The Saotome and Tendō schools believe in omens. One is that if a person dreams something will happen three times, it will happen. But Ranma getting married–And pregnant!? How can an eating contest lead to that?

This story is set in the aftermath of a manga arc and anime episode of Ranma ½ and an anime episode of Urusei Yatsura. I tried to echo them as much as I could.

Watermelon Girl

by Chaos Orchid ← Ron Dow75

Omens

Ranma was dressed like somebody out of a Tarzan movie: Jane. in her leopard-skin one-piece, she called out to her husband as she bore their youngest child strapped to her back, "Lunchtime, Dearest!"

In his matching trunks, Kunō walked over slowly. "We've been stuck on this island so many years…We're Lovebirds in Paradise, right?"

He put an arm over the Pigtailed Girl's shoulder as they admired their four children. "I'm so blissful," she said…

[] [] []

"YAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" S/he screamed!

S/he looked around, Where is he!? S/he was ready to slap Kunō silly!

Then s/he realized, slap? Why would a martial artist just slap?! Why would a guy slap?!

While s/he was examining her open hand, the panda smacked her with the back of its paw.

S/he came up from her roll, to demand, "Why'dya do…." S/he finally realized that it had all been a nightmare.

And it was still night. They were in a real inn, something that didn't happen much with them. They usually slept out. If they made too much noise, they would be asked to leave. Trust pop to be more concerned about that than what had caused her outburst.

It didn't help her feel better knowing that Kunō was the one picking up the tab.

S/he got up, and out to the 2nd story balcony. S/he jumped off.

[] [] []

The pigtailed girl walked the beach under the moonlight, alone. In his underwear, s/he put her hands up to her biceps (pressing her chilled boobs together) and wished s/he had brought a coat. At least a long-sleeved shirt. Hot water would've helped! Girls were more sensitive to cold than guys. S/he'd learned that firsthand.

S/he was turning around to go back inside, when s/he saw Watermelon Island. Even under the dim light, it looked like a watermelon bobbing above the sea. But more to the point, it was a deserted island with nothing but watermelons growing on it. That is why it had become the best place to train from the legendary "Kendō Watermelon Technique". And the price everybody who had mastered it was amnesia.

Like Kunō. The samurai idiot had whacked himself on the head with his own sword from one of the watermelons he had missed from the cascade of watermelons falling down the island hill. Ranma shuddered, and this time not from the breeze coming off the ocean. The jerk had become an even bigger pain when he didn't know her! What restraint he had had was gone. He was willing to go as far as to challenged her, "Date me or die!"

When s/he had tried to escape, s/he ended up on that same island by herself with samurai stalker with nothing but her swimsuit–And no hot water! Her only weapons against the now (s/he had thought) formidable swordsman were watermelons and boulders.

It was just Ranma's luck that a watermelon had come back and conked her unconscious.

And that was when s/he first had that dream, of being trapped on an isolated, tropical island, Eve to his Adam, mother of their kids.

The nightmare hadn't ended there; it had came back tonight. What did they say about dreaming the same thing three times? "I'm not gonna sleep!" s/he swore.

[] [] []

…The man put an arm over her shoulder as they admired their children,

"I'm so blissful," she said….

The nightmare was interrupted by, " Ranma , wake up! What are you doing here?"

Ranma opened her eyes to see Akane, and then Kasumi. The eldest sister called to the rest of the Tendō family, "Akane's found Ranma!" They were all in beach robes and swimsuits, carrying their beach bags. Though there was still a chill in the early morning air, they wanted to make the most of their last day at the resort.

Again, it took an adjustment to get away from that horrible dream. S/he actually fallen asleep standing up, leaning against one of the kissaten (tea & coffee houses) along the beach.

That was right; after jogging around and doing her kata drills, s/he had thought about breaking in and buying enough caffeine to keep a horse awake. …And drinks were yet another thing girls reacted more strongly to.

Kasumi said, "Oh, my. Where did you find what you're wearing, Ranma?"

