DISCLAIMER: Star Trek: Voyager, Star Trek Prodigy and all their characters belong to Paramount Pictures and CBS Studios; no infringement of copyright is intended. The story itself belongs to me.
Many thanks to KJaneway115 and IndianSummer2378 for their wonderful comments and suggestions!
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by Hester (hester4418)
She couldn't let go.
From the moment Chakotay's arms had closed around her in Voyager's transporter room, Kathryn didn't want to let him go. After searching for him for so long, it seemed like a miracle that he had finally returned.
Leaving the Doctor and Tysess to tend to the kids, she held onto Chakotay's arm as she led him through the ship. He kept smiling at her as she pointed out various features of the new Lamarr-class vessel, his expression betraying the same wonder and trepidation that she felt herself. Was he really her Chakotay, returned to her through time and space? Or had he come from a parallel universe which was similar enough that neither of them would know the difference? Did it even matter, as long as she could call one flesh and blood Chakotay her own?
"I'm tempted to ask you to pinch me," he said quietly when they finally entered her quarters and he took in the spacious room.
"If that's what you want, I'll be happy to oblige," Kathryn laughed, but it felt forced.
Embracing him in the transporter room had come naturally and without any thought spared on who was looking on. They all knew about her feelings for Chakotay. When her search had lasted for more than a year, even Admiral Jellico had no longer pretended that she was acting just out of loyalty to a former first officer, or because the Protostar was an important prototype that had to be recovered for the sake of the fleet's advancement. No one had ever asked her outright, but she knew many assumed that she and Chakotay had had a previous liaison, perhaps even an on-again, off-again arrangement. There was a time when that had bothered her, when she felt that it tainted the sacrifices she had made while leading Voyager home. But when the Protostar had vanished, she'd used the assumptions to her advantage and all but demanded to lead the search for the missing vessel and her crew.
The Dauntless had been formidable and well-suited to the task, and her crew had been dedicated, hard-working, and completely devoted to her — even Asencia, before she'd shown her true colors. Tysess was a capable first officer, and Kathryn had been very grateful when he agreed to follow her to Voyager-A along with several other members of the senior staff. And yet all of their familiarity could not offset the fact that the Andorian was not Chakotay, and that Kathryn's bridge felt incomplete without the quietly reassuring presence of the man who'd stood by her side for 70,000 light years.
Now though, alone with him for the first time in years, she felt awkward. She knew what she wanted — she wanted him. More than ever before. She had defied time itself and the admiralty to find him, to bring him back to her side, but now, words failed her.
Chakotay was still regarding her with that soft, dimpled smile, looking genuinely happy to be with her. But he also looked tired and worn, his face a little more lined than she remembered it. How long had he really been imprisoned or lost, on Solum or elsewhere? What horrors had he seen before Dal and the others had found him?
Chakotay tugged on her hand, interrupting her swirling thoughts. "I think there's another, better way to prove that I'm not hallucinating." His face dipped toward hers until their noses were almost touching. "Permission to kiss the admiral?"
He'd never been this bold before, always waiting for her to take the lead instead. And hadn't that been the source of many of their troubles — her hesitation, her hiding behind duty, behind protocol, convincing herself that she couldn't, shouldn't be with him, that the command structure and Starfleet itself would surely collapse if she gave in to her desires? But where had that led her, except to experiencing the heartache of losing him without ever having laid claim to him in the first place? No more second-guessing, Kathryn told herself firmly. He's finally here. Make sure that he stays.
"Permission granted," she breathed with her heart thundering in her chest, turning her face up to his.
His hold on her hand tightened and he closed his eyes with a sigh, and for a split second she feared that he would change his mind. But then his lips gently covered hers for a first, tentative taste, and the reality of his nearness, his touch and his scent, broke through the last of her barriers. She leaned into him, both eager and hesitant to deepen the kiss, torn between moving too fast and wanting to devour him.
