7.
As I begin to wake up from what feels like an eternity. I start to realize where I am. Christian kissed me. I did not dream that. I know I didn't because I do not dream. I only have nightmares. An after effect of the PTSD they say. So it really happened. I do realize how wrong this is. There are infinite levels of how wrong this is. It hasn't even been a full 24 hours that I have been single. In some way or form Christian is essentially my boss. Along with the legalities regarding my contracts between my employer that I have obliterated, my moral compass is pointing all the way south. Truth be told, I am not bound or accountable to any man at this moment. Regardless my conscience is knocking on my soul.
As I really begin to wrap my head around what has transpired over the last few hours and what's next. I look up at him. I have felt him staring at me from the moment I gained consciousness. As I stare into his dark gray eyes for what feels like an eternity I can't help but want to be closer to him than I am at this moment. Although this is a completely foreign feeling to me, it is also very welcomed. With that, I close what little distance between us by locking my arm into his and resting my head on his shoulder. As he places his head on top of mine I can feel him smile against me. I look out the window as we are getting close to the landing strip and I wonder how everything is so different in a matter of hours. How I would have never imagined I would be right here, right now. How there is nowhere else in this moment I would rather be than with my arm in his. I feel peace.
As the wheels hit the asphalt I am quickly jolted out of this fog I was in. I am playing with fire. Of this I know. Not only is fraternization at my level grounds for instant termination with anyone within my company. But to be engaging with our biggest client by a landslide would be career suicide. Not only within my company but the industry. What are you doing Steele? This is not worth it.
I have lived by rules all my life; always say please and thank you, respect your elders, never kiss your bosses bosses bosses boss. I am fully aware of my colleague's perception of me. Young, wildly green, pretty (as they say) girl. For these reasons, I have made it a point to not form personal relationships with anyone inside the workplace. I humor them with the occasional RSVP for a party or drink after work. But I always conveniently make an excuse to bow out last minute. I have been dubbed, "the ice queen". Not my proudest title but my career is my life. It is mine. It is all I have. I worked my ass off for it. A superficial "work friend" will never be worth it to me.
Yes I went to college; yes I know what I am doing. I am really, really good at my job. That is the one thing no one can take from me. I do my job, and I do it well. I am unapologetic of my merits. Did my face get me in the door? Yes. Have a proved my worth? Undoubtedly so. Regardless of any of that. One picture of Christian and I and my entire career is over. Because if I have learned anything in this world. Perception is everything. Fuck the truth. That doesn't matter. To make matters worse I am in a predominantly male driven industry. So where most have to do the bare minimum to get respect, I put in 14 hour days. 6 days a week, sometimes 7. I essentially created to entire contract for Grey Enterprises. Would you know that? Nope. So whatever this is that I am doing can ruin everything I have worked so damn hard for. The most pathetic part is. In this moment there is no part of me that cares about any of that.
Truth be told this is not my dream career. I chose the safe career. You know, when those colleges and recruiters come and they give you those "what should I be when I grow up" personality tests. That is what I went with. I do safe. Safe keeps me grounded. Safe keeps me well, safe. Yes I enjoy what I do, but my heart has always been resting between the pages of books. Working in publishing was my dream career. However, I knew that industry was not only insanely hard to break into, but with all the digital publishing companies now, they are dying by the second. It's devastating actually. Because books, fiction, fairy tales was my solace. Those stories I would read over and over were my escape from my head. They were all I had. So in a perfect world that is where I would be. But my world is far from perfect.
As the lights for the seat belt go off and we are preparing to exit Christian stands and puts out his hand for mine.
"A penny for your thoughts Miss Steele?" Christian asks.
The truth is my thoughts are all over the place.
"My head is not a place one should want to frequent Mr. Grey," I reply.
He abruptly stops us in our tracks and pulls me off to the side of the plane. I don't think I realized till right now how statuesque he is. He really is beautiful. It still begs to be seen what he could possible see in me. "Oh Ana you have no idea what I want. I want to frequent that perfect mind of yours." He says as he places a light kiss on my forehead. "I want to engulf and mend this," he tells me, as he places his hand over my heart.