Ranma looked down at the beach cover-up. "Somebody threw it away. It added an extra layer for warmth, so as long as I'm a girl, I don't care what it looks like." In keeping with the theme of the area, it had a large watermelon on it, below her bust.

Nabiki said, "Perhaps you should, Ranma."

Akane, now, saw what her sisters were talking about, "No wonder the woman who was given that as a gift threw it away: It's a maternity dress! What woman wants to be reminded her belly will grow as big as a watermelon?!"

"Oh, Akane. Many women would find it adorable," Kasumi smiled.

Ranma wasn't one of them. Throwing up her outer fingers and lowering her two middle fingers in warding signs, s/he stammered, "Ma, ma, maternity…!" And she'd had the same dream THREE times!

No! Technically the last wasn't the same one! The man in it hadn't been Kunō! It had been some other guy being the father of her children. A French guy who knew how to suck face ( Gah! ) So it wasn't going to come true, was it!

Nabiki snickered, "That's some reaction you have there."

Ranma reasserted her dignity, "So what if it is what you all say it is. I just need a belt or something to make a waist, and everybody'll know I ain't!" S/he actually wanted a girl's narrow waist? It was better than having the alternative for a girl.

Before the sisters could say anything, their father was speaking, "Ranma, My Boy! Your father is still eating breakfast. But that is the last meal that the Kunō-lad will be paying for. But we've–" (Nabiki interrupted with, "I found,") "–Nabiki has found that there is a way to win a free three days and two nights stay at one of the inns around her."

Tying the sash from Akane's beach robe around the maternity cover-up, Ranma asked sourly, "What stupid martial arts event is it this time? Kickin' sand? Takin' a sand castle? Turnin' seashells into ninja throwing stars? Cannonballs from cannonball diving?"

Mr. Tendō assured her, "No martial arts at all. It is merely an eating contest! I thought Genma and you would enter for us!"

Kasumi smiled, "Oh, my, yes! If there are any people who know how to eat, it's the Saotomes!"

Nabiki said, "And she says it like it's a good thing."

Akane didn't like the idea of being left out, "Hey, what about me?!"

Nabiki said, "You're on a diet, Akane. You're always on a diet."

Kasumi said, "And an eating contest gives her the perfect excuse to leave off dieting! Go for it, Akane!"

Nabiki said, "Under that logic, I might as well enter, too."

After adjusting a few more wrinkles, Ranma pulled the loose part of the cover-up out as s/he looked past her bust, "There! Now the watermelon on this thing looks like a giant pickle."

Nabiki said, "Leave it to you, Ranma, to get into a pickle."

[] [] []

While Mr. Tendō went to the small village down the coast that was sponsoring the contest, Akane and Ranma went to the closest restaurant that was open. The redhead told the waitress, "Hot water, no tea."

Akane asked, "What kept you out of your room all night, Ranma? Kunō?"

The Pigtailed Girl flinched. "No. I just had a…bad dream." Her voice had gotten quieter.

Akane said, "More of those nightmare of yours? You won't tell me about them, but perhaps you should see a counselor you can talk to. There may be a pattern."

Ranma glared at her, "Have my head shrunk?!" S/he paused as the waitress came with the complimentary water. When the waitress had left, the shortie picked up the cup, "The problem is that my head does shrink!" And s/he poured the hot water on her redhead.

"Aakh!" the pigtailed boy cried, loosening the sash-tightened for the most wasp waist.

Akane tensed. But it didn't seem as if the few people around noticed Ranma changing into a guy. Now if he had been wearing a bikini….

Akane still lowered her voice, "Are you sure that nothing happened on that island, yesterday?"

Ranma didn't like remembering it. "I told you, all that happened was I lost to one watermelon. It was a fluke!" He didn't want to tell Akane how s/he had reacted like a scared girl when the jerk threatened her with his wooden sword. S/he had actually teared up and run! Then, instead of pulling out her girl tactics, calling him darling and acting like s/he would like to hug, and kiss, maybe even….

Ranma's stomach knotted. He placed his hand over the 'watermelon' over his belly.

