Bruce Wayne was not a good man.
A good man didn't need rules, and Bruce had many of them written in blood on the skin of those he failed. A good man certainly didn't need a rule against killing, and a good man wouldn't need to have a body count in the hundreds before making such a rule. However, that was what Bruce had needed before he had made a rule to never take a life again. A good man wouldn't struggle so much to follow that self-imposed rule either, but, to Bruce, that rule often felt like a line in the sand in the face of a rising tide.
Bruce always felt like he was on the edge and that it wouldn't take much for him to slip back into those old habits, even all these years after leaving the League. When Jason died, Bruce was prepared to kill the Joker. He thought he had, albeit indirectly, when he brought down the helicopter Joker had commandeered. Even more recently, Bruce had left KGBeast crippled in the middle of a Siberian Tundra. The broken neck Bruce had left the assassin with wasn't necessarily lethal, but it was unlikely that he would be found and treated before he succumbed to the cold. A good man would have taken KGBeast to get medical treatment. A good man would have felt remorse for taking a life, even one as depraved as Joker's or Anatoli's. Bruce didn't. The only regret Bruce had was that Joker had survived the crash and that he couldn't guarantee that KGBeast would never again be able to harm his family.
Bruce knew he could rectify both of those regrets, but he couldn't allow himself to actively, personally snuff out someone's life. Not anymore. Even if he disregarded the spirit of his rule against killing, he needed to at least follow the letter of it. He knew he had no right to sentence someone to death, not when anyone would be well within their rights to sentence Bruce to the same. Clark would probably say that Bruce was being too harsh on himself, but Clark didn't know the depths of Bruce's crimes. Clark knew Bruce had killed before, but Clark didn't know that Bruce had the blood of hundreds on his hands. That Bruce was the best assassin the League had ever produced.
Ra's and Talia were the only ones who knew the details of Bruce's actions during his time with the League of Assassins. They were the only ones who knew that he hadn't just trained by the League, but that he had truly believed in Ra's al-Ghul. They were the only ones that knew the "World's Greatest Detective" hadn't been able to see Ra's and his cult for what they were.
Bruce had taken to Ra's teachings like a fish took to water, it was why he had been made the Demon's Heart and Ra's al-Ghul's heir. Ra's gave Bruce a direction for his purpose, and Bruce had really, truly believed that he was doing the right thing. That by killing these criminals, he would prevent any more children from going through what he had.
By the time Bruce had come to his senses, the blood of hundreds stained his hands. He didn't know how many of those people were really guilty of a crime other than crossing the Demon's Head. The first people Ra's had sent him against were the worst of the worst, but over time, Bruce stopped looking deeper into the people Ra's had him target. He let the trust and belief he had in Ra's and his cause lull him into complacency. He swore that he would never allow that to happen again.
Bruce returned home to Alfred and never spoke of what he did while with the League. There were some days when it almost seemed like Alfred knew what Bruce was hiding. It wouldn't surprise him, Bruce had never been very good at keeping things from Alfred, but he could never be sure. If Alfred did know, he never brought it up. Talia and Ra's never mentioned it either when Bruce fought them. He wasn't sure why they didn't, what they were planning to do with that information, but Bruce couldn't help but be grateful. It meant that he could still keep this particular bit of his past from his children. He didn't like to imagine what would happen if they found out, but he didn't imagine the outcome would be positive.
Dick had never shied away from calling Bruce out on his faults, but he also always seemed to believe the best in Bruce. They had always been able to reconcile before, but Bruce was certain that this would cross the line. Dick would finally see that Bruce wasn't the man his son seemed to believe him to be. Similarly, Cassandra would see that Bruce was no better than David Cain. They would see that Bruce was far too broken and angry and dark to ever be the father they deserve. They would both walk out and never come back.
He had considered telling Jason of his past before. First, when Jason was struggling with finding out that Two Face had killed his father. He was worried that Jason would want to repay the villain in kind, but his son was so much stronger than Bruce had ever been and let the police take Two Face to face judgment. Bruce had been so proud and also relieved that he wouldn't have to share something that may change the way his son looked at him.
Then after Jason had died and returned to life, Bruce thought that Jason already knew about Bruce's bloody past. He'd assumed that Talia would have told him, but it became clear that either Talia hadn't told him or Jason didn't believe her. He wondered, sometimes, if it would have helped his second son understand why Bruce couldn't kill the Joker. He was a coward though and feared that revealing just how much of a hypocrite he is would just push his son even further away. He feared that it would just fuel the ever-present belief that Bruce just didn't love Jason enough to avenge his death.
Tim's disappointment would possibly hurt the worst. He had always believed the best in Batman, in Bruce even after having seen him at his worst. If Tim learned that, deep down, Bruce was every bit that vengeful, violent man Tim had tried to save, he would realize how many years of his life had been wasted trying to help a man no better than the one who had murdered his father.
