I watched V cut Debbie's hair. "Got semolina, seven-grain and whole wheat" Fiona yelled as she walked through the lounge room, she had been at work all morning. "You work at a bakery and all you stole was bread? Where are the chillers and turnovers?" V asked "we want sugar" Debbie said. "Yeah? Too bad. Free toast for a week. Who wants a sandwich" Fi said as she pulled her gloves off. "Mine with the crusts off. How was your wake and bake?" Steve said as he came downstairs. "Two am start time, I don't know how Lucia does it" fi said. Steve whispered something to her as she got some milk out of the fridge. "Hey you got to do something with that toilet" V said "what's wrong with it?" Fi asked. "Nothing if you don't mind squatting over it so your ass doesn't touch the water" v said. "Did you try and fix it" "Hell, no. I just got my nails done. Lucy you're up" V said as Debbie got out of the seat. Fi opened a drawer "where the hell are the knifes, Carl!" She screamed. She looked at me "Lucy?" "I didn't do anything" I said. "Yeah, that's convincing" V said as she put the cloak around me. "They were throwing knives at each other in the backyard" Debbie said as Carl came down the stairs "snitches get stitches" Carl told Debbie and pushed her in the back "hey! Go get the knives. Why the hell would you do that? Both of you?" Fiona said. Carl sighed and went out the back. "So tonight, what do you think?" Steve said "like I'm going to a hotel tonight" Fi said as she grabbed the plunger from under the sink. "A great thing about hotels is that the toilets actually work" steve said. "We don't need no toilets" I said. "Yeah we do, you'll get frost bite on your bum with you try to take a dump outside in this weather" Fi said. I laughed. "Nearly done" V said. "V!" Kev yelled from the door. "Lip found a meat truck, we going to open it up and get what's in it" he said. "What?!" V said. "Yeah, meat time!" I said and ripped the cloak off and ran to get my coat and boots. "Get the wheelbarrows" Kev yelled.
Lip, Mandy and Ian were waiting for us. They busted the lock then climbed in, there were boxes of meat and legs hanging from the roof. "Wow!" V said. We quickly loaded up our wheelbarrows with the best stuff, it barely made a dint in it though. "Go let everyone else around here know" Fi said. I quickly ran off and started banging on doors. "Free meat" I told everyone. When I got back to the truck there was a line of wheelbarrows and people. Lip, Kev and Carl were back for round two. The meat was all gone within 30min.
When I got back home everyone was in the backyard, Kev was taking a chainsaw to one of the legs. "Oh cool!" I yelled and rushed over to watch. After a quick meat fight and then some time simply stabbing the meat with a knife Lip decided to set up a grill. "You think you guys can survive one night without Fiona?" Steve yelled from the balcony. "Yes!" I yelled an image of the awesome meat party we would have popped into my mind. "No!" Debbie squealed "what?" I said to her "ah, kidding" she said "sure" Carl said "yeah, have a great time" lip said. "Debs, go pick up Liam from Shelias" Fi yelled. "No, wait Deb hold on" Steve yelled. I went over to Carl, "we can have a party!" I said to him. Lip came over to us "don't look too excited" he whispered.
We walked into the lounge room. Fiona was sitting on the couch surrounded by mail. "What's all this?" Lip asked "franks bills" Fi said. "680 dollars at Murphys liquor" fi read out. Lip looked over her shoulder "1200 at the windy titty?" Lip said and grabbed another envelope "a grand to big Lenny" Debbie read as she opened one too. "Since when has he taken credit cards?" I asked. We continued to open the mail. "He bought a 65 inch flat screen. Where the hell is that?" Lip said. "Hey… Fiona?" I said as I read my name at the top of the bill, I gave the bill to her. "Let me see those" she said and grabbed the ones Carl and Debbie were reading. "Unbelievable" Fiona said. "What?" Debbie said. "He used our names to get the cards" Fi said. "Cool, I just got a subscription to Penthouse" Carl said and laughed. "Does that mean I have to pay for all that stuff?" I asked. "Shit!" Lip said and got up.
We were all digging into our meat. Frank wandered into the kitchen "what happened to you?" Lip asked him. "Uh, a huge guy jumped me. Two eighty, 290, steroid .. who knows?" Frank said "good for him" Lip said "basically a hero" I added. "I need your help" Frank said and looked at debbie. "I got maybe 2 bucks" debbie said "no, no, no. Show of hands, how many of you at one point or another wanted to see me dead?" Frank said. I dropped my piece of meat and put both my hands in the air as fast as I could. Everyone else raised a hand too. "Yeah! here's your chance" Frank said.
Carl and I were told to go get flowers, cards and candles. Debbie got a suit from the dry cleaners. Lip and Kev found a hurst and coffin. While V and Frank figured out a way to make Frank look dead.