Akane said, "Uh, hunh." Ranma was mentally blocking what could happen to a girl who was passed out and protected only by a guy's honor. And Kunō had certainly been acting less than honorably!

But Akane had looked for the signs on Ranma's legs, and on the swimsuit s/he had taken off before changing back. When they got back, s/he had asked Kasumi to look for anything different about Ranma's laundry. She had even thought of splashing cold water on Ranma before s/he went to the toilet, and then sneaking in with a home pregnancy test.

All of that had made her very uncomfortable. It was acknowledging that her so-called fiance could be more of a girl than she liked to think about. She just hoped Dr. Tōfū's research was correct and that a cursed female would be stuck in whichever form became pregnant. So, since Ranma could return to his normal self, that meant he wasn't in that way, right?!

Scowling, Ranma asked, "Where is the mental case?"

"Kunō should be in a hospital. But I hear he went looking for a Shintō priestess in the area who's famous for her healing powers and exorcisms."

"Hmf! Maybe she can get rid of his stupidity demon."

"That would be stupid. Then you couldn't trick him."

"But he'd be smart enough to know I'm not a girl!" Did he feel a hunger pang?

That got some attention from the customers.

Akane took Ranma's hand, "Come on."

Ranma asked, "But what about breakfast!?(!)"

"We're in an eating contest. You know what they say, 'You have to have a hunger to win'." More people were staring at them. "Uh, Ranma, about the maternity dress you have on as a guy…?"

[] [] []

Kunō walked up the steps of the Shintō shrine. He yelped in surprise to find somebody unexpectedly standing at the top, as if waiting. The ugly, little, old and bald man dressed as a Buddhist monk told him, "You have a most unfortunate face."

Kunō didn't normally strike holy people. But he felt a strong urge to harm this one. "Why did you startle me as you did, monk!?(!) If that is what you truly are," he put his hand on the hilt of his bokken.

"Don't you want to know about your fortune?"

Kunō yelled, "I have people who look after my fortune! Why would I want to hire you(?)!"

A woman interrupted them, "Uncle! What have I told you about showing your ugly face around the shrine! You're bad for business! People get the idea you're a demon painting come to life!"

Kunō marveled. The mature woman of thirty in the attire of a Shintō priestess was as beautiful as her uncle was the opposite. He stepped on the obnoxious, little man as he approached her, "My Dear Woman, I am seriously tempted to disregard the differences in our ages, and date with you!"

She looked at the youth hard in his eyes, "And it's idiot men saying things like that which has driven me away from the populated areas they're the densest! Now, come!" she said, turning for the modest house and shrine complex. "You must be hear about a recent spell of amnesia."

The still smitten samurai lad followed, "Priestess! Your ability to discern ailments is wondrous."

"No. I heard that yet another kendō idiot had taken the legend of Watermelon Island seriously without checking the facts." And Kunō, as usual, was dressed the part.

When they got to the shrine, the priestess had the boy sit on the ground outside her house, while she sat on the porch. She ran her hands up along his neck and on up, and through his hair. "You have a lot of lumps on your head."

"It is the doings of that accursed Saotome Ranma! He walks over others: Even I , his senpei and Noble Lord of Nerima!"

"I see. But he wasn't the one responsible for you losing your memory."

"But he was! It was because of that low man I needed to take drastic steps to advance my already notorious swordsmanship. It is only by defeating him that I can release the enchanted hold he has on the two that I love above all others!"

"I see," the priestess said in a noncommittal tone as she took something out from under her white jacket,

"And most despicable of all, his dastardly deeds is the black magic he uses to separate the Pigtailed Girl from any sort of normal life!" He wept at the thought, "...Or love."

Paying more attention to the stethoscope now in her ears, she said, "Be quiet! I'm trying to listen to your thorax." To his unasked question, the woman told him as she thumped his chest, "I am also a qualified nurse." It took her only a few more moments to determine, "Your eyes are not dilated, your skin is not clammy, your pulse is normal, nor is there any sign of internal abnormalities. And your chi energy is lowing for what I judge is normal for you. As far as I can tell without an MRI, you've sustained no lasting damage. I would recommend you refrain from any further fighting or strenuous activity for at least two weeks."

