Until it is Gone.
Months passed.
James and Narcissa had continued to dance around one another in class, in the corridor. Being polite, but aware of the chasm between them. Then suddenly the school was afloat of the news that James Potter and Lily Evans had been seen together. Were dating.
Narcissa couldn't even feel angry, she had started this whole thing by turning up with Lucius to King's Cross. Still, it was strange. She could still remember when she had started seeing James and feeling jealous of Lily. She had seen how James had fawned over Lily in their early school years, she felt sure she was his second choice. That given the chance he would choose the colourful Gryffindor, who seemed to suit him so much better, but he hadn't. Now, when she saw how James would still glimpse at her, when talking to Lily, she almost felt sorry for the other girl.
She continued to write to Lucius, she wasn't sure why, other than the fact that he treated her like royalty. As time crept by, he started to suggest that she spend some time over Christmas at his family home. In separate rooms, of course. Narcissa was tempted, when Sirius had left so abruptly over summer, the tone amongst everyone in their family changed. It had made her miss James all the more, especially knowing that Sirius was almost certainly staying with him.
She was sitting listening to him, Sirius and Remus in charms one day, when something occurred to her. They never called one another by their names. It was always "Moony this", or "Prongs that." She had never really questioned where those nicknames came from before. Moony, she decided, was absolutely a play on Remus' status as a werewolf. A fact she had only found out about last year, but the rest were far too specific to be random.
She wrote to James that night:
You know, I've always meant to ask. But those nicknames you give one another, where do they come from?
Narcissa wasn't sure if James would even respond, but he did, less than hour later.
James: Why are you asking me this now?
And, also, I can't tell you. Trade secret.
Narcissa: I'm sure I've asked you about it before, and you refused to tell me then. I was thinking about it in charms. The three of you wouldn't shut up and you were sitting in front of me.
James: We were discussing something serious. But, honestly, I still can't tell you.
Narcissa: Does that mean I should start avoiding anywhere in the castle?
James: Haven't you noticed, we've been trying to behave this year, you know, less pranks, more growing up.
Narcissa: I had, why though?
There was a pause in the rapidly exchanging messages. Narcissa had forgotten how nice it was just to talk to James. She had wondered about why there had been less pranks going on, with a couple of annoying first years having started in on the act.
James: Well, actually, Lily thought I should start behaving in a way that "befits my station as head boy."
So, there it was, Lily was already changing him. Narcissa swallowed the urge to remind James that she had never asked him to change. No, I just asked him to give up his dream career instead.
Narcissa: I still can't believe they made you head boy, did you jinx Dumbledore or something?
James: Honestly, I'm not sure how that happened. I think Dumbledore must have been drunk. Sirius reckons they put the badge in the wrong letter, and then just decided to roll with it instead of admitting they made a mistake.
Narcissa: I think either of those options is more likely than anything else I can think of.
James:…Hey! There are worse options for headboy!
Narcissa: Yes, and most of those are your friends. And you still won't tell me why you call each other those strange nicknames.
James: Look, I mean it, I can't tell you that. If I couldn't tell you when we were actually dating, I definitely can't tell you now.
Narcissa: You're forgetting something though. I know the truth about "Moony" now and I've figured that's where he gets his name from. It's really just the Prongs, Padfoot and Wormtail that I'm wondering about.
James: I'm not saying anything either way.
Narcissa: They seem oddly animalistic.
James: Still not saying anything.
Narcissa: Is it possibly to do with your animagus forms?
Now there was an even longer pause. Narcissa had to laugh at the panic she could imagine James was probably having right now. She could almost picture him, turning to Sirius to demand if he had told her.
James: I don't know what you're talking about.
Narcissa: You're usually a better liar than this.
James: How do youWhat makes you think I'm an animagus.
Narcissa: The fact that I heard pretty much your entire conversation in charms. That and various other things both you and Sirius have said over the years.
James: I'm an idiot.
Narcissa: No, you just need to be more aware of your surroundings. I feel like that'll be an important part of being an auror. There's no need to worry about me spilling your secrets, if you're going to blab them in front of a death eater sitting behind you in a pub.
That last part was probably a tad too much, but James seemed to enjoy the back and forth.
James: Yes, okay, point taken. Although I'm pretty sure you weren't sitting that close to us.
Narcissa: We're in a magic school James, use your imagination.
James: Okay. Fine. But I'm still not telling you where our nicknames come from?
Narcissa: You're a hedgehog, aren't you?
James: Hedgehog? Are you kidding me?
Narcissa: Well, I'm trying to figure out the prongs angle.
James: Hedgehogs have spikes.
Narcissa: Same difference. Porcupine?
James: Still spikes, just bigger ones.
Narcissa: I'll figure it out.
James: Let me know when you do.
And from there it eased. Suddenly the silence wasn't so deafening between the two. She continued to suggest various animals, some more likely than others, and he continued to correct her. Eventually the conversation moved to different topics, never anything too difficult. James didn't mention Lily, she never spoke of Lucius. They never met again in school, Narcissa knew she didn't have the strength to end the relationship one more time. When the time came to leave, Narcissa tried not to cry. School might have had it's difficult moments, but it had still been her home for the last seven years of her life. She looked across to see James, stony faced as if feeling the same turmoil. Their eyes had met for a moment, both saying so much and yet so little in the same moment.
They wrote to one another less although Narcissa still felt the same wave of excitement when she saw the journal had changed colour.
Less than a year after school ended, Narcissa heard the news that James' parents had both died of dragonpox. She penned a letter to James, saying how sorry she was, before ripping it up and trying again. Four letters, and none of them could say what she wanted. In the end she travelled to James' parent's estate, hoping to catch James there.
