Sorry guys for the delay. All other chapters have been written for months and I need time to gather my thoughts and see where I wanted to take this. I hope you love it. Well, at least not hate it…
It's nearly 4 am when I am awoken from one of my reoccurring nightmares. Considering the time, it would be an idle attempt to fall back asleep. As I sleepily make my way out of bed to grab some water. I decide heading down to the gym would be the best idea at this point. This will give me a few hours before breakfast with Christian to gather my thoughts.
"Well good morning Miss Steele. What brings you here so early?"
There he is, in all of his sweaty glory. Is there ever a point where he doesn't look beautiful?
"Mr. Grey, good morning. I couldn't sleep. I am not much of a sleeper. I figured I would use my time to be productive rather than lay in bed staring off into the abyss. What are you doing down here so early."
"I as well have issues with sleeping. Seems you and I have something in common. Anyway, would you like to join me?"
"I would love that actually. But do you mind if we go for a jog. I could use the fresh air."
As we make our way through the hotel, I find myself mesmerized by this man. Not because of his looks. But I am starting to see he is so much more than the stone faced mogul I have known him to be in recent months. Just as I am in the midst of my day dream, I am quickly jolted out as Christian stops us both in our tracks. "Ana, it's still really dark out. I am not entirely comfortable with jogging in an area neither of us knows. But I have alerted Taylor of our jog, and he will be following. But not too close behind. It is imperative you stay with me. So if my pace is too much, you need to tell me. We will slow down. I just need to make sure you are safe. Ok?" he pleads. His tone changed when he asked this of me. I can tell he's worried. But of what, I have no idea. I am also slightly comforted by the fact that he wants to keep me safe. "Change your pace for me? Oh Mr. Grey, I think you may have the problem keeping up with me!" I say playfully as I run out in front of him out of the doors of the hotel.
As we jog side by side, each matching each other pace, I realize how nice this is. I don't feel the need to look over my shoulder as I always do. I know as long as he is by my side, I am safe. I am protected. And although this may only be a short few minutes that I feel this peace. I will take comfort in knowing it exists. As we reach the two mile mark, I can tell we are both getting a bit winded. Truth be told, I am starting to feel it. But my pride and competitive spirit would have never let that show. Christian grabs my arm alerting me it is time to slow it down. Even though I know it's just he and I, I had my normal reaction to someone touching me unexpectedly; which is to jump and pull away. I instantly feel embarrassed and regretful.
"Woah, Ana it's just me. Are you ok?" He asks nervously.
"Yes, I am so sorry. I just...It's a thing. It's not you, it's very much me. I am so sorry."
"Care to elaborate? You would have thought I was attacking you."
"Honestly, no. Not today. I have a long day ahead and this has been such a nice start to the morning. I would rather not ruin it with my shit."
"Nothing about you or your past would ruin anything. Not for me Ana. You'll understand soon enough."
He says that now. But if he knew… If he only knew.
"Can we just drop it for now please? We should probably start heading back. I would like to shower before we have breakfast, if that is alright?"
I fully expected this to turn into a fight. I didn't expect him to drop it so easily. I've had this conversation more times than I can admit. It never ends well. Even Jose pushed me to a point where I felt forced so show my soul far before I was ready. I always held resentment for that. Admittedly, I would never willingly speak about my past. But being pressured into it leads to a lot of ill feelings for the one pushing. I look to Christian, and now it is my turn to stop him in his tracks. "Thank you Christian for not pushing this. I know how frustrating it can be. I really do. But I just have to do things on my own time. The last day or so has been nothing short of insane and I am feeling so overwhelmed. So thank you for not making this one more thing I need to worry about," I tell him thoughtfully. "You never have to thank me for something like this Ana. I understand guarded. I understand walls. We'll get there, when you're ready. Just don't shut me out, please. Take your time. But just don't do that," He pleads.
I look up and smile at him; silently promising him that I am still present. "I am going to kiss you now. It is okay for me to kiss you still, right?" He asks jokingly. I respond with a playful smirk and shrug of my shoulders. Without another minute he takes me in his arms and kisses me. As I allow myself to relax against his body I position my hands to be on his chest. Without stopping our kiss he attempts to inconspicuously move my hands to his shoulders. Oh, he has boundaries too. My subconscious tells me. But I don't give it much thought. He can move my hands where ever he needs to. So long as I get to remain in his arms and in this kiss.
As we walk back to the hotel hand in hand. I start to feel a bit restless. I realize that in a few moments I will have to leave Christian to get ready, and I am realizing I really don't want to.
"Ana, what is it?"
"Nothing, it's silly."