"Two weeks!? " Kunō cried in agony. "I cannot stand the thought of my Pigtailed Venus being in the clutches of that merciless villain Saotome for one second more than I can help it! She must be rescued!"

The ugly, old Buddhist monk surprised them as he again appeared as if from nowhere, "If the girl is under a spell, perhaps another spell is needed."

A crosshatch appeared on the priestess as she made a fist, "Uncle! We don't need to get involved in this affair!"

But for once, Kunō had picked up on the hint, "Of course! It takes a spell to break a spell! I will reward you munificently if you deliver me the Pigtailed Girl!" He then picked up his wooden sword, "And once I have her , Saotome's distraction from his sense of loss will then lead to his, true and permanent loss!"

The monk said to his niece, "You are right. This is no affaire of ours."

Kunō blinked. "Name your price: Gold! Jewels! Priceless antiques! Stocks listed on the Nikkei Exchange!"

The gnome-like man took a praying posture, saying, "I am a simple monk, and my needs are simple. The path of reincarnation is through want."

Kunō understood. If the holy man was a wanderer, then the only things he had need of were clothing and, "A year's supply of French haut cuisine!"

The man and his niece cried, "Sold!"

[] [] []

Soun hurried back to the resort. After a frantic search, he found the panda sitting out on the beach wearing a sunhat, a wet towel around its shoulders and fanning itself. "Genma! I have great news! The upcoming contest is the opportunity we've been looking for! One that will insure Ranma marries my daughter Akane!"

The panda held up a sigh, [?].

"It seems that up until a few years ago, the village lived in fear of what they called their watermelon god. Though they grew them, nobody dared eat one, or sell any to outsiders until they had appeased the god. They would select one watermelon each year and subject it to a special process that would cause it to grow to monstrous size! This would be the living embodiment of their god. When it ripened, they would put it on the altar of the Great Watermelon, and on the appointed day–This day–the whole village would engage in rituals designed to calm its spirit!"

The panda held up a sign, [So?].

"As I said, that changed a few years ago. The mayor called on a priestess and a monk to rid the village of the danger from the god's possible anger once and for all. When asked what the danger was, there was no answer. The villagers had been living in fear for so many generations, they had forgotten what would happen if the watermelon spirit were not appeased."

The panda didn't hold up a sign. It was losing interest.

"Well, before the exorcists had a chance to rid the village of the spirit, the Great Watermelon got very angry and attacked every man in the village."

[And the village discovered what the watermelon did.]

"Exactly! But not until they sent the exorcists away, unpaid. Then, rather than get rid of its vengeful spirit, the elders of the village decided to hold a festival to attract tourists!"

[So that the tourists could be the sacrifices.]

"Exactly!"

[] [] []

In her robe and swimsuit, Kasumi found her middle sister, "Nabiki! It's time to go to the contest."

Nabiki remained where she was sunbathing, her top untied. "I'm not going. You really didn't think I was serious when I said I might as well enter something as tacky as an eating contest, did you, Sis? They're messy and possibly disgusting. What goes in, may come out."

"Suit yourself."

"Kasumi! I'd recommend you didn't go either, even as a spectator."

"And why not, Nabiki?"

"I can read the signs. Panda signs."

[] [] []

A few kilometers down the coast, around a promontory was a typical village by the seaside, under terraced farms in the foothills that reached down to its long, wide and little used beach. It was almost as if it were out of an earlier time, despite the resort being so close. Looking down on the idyllic setting, Akane had to wonder, "What keeps the tourists and developers away?"

The pigtailed boy's only answer was his stomach growling.

The two fathers pointed up the long, stone flight of stairs in a grassy hill. Mr. Tendō told Ranma and Akane, "All contestants must present themselves before the villages shrine at the top."

Mr. Saotome said, "It is all part of the local ceremony and color."

