.
"Year Meeting!" Draco called, barrelling back downstairs.
"Really?" Pansy sighed.
"They stole our beds!"
"You stole their entire common room."
"Not all of it!"
Pansy slowly looked around the room, before arching her eyebrow pointedly at Draco. "You can't have left much."
He flushed. "It's comfier. And they stole our coffee!"
"I know." Pansy agreed, patting the flask Hermione had handed her. Confusing though she found muggles, some of their inventions were genius and this little flask thing that kept her supplied with hot coffee that Hermione had charmed to refill from their pot was nothing short of amazing.
Daphne's eyes narrowed, "Share! Now!" she hissed.
"Not here," Pansy muttered in return.
"Right what are we doing about this!" Draco demanded.
"I don't see why we need to do anything," Pansy drawled, "Our beds are in our dorm."
"But ours aren't! They can't get away with this! And our coffee!"
Pansy sighed heavily, "I want it noted that I think this is an awful idea."
"Noted," Blaise replied, "Now what are we going to do?
A slow smirk travelled over Theo's face. "Remember the nightmare that was Sir Cadogan?"
"Yes." Blaise agreed hesitantly.
"Who's the only person worse?"
"Marianne," Draco replied promptly.
"Marrianne," he agreed.
Pansy sighed heavily. "I'll say something wonderfully moving at your funerals."
"The Weasley twins won't murder us." Draco dismissed.
Pansy's eyebrow arched in genuine surprise at his stupidity. "Granger," she replied slowly, noting the way he paled as the implications sunk in.
"I…I can handle Granger." he retorted, sounding so unsure that Blaise laughed.
"You keep telling yourself that mate."

A livid and purple and green spotty Draco Malfoy stormed into the Great Hall, marching towards the Gryffindor table.
With matching looks of alarm, Harry and Ron's wands slid into their hands as he headed right for them.
"Granger!" he growled.
"Malfoy," Hermione returned innocently.
"Granger why the fuck am I green!"
"Well you like green." she replied slowly trying not to laugh.
"Granger!" he growled.
"Yes, Malfoy," she replied with exaggerated patience. Across the table, Ginny, lavender and Neville weren't bothering to hide their laughter.
"You are infuriating." he hissed, hauling her to her feet, ignoring Harry and Ron's protests. "I am green!"
"And purple."
"And…what?" he howled. She very helpfully handed him the mirror Parvati passed her. "I have purple spots!"
"Yes."
"Fix it!" he demanded, looking furious when instead she began to laugh so hard she was clutching him, tears streaming down her face. Reluctantly, he wrapped his arms around her to keep her upright, tightening them when she caught sight of a yellow and pink striped Theo alongside a blue and orange chequered Zabini.
"Can't breathe!" she gasped, burying her head into the crook of his neck. "Oh god, Draco you all look ridiculous!"
"We know," he growled. "Fix it!"
"Cant!" she gasped, her breathing coming in harsh pants.
"What do you mean you can't?" he checked, his voice low and dangerous.
"I have no idea what caused it," she lied when she had finally caught her breath.
"No idea," he checked, his eyes roaming her face.
"I might make it worse," she replied entirely truthfully.
"How long is this going to last, Granger?" he sighed finally.
Hermione smirked, "At least three hours. Perhaps four?"
His head dropped onto her shoulder, "I thought you loved me."
Ignoring Ron's scandalised, "You what?" from beside her, Hermione hummed, "I do love you. But I'm also rather fond of sofas in the common room."
"Pansy knew," he muttered in response, lifting his head, "That little traitor." He glared down at his girlfriend. "She's my friend."
"Mine too."
"No really, you what?" Ron demanded.
"She was mine first!" Draco whined, ignoring him.
"I like her better," Pansy grinned, sauntering over. "The first years are having a ball, touching as many of those bubbles as they can. The effects are…interesting." she nodded to Harry and Ron, "Finally decided to tell them then?"
"Les of a decision and more of an ambush to be honest," Hermione shrugged, laughing at Dracos offended, "Oi!" as he tugged her into him. Going willing, Hermione eyed her friends who looked confused.
"How long has this been going on?" Harry checked.
Lavender scoffed from across the table. "Since last year you oblivious idiot! They were not discreet."
"We were…" Draco began before Hermione shook her head, cutting him off.
"Yeah no, we absolutely were not. Sirius wrote to me three weeks after we agreed to see where things went asking me if I was sure while officially welcoming me into the family, remember?"
"God's I'd forgotten that," he muttered, "I just remember how mortified we both were."
"Not half as bad as the contraception chat your mother and Remus forced us into," she muttered. He shuddered, the colours on his skin turning slightly more pastel as he paled.
"Fuck that was awful. I'd blocked that memory from my head."
"When was that?" Harry howled.
"Last Easter," Hermione replied promptly. "When I came to stay with you."
"How did I miss that!"
"You and Ron went flying." Hermione shrugged. Harry blinked back at her in confusion, resolving to have a chat with his godfather and uncle.
"Why didn't you tell us?"
"You don't exactly hide that you don't like one another. And I had intended to…I sort of assumed you were deliberately ignoring it to be honest."
Harry frowned as something occurred to him. "Are you the reason Narcissa and Sirius speak now?"
"Partially," Draco admitted. "Mother was curious about Hermione and knew that you were friends and that she spent a lot of time at yours. Her willingness to prove she's changed her previous opinions meant he was willing to speak to her."
"Anything else we've missed?" he checked.
Neville cleared his throat, his hand clasped in Theo's. "Oh for fucks sake," Harry muttered. "Common room meeting after dinner."
"Aye-Aye commander." Hermione sassed.
"Am I invited?"
"No!" Hermione and Neville retorted as one, leaving Theo pouting.
"We can't afford any more of your visits."