"Narcissa?" James asked when he answered the door. His face looked different, tired and older Narcissa thought. Less than a year, but it felt like so much time had passed.
"I tried to write, but I couldn't find the words. I just wanted to say how sorry I was to hear about your parents. Is there anything I can do?"
"Thank you Narcissa, but no, I couldn't ask you to do anything."
"You're not asking, I'm offering. An estate this large, there will be lots to do. I helped my mum with this last year when my grandma died. I can help with whatever you need." Narcissa could see a woman's jacket hanging by the end of the staircase. He probably has all the help he needs.
"Sirius and Lily are helping with all that stuff. They're down at the lawyers right now. They wanted to give me some space to go through some of dad's stuff and see if there was anything I want to keep."
"Of course, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come."
"Could you help?" The words seem to spill out of James' mouth, "I thought I wanted to do this myself, but I…I don't."
"Or course," Narcissa answered, reaching out to James. Before she could blink, he had enveloped her in a hug and seemed to be shaking with grief. She couldn't think of anything to say, so instead she returned the hug, clinging to James as if he was the only real thing in a world of dreams.
Entering the grand estate was a surreal experience for Narcissa. It felt like only yesterday that James had smuggled her in, hoping his parents wouldn't notice the extra person staying there. And of course, with that brought a pang of sadness, Narcissa could still remember how kind both of James' parents had been to her.
As they finally entered James' father's study, Narcissa was blown away by the amount of different items – both magical and mundane that he seem to have collected.
James shrugged when she looked at him, "dad was a tinkerer. He collected a lot of things."
"Is there anything you want to keep?"
"I don't know. Dad loved all this stuff; I hate the idea of just chucking it away."
"So why not keep it? You have the room, and you can go through it all when it's not so fresh."
"I'm going to sell the house and get somewhere smaller."
Narcissa couldn't imagine selling her family estate, but then, James had always said he thought the house was too big and drafty. "Okay then, where do we start?"
The pair of them went through an array of increasingly odd contraptions. Throughout it, Narcissa thought that she got a better idea of who Fleamont Potter really was and felt a wave of sadness all over again at his death.
When they finally finished, a collection of smaller items signalled the items that James wanted to keep. Each had had a funny story, or a poignant memory attached to them. It was the most James had ever spoke of his father to Narcissa, but then, she considered, we don't always appreciate what we have until it is gone.
She saw James glance at the clock and remembered his words about Lily and Sirius being at the lawyers. They would surely be on their way back by now, and as much as Narcissa missed her cousin, she couldn't face Lily Evans.
"I'm going to go now James but let me know if there is anything you need."
"Wait. Do you want to grab a butterbeer? We could flu into London? I just don't want to be alone right now. I thought I did, but it was deafening."
And so, they sat across from one another at the leaky cauldron, and talked. Squirreled away in a far-off corner so no one could see them. James spoke about his parents, and his childhood and all the best parts of his life, and Narcissa sat and listened. Asking questions and laughing at all the right moments. She had never really considered how unhappy her childhood had been until that moment, listening to how loved James had been, how happy he had been.
As the night went on, the pub became increasingly busier, and it became more difficult to remain secreted away in the corner.
"Why don't I grab us a room, and we can keep talking upstairs?" James asked.
Narcissa knew it was bad idea. "Sure." Life was too short to always do the right thing.
"I'm sure I remember these rooms being bigger." Narcissa commented. As she walked into a room barely larger than her closet at home, with a large double bed taking up most of the floor space.
"When have you stayed here?" James asked as he flopped down on the bed.
"That Christmas after Rabastan…you remember?" She stayed standing, still deliberating if she this was a good idea.
"God, that's right. That was when you met mum and dad."
"It was," Narcissa smiled softly.
James seemed to sense her hesitation. He stood up and cupped her face in his hands. His face was close enough to kiss. "I love you. I never stopped, and I should never have let you walk away. I love you, and I'm sorry I hurt you, sorry I didn't write to you every damn day over the summer holidays." He kissed her, and her heart skipped a beat. What came next wasn't the quick forays of youth, James kissed her, and he didn't stop, making his way down her body. Her body responded to every touch, every breath. When James reached the faint scar along her pelvis he stopped briefly, he looked at her, a question in his eyes, but he seemed to read her response in her eyes. Snape. He kissed the scar gently before moving downwards. It had been so long, yet they both knew one another's bodies intimately, they came together, hearts beating as one as their bodies reached a crescendo, "I love you." Narcissa whispered.
They lay next to one another, neither speaking in case they lost the magic of what had happened. James lay facing the ceiling, eyes unblinking, while Narcissa lay on her stomach facing the boy she loved.
"Lucius asked me to marry him." She eventually admitted, watching James' reaction as she did.
He seemed to still. This was it, this was the turning point. Please ask me not to marry him. Please.
But he didn't. "What are you going to say?" He has asked her instead.
"I don't know." It was the truth, and it wasn't. She pulled her clothes back on, glancing at James who still seemed lost in his own mind.
"Lucius asked me to marry him." The words were still ringing in James' ears. He froze.
"What are you going to say?" He eventually asked, trying to buy himself the time to process. He had lost both parents in one fell swoop, and now he feared he was losing Narcissa again. This time forever. If she married Lucius, they would never be together.
"I don't know," and with that Narcissa was out the door.
"Don't marry him," he had said into the silence of the room, but she was already gone.
Five weeks later the engagement was posted on the Daily Prophet, a picture of Narcissa and Lucius smiling lovingly at one another. He had bought a ring that week and proposed to Lily two weeks later.