Ranma had been all around and into the deepest parts of Japan, and knew how seriously the locals took their own peculiar customs. The life-time traveler started up the stairs. He paused to ask, "Aren't you comin', Pop? You're in this thing, too, aren't you?"

Genma held up his hands and waved him off, "No! Heh, heh! There must be an age limit! This is something best entered into by a young couple!"

Soun told his accomplice, "Saotome, I think you're telling more than enough."

Agreeing, both of them fled.

Akane said, I've have a feeling they're not telling us enough."

The martial arts-confident boy told her, "Aw, forget about it. Let's get the stupid part over with, so I can get to eatin'. I'm starvin'! I ain't had nothing since yesterday."

At the very top, out in the open, was a sturdy three-tiered Shintō wooden altar with sake, rice balls, and other offerings. But what really drew the eyes was what was the idol, judging by the zigzag paper gohei draped over the thing on top. It was a watermelon. A huge watermelon. A watermelon the size of a boulder! Ranma and Akane nearly did facefaults. Ranma cried, "I'm not that hungry!"

Akane held her own belly, "It makes me sick just to look at it. Anything that big can't be good to eat."

A grandmotherly looking woman in a kimono came around from the other side, "Oh, goody, more outsiders! Come, the contest tables are on the other side."

There were six low tables arranged in a semi-circle around the Great Watermelon altar, with more that could be set down if more contestants showed up. There was a shy couple that looked like they could be newlywed; a thug-type with bulging muscles and tattoos; two middle-aged couples, one drunk, the other arguing with each other; and a very old man who could barely stand up on his own. And, with his back away from then, standing over a pile of watermelons, somebody they did know.

The pigtailed boy went to him, "Hey, Kunō! How's the head case?(!)"

Startled, Kunō yelped, "Saotome Ranma!" And he dropped what he had had in his hand.

Lucky for him, his arch-enemy didn't notice the hypodermic needle. "So," Ranma said, "you're in this contest, too?"

Kunō answered, "I wanted a match with the Pigtailed Girl! You're not trying to prevent my challenging her!?"

"You mean, 'if she wins, you would date with her'? As good a reason as that is for her not to show up, she has no choice, but to show up. This is a water -melon eating contest. Cold watermelon."

"I do not understand!"

"Nothing new there."

Akane pushed Ranma away, "We have to find a place for you to change. Honestly, I don't know what our fathers were thinking: Insisting you show up as a guy!"

Before Kunō could regale the sturdy and true Tendō Akane with poetic verse without rhyme or reason, he remembered his mission. If he could remain focused on that, he would be able to indulge himself to his heart's content, doting on his two and only true loves. He found the needle. There was just a few drops of solution left in the syringe. He looked for the watermelon with the tiny puncture hole. "I must mark it, so that I know which o them has the magic potion in it…"

But he looked, and continued to search, her finally tore at his hair: "I don't know which one it is! " He dropped to his knees. "If only I had thought to bring faithful Sasuke with me! I could blame him for this grievous error!"

[] [] []

Ranma and Akane, the single females, sat on a blanket at the same table. Each couple was together at their own ones, and the thug and geezer sat at the same table. Kunō had bought the right to have a table to himself. On the end next to Ranma's and Akane's, of course. Akane had made sure Ranma was closer to him than she was, which nearly made the pigtailed girl lose her appetite.

Akane looked at the pile of watermelons, waiting to be eaten. There had to be at least a hundred. "I hope this isn't about how many you can eat."

Confidently, the 'other' girl put her hand back behind her redhead, "If it is, I bet I win, even with a girl's smaller stomach. And if it's about speed, I have the trainin' I got in "Martial Arts Fine Dining! when I was engaged to Picolet." Suddenly, she froze in déjà vu.

As a condition for the training, Ranma had committed herself to becoming "Mrs. Picolet Chardin II". If s/he hadn't won the showdown dinner, she would have been honor-bound to marry the guy! S/he had dreamed of the wedding. Alone, the two of them had eaten the giant wedding cake together. Rams' grin had been large enough to wrap around a watermelon! That French man in the third nightmare was Picolet! And it would have been her duty to provide the Chardins with heirs.

