Jay is lying on the sofa watching television. That wasn't quite right, he was lying on the sofa while the television was on, but he wasn't watching it. He just knew they worried less when it at least looked like he was trying to do something. So he wasn't particularly bothered when Zane came in and turned it off. Cole and Kai were with him too, they milled into the room taking seats around him.
"Um, Jay, can we talk to you about something?" Says Cole nervously.
Something was up, maybe they were finally doing that. He knew he was doing a terrible job of holding himself together. He knew it was only a matter of time before someone said something. Jay pushes himself into a seated position, and forces himself to look at Cole, hoping that he doesn't look quite as miserable as he feels. Cole couldn't meet his eyes. Something was definitely up.
"We, um.. Well, what we wanted to say was.." Cole was getting tongue tied.
Kai groans loudly. "Ugh! Can we just get this over with?" He says grumpily to Cole before turning to Jay. "Jay, look, you're super fucking depressed, and we want you to see a psychiatrist."
"Kai!" Says Cole with surprised outrage, "I thought we agreed to be gentle?" Kai shrugs, showing no remorse.
"Ok." Says Jay quietly. He was right, they were doing that.
Kai grins triumphantly, crossing his arms.
Cole looks like his brain has short circuited. "Oh, um, we weren't expecting you to agree so easily."
"Why?" Says Jay dryly, "You think I like feeling this way? You think this is fun for me?"
"What? No!" Says Cole.
"It is just that in the past you have expressed reluctance to see a mental health professional." Says Zane. "And you have not discussed your current mental state with any of us."
Jay turns his eyes away from Cole, instead looking at his feet. I'm doing it again, I'm hurting them. "I'm trying so hard." He says quietly. "I'm trying so fucking hard, not to be a disappointment, not to be a burden, not to make you all hate me, but I keep thinking that you'd all be better off if I had just died on that cliff, so you wouldn't have this dead weight that you're stuck taking care of." He starts coughing, this was the most talking he had done in a while. And his body still sucked, because he sucked.
"Oh, Jay.." Cole's voice was full of pity. He hated this, he hated feeling them staring at him, he hated their pity, hated that it was justified.
Kai starts laughing, Jay gratefully feels the attention in the room snap away from him. "Please explain what is humorous?" Asks Zane.
"Well, it's just no wonder why you're tired all the time." Says Kai vigorously, "You must be worn out from doing a bunch of mental gymnastics, trying to figure out how to believe this ridiculous bullshit? Like we could possibly be better off if one of our friends died? Utter fucking nonsense."
Jay frowns slightly, "I'm not an idiot Kai! I read the brochures, I know how depression works, it doesn't fucking help."
"Well duh," says Kai, "I know we can't logic away the stupidity in your mind, which is why you need to see a psychiatrist."
"Ok!" Says Jay, exasperated.
Cole's eyes dart between the two idiots. Was Kai actually helping? This was the most animated he had seen Jay in weeks.
"Are we done here?" Asks Kai, staring at Cole with crossed arms.
He lets out a big sigh. "Yeah, I guess we are." He turns to Jay. "We're not giving up on you." He says gently.
"I know." says Jay as he lies back down on the couch. "I just can't figure out why."
The next day Jay and Kai are sitting in the waiting room of a psychiatrist's office. They have given Jay a survey to try and figure out exactly how depressed he is. Jay skims through the questions, thinly veiled rephrasings of the same thing. Are you suicidal? How much danger are you in?
"How'd I get roped into this?" Asks Kai with an air of boredom.
"You yelled at me." Says Jay.
"Weirdo." Says Kai. "That shouldn't make you pick me." He swings his feet, unable to sit still.
"You're the only one who doesn't coddle me, who doesn't treat me different." Says Jay. "You can leave if you want." He adds reluctantly.
"Nope, you made a bad call, and now you're stuck with me." He watches Jay as he stares at the survey, pen clutched tightly in his hand, there still isn't a single question filled in. "You having trouble with that?" He asks, a little more gently.
Jay sighs. "I don't want to go back to hospital." He says quietly.
Kai frowns. "Do you think if you answer honestly they'll put you back in hospital?"
Jay shrugs, "I don't know, I haven't done this before."
"Look, everyone here wants to help you, they are going to have the best chance of doing that if you answer it honestly right?"
"Yeah.. but.."
"And on the slim chance they want to put you back in hospital, I'll yell at them too." Says Kai confidently.
Jay nods. "That's why I chose you."
He starts filling in the questionnaire.
Do you often think about your own death? Yes.
Do you think the world would be better without you? Yes.
Do you often feel hopeless? Yes.
Is motivation to get up in the morning difficult? Yes.
Have you performed any sort of self harm in the last 4 weeks? No.
Have you thought about self harming in the last 4 weeks?
He pauses at the question, he hadn't thought about it seriously. Just the occasional intrusive thought. I wonder what would happen if I downed the entire box of painkillers? I wonder if cutting myself feels different to when it happens in battle? He wouldn't actually do it, would he?
I didn't jump.