Damian, at least, Bruce didn't have to wonder about. He grew up hearing stories about that time of Bruce's life from Talia and Ra's. Bruce's actions were the standard to which Damian was expected to measure up. He and Bruce had spoken about it some, and his ability to help his son come to terms with his past actions had been the only good thing to come from it. But in the end, even Damian wouldn't stay with Bruce if this were revealed to his other children. There's no way Dick would allow his baby brother to stay with a murderer.
Unfortunately, there was no more running from that part of his past. It had finally caught up to him and now he had to face his judgment. He had been spared from death by the person who most deserved to be his executioner, but he arrived home to a different jury. His children (with the exception of Damian who was still at school for another half hour) were waiting for him in his study when he arrived home.
It happened when he was Bruce Wayne, not Batman, so when the young woman pulled a gun on him, Bruce couldn't do anything.
"Do you remember me?"
He did. Even 20 years later, she still had the same look in her eyes as she did as a child. That pain and hatred towards the ones who had taken her parents away from her.
Dick and Jason all but ambushed him as soon as he was in the room. They confronted him with footage from a security camera. Barbara must have sent it to them, but then again, the source didn't really matter.
"Is what she said true?" Dick asked.
They already knew the answer. This was just Dick giving him a chance, wanting to believe the best in him. Even after all the times Bruce had let him down, Dick kept giving Bruce more chances to disappoint him.
He had been sent to kill a couple. Criminals, but of what variety, Bruce wasn't sure. All he knew was that if Ra's was targeting them then the world would be a better place without them. It was a simple mission for Bruce, both targets were dead before either had hit the floor. He could've made it more painful, but the risk of discovery by one of the neighbors was too high.
"Mom? Dad?"
For the first time since the night in the alley twelve years ago, Bruce froze.
Bruce sat heavily in the office chair, too emotionally exhausted to muster up any emotion, but pure resignation.
This wasn't how it was supposed to go. He had been trying to prevent this from happening to any other child. These people were supposed to be criminals, the scum of the earth. Not a mother and father.
Bruce didn't remember if the child said anything else before he fled from the scene. All he could remember was the look in her eyes. It was the same look he saw in the mirror every morning and it was because of him. And now those same eyes were burning into him from behind the barrel of a gun.
"It's true. Ra's al-Ghul ordered them dead and I killed them," He said. There was no justification for what he had done, and he wouldn't try to give any.
She couldn't go through with it, in the end. She lowered the gun and was taken in by the police. No one believed that Bruce Wayne had actually killed her parents. Anyone who actually knew Bruce could see that he had.
"I always knew you were full of shit, but this is a new level," Jason's voice was tight with some emotion Bruce didn't have the energy to decipher, "Y'know, I never believed Talia when she claimed that you were the best assassin the League had ever produced. I didn't think even you could be that much of a hypocrite. Looks like you proved me wrong."
Jason grabbed the front of Bruce's shirt and pulled him up, forcing Bruce to meet his eyes. Dick didn't move to intervene. Bruce felt his gut churn.
"You've killed before, people who probably didn't even deserve it. So why is that fucking clown still alive?"
Bruce heard the real question hidden behind the anger
"I'm sorry," Bruce said.
Jason scoffed and let go of Bruce's shirt.
"You're pathetic," Jason declared and stormed out of the room, taking a piece of Bruce's heart with him.
"I'll go after him," Dick said after a few moments of silence, "Make sure he doesn't do anything too stupid. I wish you had told me B,"
Those words calmed some of the anxiety left behind in the wake of this. It signaled that maybe things weren't completely unsalvageable, at least with Dick. He still had two other children who hadn't made their opinions known.
"Do you two have anything you want to add?"
Bruce had prepared himself for more accusations, for anger or disappointment. But he wasn't prepared for Cass to hug him.
"Knew you killed before," Cass said slowly. Her face scrunched up as she tried to put together the words she wanted to say. She made a few aborted starts before stepping back from the hug so she could sign instead.
You were like me, Cass signed at him, You were a killer, but you felt shame, guilt. You stopped, like me.
"No, I was never near as strong as you, Cass," Bruce said, making sure all his admiration for his daughter shone through in his body, "You were raised to kill and rejected it. I was raised knowing that it was wrong and I chose to kill,"
But you changed, Cass argued passionately, You changed like I changed. Like people we save. You saved yourself first, now you save others. You saved me.
"I already knew too," Tim admitted, "I found out while I was with the League. I saw the records of your time with them, and Ra's liked to bring it up when I refused to kill," Tim shrugged with a feigned nonchalance, "He's a hard man to refuse and he knew that. I think that's why he liked to bring it up,"
Bruce knew what Tim was trying to say, but it wasn't any excuse for his actions.
"I know it doesn't negate what you've done," Tim said before Bruce could interject, "I just meant that, I understand it. If I didn't have you, if I hadn't had Batman and Robin, I don't know that I would have been able to hold out."