But then she had to pull back after just a few seconds, laughing at herself and his puzzled expression. "I'm sorry," she gasped, unable to contain more laughter bubbling up within her, "I really want to kiss you, but... you taste like lubricant grease!"
He laughed with her, one hand reaching to touch his fake goatee but pulling back at the last moment. "I'm sorry, I forgot. It was part of a disguise."
"I can't wait to hear the story behind —"
"Bridge to Admiral Janeway. Admiral Jellico is requesting to speak with you," the unwelcome sound from the ship's comm system cut into their mirth. There was a brief pause before Tysess added more quietly, "I'm sorry, Admiral. I tried to head him off, but he's adamant."
Kathryn exchanged a glance with Chakotay. He knew her rapport with Jellico had always been difficult. Refusing this call was not an option.
Suppressing a sigh, she replied, "Thank you, Commander. Please tell the admiral that I'll call him back in five minutes."
As soon as the comm link closed, she sighed audibly, stepping back from Chakotay's embrace with a sad smile. Their moment was lost, replaced by a familiar feeling of regret. "I'm beginning to think I'll need to retire before the universe will allow me to have a certain conversation with you."
Chakotay blinked and visibly sobered. "We need to talk, we really do. There are things I need to tell you, about the time I was gone..."
"And I'll want to hear all of it," she assured him.
"But you need to call Jellico, and I need a shower, and possibly a nap. I can't even remember the last time I slept." He looked away, his face momentarily clouding over. "If you could assign me some guest quarters, I'll go and clean up. And then maybe we can meet for dinner? Although I don't even know what time of day it is here." All of a sudden, he appeared forlorn, like a man who'd completely lost his bearings.
Kathryn's thoughts raced. Her new Voyager had more than 800 crew members and a more than adequate number of guest quarters, but there was only one place she wanted him to sleep.
"Stay," she said, watching his eyes widen with surprise when they met hers again. "Use my shower, my replicator, everything. I want you to feel at home here because I sure as hell don't want to go chasing you again, even if it's just within Voyager. So... stay. Please." She hoped that her eyes were conveying all that she couldn't put into words just yet. Stay — with me. Forever.
His gaze turned soft, losing some of its haunted quality, and he nodded. "I will," he said, but what she saw and heard was, Always.
-==/\==-
After leaving her quarters, Kathryn had just rounded a bend in the corridor when the Doctor emerged from a nearby doorway.
"Kathryn, where are you going?" He looked over her shoulder, then back at her. "I thought you and Chakotay would be... catching up?"
She shrugged helplessly. "Jellico wants to talk. Now."
"I see." He reached up to swipe at the corner of her mouth, his fingers coming away black with grease. "Now you look presentable."
"Thank you." She had to blink away a tear at his gesture, marveling at how human he'd become and how much his support meant to her.
When Chakotay had broken her heart after Voyager's return to the Alpha Quadrant, the Doctor had picked up the pieces. When she had confessed to him that she was, and had been for years, deeply in love with Chakotay, his only reply had been, "I suspected as much," and he'd then done his best to comfort her while she alternately sobbed and ranted out her grief. After that soul-baring experience, she had asked him to call her by her given name, a privilege he still employed with a measure of awe. Months later, he had watched over their hesitant attempts at reconciliation and encouraged their renewed closeness. When the Protostar had vanished without a trace, he had stepped up once more to help Kathryn mend her bleeding heart and support her desperate search. Being able to call on him at any time, night or day, had strengthened her profoundly, and she was deeply grateful that despite the many avenues he could have pursued in the Alpha Quadrant, he had chosen to remain part of her crew.
The Doctor was already turning away when she stopped him with a hand on his arm. "Come to think of it, I'd like you to accompany me. I suppose Dal and Gwyn already gave you the quick rundown of what happened after they passed through the gateway that Wesley Crusher created?"
"They did, but are you sure you want to hear it from me?" Despite his words, he fell into step beside her.