Have you thought about self harming in the last 4 weeks? Not really.
But he wanted to get better, he wanted them to fix whatever had broken, so he could stop hurting everyone. He had thought about not using the inhaler, was that a type of self harm? He crosses out the answer.
Have you thought about self harming in the last 4 weeks? Not really. Yes.
He sees Kai glancing over his shoulder, but Kai doesn't say anything. He continues onto the next question.
The doctor speaks to him alone, then him and Kai together, then Kai alone. Apparently he did an ok job of convincing the doctor he wasn't a significant risk to himself, despite the intrusive thoughts, so there wasn't any talk of him being taken back to hospital. He had a script for antidepressants, a bunch more brochures, as well as a string of follow up appointments. He hears Kai's voice through the door. "We're ninja! I don't think you understand how many knives we have."
Jay grimaces. Kai, you're not meant to yell at him if they're letting me go home!
On the ride home, Kai is frowning, tapping his hand on the steering wheel. Probably assuming the worst about what Jay might try to do.
"I didn't jump." Says Jay.
"What?" Says Kai, with a look of confusion.
"When I fell off the cliff, I didn't jump." Both Cole and Lloyd had asked him about it. Thought he might have.
"I know." Says Kai, still a bit confused. "But, why are you telling me this now?"
"I'm not going to hurt myself. You don't need to worry." Jay fiddles with his fingers, staring out the window.
Kai sighs. "Look, right now, that voice, the one saying that you aren't going to hurt yourself, that's the real you. Ok? Remember that voice."
Jay sighs. He doesn't believe me.
"But right now, you have a little bullshit demon sitting in your head. It's going to tell you all sorts of little bullshit lies, and some of them might be about hurting you. If it gets too loud, if you can't tune it out anymore, you need to let us know ok?"
"I'll try." says Jay glumly.
"Look, some things are going to need to change at home.. It's not because we don't trust you, we just don't trust the little bullshit demon ok?"
Jay sighs. Yup, he doesn't believe me.
The next day a lockable medicine cabinet appears on the dining room wall. Jay is issued a cut section of a blister pack with 2 ibuprofen, in case he gets a headache, but the rest of the meds go in the cabinet. His asthma meds aren't particularly dangerous if you take too much, so he gets to keep those.
"This is stupid." Says Jay as he looks at the new cabinet. "You really think I won't be able to break into that?"
"Nope." Says Kai. "You're a ninja, I'm sure you could break it open if you really wanted to."
"Then what's the point?" Whines Jay.
"The point is you don't really want to, this just makes it harder, puts an extra barrier in place that forces you to think 'I shouldn't be doing this.'"
Jay sighs. "Fine, whatever." It wasn't like he had much of a choice in the matter.
He notices all the training weapons outside are now wooden, everything sharp or metal had been removed. The lift to the lair now required a swipe card to access, and Jay wasn't issued with one, needing supervision if he wanted to work on a project, not that he had any motivation to do so.
"You guys are idiots." says Jay when he walks into the kitchen seeing Cole putting the finishing touches on a lock on the second drawer. Kai was there too, sitting on the bench snacking on an apple.
"Bullshit demon." Explains Kai with his mouth full, taking another bite of the apple.
"I think it looks pretty good." says Cole, rattling the drawer, checking it doesn't open.
Jay sighs, "Why the second drawer?" He asks.
"Well, all our regular cutlery is in the top drawer." Says Cole.
"Uha." Says Jay dryly as he goes over to open the top drawer. There was a lot of cutlery, which would make it too heavy.. He grabs handfuls of silverware, putting them on the bench.
"Hey, what are you doing?" Says Kai with a frown.
"You'll see." Says Jay, who then lifts out the cutlery insert with the few remaining silverware, also placing it on the bench. The drawer is now empty, Jay grabs the sides, pulling it all the way out until he feels the stopper. He angles the drawer up, gives it a little jiggle, and the whole drawer comes out of the cabinet. Jay leans the empty drawer up against the cabinet before reaching in and grabbing a knife from the still locked second drawer. "Like I said, you guys are idiots."
Kai starts laughing. Cole scratches his head. Jay takes an apple out of the fruit bowl and starts cutting it up.
"I guess I should move it to the top drawer?" Says Cole.
"You think?" Says Kai, still with a mouth full of apple.
"Hey, you didn't notice either!" says Cole.
Jay finishes slicing the apple. "So, do we have to wash them right away? Or is there like another drawer for dirty knives?"
Kai starts laughing again.
A bit over a week later Kai is having trouble sleeping. He gets up to use the bathroom, hoping an empty bladder might help. When he steps into the hall, he notices the glow of a light coming from the other end. Someone probably forgot to turn it off. He doesn't want to wake the others, so he carefully avoids the creaky spots in the floor and makes his way quietly down the hall. The light is coming from the dining room, as he reaches the doorway he pauses seeing Jay sitting at the low table, staring at the medicine cabinet.