"I'm so blissful…" she had said in all three dreams.

Were, were those dreams her subconscious trying to tell her that, that, maybe, perhaps– please, no –the girl in him had the urge, the desire, the need, to find a man for herself?

S/he thought about the maternity cover-up she had put on. Did she have maternal instincts?...

The oldest of the granny-types towns ladies got up to explain the rules. Akane, looking at the few people off to the side, said, "Ranma, did you notice that all of the spectators and officials are women?"

Ranma was too lost in her own disquiet to respond.

The matriarch in a kimono said, "The rules are these: One person at a time will get up and insult the Great Watermelon." She gestured to the monster one on the altar before them. "If any of you are at a loss of what to call it, we have women with cue cards standing by." Two of the younger elders knelt on either side of the altar, their poster boards on the ground beside them. "You then do the gravest insult of all, and eat as many watermelons as you can in front of it–As viciously as you can!

"Then the next person will be given their chance. That is all."

Akane raised her hand, "Excuse me, Ma'am. But what if there's a tie?"

She paused in her hasty withdrawal long enough to say, "I don't think we will have to worry about any ties."

The thug pushed the geezer aside and claimed first up. Mixing with a torrent of profanity (which the old ladies bore with the grace of good hostesses) was his bragging about what a stud he was, and that he didn't need a fourth-rate god like this one to prove what a man he was! He had come here at the end of summer to smash the biggest watermelon in the wold, just like a favorite Japanese game did! He didn't even need a baseball bat!

Without a score card, it really didn't make much sense; and trying to close her ears to the foul language didn't help Akane understand what its purpose was. But she was becoming suspicious. And uneasy.

Meanwhile, Kunō had 'decided to stretch his legs' while he waited 'his turn'. He strode past a cue card lady, pretending she wasn't there. He glanced around and saw that, for once, he was being ignored. He then ducked around to the other side of the Great Watermelon. He said to himself, "Why take a chance with one small fruit of the vine? If the legend is correct, this one shall surely deliver my love!" He took out his hypodermic needle and stabbed it into the monster fruit.

The watermelon god buckled, its bulk retreating from the needle that had injected it! It rolled to the far edge of the altar, where it trembled and shook!

Kunō and everybody else stared in dumb awe at the now animate object! The hand with the needle was frozen in the air.

The needle not a threat, for the moment, the huge fruit jumped back, knocking Kunō flat on his back. It's great weight broke its altar.

But the Great Watermelon did not fall: It hovered, rolling in mid-air!

Kunō reached for his sword. Finally, the Kendō Watermelon Slicing Technique would be of real use! But the boulder-sized idol started bouncing on him. He never had a chance! He was pounded into the ground.

The pigtailed girl cried, "Aw, Geez! I hate to hafta say this, but I guess I gotta save the jerk." S/he tossed regular-sized watermelons at it. They smashed up against the thick rind of the monster melon. While the attack did no hard to it, it did draw its attention to Ranma.

The small girl was on it, and kicked it away from the now unconscious samurai.

But the watermelon spirit used its power to bring it back home home, aiming to bounce on its new assaulter, now!

Leaping aside, Ranma cried, Tenshin Amagakuren, Revised: Watermelon Roasting Over an Open Fire!" And chopped at it repeatedly with the side of her hand. S/he cut the largest watermelon slice anybody had ever seen!

The watermelon god rolled, twisted and writhed;

then a bright light of its spiritual energy shone through its open wound.

Akane said, "I think Ranma's just made it mad. Intensely mad."

Suddenly, two circles appeared where Ranma had hit it with the smaller watermelons. These combined with the missing slice to make a face, two red eyes and a mouth with black seeds for little teeth. The final phase of its anthropomorphism dame when it sprouted vines that became its arms and legs, with hands and feet!

Ranma said, "This is stupider than even that enchanted panda doodle I had to date."

The Great Watermelon screamed, "No! No, no, no! No! I'll never forgive you! How…How could you cut me(?)! Prepare to meet your doom,

"All of you!"