"Actually, I could do with a few pointers. I haven't asked Chakotay yet, but I got the impression that wherever he ended up after leaving Solum, it wasn't exactly a walk in the park."
"From what I gathered, it wasn't only where, but also when he ended up."
They had reached the turbolift and Kathryn turned to face the Doctor as they waited for a car. "I suspected that there was some temporal displacement involved. Otherwise we should have seen the Protostar emerge from the wormhole when it escaped from Solum, just like we picked up the Infinity."
During the turbolift ride, she listened intently as the Doctor filled her in on what he had learned from Dal, Gwyn, Rok, Jankom and Zero. The news that Chakotay had spent ten years on the remote planet Ysida shocked her. He had seemed a little older than when she'd last seen him, but she'd put it down to his imprisonment on Solum and fatigue.
"So it was only him and the ETH?" she asked as they emerged from the lift and turned toward her ready room.
"For the most part, yes," the Doctor confirmed. "Commander Adreek disappeared after a time, I'm not sure exactly how long. But at least your hologram kept Captain Chakotay company. I dare say, if she's anything like me, she can be thanked profusely for keeping him sane during all that time. If he'd been alone, the psychological ramifications would be far more severe." His smile carried a hint of smugness.
"I can only imagine," Kathryn heard herself say even as the implications of his words hit home. She knew first-hand just how similar the hologram was to herself — she had helped design the character and had even given permission for a limited number of personal logs to be included in the hologram's psychological subroutines, to 'round out her emotional responses' as the lead programmer had described it. But did that mean that Chakotay hadn't missed her as much, since a version of her had been at his side the whole time?
She pushed down the doubt and the jealousy that threatened to cloud her joy about Chakotay's safe return. She would simply ask him — if they were to finally have a future together, it should be built on trust rather than suspicion. With that resolve firmly in mind, she instructed the computer to establish a connection with Admiral Jellico's office, and prepared herself for her superior's questions.
-==/\==-
After Kathryn had left, Chakotay wearily slumped into a chair. He'd been running on adrenaline the whole time in the mirror universe, with the dual purpose of finding the fastest way possible back to his original universe and Kathryn while not losing any of his young charges. Encountering their evil reflections had been completely unexpected, and he was still reeling from the cruelty that his own double was apparently capable of. After that experience, he actually considered himself lucky to have spent the past ten years in relative peace.
Ysida had been a conscious choice. Adreek had passed the P-class planet once before and recalled that the frequent ion storms and predatory indigenous life made it an entirely unattractive location for anyone to visit, including Starfleet. Marooning the Protostar on one of the few larger islands seemed like a good way to ensure that it wouldn't accidentally be found.
The landing had been difficult and had left many of the ship's systems damaged or broken. With no steady power supply and no qualified engineer, Chakotay and Adreek had improvised to the best of their abilities.
It had taken them the better part of three months to get a sonic shower working, and another five to scrape enough power to reboot Kathryn's hologram.
Not that it had gotten easier after that.
After Adreek's disappearance, he'd thought that the hologram would ease his loneliness, but instead it had exacerbated it. Looking at the ETH had driven home just how much he'd lost, and how much it hurt. The fact that he'd voluntarily chosen to exile himself for the good of the Federation had only marginally lessened his bitterness.
The ETH had tried to talk to him about it, but he had deactivated her for days at a time, citing power conservation reasons. She'd seen right through him, of course, prompting further counseling attempts. He'd even tried to change her appearance, using the EMH as a blueprint, but with a source code as complex as hers, the task had been beyond his skills.
As the years went by, they'd both mellowed somewhat, finding a way to coexist without stirring up forbidden memories. At night, sitting on the Protostar's hull and naming the foreign constellations, he'd sometimes allowed his thoughts to escape to New Earth, to the only other time he had shared with Kathryn and Kathryn alone, in a place where he'd thought they would grow old together. Most often though, the memory had made him sad. Ysida was nothing like New Earth, and there was no chance of him ever leading a life even remotely resembling that other, happier exile.