Lip woke me up the next morning "we have a couple more things to organise Luce, you know someone who works at the cemetery yeah?" I took some meat to Mr Xinaba who worked at the cemetery. He said we could put the coffin in a hole before it was used by someone else. And I found a homeless guy that was happy to pretend to be a priest for $50. Carl managed to get some robes from the church too.
I followed Debbie down the stairs "I don't think the veil is necessary" I told her. "What's going on?" I heard Fiona ask. She and Steve were standing by the front door. "Some killers are after Dad. We have to fake his death. Lip borrowed a casket, Carl found some flowers. Dads getting changed. I put your black dress out, you'll have to hurry because they'll be here any minute" Debbie said. "You don't have to wear a stupid veil thing" I added. Debbie slapped my arm. "Lucy get over here and help" V said.
"Stuff more ice in his shirt" Fiona said, Carl was given that task. "Your body needs to be cold" Fi told Frank. "More morphine" Frank said and slapped away the makeup brush Debbie was using. "It's horse tranquilizer" V said "get in the coffin before you pass out Frank" Lip said. "Just a little taste" Frank said. "I don't even know why we do this for you" lip said. Frank stumbled to his feet. "You think it's easy being a parent? Letting Fiona be the good cop? The important thing is you kids. Carl, I remember when the nurse in the hospital handed you to me" Frank said and grabbed Carl by the shoulders. "Carl was born in the back of the van, you weren't there" lip said and walked over to Frank "I slapped his arse myself" Frank said. Lip punched him in the face. Debbie screamed. "Nice!" I yelled and chuckled. "Get him in the coffin" V said. Steve helped Lip lift Frank in. "Looks dead" V said. "Lip that was so cool" I said and pushed past the other to get a look at fake dead Frank. "Hey, Carl more ice" V said. Carl put in a couple more bags while Debbie patted Franks head. "Look out the window for them" Fi told me. Someone turned on some sad music and lit the candles. A truck pulled up and two guys got out.
"They are here" I said and rushed back to the coffin. "Ok kids look sad, cry" Fi said and grabbed my shoulders so I was standing in front of her. I let my eyes tear up. The two guys walked in. "Sorry for your loss" one of them said. "It was a shock" Fi sobbed "I'm sure" the other guy said. "Accident, was it?" They asked "suicide" Lip said. We all sobbed, Fi turned to hug Steve. The guy ran to the coffin and grabbed Frank. Debbie screamed. "I know you're faking it. Come on, open your eyes, you lying, squirrelly sack of shit" the guy yelled. "No, daddy" I yelled. Debbie wailed. The guy slapped Frank. "Jesus, Rob" the other guy said and pulled Rob away from the coffin. "You're not dead, I know it" Rob yelled "what's the matter with you? Look at him, he's dead. Sorry, he's been under a lot of stress guys" the other guy said. "Ok check with the boss, nobody move" Rob said. Debbie closed the coffin and Carl sneaked outside. "Yeah, there's nothing here worth taking. Unless you want two little girls, ones 11-12 not that pretty though, the others beautiful but probably too young, only 6 maybe" the guy said into his phone. "Yeah, she's small too, wouldn't last long. How about Frank? Any toes, fingers, you know, for proof?" The guy paused for a bit. "Ok, keeps his extremities". "So you'll go now?" Lip said "soon as he's in the ground" "what? No, I …" Debbie said. Lip walked over to her "shush it's ok, he is in a better place already. We need to bury him Debs. The priest is probably already waiting" Lip said and hugged Debbie. The sound of smashing glass and a car alarm came from outside. "Damn it" Rob said and both the guys rushed outside. "They want to bury him?" Steve said. "Already sorted, there's a hole waiting at Evergreen" I said "and a priest for the service right?" Lip asked. "Yep, I set him up before coming home" "what?" Debbie said "it occurred to me this morning" lip said. "Good way to get rid of all those bones and fat too" I said. "Quick, I need a hand bringing it in and get Frank out of the coffin" Lip said. Fiona and Steve picked up Frank and chucked him in the closet and we tipped the meat in the coffin. Getting the coffin out of the house was a struggle "Lucys not doing anything!" Debbie complained "I can't even reach it" I said back to her. "Shut up, you two" Fi told us. the two guys ended up helping us.
"Could I have your attention, please?" Kevin said and raised a glass "uh, Frank Gallagher. Loving husband, devoted father". I looked at Lip and smirked, he was doing the same to Fi "truly respected and cherished member of this community, he was a good friend and a good neighbour and he will be sorely missed. I just hope in the afterlife they treat him as kindly as he treated us. To frank" "to Frank" everyone said and raised a glass. The two guys got up "long trip to Milwaukie" Rob said to V and they left. Everyone watched them go then Lip locked the door. We all started smiling at each other "gonna take more then that to put out the lights on Frank Gallagher" Frank yelled as he come out of the back room. People clapped and cheered. "Next rounds on me. Yeah!"
Pretty soon everyone was drunk and dancing. Frank got up to sing. There was a loud crash from the corner "oh, fuck, Frank. Another tv?" Kev yelled out.