The thug cried, " Yes! This is what I wanted!" And he cracked a small watermelon in two.

The geezer wept in gratitude, "A chance. One last chance…"

The husband of the drunk couple said, "We won't need the booze, now!"

The wife of the arguers told her husband, "Ikki! This is your chance to be a man: Now be one!"

Sharing a large slice of their own, the newlyweds said as one, "This is what we came here for, to start our marriage with children!"

Akane got it! She horribly , horribly understood! No wonder the only towns people at the contest were women too old to have– " Ranma! Don't let the seeds touch you: That's a Fertility god! "

Now Ranma was worried: " A What!? "

It was a good thing that just like s/he could snatch chestnuts from a fire with getting burned, or piranha from a fish tank without getting wet, s/he could break open the rind of a watermelon without getting slimy seeds on her!

The Great Watermelon god spit seed after seed after seemingly endless amounts of seeds at the human girl that had wounded it!

Ranma leaped. The seeds followed. S/he somersaulted away, making sudden changes of direction to stay just one vault from the fecund seeds.

And s/he couldn't return to any place s/he had been, because it was covered with watermelon seeds and slime! If s/he slipped on the them…

While the other contestants complained about not being spit on, Ranma was saying, "This is no good! I can't stay on defense! It can fly! All it has to do is get high enough and strafe me! I need to attack it!

"But how!? "

A glance at Akane saw that she was putting her fists through a couple of watermelons, as if they were boxing glove to knock away any seeds that came her way!

Of course! Ranma now knew what to do!

S/he backflipped for the slice s/he had cut out of it. Quickly, but carefully, lifting it up, s/he used the wedge as a shield–And shoved it into the 'gaping mouth' of the monster watermelon.

The watermelon god made noises, but it could not be heard because of the gag. Ranma said, "Okay: Now , what do I do?!"

While s/he was thinking, s/he got pelted by seeds, slime and rind. This time from the angry contestants and their watermelons. It was only a matter of seconds before they attacked the girl who was trying to steal their future children from them!

The Great Watermelon started rising up into the air.

"Oh, no, you don't!" Ranma cried, jumping to keep the wedge-gag pressed against its 'mouth'.

As Ranma held on and rode the thing as it rolled around in mid-air, s/he knew s/he had only one chance.

And if one chance was all s/he had, then s/he had to take the risk! At the top, s/he let go of the giant wedge, and ran to stay on top of the monster melon.

Which amazed the contestants enough for them to stop them in their tracks.

The redhead knew that the watermelon spirit inside was going to bring its now open 'mouth' around to spit seeds at her, perhaps even to 'swallow' her, but…

Just when s/he judged its mouth was on the other side, s/he focused all of her strength at one point in the rind: Ker-rack-shaaarrk! That blow cracked the watermelon all the way around from top to bottom. The weakest area was the open slice facing the ground, and that was the direction the seeds and slime burst out of!

Ranma leaped far away from the fertilizer that the other contestants ran to bathe in.

Standing on the ground, the winner watched the white glow of the spirit rise into the sky from the hulk of the great watermelon. S/he laughed, "Without a place to stay in, it can't hang around: Threat over with! *Ha, ha, ha!*" Why was a part of her not so relieved?

S/he had laughed too soon. The white light dropped back down, picked up the two halves of the monster melon, and brought them over the human mocking it. SMOOSH!

Ranma was totally immersed in wet slime and seeds inside the two halves.

Just when s/he thought s/he might drown, they fell away. Harvest time was over, and the fertility spirit had to depart and wait for next year.

Akane cried, "Ranma! Ranma , speak to me!"

S/he spit out a fountain of slime and seeds. Akane wasn't worried enough about Ranma to get that close to being fertilized.

She remembered, "Oh, Hot water!" She tossed the lid of the teakettle she borrowed from the grannies's tea party and threw it on the pigtailed girl. From a distance.

The wind was with her. The hot water splashed Ranma.

Only Ranma didn't change: Ranma remained a girl!

