Taking some advice from fsogaddict! I combined their POV's in one. Let me know what you think. I will try and post again by this weekend. But the real job is actually calling now… I hope you guys like it. And I hope you are pleased with the development. Fair warning though, at some point it will get pretty dark.
5.
At this point, I am speechless. Yes I realize he has asked me out and I am still trying to wrap my head around that. I think he's sees me as a charity case. Why else would he be doing this? I mean its sweet and all, but he's Christian Grey. And I'm me, Ana Steel. There is nothing I can offer him. I am barely a person. I'm really taken aback right now. "You don't have to do this Christian. Really, you don't. However, I totally appreciate you trying to get me out of this mood. You don't have to. Look at you. Look at me. You don't have to do this," I tell him.
"You really don't see it do you? I thought that your blissful ignorance was just you being coy. But no, you really down see it. I'm amazed," he says with a laugh.
"Excuse me?" I think I'm offended.
"Since the moment you ran into me. I could not get you out of my head. Clearly, I'm not the only one. Your ex wants you back in record time. Because he sees what he's lost. I don't know if you've noticed, but there has not been one person who has not done a double take at you. Not me, you. You are fucking stunning Ana. Like beyond gorgeous. More than that, from what I have seen in this short amount of time, you have more depth than west coast entire population in your pinky. I want to be near you, because I want to know you. Not because I need to, not because I have to, because I want to. Even sitting next to you, I'm already figuring out how I will see you again. You beguile me Ana Steele. And even if I wanted to walk away from you, I think I am quite positive I couldn't. You have no idea how incredibly unique and beautiful you are, and that's a tragedy in and of itself," Christian explains.
...I really don't even know how to respond to that. He's beautiful. Women throw themselves at him. And here he is, sitting next to me, saying the most beautiful things to me. And as much as I would like to believe it, my head and my heart just won't. He does not know me. He will never understand.
"Christian, please. You don't know me and what you are describing seems nice, but it's not reality. I've been down this road before. Men come into my life become infatuated with me. But that is a fleeting feeling and they burn out as quickly as they come. So yes, you may feel this way now. But you won't always. And my soul is hanging on by a thread already splitting. What you're saying sounds so good. But you can have anyone..."
"...STOP. Stop with this self-deprecating shit. You are worth so much more than you think Ana. I have learned this in a matter of hours. Those who you have dated are not worthy of you. Period. They don't see you. But I do. I know you're hurting right now. I know you think no one will ever be what you deserve. I'm putting myself on a limb here. I know I should not even entertain this considering your current relationship situation. But we both know I get what I want. So please, let me show you. Let me show you what you deserve," he pleads.
I don't know when I started crying, or for how long. I only notice as he brushes his thumb across my left cheek to wipe it away. His eyes, they are so sad. They are sad for me. In that moment I realize, as hard as it is, I believe him. I believe his intentions are true. He really has nothing to gain from this, does he? But he has no idea what I am. I am broken. Truth be told, I've been broken for years. I put band aids over my open wounds in hopes to find some normalcy, some band aids longer than others. But at my core, I am broken beyond repair.
"Look at me. I'm a mess. I'll never be good enough. I'll never be smart enough. I'll never be pretty enough. You don't deserve someone like me. You deserve far better. You deserve someone confident, who holds themselves in high regards. Not me. I'm not good for you. And this will end, like everything does and I will be broken more than i already am. Neither of us needs that," I tell him.
I need him to understand that there is so much more. More that we can never know. That I can never verbalize. But he does not need to be a part of me. Look at what just happened with Jose. I loved him and gave him everything I had and it was still not enough. He has to understand there is no positive outcome with us. Although saying those words out loud is not easy, I needed to. I haven't said or had those thoughts in quite some time. I finally thought I was healing. I finally saw a future, one with Jose. I finally thought I was over the pain of my past. Jose was my future. I found a great deal of peace in that. When I met him I really felt he was different, that we were different. My future was so much more because of him. But he just happened to be a band aid that lasted far longer than the others.
So here I am again… Self-loathing and feeling beyond worthless. My pain and loneliness goes so much deeper than anyone knows. I mask it well. I always have. If I don't, people will question me. They will ask me. And I will never be prepared to open those wounds again. I can't, not for anyone. I'm hard enough to love as it is. Throw in everything else and I'm not worth it. I know that. My eyes are starting to hurt. I can feel him staring at me, urging me silently to go on. He wants me to say more. But I can't. It's too much for me right now. And this is the reason he should want nothing to do w me. I hope he realizes I'm saving him. I'm not worth it. I'm not worth loving. With my head now buried in my hands I continue...
"You don't know me. It's better that way Christian. I am so much work, and without going into it. I am so damaged. All I know is pain. You have a good life. You can have anyone in the entire world. Don't waste your time with me. I'm not worth it," I tell him.
And with a deep sigh he asks, "Can I talk now? Do I get the opportunity to rebut? I don't know who in your life hurt you to the point that you not only can say these things about yourself, but you believe them. It's beyond me. I am no doctor, but I have seen enough shrinks in my day to deduce this stems far beyond your breakup of a relationship you have been in for one years' time. You're right Anastasia, I don't know you. But let's be clear, you don't know me either. You are not like everyone else. I saw it from the moment you ran into me. But Ana, I don't want everyone else. I want to know you. You're damaged, that's clear. But here's the thing, so am I. And maybe my broken saw yours and that is why we are here now. Ana, I don't want to fix you. I want to change you. I want to change your perception of yourself, change your perception of relationships, and change your perception of life and those who want to be in yours. Not everything has to hurt. Not everything has to be tortuous. Sometimes good things and people happen when you least expect it. So you can try and revert to your shell and push me away. You can tell me how much you're not worth it. But I plan on spending as long as you allow me showing you how worth it you are."
