Jason did not sleep that night. He didn't try.
He had demons to wrestle.
He wasn't sure he wasn't one of them.
And a mystery to solve.
With all that past in his head, no wonder Jeremy sometimes looked terrified of him. He had failed the boy in the worst way possible, given the circumstances.
Their mother must be so disappointed in him. She had trusted him with that baby brother before he even was.
Of course, she'd protest that. She would make excuses for him. He could almost hear her.
There were no excuses. Not that it mattered.
Excuses aside, he and they were going to have to live with what had been. They had to go forward. HE had to go forward.
How?
He closed his eyes.
Jeremy got up at the usual time,dressed, lit the stove, started coffee, and put on a pot of water to boil. He got his schoolbooks and writing tablet from the desk, and seated himself at the table. He began making a clean copy of a paper he had written. Probably his song. Today was the last day to turn that in.
Other than a glance at his oldest brother, he in no way indicated he had seen Jason in the chair instead of his bed. He was completely focused on his work, and that made Jason smile.
It said something that the once timid child could work serenely with an unusual change.
As Jason watched, Jeremy started humming as he wrote, stopping to sing a few words and carefully changing the writing on his paper.
The coffee was ready (enough) and Jeremy carefully poured himself a cup, with another glance at Jason. He tilted his head a moment, studying him, then shook his head. He must have decided Jason was asleep.
Jeremy poured cornmeal into the water, slowly, and added a bit of milk. He must be making some kind of mush for his breakfast. Fair enough for a schoolboy's morning meal, and the care he took doing the chore was notable. He stirred, slowly, and sniffed, and tasted. He added salt, and kept stirring, sniffing, and tasting. Once he was satisfied, he poured the mixture into a bowl and set the pan aside, to the back of the stove where it should stay warm for a while without cooking. Maybe his brothers would like some breakfast when they woke up.
He added cream and syrup to his bowl, and carried it carefully to the table, and climbed into a chair away from his papers. After he ate, and rinsed the bowl before putting it in the dishpan, he checked the clock, packed his books and papers, and washed his face and hands before pulling on his coat. It was time to go.
He paused beside Jason in the chair, and patted him on the face before opening the door and leaving, whistling the tune he had been humming.
There was something satisfying in having watched the boy confidently take care of himself, with some consideration for his brothers. Not timid and afraid this morning, and wasn't that what you were supposed to with children? Teach them survival skills and self-confidence?
Maybe he wasn't as much a failure as he had thought.
Jason smiled, and went to sleep where he was.