While Akane stood there, strict by the horror, Kunō had come to. He ran to his "Pigtailed Girl!" He pulled her limp, slimy form up against his, and prayed, "Please, let the legends be true! Let there really be a fertility god!"

Finding her strength, Ranma shoved the creep away, "Even if the damned thing did make me fertile, I have to do something more for it to mean anything–And if you think I', gonna let you–"

Kunō said, "But the deed is, I dare hope, already done, My Second True Love! I injected a magic solution into the watermelon that contained my own love!"

" YOU WHATT!? "

"You have no choice but to marry me, now, My Beloved Mother-to-Be! Such is the ancient ways, even Saotome will have to give you up as you become a Kunō!"

Akane screamed as an ugly, little, old Buddhist monk appeared beside her, "Wishful thinking is the road to reincarnation. He is a most unfortunate soul." It was now safe for him to appear.

A glamorous woman dressed as a Shintō priestess told them, "It did not contain any of his spermatozoa."

Kunō protested, "I did not say it did! But it was a magic potion! From the ingredients I provided! You guaranteed your work–It is in the contract!"

The monk said, "He supplied us with the hair, nail clippings, skin flakes, blood, mucus, and… other bodily fluids of the female he desires to be his. (So un-Buddha-like.)"

Kunō nodded curtly, "Yes. I have my manservant Sasuke collect those momentoes of the two I most dearly love in this world! He is most thorough, if lax about labeling which of my true loves they came from."

The priestess said, "Yes, I suspected the samples were contaminated with another's."

The monk said, "And those are the necessary ingredients for most love potions."

The priestess told him, "But you turned it into a fertility potion by bringing it here! Subjecting it to the higher rules and vagaries of a god!"

The monk informed him, "Now, i he had supplied some of his own seed…"

Kunō blushed bright red, "I couldn't ….

Akane went up to the priestess (and away from the little man who made her skin itch), "Then Ranma isn't pregnant?" she hoped.

The beautiful priestess told her, "I cannot guarantee that. The idiot supplied us with so much material from the two females he has his crush on, there had to be quite a large amount of stem cells. Under the proper conditions, stem cells can be used to pass on genetic information. I hear that theoretically, they can even be used to make a man pregnant."

Akane gasped, "Y, you mean, Ran, Ranma's the father of her own *gulp* child!?"

The priestess said, "Of course not! Where would the morality be in that? We are spiritual people. We would never allow that to happen."

Before anybody could sigh in relief, the monk said, "If she is pregnant by anybody, it is by the other girl."

Ranma cried, "You mean AKANE' the father!?"

Akane fainted.

The priestess said, "Stand back! I can help: I'm an expert in modern medicine!" Over her shoulder, she told the pigtailed girl, "You're next!"As the monk was about to start his praying for the parents to be, he said, "I hope you want a child. The fertility gods will haunt you until you do have at least one."

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NOTES:

Using hair, nails, etc. are normal ingredients in casting spells, from voodoo to omnyo. The greater the amount, the more effective.

Stem cells can be found scattered in small amounts throughout the body. Stem cells from a mother can survive well into her children's adulthood.

The idea for this story STARTED from the dream Ranma had about having kids with Kunō. (Chapters 191-193; Anime S06E14, 1992) The third dream is suggested from the anime, but not the manga, when there was a chance she might have to marry Picolet Chardin II. (S05E18)

Then I needed something to fill out the story, and provide an excuse for some action. The Great Watermelon god/kami comes from an episode of "Urusei Yatsura" (better known as "Lum"), ALSO created by Rumiko Takahashi. (Chapter 97; S01E40)

There it was thought just stupid that a "god/kami" would punish people by spitting seeds on them. In my version, they found that it had done more (and nine months later the small town had a population explosion). Of course, in the original story, Lum, Ataru, Shinobu, Mendō, the priestess and monk had also gotten slimed. But since they didn't become more fertile (that we know of), I made this a different world from theirs. That is why I never mentioned the names of the priestess and monk.

In this chapter.