At some point, he moved to the floor to kneel in directly in front of me. Very carefully and with much trepidation he cups my head from my hands. My face is now tear-stained and still moist as they have never stopped falling. He lifts my head and stares into what feels like my soul. Desperately searching my eyes for something in me, I'm not quite sure what. And without notice, he kisses me.
This isn't any kiss. My lips feel as though they melt into his. As if they were made for his. My head feels wrong because I am hours out of a relationship. But this feels right. He feels right. For the first time in my life I feel something I have not felt since I was a small child; peace. This makes sense. He makes sense. He pulls away; far too quickly in my opinion. He continues to wipe the tears that have continued to fall. Again, searching my eyes for what I think is approval this time. I have to say something.
"There is so much more, Christian. I don't know when, or if I can ever tell you. This is who I am. I am not self-loathing. This is who I am," I tell him.
He begins to return to his seat. Never taking his hand from mine, he turns to me and says, "I know Ana. And when you are ready, we will talk. But now you should sleep. This has been an extremely long day, for both of us. I'll wake you when we land," he says. With that, I close my eyes on what has now become the longest day ever and drift off.
Christian's POV
As I sit here and watch her sleep, my mind begins to wander. As I look down at her, I begin to wonder how I am even capable of what I am asking of her. I myself am I mess. I have yet to ever entertain any type of conventional relationship. Any thought I had of bringing her into the lifestyle has been obliterated by this last conversation. Although she has not said it, I can tell by the way her body reacts to touch, someone hurt her. Not emotionally, but physically. I know that flinch, I do it myself. My personal relationships are never work, they are contractual. So this will be a first. I don't know what I am doing here, but I have quickly realized that this has to be different. I have to be different.
As I attempt to adjust to get in a more comfortable position, Ana moves as well. When she moves, her over-sized sweater moves a bit and something catches my eye. I ever so carefully pull it back a bit more to reveal these very subtle scars, all healed...what looks like may have been years. But they are there as faint as they are. There are dozens of them. Her beautiful alabaster skin has damaged by razors she used to numb her pain. My heart breaks a little more. At first, I thought she was being a bit dramatic considering how recent her break up is. The horrible things she said about herself, she couldn't possibly believe. But I am quickly realizing, she more than believes it. She wasn't trying to save herself from me. She was trying to save me from her. Because she really does not think she is good enough for me or anyone else. She has no idea how wrong she is.
I also realize, hearts and flowers will never be enough for Ana. Though she does deserve them, there is so much more that she needs. Truth be told, I should be running as fast and far as I can in the other direction. Common sense says this will only end badly. She is emotionally destroyed and clearly has never sought help for it. But even 5 hours in, I couldn't walk away from her if I wanted. It has nothing to do with saving her. Nothing to do with fixing her, I am not a knight in shining armor by any means. Probably the complete opposite if we are being honest. But I want her. In fact, I think I might need her in my life. I am not sure in what capacity it will work. But she has to be in it. And though she deserves so much more than heart and flowers...we're going to just start there.
With my wheels now spinning at full capacity I shoot off my first text.
Andrea, I need you help with a couple things ASAP. First, confirm where Anastasia Steele is staying. I need you to re-book me a there. I don't care what type of room. I will be staying there the duration of my trip. I also need you to find a florist. One that is open now. I know it's late, but there's got to be someone who can come through. Find her room she will be booked in and I want every surface filled with roses. An obscene amount. Please confirm when this is done."
Mr. Grey, I will revert when this is completed.
Thank you Andrea. I also need a new phone delivered to her room as well. I will contact you at a later time with the phone number to set it up.
Yes sir. I will get this completed to. Anything else you need tonight?
No that will be all.
Great, I have sent you the room confirmation for yourself and Taylor and have located a florist.
The next one is to Caroline Acton, my stylist who is already out there for my charity event.
Caroline, I will be bringing a date to the fundraiser Sunday. However, she will not have anything to wear as it is short notice. I'm going to guess she is a 6, maybe a bit smaller. I will confirm tomorrow. Please bring only long sleeve gowns and as many options as you can get your hands on. Thank you.
Yes, Mr. Grey. Any color preference? I can bring the dresses to your room tomorrow. Let me know when you would like me there.
I'll get back to you on that. Thank you. Talk soon.
I'm going on a major limb here. I'm half expecting her to wake up and shut everything down. But contrary to her belief, she is worth the risk and so much more. As the wheels hit the runway, I see her body tense and I know she is waking. She looks at me. Eyes glazed over, slightly confused. But her lips begin to curl in a smile, and her eyes look the brightest I have seen since I met her. She has realized where she is and if I'm not mistaken, she looks happy about it.
Still trying to get fully focused on her surroundings she rests her head on my shoulder as she hooks her left arm into my right. With her head still placed on my shoulder she looks up to me. "Thank you. I don't know why you're here. Or what you want, but at least for today. Thank you," she tells me. Without another word, she gazes out the window and I desperately wonder what she is thinking in this moment. As she nudges into my arm a little deeper, holding it a little tighter. I realize, this woman can be the death of me at this very moment and I would die a happy man a thousand times over.