"So, over a year?" Harry probed looking at Hermione, the hurt unmistakable.
"Over a year," she agreed with a sigh.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I…honestly, I really did think you were deliberately ignoring it. And I thought that that told me everything I needed to know. I'm sorry I should have said something."
"We dont hate him you know," Ron piped up, flushing as her eyebrow raised. "I mean we don't like him….but if you're with him surely there's something redeemable about him."
"He has less expectations now Lucius is in Azkaban," Hermione murmured. "I think he was more relieved than you that Riddle was defeated in second year."
"Why?" Ron frowned.
"Because Lucius was grooming him to be exactly like him? He was…vile. And it's not my story to tell but there is a reason Narcissa waited as long as she did to reach out to Sirius. I was just an excuse."
"Fuck," Harry muttered, running a hand through his hair. "Look I…I can't say I like it, but I'm willing to be proven wrong." he reached over, "You're family. Hell, Sirius and Remus would make it official if you'd let them." he paused, pitching his voice louder as she went to speak, "And I know you won't, your parents are awesome, which is why they are seriously considering having Sirius adopt your dad as a brother instead. They seem to think it's a win for everyone.."
Hermione snorted, "So I was hearing." she shuddered, "Which would make Draco and I cousins."
"Removed somewhere," Ron shrugged, "Either way, seems quite fitting for a Black."
He yelped when Hermione sent a stinging jinx at his arm, despite that, he grinned. "What do you think they'll do next?" Harry asked into the silence.
"I dread to think," Hermione muttered, "Maybe we need to arrange peace talks."