Sometimes he would wonder why he still hung on. With no chance of returning to the Federation, all he'd had left to do was to guard the doomed Protostar and wait for his life to come to an end. But whenever the thought of expediting his own demise had crossed his mind, one look at Hologram Janeway, at Kathryn's eyes and Kathryn's smile, had rekindled the tiny flame of hope that maybe, maybe he would see her again sometime, somewhere.
Those had been his best days, when he could joke with the ETH and reminisce without turning maudlin. And she'd been patient, kind and understanding. She had laughed with him, and then held him when he cried, once more overcome with grief. But although he had tried to tell himself that she was Kathryn, that she could be Kathryn if he only tried hard enough to see past her too-youthful appearance, she had never been able to fill the void within him.
Chakotay sighed, shaking himself from his thoughts.
He was back. Back in the Federation, back on Voyager — a new Voyager, but still —, back in the universe and time frame where he belonged. Back with Kathryn, the real Kathryn, the one he had missed so much. He should be overjoyed. And he had been, for as long as she'd been in his arms. But now, once more alone with his thoughts, he only felt numb.
Emotional overload, he told himself, a chuckle breaking free when he remembered Hologram Janeway explaining the condition to him.
"Name the emotions that best define what you're feeling right now," she would prompt, looking at him with those luminous blue eyes that had made his heart ache.
Longing had always been at the top of his list, most often coupled with hopelessness, sometimes descending into anger and despair. The ETH knew all about Voyager's time in the Delta Quadrant, the official mission logs being part of her database. She would often quiz him about particular events, things she thought bore similarities to his current situation, but she'd often missed the point.
Chakotay had tried to fill in the gaps, to convey what wasn't contained in the logs — the camaraderie, the fun and laughter, the family feeling that had developed over seven long years. But he had never found the words to describe the one thing that had made their time in the Delta Quadrant bearable, even enjoyable — the special bond he shared with Kathryn Janeway, unbroken throughout all the ups and downs of their journey.
Over time, he'd gotten better at managing his emotions, more and more often able to set them aside and concentrate on his daily chores of foraging for food and keeping the solar panels spotless. He'd found comfort in the routine, but true peace had still eluded him. And then Dal, Gwyn and the others had appeared and shaken up his small world.
The time since the kids' arrival had been a whirlwind of emotions, resurfacing memories and tentative hope. Chakotay had barely had time to wrap his mind around the fact that he'd be going home and would see Kathryn again. Then the interphasic rift had complicated their return in unforeseen ways, once more causing an emotional roller coaster ride, what with first being told of Kathryn's demise and then meeting her unforgiving alter ego in the mirror universe.
It shouldn't come as a surprise that he had trouble believing that he wasn't dreaming. So how was he feeling now?
Filthy was the first thing that came to his mind and he chuckled again, then dismissed the word as not being an emotion.
Tired was next. Not just physically, but emotionally drained as well. He wasn't used to quick changes anymore, to shifting realities. His days on the island had been monotonous and uneventful, only the ion storms bringing a measure of unpredictability but no incalculable danger.
He rose and approached the wide viewport. Voyager was still at a full stop, probably awaiting their next orders from Command. From Chakotay's current vantage point, the Protostar wasn't visible, but he knew it was there all the same, aligned with the larger vessel like a foal seeking protection at its mother's side. Looking out at the stars, he acknowledged how much he had missed seeing them from this perspective, and just being able to enjoy this view again gave rise to an emotion he hadn't felt in a very long time: He was grateful. Grateful that he had survived ten years on Ysida. Grateful that against all odds, he had returned to his rightful time and place. Grateful that Kathryn was still looking at him with the same warmth shining from her eyes as the last time he'd seen her.
A glint of silver caught his attention and he turned, looking for the source of the reflection. A collection of family photos was displayed on a nearby shelf, and he approached for a closer look. Kathryn's mother and father, obviously on their wedding day. Her sister with her partner, in a similar get-up. A slightly older Phoebe surrounded by three kids, Kathryn's nieces and nephew. Chakotay had met them all at one of Voyager's reunion parties, not long before the Protostar's launch. To think that they had only aged by two years while he had been away for so much longer was hard to take.
