Winter's Refuge

Chapter One Hundred Fifty-Five

JED 'KID' CURRY

Aiden left for a few minutes so when Miss Duhamel asked for someone to remove a heavy charred piece from under what had been the staircase, I volunteered. My left ankle is feelin' better. I stood all day in shackles in Yuma with my right ankle in more pain than it is now, so I didn't think much about it. One of the fathers volunteerin' there and Sam had been tryin' to move the piece but couldn't do more than rock it a little. I asked them to step aside and show me where to put it. It only needed to be moved a few feet. Balancin' most of my weight on my left ankle, I found it easy to lift and move after the things I carried layin' railroad tracks.

"Thank you, Mr. Curry," Miss Duhamel said sincerely, as I started to put it in a waitin' small trash cart.

"Jedediah Curry, what do you think you are doing?" Aiden's voice boomed across the room.

Sam looked at me. "My ma only uses my full name when I'm in trouble. You in trouble?"

I finished droppin' the charred wood into the cart and sat back down in my chair waitin' for my lecture.

Aiden answered the boy, "He certainly is, Sam. Jed, I wasn't gone five minutes and you're standing and not only that, lifting..." He tried to move the piece in the trash cart. "Lifting impossibly heavy things. Do you know the damage that can do to your ankle? All that added weight on it?"

"Yes, s…Dr. Arden." I tried to think of somethin' positive to say but couldn't. But Miss Duhamel did.

"Mr. Curry was kind enough to move it for me, Doctor. I needed it out of there to clean and make room for my bookcase," she explained. "And no one else seemed capable of moving it."

"Jed, I came to bring you outside. But now need your word you will stay seated until you're back in your room." Aiden's voice was firm and the whole room was watchin' us.

"You have my word," I answered and didn't try to explain further.

Out on the sidewalk, Aiden wheeled me to a low ramp leading to the ground. I could just make out Heyes arrivin' in our wagon with Martha and Michael sittin' with him. I missed them so and it would be good for them to help here. They ran to me with calls of "Papa! Papa!" And then I saw Chrissy handin' Joy and Ruth Ann out of the back of the wagon to Heyes. He set them on the ground in near the back of the wagon and turned to help Chrissy out of the wagon. I heard a screamed 'Oh my' as a wheel worked its way off of Miss Beverly's buggy...and then realized the errant buggy was headin' toward my little girls. I yelled, "Heyes!" and tried to stand and run to get them, even though I was too far away to save them. For a moment, Heyes' view of the buggy was blocked by Chrissy standin' in the bed of our wagon and my heart stopped. Then two blurs ran by Joy and Ruth Ann, scoopin' them up, and deposited them on the sidewalk as the buggy ran over the space they had just occupied.

Heyes caught the reins and stopped the buggy before it flipped on its side, and we all breathed a sigh of relief. I sat back down and rolled my chair over to the sidewalk where Joy, tears flowin' down her cheeks, and Ruth Ann, signin' quickly, were flanked by their rescuers, Martha and Michael. In that moment I came to understand that as much as I try to be there to protect all my kids, my family, I can't. But I also learned that they can protect each other.

I held my arms open. Joy and Ruth Ann were lifted onto my lap and Michael and Martha hugged me from the sides. And my tears of thanksgivin' for bein' alive started again. I never had wanted to leave them. I just wanted the emptiness, the sadness, the despair to leave me

Chrissy and Heyes were helpin' a flustered Miss Beverly. Aiden was there, too. A fleetin' thought that I needed to help her passed my thoughts. But I can see she's got all the help she needs. I just hoped that Frank was lyin' down and not lookin' out that upstairs window.

