Short Tag to Ep 2.22 All Hell Breaks Loose, Part 2 (dialogue from episode in bold).
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Dead.
He had died.
Stopped breathing, body no longer functioning, spirit gone, a shell left to bury or burn.
D. E. A. D.
Sam twisted around, once again attempting to gain a better view of the healing scar on his back in the mirror, knowing now the knife wound had completely severed his spinal cord and ended his life. He could just brush over it with his fingertips if he contorted slightly. A flash of remembered pain seared his mind as he touched the raised scar tissue. He had actually died. He stared at the scar numbly then up into his own eyes, seeing reflected back the mixture of pain, horror, anger, and sorrow all flooding through him.
He wondered if he repeated it in his mind enough times it would actually sink in. Sam remembered the shock of finding out what had actually happened…not from his brother, who had lied to him - a flash of anger flared at that memory - oh no. Rather he had to learn the truth from the very man who had killed him!
"Wait... you were dead. I killed you." Jake had stared at him, not phased in the least by the myriad of weapons all pointed at him, looking like he was seeing a ghost.
"Yeah? Well next time, finish the job." he had taunted back, only to be completely stunned by Jake's reply. "I did! I cut clean through your spinal cord, man. You can't be alive. You can't be."
With no time to process this bombshell, they had jumped into battle, and amazingly they had won. It should have been a night of triumphant and chaotic celebration…they had finally vanquished the Yellow-Eyed Demon that had destroyed their family and essentially stolen their childhood all those years ago. Instead, as they returned to the car and Sam began to process, he quickly realized that if he had truly died and been resurrected it was because Dean had made a demon deal…which he of course had. Dean tried to lie to him about that too, but he pushed back, knowing his brother well enough to see the lie this time. He blamed being newly back from the dead on missing it previously, although in hindsight there were several obvious clues. Upon learning that not only did Dean make a deal but he only was given one year before it came due, Sam's brain had immediately started working on how to get him out of it. The whole "I was dead" thing simply got glossed over in the light of the new crisis.
But now, with Dean off 'living his best life' with beers and babes, and his research into breaking deals hitting a - temporary - dead end (Sam cringed at his mental choice of words), he had paused to try to get some sleep. However, his thoughts were swirling, the reminder of what had happened flooding his brain when he rolled over onto the still sore healing wound, which in turn had propelled him to the mirror. Jake's words echoed again in his head as he stared at himself, 'I cut clean through your spinal cord. You can't be alive. You can't be.' Sam wondered why he had no memory of being dead. Was death really the end? Absolute nothingness? There was hell at least…they knew that was real. Dad had been trapped there. Dean was barreling towards his own eternity there…Sam shuddered again in horror at the thought…surely that meant there was also some kind of heaven, right? But no matter how hard he tried, he could not bring up any memory of anything between the pain of being stabbed and falling into Dean's arms, and then waking up alone on that dirty mattress. This was going to bother him. It was apparently already causing him sleeplessness, as if he didn't already have that issue due to the pressing urgency of finding a way out of Dean's deal.
Contorting his body to view the scar one more time, Sam let his shirt drop and plopped down on the end of the bed. He was grateful to be alive, certainly, but could not reconcile the horrible price paid to bring him back. His life was NOT worth his brother's soul...an eternity in hell...! How he wished Dean could see that…see his own value…and maybe begin to understand Sam's desperation to free him from his rash decision. Shaking his head, knowing they had already gone round and round in that argument without either being wiling or able to see the other's perspective, Sam's resolution hardened. He remembered what he had said to Dean back at the car, "You've saved my life over and over. I mean, you sacrifice everything for me. Don't you think I'd do the same for you? You're my big brother. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. And I don't care what it takes, I'm gonna get you out of this. Guess I gotta save your ass for a change." Indeed, whether he liked it or not, Dean would NOT die for him, he would save him. After all, clearly, that is what brothers are for.