This disclaimer telling you that I don't own GI Joe characters isn't paid for by anyone or anything. More election mayhem from my tiny little brain. What would Cobra Commander say to get elected? Anything.
Cobra Commander's Barbecue Chats
"Hello America!" Cobra Commander was standing at a barbecue. He was wearing an apron saying Grill Commander In Chief over his uniform. "Presidential candidate Cobra Commander here. I've heard of other presidents giving fireside chats. I'm doing one better! Barbecue Chats!"
"Be honest! What's more American than barbecue? Grilling meat and drinking alcohol! That's the life!"
"Today I'm here to talk about issues that real Americans are concerned with," Cobra Commander explained. "For example, do we really need that many more Housewives shows? I mean come on! How many times do we need to watch rich women full of Botox fight over nothing? Don't get me wrong I'm all for them going to jail but enough is enough."
"I will however accept a scripted show parodying these rich women. Honestly that show writes itself. I can see a lot of funny actresses playing those parts."
"Which moves us on to the economy. Prices are so high for less stuff. Shrinkflation! I don't want to pay an extra two bucks for a product I've been buying for years only to find out I'm getting ten percent less stuff! Even I know this is wrong."
"We need to go after these huge corporate monopolies…And cut them into tiny pieces! Just cut them all up so they're forced to compete with each other and bring the prices down!"
"Except for the cable and streaming industries. I plan to bring them all under the government so that half the services will be free and the other half you don't pay more than ten dollars a month for it. Twenty if you want to skip commercials."
"Saving the planet is one thing but we all miss plastic straws. I can understand reusable. I have one built into my helmet but I get not everyone is that fortunate. How about biodegradable straws that feel like plastic but aren't? There's a company right there that can create jobs!"
"While I'm on the subject, Starbucks what's the deal with changing your iced coffee recipe? You think we wouldn't notice? Has no one learned the lesson of New Coke? Go back to the old recipe! If it ain't broke! Don't fix it!"
"Let's talk about education. Face it, we're not doing enough to bring our students into the next century. Which spoiler alert, is already here! What do we do?"
"First thing we do is dump all the non-essential classes. Like advanced English literature, sociology, social studies, philosophy, algebra. Let's be real, 85 five percent of the population doesn't even use math without a calculator! That's it! We change math classes to learn how to use a calculator. Win-Win!"
"We replace them with real classes! Computer programming, plumbing, electric work…We need to keep music classes obviously. I mean where else are we going to get the next pop music icon or Tik Tok sensation?"
"Also, I have expressed my belief in supporting teachers. And giving them access to mace and tasers. And letting them legally beat up the students again. Or let some professional nuns go into the schools to do that. Say what you will about the past, but there were a lot fewer school shootings when the kids knew the teachers could hit back!"
"I am however against electrocution therapy on students with real behavioral and mental issues. Just drug them like the regular students. And some of the parents."
"You know something has been really bugging me. I'd like to say it. I'm sick of these live action remakes of popular movies! Leave Snow White alone! It was perfect just as it was! I don't want to see a live remake of the same movie! If you want to make a Snow White movie, come up with a different script! Okay? Maybe Dopey and Prince what's his name could get kidnapped by another evil queen and Snow White and the dwarves have to go rescue them or something? Just a thought."
"I believe in green spaces in our cities. Seriously. Put a bunch of plants on every flat rooftop and that will cut down the carbon emissions. Also, I would eliminate parking problems in each city. Oh yes, public transportation and all that. Monorails really should be a thing by now. But also, I believe in destroying some of the lower income houses that are falling apart anyway and turning them into parking lots. You know that will make a lot of money for the city."
"But what about the people living there? Relocation to lovely new colonies on Mars! Where they can have new jobs and fresh air…Just as soon as we terraform the planet a little so that it can make oxygen that is."
"That also cuts down on the population of cities and the need for parking lots!"
"I'm also bringing back the Weather Dominator. Seriously, after all the wildfires, hurricanes, typhoons, tornadoes, earthquakes, mudslides, blizzards…Last summer alone caused twenty times more damage than my Weather Dominator ever did! Come on! You want to fight climate change? This is how you fight climate change!"
"So I made it snow in the Sahara? For a day? Big deal!"
"It's not like it didn't melt!"
"That's all for now. Until next time, keep the grills hot and the alcoholic beverage of your choice cold! Cobra Commander out!"
"And cut," Zartan called out. He was in a director's chair wearing a director's beret. The Dreadnoks were operating the cameras. Destro was standing next to him.
Destro sighed. "Really Zartan?"
"What?" Zartan asked. "I've always wanted to direct!"
"I think that went well, didn't you?" Cobra Commander asked as he walked over to them.
"Barbecue chats?" Destro asked.
"Destro, you have to reach the people and speak to them in a context they understand," Cobra Commander explained. "Barbecue and beer are pretty much the love language of half of the country. And I have to admit some of these beers have a decent kick."
"Commander," Destro sighed. "I've been meaning to have a word with you on this latest…uh…"
"Farce?" Zartan suggested.