"That is not the Fat Lady," Seamus mused as they trudged back towards the common room to drop off their bags before dinner.
"Shit," Neville cursed, his face the picture of horror.
"Shit?" Seamus repeated, "Shit what?"
"It's Marianne!" he groaned.
"Marrianne?" Hermione repeated her voice shrill, shoving her way to the front. "I am going to fucking avada them," she breathed.
"Ok, who or what is Marrianne?" Ron demanded.
"Her." Hermione growled gesturing at the smugly smiling portrait.
"Password?" she asked sweetly.
"Will it matter?" Neville muttered.
"Right mate, seriously, what?" Seamus demanded.
"Marrianne has…an interesting interpretation of the rules and acceptable conversations."
"What?"
"She likes being difficult and embarrassing people." Fred supplied with a grin, appearing behind them before sauntering to the front. "Oh lovely Marianne, how are you this fine evening?" The portrait batted her eyelashes and giggled. "Now why don't you let all these nosy parkers into the dorm and I'll fill you in on what's been happening."
They all breathed a collective sigh of relief when Marrianne obligingly swung forward.
"Plan?" Ginny checked.
Hermione tossed her curls over her shoulder. "We're going to steal Salazar."
Neville spun to look at her, "Really?" he squeaked.
"Yes," she growled. "And if we can't remove that bloody portrait we're going to ransom him."
"Who or what is Salazar?" Harry frowned.
"Their snake." Neville replied dryly. "Apparently its such a cliche its clever. Or so Theo would have us believe."
"I really don't think that's how that works," Ginny muttered.

"Half of Gryffindor slept outside their portrait hole last night," Blaise informed the common room. "Prepare for backlash."
"Fuck, I thought Marrianne would let them in eventually."
"Nope." Blaise popped the p sounding far too gleeful. "Granger was amongst them." Draco paled as he clapped him on the shoulder. "It was nice knowing you mate. You survived Granger's wrath far, far longer than I had expected."
Wide-eyed Draco turned to Pansy frantically, "Not a chance." she spoke before he could open his mouth. "I warned you."
"Salazar's gone!" Theo's panicked scream interrupted them.
Pansy sighed heavily, taking a swig from her thermos wishing it was a hip flask instead. Perhaps she could convince Hermione to make one of those refills, Morganna knew with all the ridiculousness going on at the moment she needed one.
"Of course he has," Daphne sighed, "Granger and Longbottom had to sleep outside their common room because you replaced their portrait with the most temperamental, petty one in the castle. For the love of Circe, what did you expect to happen?"
Theo froze, "She actually made them sleep outside?"
"Yes!" Pansy exclaimed. "Pucey was laughing about it so I asked Dixie to check. She confirmed."
"Then honestly I'm impressed we're still alive," Theo admitted, pausing before continuing quiet "They won't hurt Salazar will they?"
"Hermione Granger, the bleeding heart of Hogwarts hurt an innocent? Don't be ridiculous," Pansy scoffed.
He looked slightly less worried despite his next words, "I don't think Draco and I count as innocents."
"Decidedly not." Pansy informed him primly, Daphne and Tracy nodding alongside her.
"Just keep us out of it," Millie sighed, "Granger's terrifying and knowing our luck she'll involve the Weasley twins again."
"Fuck," Theo hissed, turning to Draco. "Do you think grovelling on our knees would help?"
"No," he muttered shakily. "Unless we do it in the Great Hall."
"Done," Theo agreed quickly.