He picked up an image showing Kathryn arm in arm with her mother and sister, the family resemblance uncanny. Looking at Kathryn's bright smile, he felt another emotion stirring within him, one that had been his constant companion for the past twelve years. Longing.
The feeling quickly grew as strong as ever, threatening to choke him with its intensity as it had often done, but for the first time in a long time, it was coupled with hope.
He closed his eyes and let the sensation unfurl within him, imagining its tendrils reaching out, traveling through Voyager's decks and finding Kathryn, and wrapping her in a gentle embrace. He recalled Gwyn telling him how desperate Kathryn had been to find him, how she had grasped at every straw, seized every opportunity, no matter how outrageous. She had never stopped hoping for a miracle.
Chakotay straightened.
He had finally returned, after a much longer absence than planned. Yet when Kathryn had greeted him in the transporter room, stepping into his arms without hesitation, it had been as if the years of separation had simply fallen away. And the way she had looked at him just before rushing off to her impromptu meeting with Admiral Jellico, asking him to stay with her, had told him everything he needed to know.
He turned from the viewport and scanned Kathryn's quarters, trying to identify the location of her bathroom. He still felt tired, but the numbness had gone. And as he pulled off the mirror universe uniform, opting to take a quick sonic shower to clean off the grime and grease, to be followed by the long-missed treat of a real water shower, he recognized a new feeling that had started to grow within him, slowly spreading to every cell of his being.
Anticipation.
-==/\==-
Upon returning to her quarters, Kathryn found the lights low and the room silent, and Chakotay nowhere to be seen. Wondering where he might have gone, her nervous thoughts were quickly laid to rest when she heard a light snore from her bedroom.
Stepping through the doorway, she smiled at the sight that greeted her. Chakotay was stretched out on one side of her bed, fast asleep but with one of his arms flung out as if in silent invitation. The mirror universe uniform lay on a chair, neatly folded, together with a short robe.
Kathryn toed off her boots and then stripped down to her tank top and underwear, dropping her clothes in a pile on the lounge chair that had followed her from the original Voyager to this new ship carrying the name. Trying to move silently so as not to wake Chakotay, she froze mid-motion when he stirred and rolled onto his back, but he soon settled again and continued to breathe deeply and regularly.
Seeing him in her bed, alive and well, was overwhelming in more ways than one. She had often envisioned him in exactly that position, but over the past two years, the vision had turned increasingly hazy. Just watching him sleep now brought back every hope she'd ever had for them, every tender feeling which had brightened her days as far back as Voyager's early years in the Delta Quadrant.
She slipped under the covers and scooted close enough to feel the heat radiating from his body. Unable to stop herself from touching him, she placed one hand on his chest, feeling the beat of his heart as she thought back to what the Doctor had told her.
Ten years. It seemed unfathomable. Adding his time on Solum, Chakotay had been away for a total of twelve years — longer than she'd known him prior to his disappearance. The two years she had spent searching for him had seemed interminable but paled in comparison to what he must have endured.
Physically, he seemed to have weathered the time well. There was just a little more gray in his hair and a few more lines on his face, the latter already less noticeable in sleep.
Emotionally, the impact was bound to be greater. And yet when she'd first laid eyes on him in the transporter room, it was as if they had said goodbye last week. His smile had been the same as at the Protostar's christening, his words almost an exact echo of her thoughts. Everything that had ever separated them — duty, time, or conflicting commitments — had become immaterial in that moment, evaporating in the face of their sheer joy of being reunited. And it seemed that they were finally on the same page at the same time.
Chakotay stirred again, mumbling something under his breath which could well be an approximation of her name. His forehead creased as if in deep concentration, but he still didn't wake.
At least you don't seem to be having nightmares, Kathryn mused. Are you dreaming of me? The thought made her smile.
