Danny and T.W. go to War

By Z. H. Hale

France, 1944

As the planes soared overhead and the bombs blew around them, the soldiers laughed. They were all gathered in front of a destroyed stage in a half-blown theater. The centerpiece were two men, dressed up in cheap costumes, reenacting an old English play. One of them, a turtle, was dressed in a flowery dress, with fairy wings. The other, his face hidden behind a donkey mask, was dressed in old trousers and a blue tripped shirt.

"I pray thee, gentle mortal, sing again," The turtle said aloud in shrill voice, "Mine ear is much enamour'd of thy note."

The Turtle spun around in gracious manner. "So is mine eye enthralled to thy shape. And thy fair virtue's force perforce doth move me. On the first view to say, to swear, I love thee."

As the soldiers snickered, the donkey man stomped on the ground and crossed his arms. Then called out in a low, boisterous voice, "Me thinks, mistress, you should have little reason for that."

The donkey then let go his cross and gently approached the turtle. "And yet, to say the truth, reason and love keep little company together now-a-days. The more the pity that some honest neighbors will not make them friends.

He took the turtles hand and locked eyes with him through the donkey mask. "Nay, I can gleek upon occasion."

The turtle gasped. "Thou art as wise as thou art beautiful."

The two embraced and the soldiers cheered. Both humans and animals, all readied in army uniforms, clapped their hands, hooves and paws, as the donkey and turtle bowed.

The play duo was about to start their next scene, when

BOOM!

A loud blast shook the theater. The soldiers all ducked, grasping their rifles.

"BOMB!" One of them yelled.

The whole building shook so much, one would think the bomb came down on top of them. Streams of dust fell down from the ceiling. There was loud creaking as the building settled. Suddenly, a giant spotlight came down from the heavens and into the building. The soldiers scattered as it struck the ground.

"They found us!" A gorilla shouted. "Let's get out there!"

As soldiers began spilling out of the building, the donkey grabbed the turtle's arm.

"Come on."

The donkey pulled the turtle behind the curtains and into the backstage. Laying on one of the chairs, was a soldier uniform, helmet and a rifle. The turtle immediately went for the chair and began taking off the fairy wings. "Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, get off me you cursed thing."

After taking a glance around the room, he asked the donkey, "Where's yours?"

The donkey groaned. "It's in the bathroom. I'll go get it. Be right back."

He then hurried and disappeared behind a door.

The Turtle looked through his belongings and pulled out a mouser. After checking the bullet compartment, he cocked it.

"Put it down."

The turtle felt the cold barrel of a gun behind his head. He dropped the mouser and threw both arms into the air.

"Turn around."

The turtle obeyed and met a German Rex Cat holding a Nambu pistol. His small yellow furred head popped out of a long, grey overcoat. A jet-black captain's hat sat in between his ears.

"Who are you?"

"N-n-nobody, really." The turtle stuttered.

"Nobody here but us turtles." He added with a small giggle.

The cat looked down at his dress. "What are you wearing?"

"It's a theater costume. I am dressed as Titania, the queen of the-"

"Who are you?!" The cat cocked his gun. "Really?"

The turtle's lips trembled. "Ok, I admit it. I am T.W. Turtle. Yes, the T.W. Turtle?"

"Am I supposed to know who you are?"

"Do you?"

"No."

T.W. shook off the disappointment and said, "I'm an actor. I was just preforming a play for the soldiers."

"A play?" The cat leaned in closer, the muzzle of his gun nearly touching T.W.'s chest.

"Yes!" T.W. cried, feeling the gun, "The soldiers were depressed. Drown out by the war. We wanted to do something to brighten their spirits. It was Danny's idea."

"Whose Danny?"

T.W. stopped. "Uh...nobody."

The cat looked over him and smiled. "An actor, huh? Come with me."

"What? But-"

"Now."

As T.W. was escorted away, Danny the cat came out of the bathroom, fully dressed in a soldier's uniform. He threw the donkey mask to the ground, and began to brush off his orange fur when he caught sight of T.W. and the cat. He ducked and watched them leave through a door. Very slowly, he crept toward it and cracked the door open. Outside, T.W. and the cat were meeting up with another cat in the same overcoat.