"Are we going to put a stop to this now?" Minerva's voice sounded around the staffroom, trying to sound stern but really fighting the urge to laugh. Merlin knew that they got precious little entertainment here and it had been endlessly amusing to bet on what the children were planning next.
"Must we?" Severus checked.
"Half of Gryffindor tower was locked out of their common room last night," Minerva reminded him, flinging a nearby paperweight at him when he merely grinned smugly.
"I know."
"I suppose it is time to return things to where they belong," Albus sighed.
"Oh let Theodore Nott keep one of the armchairs!" Pomona interjected. "He looked so cosy on that stolen sofa and those leather ones are atrocious."
"They are traditional and teach…" Severus began, his eyes widening when Filius flicked his wand at the seat he was sitting in, replicating the feeling of the armchairs from the other three houses. Severus wriggled, paused, squirmed again and then let out a sigh. "I stand corrected."
Minerva snorted loudly, muttering, "I'm sure it's much more comfortable having something to cushion that giant stick you have up your arse."
"It's a plug, Minerva," he countered without missing a beat. "Perhaps you should try one. An orgasm might loosen you up."
"Are you permanently edging then?" Minerva shot back, "Explains how tense you are."
Next to them, their co-Heads of House looked torn between laughter and horror.
"I heard beads were the new plug," Albus mused idly, solidifying the thought that horror was winning out over amusement. "Do you think the type of bead matters? I have some interesting pearl necklaces in my vault."
Eyes saucer-like in their horror, Severus stared at him, before looking at Minerva, silently commanding her to explain.
"Don't you look at me like that Severus Snape! You started this!"
"I didn't start this!" he protested, "You started it!"
Pomona sighed, putting on her most patient voice, "I think the type of beads matter, Albus. Leave those necklaces in your vault, you do not want to have to visit Poppy because the string on one of them broke. Madam Noir has an owl order service, I'll get you a catalogue." she shrugged when her colleagues gaped at her. "Rolanda and I enjoy new toys every now and then."
"I don't think I'll ever have sex again at this rate." Severus breathed looking nauseous.
Pomona patted his shoulder consolingly, "It's not like you were getting much anyway dear. Perhaps one of Madam Noir's new dolls? I hear they can make them animated now."
Finally, as the sheer absurdness of the conversation hit him, Filius let out a giggle that turned into huge guffaws of laughter, shaking his entire body, and leaving him in tears. His laughter was the only sound in the stunned silence of the room.

The teachers watched from the top table, as Draco Malfoy and Theodore Nott walked into the Great Hall and immediately got on their knees in front of Hermione Granger. The witch smirked, arching a brow in eerie mimicry of her potions professor. Several coins hastily traded hands.
"Yes?"
"We're sorry. So very sorry."
"For?" she prompted.
"We didn't think Marianne wouldn't let you in! We just wanted to get you back for stealing our beds!"
"And that makes it alright does it?"
"No!" they shook their head frantically, "Please don't hex us!"
Hermione frowned slightly, a slight flash of hurt travelling across her face that Draco caught, standing abruptly, wrapping her in a hug.
"You're slightly terrifying sometimes," he muttered, "and we really are sorry."
"You can apologise in the form of a lifetime supply of those coffee beans" she retorted before continuing in a smaller voice, "Did you really think I'd hex you?"
"No," he replied slowly at exactly the same time as Theo answered "Yes."
"Look Granger, Draco's broken nose is a really good reminder to be wary of your temper when you're cross. And you did sleep outside in the corridor. We were covering all bases."
"Surprisingly wise," Neville muttered before glaring at Theo. "Where's my apology?"
A slightly wicked smirk crossed Theo's face as he shuffled forward still on his knees, his hands clasped and extended beseechingly, "Oh dearest darling, love of my life…."
"Alight maybe not," Neville tried to interrupt, as Draco sat down at the Gryffindor table, Hermione on his lap, his eyes moving rapidly between both boys as if scared to miss the drama.
"No, no, no." Theo argued, "You deserve only the best of apologies!"
"Gods, breakfast and a show," Lavender laughed, "come on Nott get on with it!"
"As I was saying…" he began.
With a sigh, knowing Theo was going to ensure he was thoroughly embarrassed, Neville hauled him to his feet and kissed him just long enough to disorientate him before shoving a slice of toast in his mouth. Before Theo could process, he quickly unwound Salazar from Hermione's neck and dropped him into Theo's hands.
"Salazar!" Theo exclaimed before cooing at the snake. Realising that he was sufficiently distracted, Neville slumped onto the bench with a relieved sigh.
"Let's get you home!" Theo continued to coo at the snake, leaving the Great Hall much to everyone's disappointment that the drama they had been anticipating had come to nothing.

Ten minutes later, curled up in a black but incredibly squashy armchair with Salazar, Theo burrowed into his little pile of blankets and let out a contented sigh.