As if in answer to her silent question, Chakotay rolled to face her again, trapping her hand between them. His arm reached out clumsily and caught her around the waist, his mouth curving into a half smile as he settled against her with a sigh.
Kathryn snuggled closer, burrowing into his warmth and reveling in the sensation of being held by the man she loved. She felt more content than she had in years, and they hadn't even properly kissed yet.
A chuckle escaped her when she thought back to the aborted kissing attempt. The grease had tasted too vile to ignore, but no trace of it remained now. Chakotay's face was smooth and clean, and Kathryn leaned in to place a soft kiss at the corner of his mouth.
Chakotay's lips twitched. She kissed him again, lingering against his skin as she breathed him in. His fingers tightened on her waist, then his eyelids fluttered briefly, suggesting that he was waking up. Kathryn freed her hand from between their bodies and combed it through the short hairs at his temple while she whispered, "I see you made yourself comfortable."
Chakotay hummed sleepily, turning his head to seek closer contact with her hand. Then his eyes snapped open and he bolted upright. "Kathryn! I'm sorry, I shouldn't have assumed —"
"Relax," she interrupted, smiling as she pulled him back down to lie beside her. "You assumed entirely correctly."
He blinked as if not quite awake yet, but then memory seemed to reassert itself and he grinned sheepishly. "You said I could use everything."
Kathryn laughed. "I did, and I meant it. But I wasn't sure how far you'd take me up on it."
"I meant to wait up for you, but after my shower I felt completely wiped out. And your bed looked far more comfortable than the couch."
"It is more comfortable, I can vouch for that." It was her turn to grin when he cocked a knowing eyebrow. "Plus, it has room for two."
"A definite advantage."
They were facing each other on the pillow, just far enough apart to see clearly in the low light. Her hand was lying on the blanket between them and he reached out to grasp it, nudging it upwards until their palms met and folding his fingers between hers. Kathryn felt her eyes growing misty when his thumb gently caressed her skin.
"I hear you celebrated a couple of birthdays without me," she said, struggling to keep her voice even.
Chakotay sighed and squeezed her hand. "Not by choice... No, actually it was my choice. One of the hardest I ever made, but I knew I had to do it for the Federation, and for you. We agreed it was the only way to keep everyone safe."
She already knew, but hearing it from him still felt different. "Who was we?"
"Adreek and I, and your hologram, of course. She was an excellent advisor, even at the times I didn't want to listen." He chuckled, but she could see that the memory was laced with sadness.
"Tell me about her."
He was silent for a while, his thumb still caressing her knuckles. Kathryn almost wished she hadn't asked, but she knew they would have to talk about her alter ego eventually.
"She is very much like you," Chakotay finally said. "A younger, very enthusiastic but less versatile you. Most of the time, I enjoyed talking to her, even though her scope of experience is limited. Since she has never left the Protostar, that's no big surprise." He smiled softly. "But she is also very different."
"In what way?"
His smile turned impish. "For example, she never once complained about missing a bathtub."
Kathryn laughed with him. "If she had, would you have built her one?"
Chakotay instantly sobered. "No. I was grateful that I wasn't alone, that I had someone other than myself to talk to, someone who would even oppose and challenge me. But at the end of the day, she was less real to me than the Doctor." At her questioning frown, he elaborated, "I know you too well, Kathryn. I knew she was supposed to emulate you, and she succeeded up to a point. But she didn't make me miss you any less, if that's what you're wondering about."
Relief and sorrow washed through Kathryn at his words — relief that her slight bout of jealousy had been unfounded, and sorrow about the loneliness he'd had to endure despite the hologram's presence.
Chakotay tugged on her hand, pulling her closer. "But at least I finally had a Janeway serving under me," he joked, and she burst out laughing at the memory of him putting the question to her so many years ago, and his boyish joy about finally having found the answer she'd refused him then.