The other cat asked, "What, Commander?"

"Captain," The cat commander patted T.W. on the shoulder. "This here is an American actor. He could make for some good ransom."

"You think so?"

"Yessssss." The cat smiled like he ate the canary. "He could also be good entertainment for the general."

"Oh!" The cat captain snapped his fingers. "That reminds me. We just got a telegram saying the general's car had just reached the outskirts of town. He'll be arriving any minute."

"Then take this one to the others and I'll go see to the general."

"Very well, Commander Scratch!"

The captain stomped his foot and raised his right arm into the air. The commander did the same. As the captain gripped T.W., the turtle looked toward the commander and said, "You are by far the worst cat I've ever met. I should know, I've met some pretty good ones."

The commander rolled his eyes and waved his hand. The captain pulled T.W. away. After which, Commander Scratch left as well. When they were out of sight, Danny pushed the door the rest of the way and tip toed after them.

Outside, he gasped. The soldiers he was entertaining were all lined up on the street, kneed down on the ground with their hands behind their heads. Soldiers in grey uniforms were walking up and down the lines smiling down at their new prisoners. When two were coming his way, Danny ducked out of sight behind a fallen piece of a wall. Getting one lost good look at the scene, he went back inside the destroyed theater.

With the street compromised, Danny needed a new escape route. So, he snuck out the back door and came to the back alleys. There were no soldiers there. So, he moved across town using the back alleys. He kept behind the buildings, away from the street. He was careful to watch every alley he passed, for a scouting soldier might spot him.

He then came to the entrance of the town and saw more soldiers. He quickly hid behind a dirt mound. He laid belly down and peeked up. It was the barricade blocking the entrance to the town. Numerous grey soldier stood guard with loaded guns. Danny moved back down and punched the dirt. There was no going for help.

He then dove into his pockets and pulled out a worn-out photo. It showed a female cat with beautiful snow-white fur, holding a pudgy, child penguin close. Scribbled under them were inky words saying Wish you were here. Get home soon.

Next to the words, was the dried-out imprint of a red kiss. Danny's lips trembled and he kissed the photo. As if he was speaking directly to the people in it, he said, "Stay warm for me guys. I'll be home soon."

He took a deep breath, stuffed the photo back in his pocket and peeked back over the mound. The soldier were opening the barricade. In came a long sedan that all the soldiers eyed with pride. It parked and out of the backseat came a mammoth like soldier in general uniform; their face hidden behind a gas mask. As the general towered over the over soldiers, Commander Scratch approached them and said in awe, "General Lionheart, may I be the first to welcome you to our new outpost."

He extended his hand toward the general, who shook it with indifference.

"My soldiers have worked to the bone in order to win this town," the Commander explained, "May I show you-"

Then, through the gas mask, the general interrupted with a voice like an organ piano. "Would you excuse me? I need to be alone."

"Yes, sir."

The general let go of the commander's shaking hand and walked away from the barricade. He was approaching the dirt mound. Danny panicked and took cover. The general stopped right above him. He unhooked the gas mask and took it off, revealing a proud lion face. He rubbed his forehead and said with a more gracious tone. "Oh, dear me, I can hardly bare these fumes."

"I know, especially the mustard gas," Danny replied.

"Exactly-wait what?!"

As the general looked down, Danny grabbed his uniform and pulled him over the dirt mound. Pinning him down, and using a nearby pipe blown off a building, Danny let down a few blows on the lion's head. Though the General tried to fight back, within a few moments, he was consciousness. Danny smiled. He had a plan.

A few years back, before the war, Danny starred in a musical adaptation of Shakespear's Hamlet. He won the part of the villainess Lord Claudius, yet felt like he didn't have the sense of power or imitation needed for the character. So, despite the protests of the theater, Danny tied two buckets to his feet and extended his arms via wooden planks. After which he put on the costume and acted out the character. That's exactly what he did with the general.