"I want to know everything about you Ana; the good, the bad, the ugly. I want to know all of it. Learning every piece of you is about to be my new favorite pastime. I always wondered when we would sit in those meetings why this breathtakingly gorgeous girl with the most beautiful body would always cover everything up. I equated it to you wanting you male counterparts to pay attention to your skill, not your body. But tonight I realized it was for a whole other reason entirely. You are beautiful Anastasia. Even with your scars and all, you are. Whatever you have been through didn't win. You are here now. You are strong, amazing, and worth so much more than you believe. So even those dark places you think no one should want to frequent. It is now my life's mission to make those dark corners my home. You can push all you want. I am fully expecting that from you. But I don't give a shit. Because I will push back. And from where I standing, I think I'm a bit stronger," he says.
I can't even form words to respond to that. I don't even know where to start. How did he notice them? Did he touch them? Did he see the extent? I suddenly feel scared, petrified in fact. I want to cry but the tears won't come out because I can't breathe. I can't fucking breathe. Everything feels as though it's closing in. I need air and now. "I'm sorry," I say as I pull myself from his arms.
I don't bother with my luggage. My only concern is getting as far away from Christian as I can. I cannot begin to explain the scars to him. I can't begin to explain my life to this man. When I finally reach the doors and push them open as if my life depends on it I can feel the air filling my lungs. I find the nearest wall and lean into it to help with my balance. As a recount the words that he just said it becomes inherently clear; I have to end this. Never mind my job, the stigma, Jose…My concern is him and his heart. He is good. He is so good. He doesn't deserve someone like me. He deserves so much better. I am toxic. I ruin everything I love. I won't ruin him.
As with every time he has been in my vicinity, I can feel him before I see him. I can feel him directly behind me. His breathing is slowed. I know he is apprehensive and unsure of what to do next. I know this, because I experience this in every relationship. It's a pattern with me. I run, they follow, I warn, they pursue only to realize this is not a game. This is who I am. I am not the affectionate, doting girlfriend. I am the despondent, insecure girlfriend who will never be enough. I want to badly for normalcy, for a genuine commitment where I can trust someone completely. Where I completely trust their intentions are good. But I am broken, as much as I hate that term, it's who I am. I mask it well. But those who know me know that is not the case.
"What the hell was that?" He asks.
"This is not a good idea Christian. You and I both know that. Aside from the professional aspect…You saw the scars. Let that be your warning. I am not good. I am not good for you. You are you. You are Christian Grey. You deserve a bombshell trophy on your arm. You deserve so much more. Aside from that, you are my bosses bosses boss. This is inappropriate on every level for the both of us. In addition, it will cost me my entire career. This is all I have. I can't lose this," I plead.
As he walks around, he is now standing directly in front of me. I find it increasingly hard to focus with the lack of space between us. I am doing this for him. He has to know that. This will not end well, both professionally and personally. "First, fuck whatever moral laws you think govern our personal life in your professional. I'll buy your company and bankrupt it before I allow anyone to do anything to destroy your reputation. You are invaluable to both my company and yours," he says. "Second, yes it is true…You are not the "bombshell trophy" as you call in Ana. You are the total fucking package. You don't realize that yet. But you will. It's late though, and we're both tired. Let's discuss this more tomorrow. Come, I'll take you to your hotel."
At some point during our drive, I realize that he is holding my hand. I don't know when his hand found its way in mine. But I begin to realize, I like it there. There is something about this man that has me completely enamored. I have always been different. But I don't feel different with him. I feel like he sees me. He sees who I am, and he wants me anyway. I have spent my whole life hiding. But maybe, just maybe…I don't have to hide anymore. Or maybe this is the lack of sleep. Either way, this feeling is not only foreign, but extremely petrifying.