HEYES

I can't believe what almost happened right in front of me and it would have been my fault. The scare of what might have happened was definitely my fault. I wasn't watching out little girls close enough…and Ruth Ann needs to be watched even closer because she never heard what was happening in back of her. I must admit that I thought they would go running to their pa right behind Michael and Martha, but the sight of the Kid in that rolling chair froze them. I said "I'm sorry" to Chrissy so many times when we were helping Miss Beverly out of her broken buggy that Aiden started looking at me funny. But I can't help it. When Miss Beverly went into the doctor's house to find her husband, I stood back from the Kid holding his family, hoping he'll forgive me for the little girls almost getting hurt.

"Heyes, stop saying that!" Aiden ordered. He was standing by my side as Chrissy hugged her family wherever she could.

"It was my fault. I didn't watch them. If they had been hurt…."

"Heyes, look at me. You've apologized enough to Chrissy for a lifetime. It was an accident that was diverted. Look, Joy is holding her arms out for you. Go get your hugs," the doctor told me. "And Ruth Ann's fingers are going faster than I can read…go answer her. That's an order," he finished.

I took Joy from the Kid's lap, and she hugged my neck tightly. She looked back at the Kid's crowded chair and laughed. "Ruthie says she's squashed and no one is paying attention to her. She's calling it pa's running chair."

That was a problem I could solve. "Tell her we're coming to rescue her."

Joy laughed at that as she signed to her little sister to hold up her arms because we were on our way.

The Kid smiled at me and I knew he wasn't mad at me. And my belief that a child's hug could bring happiness was reinforced.

JED 'KID' CURRY

I was worried about Heyes at first. He stood back from us, and Chrissy whispered to me that he kept sayin' he was sorry. I smiled at him when I saw him holdin' and laughin' with the little girls and my worry left.

"Who wants to go to the mercantile and get candy?" I asked.

"Oh, Papa, you know we all do," answered Martha in a matter-of-fact voice. She's older than her age. Both her and Michael are. They were always loved, but growin' up real quiet and isolated with Lily Trevors and Auntie and then comin' to live with us on Phoenix where there's always something goin' on was an adjustment for them.

"Then, let's go!" I said, rollin' my chair myself across the street and leavin' the others to catch up.

Chrissy's eyes still showed a trace of fear from the almost buggy collision. She ran to keep up with my chair. "Candy for Chrissy and Jed, too?"

"All you want, darlin', and peppermints for me."

ASJ*****ASJ

After buyin' the candy from Gabe, I asked about Jeff. "Home resting. He tires easily." I heard concern in his answer but didn't ask anything more. I'd ask Aiden later.

I got Michael and Martha helpin' Miss Duhamel with some paintin'. And Chrissy made her promise to watch the little girls. Which didn't seem to be a problem. With all the people there helpin', the little girls were in demand.

HEYES

After the Kid and Chrissy talked in the church, Aiden told him that he should tell Chrissy what had happened in Frank's basement that night. The Kid talked to me about it. He wants her to think of him as her protector, not a failure. I looked at him hard when he used that word. He knew why and gave me a sideways grin. I pointed out to him that Aiden wasn't going to let him go home unless he had more than me around him that knew what happened. And we decided together it must be Chrissy. The Kid said, "Can't really hide anything from her anyway. If she knows I'm holdin' somethin' from her, she has her ways of gettin' me to share."

That was another of the reasons I brought her into town today. So that's what's happening now. Me and the Kid, Chrissy, Aiden, Frank and Miss Beverly are all sitting in the doctor's waiting room. And I can see the sheriff is in pain from the way he is sitting. Aiden made him drink something that he said would ease some of the pain but not put him to sleep.

I thought it was going to be just Chrissy and the Kid, but Aiden convinced him to include the rest of us. We sat in the waiting room and pulled the chairs in a circle. Chrissy was confused and nervous when the Kid rolled his chair up so that their knees were touching and took each of her hands in one of hers. He looked her straight in the eyes and started with, "I love you more than life." He then told her everything.

We just listened. In a low, soft voice he included earlier times when he thought about it, but a random word from me or her or one of the twins stopped him. I think he was so brave to do this. Not sure I can ever tell Angie that I tried suicide in prison.