"Don't get used to it," she advised in a mock-threatening tone, freeing her hand to thump his chest and then blushing when his eyes flashed and she realized the double entendre behind her words.
They quieted, once more regarding each other across the pillow, a little closer than before. Kathryn's hand still rested against Chakotay's chest, feeling his heartbeat through the fabric of his shirt.
His hand reached up to smooth her hair back from her face, behind her ear, fingertips lingering against her neck. She couldn't suppress a shiver of anticipation and he smiled, reaching up again to trace the shell of her ear.
"What did Jellico want?"
She moistened her lips, watching his pupils dilate as his eyes dropped to her mouth. They were still barely touching, but the intimacy of the moment was palpable, amplified by the almost darkness and their soft voices. She shifted closer to him and their knees touched under the blanket, skin sliding against skin as she pushed one of her legs between his.
"The Valiant picked up a protowarp signature near our location, so he wanted to know if we knew anything about that. I had the Doctor with me, and he recounted what the cadets told him about finding you and retrieving the Protostar. Jellico wanted to get your account as well, but I told him you were resting." Kathryn grinned when Chakotay's eyebrows rose in amusement. "He'll expect a full debriefing tomorrow though."
"Then I'll worry about it tomorrow." His hand moved again, smoothing down her neck and skipping over the strap of her tank top to follow the curve of her bare shoulder down her arm, leaving a tingling sensation in the wake of his touch. "Right now, I'm more concerned with tonight." Tugging the blanket free from around them, he pushed it down to their waists, his fingertips finding the hem of her top and slipping beneath it to graze the skin just above the line of her panties.
Kathryn shivered. Whether it was from his touch, or the cool air now reaching her exposed skin, she wasn't sure. Maybe it was a combination of both. When his hand moved around to her back, now fully sliding beneath the fabric of her top and rubbing circles along her spine, she began unfastening his shirt, taking her own sweet time to uncover his body button by tiny button.
When she had reached halfway down his stomach, Chakotay caught her hands, stilling their movement. His eyes roamed her face, first studying her own eyes, then moving lower to her mouth.
Leaning forward, Kathryn pressed her lips to his.
Whenever she had, in the past, contemplated if and when they would ever reach this point in their relationship, she had always thought that the first touch of their lips would ignite their passion like a supernova. She had envisioned them hastily tearing the clothes from each other's bodies in wanton lust, eager to finally consummate their love and reaching a triumphant, soul-shattering peak in record time.
Her fantasy could not have been farther from the tender reality of their first true kiss.
Chakotay had wrapped his arm around her back again, drawing her whole body closer. Other than that, they were still barely moving. Their lips touched gently again and again, alternately nipping and sucking, their tongues playfully chasing while they learned the taste of each other. There was passion simmering just below the surface, but neither felt any reason to rush the exploration.
When Kathryn had to break away for air, Chakotay kissed along her jaw and buried his face against her neck. "Oh Kathryn," he murmured, his lips caressing the soft skin at the base of her throat. "I love you so much. I dreamed about you almost every night, but I didn't expect to ever see you again."
"It's a dream come true for me as well," she breathed, reaching for the back of his head and coaxing him to lift his face again so she could look deep into his eyes. "I keep expecting to wake up and find you gone again."
He brushed his lips across hers, stealing another kiss. "I can't promise that I'll never leave again. The Protostar still needs to be returned to Tars Lamora, and that means we're not done time-traveling yet."
Kathryn sighed. "I know. But could you at least try not to get lost again?"
"How about you get lost with me?" Chakotay winked.
She pretended to consider the idea. "Maybe I should. At least it would save me from having to deal with Jellico. Can we pick a more populated place than last time to get lost in?"
He stared in surprise for a moment but then broke out laughing and hugged her close. "I'll see what I can do."
She stayed in his embrace even after their laughter died down, listening to his heartbeat and thinking back to the planet that had been their solitary home for three months. It seemed like a lifetime ago, and yet she vividly recalled how delighted she had been when Chakotay had presented his plans for building a boat, and how crushed she had felt mere minutes later, when 'the rest of our lives' had suddenly turned into 'thirty hours'.