"Christian, thank you again…For everything. I could not have made it through this day without you," I say to him as I get out of the SUV. I feel him getting out behind me.
"You are most welcome Ana. I have never been so happy for someone to invade my personal space."
As we make our way to the entrance of the hotel, he stops us both in our tracks.
"I know it is hard for you to believe my intentions for you, for us are good Ana. But please, give me the chance to prove to you that they are. I have never met anyone like you Anastasia. And I want to know more. I want to know everything. I want to make you mine," he begs.
And just then, he grabs the back of my neck and pulls me in to kiss me. He kisses me deeply, passionately. He is kissing me as if this will be the last kiss we will ever share. As I get lost in this kiss, in this man's arms, I know that this kiss…This kiss and this man can potentially change everything for me. He may change me.
Walking to my room, my head is flooded with so many thoughts. Thoughts of Jose, thoughts of the repercussions of a relationship with Christian, just thoughts of Christian in general. As I open the door to my room I am immediately overwhelmed by the scent of roses. As I make my way in I realize they are everywhere. Every nightstand, crescendo, table, counter space is covered. I don't know when or how he did this, but I know this is Christians doing. They're beautiful. I notice on one of the tables there is a card that says "answer me". Just then, a cell phone rings. I don't recognize the number but I know who it is.
"I don't know how you did this or when. It's borderline creepy and stalkerish. But they are beautiful. Thank you Christian," I say.
"Oh Ana, you have no idea the stalking I am capable of. Creepy is an understatement. But you are most welcome. For the sake of being corny, they pale in comparison to your beauty," he sighs.
Christian's POV
I exercise control is all aspects of my life. Until today that is. Before today, I was the master of my own universe. I controlled every aspect and every person who entered my life. Aside from my family, each and every one was under a contractual obligation to satisfy my needs; whether it is professional or personal. Regarding my personal life, I require a specific set of prerequisites for the women whom I spend my time with. The type of relationship I demand is so particular that I require an non disclosure agreement before we even discuss a future. If the world were to know I am a dominant, they would never understand. I would be ridiculed, chastised. I would lose it all. Never mind all that, what would my family think? What would they say? This may be the piece of me that sends them over the edge.
That said, to say what I am doing with Ana goes against everything I am and everything I know is an understatement. But here I am, pining after a woman hours out of a relationship. I am sending a woman flowers who on some level, I employ. The more I begin to reflect on today, the more anxious I get. Since this afternoon, there has been no uniform, no organization, and no contracts. It has been me, just winging it with a girl who doesn't even remotely fit into the lifestyle I am accustomed to. Sure Ana is my physical requirements, to a T. But a submissive, she is not.
She is right though. Intertwining her personal and professional life would essentially ruin her career. It's different for women. As progressive as the professional world has come over the years, we are still not entirely there yet. So I understand her trepidation. It pisses me off. I want her. I don't want her career to stand in the way of knowing her. And if I know her like I think I do, (courtesy of the background checks that were completed prior to the transition to her company) then I don't stand a chance. However, I do not do well with no and I am known to get what I want. Anastasia Steele will be no different in that respect. I was not kidding. If anyone gives her one ounce of shit, I will buy that company and bankrupt it and not give it a second thought.
It's late, I shouldn't call again. She has had an emotionally exhausting day. For more reasons than one. But I need to talk to her. I need to hear her voice. Just one more time.
"Christian?"
"Hi. Were you sleeping?"
"No I wasn't, not really. Is everything alright?"
"Everything is fine. I just…I just wanted to hear your voice. I know it doesn't seem like it. But this is all new to me as well. And I am not entirely sure how to navigate it. But I want to. I want to with you."
I can hear her smile through the phone. Finally...
"I think I do too Christian. I just...I just need you to please be patient with me. This is so much, so fast and I need to make sense of it all."
"Have breakfast with me in the morning please? I will have breakfast ready in my room around 9."
"That sounds perfect. I would like that. Sleep well Christian."