He left the unconscious General Lionheart tied up behind a building, stripped of his uniform. After getting the buckets and planks on, he wore the uniform. It was hard, as to get the planks through the sleeves without tearing them. He also placed gloves on the end of the planks. Then he put on the gas mask. It was big for his head, but he managed. Then, he carefully walked out into the open and toward the barricade. The soldiers greeted him back yet noticed the odd new limp the general had. With General Danny in the sedan, the solders escorted him to the center of the city.

"Come on, you."

The soldier pushed T.W. onto a platform in the middle of the street. Behind him was a grand highchair for the general and in front of him were lines of green soldiers still helplessly pinned down on the sidewalks. In between the green soldiers, were rows of grey soldiers staring at him. As T.W. got in place, General Danny came stumbling up towards them as the grey soldiers helped him onto the platform. After stopping to see T.W., he was seated in his chair. Commander Scratch came walking up and knelt in front of Danny proudly. "My dear General, as you can see, we have successfully taken the village from the enemy."

Danny looked over his fellow soldiers, both humans and animals, being held at gun point, and reluctantly mumbled, "Good job..."

"We have also captured this American actor."

He walked back to T.W. and grabbed him by the shoulder. "This is T.W. Turtle. We believe he will make for good ransom. To celebrate our capture of the town, I believe Mr. Turtle can treat us to a little song."

T.W. eyes met the commanders.

"Won't you, Mr. Turtle? Please, indulge us."

The commander smiled as T.W. frowned. The turtle looked out toward the crowd and choked. After thinking for a few dreadful moments, he said aloud, "Well...I know this one song that I think you would like. Do we have any instruments?"

"Yes, we do," The commander answered, "Please tell me."

T.W. whispered into his ear and the commander nodded. He walked to a group of soldiers and gave them orders. They walked out of the scene and came back with their army's band.

With instruments at the ready and the Commander seated next to General Danny, T.W. faced the crowd again. He took a deep breath and cued the band. They erupted in a trumpet led blare and T.W. began the song.

" When I was mustered out,

I thought without a doubt,

That I was through with all my care and striiiiiife.

I thought that I was then,

The happiest of men,

But after months of tough civilian life,

Hoppity doo! Hi!

Gee, I wish I was back in the Aaaaarmy.

The Army wasn't really bad at all.

Three meals a day,

For which you didn't pay.

Uniforms for winter, spring and fall.

Theeeeere's a lot to be said for the Aaaaarmy.

The life without responsibility.

A soldier out of luck.

Was really never stuck.

There's always someone higher up where you can pass the buck.

Oh, gee, I wish I was back in the Aaaaarmy!"

Tap dancing back and forth across the stage, getting some of his own soldiers into the song, T.W. hoped he was winning over the Nazis. Yet, no smiles could be seen among them. Some were booing, some were beginning to throw garbage or whatever they had at him, and it reached to a point where Commander Scratch raised his hand and said, "Ok, that's enough."

The music ceased and T.W. stopped his performance. The commander walked up behind him and said, "I don't think this is the best entertainment for the soldiers."

While there were some protests among green soldiers, most of the grey soldiers agreed. With that, General Danny stood up from his throne and said, "I wouldn't say that. The song isn't bad Entertianment, you're even doing it wrong."

The general approached Scratch and T.W. The commander scurried out of his way, as T.W. stood in place, trembling. The general looked down at him and said, "You're not supposed to prance back and forth. You're supposed to march. Like you're actually in the army. You also have to command with your voice. Go full force. Like this."

Danny cued the band, and the music started again. With a strong voice and a proud march around the stage, General Danny continued the song,

"Gee, I wish I was back in the Aaaaarmy.

The Army was the place to find romance.

Soldiers and WACS,

The WACS who dressed in slacks,

Dancing cheek to cheek and pants to pants.

Theeeeere's a lot to be said for the Aaaaarmy.

A gal was never lost for company.

A million handsome guys,

With longing in their eyes,

And all you had to do was pick the age, the weight, the size.

Oh, gee, I wish I was back in the Aaaaarmy."

