AN: First fic, sorry if it's terrible. Feel free to take this idea, just make sure to pm me if you do.
Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns Harry Potter!
As Argus Filch patrolled the halls, he thought about the assignment Dumbledore, the old fool, had given him. He was to report anything interesting. Dumbledore had given him a magical bracelet, which would vibrate if the headmaster needed to send him any messages. It was an invention of Albus's which had permanent Notice-Me-Nots placed on it and could be used to send messages back and forth. After Albus explained how the bracelets worked, he knew what to do when the bracelet vibrated 3 times, which was code for "Emergency." When the vibrations stopped, he waited for the bracelet to do someone else, which Albus said would send a message warning about the contents of the danger.
It vibrated once more before a small trapdoor retreated into the bracelet just in time for a white mist to spray into the surrounding air. He watched as an image of Dumbledore no larger than his palm appeared in the fog. He looked deadly serious, with an image of chaos surrounding him. The image opened its mouth and said "Argus, the wards have informed me of a large beast, possibly a troll, heading towards a girl's bathroom with a student inside. The bathroom is located on the second floor and contains one Hermione Granger. The students have been sent back to their common rooms, so avoid general routes," he suddenly paused, smiling slightly and reporting "There are also two students heading towards the bathroom. Please attempt to subdue the creature, not kill it. I have full confidence in you, Argus."
Before the image could completely fade away, Argus was already opening a secret passageway that would get him to the fourth floor, where he could then open his least favourite, but most useful secret passage that could lead him anywhere below the fourth floor. He hated it. Mainly, because for every floor you went down, Dumbledore had enchanted it to have one more loop-de-loop. It made Argus' stomach twist into knots.
Coming out of the first passage, he started rapidly pacing in front of a portrait of three young goblins taking turns sliding down a hill. Walking in front of the portrait, he thought " I need to get to the second floor," turning around, he continued to think " I need to get near the bathroom the troll is near," turning around one final time, he thought " I need to save a girl from being killed." Suddenly, the portrait opened to show a pink plastic slide. Wasting no time, Argus jumped onto the slide, rapidly speeding up to the point of the wind stinging his face. Then, he saw it. The first loop-de-loop. He braced himself as he felt his world go upside down briefly, before returning to normal, leaving him dazed and confused. Without warning, the second loop-de-loop caused him to empty his stomach nearly, but he managed to hold on to his lunch. Finally, he started to slow down as the slide bottomed out. Coming to a stop, he sat there for just a moment, taking fresh air into his lungs, before remembering why he was there and jumping out of the pink container. Disillusioning himself, he toppled into the corridor from out of a portrait of the bottom of a hill, with goblins occasionally rolling down from the top of the painting, before coming to a stop and racing back up and out of sight.
"-Could lock it in."
Silencing himself, he ducked behind a nearby suit of armour just to be safe.
"Good idea," the red-haired boy said nervously. Argus nearly cursed. As the two boys edged towards the door, Argus thought about how he could fix this disaster. If they locked the troll in like they wanted to, Hermione would be locked in too, meaning he would fail his job. All doors had silencing charms so they couldn't hear Hermione's call for help.
Too late, Harry leapt to the door and locked it with one smooth motion. Argus did curse this time, saved by the silencing charms he had placed on himself.
" Yes!"
Argus had to make a split-second decision as the two foolish boys started running back to the common room. He could stun the two boys, but if he missed, it would be very, very bad. They didn't know Hermione was in there, so they had no reason to come back. Suddenly, Argus froze. Realising the answer, he fired a Finite at the door, just in time for a high-pitched scream to come out of the door. The two boys froze at the corner.
"Oh, no," said the red-haired boy. He needed to learn that kid's name.
"It's the girls' bathroom!" Harry gasped.
" Hermione!" the two foolish boys said together.
Argus did a little victory dance in his head, before reminding himself that he had more work to do before he could go back to his bedroom.
What he did not expect, and what put an incredible damper on his good mood, was the two foolish boys running back through the door and into the bathroom. He would have ripped some more out if Argus hadn't had so little hair. The two idiot boys had given him no choice. Argus ran through the bathroom door.
Argus did not expect the red-headed idiot and the raven-haired moron to try and distract the troll from its chosen target, Hermione. Based on this, Argus mentally upgraded them back to foolish rather than idiotic.
"Oy, pea-brain!" the foolish redhead yelled from across the bathroom, throwing a pipe at the troll. Unsurprisingly, the troll didn't even feel the large and heavy metal pipe hitting its shoulder, even with the banishing charm he had used on the pipe. The yell, however, did distract the troll enough for Harry Potter to run around the troll and try to usher Hermione out of the bathroom. This was a great plan, except for the fact that Hermione was too scared to move.
All the shouting was driving both Argus and the troll mad. The troll, fed up, charged the only one with no means of escape, the redhead. Harry, however, had different plans. Argus didn't know how he jumped that high, considering that Argus was far too shocked to move.
Scrambling for purchase, Harry accidentally, as far as Argus could tell, shoved his wand into the troll's nose.
At this rate, Argus might just quit and learn invisible spells for the rest of his life. He sincerely hoped that these kinds of events would stop happening for another two decades.
The troll roared in both pain and fury, waving its club wildly and destroying the rest of the bathroom. If it wasn't for Argus' magical shields, Hermione would be quite dead.
And then, Argus cursed. Yet again. Because the idiot boy had decided it would be smart to cast a levitation charm on the troll's club. It took all of Argus' strength to lift that club above the troll's head. Even powerful wizards' have their limits, and Argus was more of the secretive type.
Argus barely felt when the idiot redhead released the charm, but when he did, he released the charm too; causing the rules of gravity to bring the club back down to earth as fast as possible. It just so happened that the troll's head was in the way. It was a miracle that Harry or Hermione wasn't hurt by the club falling so far and fast.
When it was all said and done, Argus wanted just to go back to his living quarters.
"Is it — dead?" Hermione asked.
And maybe break out the fire whiskey.
"I don't think so," said Harry, "I think it's just been knocked out."
Argus didn't care anymore. He stumbled out of the bathroom in time to see three teachers rush towards his now least favourite bathroom. "HARRY POTTER AND RON WEASLEY! WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLIN WERE YOU TWO THINKING!?" Ah, so that was the kid's name.