Bruce was overwhelmed suddenly by awe for his children. He had been certain that none of them would want anything more to do with him. He thought that they would finally look at the broken man he was and realize that he wasn't worth both Tim and Cass had known and hadn't immediately walked away. He needed to stop underestimating how good and amazing his children were. He pulled them both into a tight hug.
"Thank you."
Bruce and Dick did speak later that night after they had returned from patrol. It went better than Bruce had expected and with significantly less yelling than their conversations of this type normally contained. It seemed that Dick was more upset that Bruce had kept this from him than by the fact that Bruce had killed in his past. Maybe he shouldn't be surprised, Dick and Jason's relationship had improved significantly since where they had been when Jason had first returned to Gotham even with Jason continuing to dole out the occasional death penalty.
Jason, who Bruce, a week later Bruce still had yet to hear from. Dick had told him to give Jason some space, that he just needed some time to come around, but Bruce wasn't so optimistic. They had come a long way in improving their relationship, but it was still incredibly shaky, owing to Bruce's continual refusal to kill the Joker and his disapproval of Jason's methods of cleaning up Crime Alley. Jason had pushed Bruce away for less and Bruce wasn't sure that this wouldn't be the final straw in their relationship.
It was nearly two weeks after the incident that Jason returned to the manor to confront him.
"Bruce," Jason said neutrally, leaning against the study doorway.
"Jason," Bruce greeted awkwardly, setting aside the WE paperwork he'd been reviewing, "Did you need something?"
"Yeah, matter of fact, I do." Jason pushed off the wall and moved forward to slam his hands on Bruce's desk. "An explanation."
"An…explanation?" Bruce was caught off guard. Generally, Jason didn't care for Bruce's reasons
"Yeah, for why you won't kill the Joker," Jason's neutrality melted away to reveal the anger that Bruce always managed to evoke, "The real reason."
"I never lied to you, Jay," Bruce said, "I can't go back to who I was back then. I-"
Bruce paused for a moment to collect his thoughts. Jason did deserve a better explanation.
"While I was with the League, I let the anger and the pain inside drive me. I thought killing would end the pain. I thought that if I could kill all the monsters in dark alleys out there, I could finally heal. I was wrong. Killing…all it did was spread my pain with others. It didn't heal me. It blinded me.
"Protecting Gotham, helping others, caring for you and your siblings, that's what healed me.
"When I lost you… I lost myself again. The pain was blinding me again, I was prepared to do what it took to kill the Joker. I was sure if I did then the pain would stop. I would have killed him, if the government hadn't called in Superman to stop me."
Bruce paused for a moment. He needed to say this correctly.
"I was angry, at the time. I didn't care that it would cause an international incident. All I knew was that the Joker was a monster who took you from me and that I couldn't live in a world where your murderer got to walk free.
"I had hoped he had died when I took down his helicopter. We never fished up his body, but he was presumed dead. By the time I found out that wasn't the case, I had Tim to think about."
Jason scoffed.
"I did wrong by you Jason, I know that. I failed you as a father and as a partner. When Tim showed up, with the knowledge of our identities and a firm belief that Batman needed a Robin, he reminded me of you so much that it hurt. I knew that I couldn't fail another son, that I had to be a better man.
"I wasn't good at it. I nearly killed the Joker again and was stopped. It would have been so easy, and that's the problem for me. I'm good at killing. I was the Demon's Heart, the heir to the Demon's Head, the best assassin Ra's al-Ghul had ever trained. It would be too easy for me to slip back into that role, and I don't want to have to kill hundreds in order to get out of it.
"So, I'm sorry Jaylad. I'm sorry that I can't give you what you need, but my weakness has nothing to do with how much I love you, son."
Jason's silence hung over Bruce like the hangman's ax.
"I still think you're full of shit," Jason declared after what felt like eternity, "but I guess I get it,"
Bruce found himself, once again, overwhelmed by love for his children, and their ability to forgive his many, many flaws. He wouldn't have blamed any of them for walking out on him for any number of things in the past, but they kept giving him another chance. He didn't deserve them. Bruce stood from his desk and pulled Jason into an awkward hug, earning an indignant squawk from his Jaylad.
"Fuck off, old man," Jason said, but there wasn't really any heat behind it. Jason, tellingly, did not pull away from the hug. "This doesn't mean we're cool or anything, you're still the biggest fucking hypocrite on the planet. And you don't get to give me anymore shit for killing. None."
His biggest secret, his deepest shame was revealed to his children and he didn't lose everything because of it. Bruce wasn't a good man. It still haunted him, how easy it was for him to kill and how close he was at any time to crossing that line once again. Bruce wasn't a good man, he wasn't sure he ever would be, but he could try. He would try and keep trying, so that maybe, one day, he could be at least a fraction of the man his children seemed to believe he was.