Hearing it from the Kid's point of view made me feel joyless, mournful, and depressed myself. How could I have missed the signs that he was experiencing this?

I know that the doctor was watching the Kid and Chrissy closely, but when I looked over at him, he was studying me, too.

The Kid ended with, "Chrissy, will you help me defeat this?"

I didn't think she was going to answer; she continued to look into his eyes, eyes that now held tears. "Chrissy darling help Jed forever."

Standing up, she walked right over to Frank and slapped him across the face. "How dare you do that to your friend Jed!"

"Serves you right," Miss Beverly added.

Then Chrissy kissed Frank's cheek. "Thank you for bringing my Jed back to me."

Chrissy walked to stand in front of the doctor who covered his cheeks in self-defense. Chrissy laughed. "Want to know how Chrissy can help Jed like Jed helps Chrissy darling."

Aiden peeked through his fingers until he was sure he wasn't going to get slapped too. "Be there when he asks for help…you too, Heyes. Jed, you know you can reach out to anyone at this table at any time and we'll listen and help you. Heyes, same goes for you. I saw you blaming yourself that the little girls almost got hurt. I heard you repeating I'm sorry over and over. I was afraid you were going to have a 'moment' inside yourself. Please ask for help before you do that."

The Kid was looking around furtively. I could tell when he found what he was looking for. "Ah…Aiden…" He winked at Chrissy, who giggled.

"Me and Chrissy would like to have some privacy…to, ah, discuss what I just told her. Think we can use one of your exam rooms?"

Chrissy giggled again. Miss Beverly blushed and said she was going to help her husband get back to bed,

"I'm going to go check on the kids." I stood and headed for the door, but not before I saw Aiden blush.

"Use room one," he said. "I'm going to make sure Frank gets upstairs safely and then check on Father Patrick. Make sure the door is closed…er...er…or everyone in my office or the other exam room will hear what you're…saying," he finished.

JED 'KID' CURRY

I needed to hold my wife after admittin' to her what I had done. I need her to know how much I love her and the kids we have made together. I need her forgiveness. I told her Aiden said the sadness and depression had been goin' on since I was little…and I was very good at hidin' it.

She locked the door, and I hobbled a few steps to sit on the exam bed and held out my arms to her. Instead, she punched a finger into my chest. "From now on you tell me if this sadness grows…and I will tell you when it grows in me."

"Oh, Chrissy," I answered, afraid of what she would say next.

She turned away from me. "Remember Jed promise no mad."

I reached out and put my hands on her waist from the back. 'I keep my promises," I told her.

She turned around quickly, and I held her against my chest. She spoke quietly into my shoulder. "In prison, after Michael and Martha taken away, so sad, so very sad. Thought life not worth living…no hope of seeing my babies again." She pushed up her sleeves and pointed to two tiny scars on her wrist…and I started to cry. I picked up her hands and kissed each wrist. "I'm sorry. It was because of me you were there."

She stared over my shoulder for a second, then said, "No, my fault I was there. I refused to tell how to get to Devil's Hole to protect my brothers. If I had told them, Lom said I would be freed."

I kissed the almost invisible lines on her wrists again. She pulled them away and looked at them. "Shiv not very sharp. Maybe I wanted to try… try but not die." She raised her eyes to mine again and wrapped her arms around my neck. "Jed, know the gun wasn't loaded? It must have been light without bullets."

"Maybe, but at that moment I thought everyone would be better off if I were dead." It's hard to say now. Hard to even think about it. I pulled her onto the bed with me. As we laid curled in each other's arms, she kept talkin'.

"After Chrissy has each baby, Chrissy very very sad and afraid. Auntie says normal and helps Chrissy."

I rubbed her tummy where our youngest child was growin'. "This time I'll be the one there to help you." We cuddled closer and made slow, sweet love. It was what we each needed.