"That's the word," Destro nodded. "Commander, you know you're not going to win this election, right?"
"Well of course not Destro!" Cobra Commander scoffed. "I mean come on, even I can't get past the Electoral College. That thing is way too complicated. Should have been done away with years ago."
"Then why…?" Destro began.
"So I can totally screw with the election process!" Cobra Commander explained. "I'm gonna pull a Ross Perot and totally mess with the final tallies!"
"This is all a game to you?" Destro was stunned.
"I'm just having some fun," Cobra Commander waved. "And totally giving GI Joe a headache at the same time! You know they're going to have their uptight tails in a knot over this!"
Zartan shrugged. "He's already ten points ahead of RF Kennedy."
"Well, who isn't?" Cobra Commander waved. "Even the dead animals he left all over Central Park poll higher than he does. I'm just messing with the main candidates. Doesn't matter to me who wins or loses. As long as I can annoy them, I'm good."
Destro chuckled. "It is rather amusing now that I think about it. Who do you have in mind for your vice president?"
"Anyone two or three IQ points ahead of Admiral Stockdale," Cobra Commander admitted.
"Well that lets the Dreadnoks out," Zartan remarked. "Technically that's a tie but still…"
Cobra Commander explained. "Basically, I'm looking for someone who will trend well but is totally non-threatening to my position in power. And I know won't be capable of stabbing me in the back to take power."
Destro blinked. "That explains Dan Quayle. And several other vice presidents now that I think about it."
"I'll pick someone randomly in a week or so," Cobra Commander waved. "Let the media buzz over it speculating."
"You should pick whoever would give GI Joe the most headaches," Zartan suggested. "Which puts the Dreadnoks back in the running."
"Hang on," Cobra Commander realized something. "What am I thinking? There's one candidate who's perfect for the job! I can't believe it took me this long to figure it out!"
"Really? Who?" Destro asked.
A week later…
"Greetings America!" Cobra Commander waved. He was once again by the barbecue. "Cobra Commander here. There's been much speculation about who will be my vice president and there's only one man that's perfect for the position. Without further ado…My choice for vice president is…"
"MEEEEEEEE!" Crystal Ball rolled on a table next to Cobra Commander. "Crystal Ball!"
"Think about it," Cobra Commander told the audience. "The Vice President's job is mostly to be a talking head for the president. This time we have a literal one!"
"And I'm already dead so…" Crystal Ball admitted. "So vote for Cobra Commander and me! Crystal Ball! I see the future and it is bright!"
Back at the Pit….
"THIS IS NUTS!" Duke shouted. "HOW THE HELL CAN COBRA COMMANDER HAVE CRYSTAL BALL AS HIS VICE PRESIDENT?"
"Well, he is from Maine," Mainframe shrugged.
"So was Tim Kaine!" Shipwreck pointed out. "Didn't do Hillary any good."
"Who's Tim Kaine?" Mainframe asked.
"My point exactly," Shipwreck told him.
"I was thinking more along the lines that he's dead!" Duke shouted. "Crystal Ball is dead! He's a ghost floating around in an actual crystal ball! He can't be vice president!"
"Technically there's nothing in the constitution that says that ghosts can't be elected officials," Shipwreck pointed out.
"Oh, don't you start!" Flint snapped. "Duke, calm down. Cobra Commander is never going to be president. And he knows it!"
"Well then why is he doing this?" Duke snapped. "What's his angle?"
"Probably to mess with us," Shipwreck shrugged.
"It's working," Mainframe admitted.
"Maybe we should check out what the other candidates are talking about?" Lady Jaye suggested.
"You mean the anti-vaccination roadkill collector?" Duke groaned.
"I was talking about the other two candidates," Lady Jaye sighed. "The ones who have an actual chance of winning?"
"You mean the one who's now a convicted felon and still under trial for several charges and started a riot?" Shipwreck asked. "Or the other one who flip flops on issues, was supposed to fix the border but didn't and practically stole the nomination without any actual votes or the usual process?"
"Oh, come on," Flint told him. "Okay so the Democratic nominee was nominated a little differently than usual but that doesn't mean she stole it! There were extenuating circumstances."
"Yeah," Shipwreck gave him a look. "The Democrats realized they weren't going to win with the candidate they already had!"
"He's not wrong," Mainframe groaned. "That debate was bad. Admiral Stockdale bad."
"On both sides," Duke moaned.
Lady Jaye spoke up. "I'm going with the flip flopper who's not a convicted felon. Politicians flip flop on issues anyway…And honestly nobody really expected her to fix the border in a few months."
"I don't know," Mainframe admitted. "My stock portfolio went pretty high under the other guy. If it wasn't for that damn riot…"
"He's a criminal!" Lady Jaye snapped.
"So are half the politicians in the House and Senate!" Mainframe told her. "The only difference was he was too obvious and got caught! Hang on…Now I have to reconsider my vote."
"Me too," Shipwreck admitted.
Duke was banging his head against the wall. "I can't stand it. I can't stand it."
"November can't get here fast enough," Flint admitted.