Chakotay ran his hand down her arm again. "New Earth was good to us," he said, but it sounded like a question rather than a statement.
"Yes, it was," she replied quietly. "I could have been happy there with you."
"I sensed that. But I also sensed that you weren't quite ready to admit it."
"With a little more time, I would have." She pushed herself up to be able to look at him again, gratified to see that his expression showed understanding and not sadness. "Do you think we have a chance this time?"
"I don't know. But I want to try."
"Me too. I love you, Chakotay."
They kissed again, and this time, they didn't stop. When Chakotay tugged the hem of her tank top upwards, Kathryn let him pull it over her head and then used his distraction to undo the last few buttons on his shirt. The blanket soon fell away over the side of the bed, followed by the scant remains of their clothing, baring them to each other at last.
Much later, they kissed again, sleepily this time, sated bodies cuddled close under the recovered blanket. Chakotay fell asleep quickly, but Kathryn lay awake for some time, enjoying the feel of him next to her and replaying the day's events in her mind.
She knew that recovering Chakotay and the Protostar was just an intermediate step in their ultimate goal of healing the timeline. No doubt Chakotay would still need time to truly come to terms with the loss of his crew and the years of his exile, time they didn't really have at the moment. There were too many questions still needing answers, and the road ahead wouldn't be easy. She took comfort in the fact that at least they would travel that road together now. They had finally made the commitment they'd both been longing for for years, and she was determined to make it last.
With that thought firmly anchored in her mind, she finally relaxed and let the sound of his heartbeat lull her into sleep.
-==/\==-
Chakotay startled awake in the dead of night, Kathryn's name on his lips, as always. After a panicked moment of disorientation, he fell back heavily against the bed, his mind replaying the nightmare that had woken him.
Mirror Janeway was chasing him through Voyager's corridors, her soldiers pouring from every intersection to cut off his escape routes. When she finally backed him into a corner, stepping so close that he could see his own reflection in her cruelly familiar eyes, his own double appeared behind her. Mirror Chakotay carried something that looked like a mobile holographic emitter, but which he revealed to be a portable agonizer. After attaching the torture device to Chakotay's arm, the evil command team shared a passionate kiss before they turned back to him and promised him the worst kind of pain he could fathom.
Chakotay took several deep breaths to calm his racing heart. He almost laughed at the notion that the many dreams he'd had about Kathryn Janeway during their separation, ranging from sweet declarations of love to desperate pleas for help, had obviously gained another dimension, and not one that he relished revisiting.
Whenever he'd been plagued by nightmares on Ysida, Hologram Janeway had done her best to calm him, but her photonic touch had always left him yearning for the real thing. By contrast, the moment Kathryn had rushed into his arms in the transporter room, his whole body had relaxed. It wasn't that the hologram had felt different — holographic technology had long ago mastered the art of creating incredibly lifelike humanoid bodies, down to the texture and temperature of the skin — but the simple fact that he'd known that she wasn't the living, breathing Kathryn Janeway had made all the difference.
As if on cue, he heard a deep sigh, followed by a few mumbled words he couldn't make out. Turning his head, he found that Kathryn had rolled away from him in sleep, taking most of the blanket with her. Chakotay smiled to himself. Sharing a bed with the woman he loved was bound to bring a few surprises, but he wouldn't trade the experience for anything in the world. With her, he knew that he had finally found the peace that had eluded him for so long.
He slid over to spoon against her back, pulling the blanket over both of them again. When he draped his arm around her and took her hand, settling in as close as possible, she stirred.
"Chakotay?" she asked sleepily, half turning towards him. "What's wrong?"
"Sssh, go back to sleep." He nudged her until she faced forward again and kissed her neck, deeply inhaling her scent, a scent he'd missed for twelve long years. "Everything's alright."
And at that moment, it was.
-==/ The End. \==-