With not even the music stopping the commander gaped at the general and said, "Sir...I never knew you could-"

But before he could finish, T.W. cut in. "I think I'm getting it now."

"Well, don't abandon your post now, solider," The general said, "I can't fight this battle alone."

T.W. took to his side and the two continued together.

"Gee, I wish I was back in the Aaaaarmy.

The shows we got civilians couldn't see.

How we would yell for Dietrich and Cornell.

Jolson, Hope and Benny all for free.

Theeeeere's a lot to be said for the Aaaaarmy.

The best of doctors watched you carefully.

A dentist and a clerk.

For weeks and weeks they'd work.

They'd make a thousand dollar job and give it to a jerk.

Oh, gee, I wish I was back in the Aaaaarmy."

As Danny and T.W. march/danced across the stage, they were really reeling in the crowd. Both the grey and green soldiers were now dancing to the tune and cheering them on. They were about to start their next verse when-

"HEY!"

The music stopped with aloud trumpet horn. T.W. and Danny stopped their dancing, as the audience ceased their applause. They all looked toward of stage left. General Lionheart in his underwear, scrambled onto the stage, shouting, "This animal is an imposter! I'm the real-"

Suddenly the fake general grabbed him and forced him into dancing as the duo wrapped up the song. The band quickly started the music again, as the crowd continued dancing.

"Three meals a day,

For which you didn't pay.

A million handsome guys,

With longing in their eyes.

I thought that I was through with all my care and strife,

But after months and months of tough civilian life,

Oh, gee

I wish I was back in the Army, nooooooooooow!"

As the music finished up, the crowd erupted into applause, even the green soldiers were allowed to take their hands away from their heads to clap. Danny, T.W. and even the general (though by force) took a bow.

In an instant, Danny drew Lionheart's mouser, pressed it against the General's chin, then took off his gas mask and yelled, "ALRIGHT, NOW YOU LET OUR MEN GO OR YOUR GENERAL IS GOING TO BE HONORABLY DISCHARGED!"

The crowd stopped clapping.

"Well done, my good sirs. Well done indeed."

Danny and T.W. were shaking hands with an excited General Hubbard; human. The sun was up, and the green soldiers were escorting the last of the grey prisoners out of the village. Planes were flying overhead, the allies's planes.

"That was one of the best diversions I've ever heard," The general stated, switching back and forth from Danny's hand to T.W.'s, "A bit unorthodox, but I like it. I couldn't formulate it. Honestly, I couldn't."

He finally let them go, putting his hands behind his back. "You too will surely be decorated for this. You're a credit to your species. Both of you."

"Thank you, sir," Danny said.

"It was our pleasure, sir." T.W. added.

"If there is anything we can do for you. Anything at all. Just let us know."

Danny and T.W. looked at each other and asked in unison, "Can we go home?"

The general's smile dropped. "Oh, are you sure? You could make commanders after this."

"General," Danny said, "With all due respect, we're just not fighters. We're entertainers. We didn't win today because we fought someone. We won because we entertained them. Those are the battles we fight and victories we achieve. Thats where we belong."

"I do say. I believe the theater is more my speed." T.W. smiled.

"Truth to be told," Danny said, "We're pretty lousy soldiers."

"Ah, but you don't need to be a soldier to be a hero," The general said, "Very well, I suppose you won't be able to top what you did today, so might as well go home heroes."

He raised his hand and said, "You're honorably discharged."

"Yes!" Danny cheered.

"Of, thank goodness." T.W. sighed.

The two saluted the general and said, once again in unison, "Thank you, sir.".

The general returned the gesture. "No, thank you."

They laid their hands down and the general left.

As T.W. took a sigh, Danny took out the photo of the female cat and penguin and gave it another kiss. He exchanged a smile with T.W. and the two friends, walk off into the distance, but not without singing another tune.

"Gee, I'm glad to be out of the Aaaaarmy.

The Army was very bad, you see.

Constant misery.

Away from our families.

Suffering in winter, spring and fall.

Oh, gee, I'm glad to be out of the Aaaaarmy."

THE END