His heart plummets, now very thankful that he hadn't been able to sleep. He stands there for a moment, Jay hasn't noticed him yet, and thinks about what to do, examining his friend, trying to better assess the situation. Jay is just sitting there, unmoving, with tired looking eyes locked on the cabinet.
Kai clears his throat as he walks in, doing his best not to startle Jay. It isn't successful with Jay's entire body jerking in surprise. "What? Kai?" Jay looks up at Kai in confusion. "What are you doing creeping around at night like some sort of ninja?"
Kai scoffs as he sits down next to Jay. "Couldn't sleep, saw the light." He explains. "You couldn't sleep either?"
Jay wrings his hands guiltily, not making eye contact. "Yeah.." he says. "Just came to get some water."
Kai glances around the room, there is no cup, so not even a good lie.
"I should be getting back to bed." Says Jay sheepishly as he starts to stand.
Kai reaches out placing a firm grip on Jay's arm, and gently pulls him back down to the floor. "Oh no, you're not getting out of this that easily."
"Getting out of what? I didn't do anything." Says Jay defensively, not struggling as he sits back down.
Kai sighs, releasing his grip on Jay. "You promised to tell me if the bullshit demon was getting too loud." He states.
"It's not. I'm fine." Says Jay, still refusing to make eye contact.
"You're starting at the medicine cabinet alone at 3am." States Kai with a frown.
"So?" Says Jay. "It's working alright? I thought it through and didn't do anything."
"But you thought about it?"
"No!" Says Jay defensively.
Kai crosses his arms. Was Jay scared of going back to hospital? Was that why he was lying to him?
"You don't believe me.." says Jay with a sigh, leaning over the table, body angled away from Kai.
It felt like he was missing something. Asking the wrong questions? "I believe you." Says Kai, still frowning, trying to work through the puzzle. Jay finally meets his eyes, examining his face. "Or, I want to believe you." Adds Kai gently, "so please, help me understand? What do you feel when you look at the cabinet?" Kai gestures to the wall.
Jay turns to face it. "Nothing." he says glumly. Kai sighs, another miss. "That's the problem.." mutters Jay.
Kai frowns once more. Maybe not? "What do you mean?"
Jay stares at the cabinet, wringing his hands, sometimes opening his mouth, then closing it again, trying to decide what to say. Kai waits patiently for him to find his words. "You remember what you said in the car?" Asks Jay timidly.
Kai nods. "Mostly, which part?"
"You said the voice saying I don't want to hurt myself is the real me. I needed to remember what it sounded like." Jay pauses, still fidgeting with his hands. "I thought if I came and looked at the thing that could hurt me, I'd be able to hear it." He turns to Kai, "I can't hear it.. it's just quiet, and numb.. and I don't remember what my thoughts are meant to sound like.. and I know it's stupid.."
Jay's thoughts are interrupted by a warm arm wrapping around his shoulder and pulling him close. "It's not stupid." Says Kai firmly, before letting out a sigh of relief.
"But, what if the meds change me? What if I lose the real me?"
Kai squeezes Jay a little tighter. "I think, these are very normal thoughts to be having right now."
Jay sighs. He doesn't object to the embrace, but doesn't lean into it either. Kai gives him a final squeeze before letting go. "Do you want some cocoa or something?" Asks Kai. Jay gives a small shrug. "I'm gonna make us some cocoa." Says Kai, before going to the kitchen and giving a yawn as he puts on the kettle. He scoops generous quantities of chocolate powder into a couple of mugs, keeping an eye on Jay through the doorway. He looks bleak and empty.
Kai brings the finished drinks back to the table. "I used to be funny right?" Asks Jay.
Kai scoffs, "Debatable."
Jay ignores the comment. "Like I used to crack jokes, and make people laugh." He looks down at the cocoa for a moment, before picking it up and taking a sip.
"Nya thought you were funny." Says Kai gently. "She loved it when you made her laugh."
Jay continues to stare blankly at the cocoa, a small frown creeping onto his face. "That should make me sad right? I used to get so sad I couldn't even breathe properly.."
"You do get that we're trying to rewire your brain right?" Jay looks up from his cocoa. "The transition is going to be weird, you're not meant to feel like yourself right now. But this isn't forever. The meds too, it's unlikely you'll need them forever."
Jay looks back down. "I just need to be patient." He says dryly before coughing a little. He looks so defeated, no spark of determination.
Kai nods. "I wish there was a faster fix, I hate waiting for things, probably more than you."
Jay shrugs slightly. "I made it this far, what's a bit further? Ninja don't quit, right?"
Kai smiles. "That's the spirit." They both sip at their drinks. "When you get better, the new you might be a little different, and that's ok. People aren't meant to stay exactly the same forever. I'm different to how I was a year ago, so is Cole, Lloyd, hell, even Zane." He lets out a big sigh. "And if you don't like the new you, then you'll just have to keep on changing."
Jay thinks through the words. "Thanks. For the cocoa. And for listening."
"Listening? I have been dominating this conversation!" Kai was hoping to make Jay smile, but he doesn't. And that's ok, he'll just have to try again tomorrow.