"It's just that…When we get back to the hotel, we will go our separate ways. I understand it's for a short time. But I am realizing I am not too fond of leaving you."
"I haven't wanted to leave you since the moment you knocked me over Ana. So I understand completely. "
"Is this even normal Christian? Do you just meet someone, and all of a sudden you want all your time with them?"
"I am not the right person to answer that. I wouldn't know."
"What exactly does that mean?"
"What that means is there are some things that I would like to discuss with you and explain to you tonight at dinner."
"Or breakfast. You are not going to make me wait all day after a statement like that. Not going to happen."
"Fair enough Miss Steele. Breakfast it is. Now go and get ready and hurry back to me. I am in room 403. Just come up whenever you are ready."
He gives me a swift kiss on my forehead before leaving me at the door to my room. As I start the shower and make my way to get in. I am quickly shaken out of my Christian Coma with the ringing of my phone. "Jose?" I question. Realizing it is around 4:00 am in Seattle. I hear him sigh.
"Ana, let me talk. Let me say my piece before you interject. I know you always have an answer for everything, so please. Let me get this out. I love you. I love you completely. But I was selfish. I wanted more. I wanted more from you that you were not capable of, that you were not ready for. But I thought if I pushed you…If I challenged you, that you would push back. I thought you would fight and finally let down your impenetrable walls. I never thought I would actually lose you. I never imagined we would be here. So I fucked up. I cannot lose you Ana. You are my everything, and I know you love me. So tell me, what can I do to fix this? Please, this cannot be the end."
We sit in silence for what feels like an eternity. I am trying to gather the words to say to him. Truth be told, I do love him. He really is my first love. "Jose, I love you. You are so incredibly special and important to me. You gave me hope for a life that I never thought would exist in my world. But maybe that's what our relationship was meant to be. To show us that "more" is possible. You deserve so much. You deserve someone who will always be present in your relationship. You deserve someone who is unapologetic-ally obsessed with you. You deserve vulnerability always. But Jose, that can't be me. I am not that girl. I am not capable of that. And I would be doing us both a disservice to say I can. You pulled away, because you knew you had to," I tell him, fighting back the tears that will flood my eyes at any moment.
"You are wrong Ana. You are wrong about us. I will make it my life's mission to show you how wrong you are. Good bye Ana," he says and hangs up without giving me a chance to rebut.
As I push the number 4 button on the elevator, I begin to feel this nervous pit in my stomach. Butterflies Ana, those are butterflies. My subconscious tells me. Yes, Christian is giving me butterflies. As I arrive at his door I realize he is standing in the doorframe flashing his megawatt Christian Grey perfect smile, complete with his freshly washed tousled copper locks. Damn, he smells good. "Miss Steele, that took far longer than I was hoping," he teases. "Why Mr. Grey, if I didn't know any better, I would say someone missed me," I say with a smile. "That's very perceptive of you Miss Steele. You're not wrong," he says.
As he guides me into his room, I quickly realize there is no breakfast a laid out. The only items on the table are 2 envelopes labeled 1 and 2. A bit confused, I look up at Christian willing him to explain.
"Let me preface this conversation with telling you that you can leave at any time. I don't want you to. God, I don't want you to. But I fully understand and will accept what you choose to do after you read what is in those envelopes. So please, take a seat and open this one," he says with hesitation.
Christian pulls his chair around so that he is sitting next to me, shoulder to shoulder. As I pull out the first packet I can I quickly realize the first set of papers is an NDA; which is confusing even more because I already signed one during the on boarding of his company. I can feel him tense up next to me. "Christian, I have already signed one of these. Help me understand why this is here," I say. "I am not asking you to sign this. I am showing you these and then hopefully you will allow me to explain. Now please turn to the first page."
The enclosed non-disclosure agreement shall be between (name of person receiving the information, Submissive and Christian Trevelyan Grey, Dominant. This agreement is in consideration of entering into a BDSM with Christian Trevelyan Grey, Dominant.
What. The. Fuck.
I look up at him in horror. He slumps over, defeated. I have never seen him look so pitiful. I didn't even know he was capable. "What is this Christian? You're a fucking dominant?! And what is in the other envelope? Is it a contract with you limits and all that bullshit? Oh my god, are you courting me to be a submissive?" I ask. I can see the color drain from his body. I don't even know what to say. This connection we felt was not real. It was all leading to this. I cannot believe I am so stupid. Girls like me don't get men like him, I wasn't wrong. He is sitting there in silence. I can tell he wants to speak, but he won't. I don't know what reaction he was expecting. But I don't think this was it.
"Please, say something. The silent treatment is not ideal in this moment," I beg him.
"I did not bring you here to sign a contract. I do not see you as a submissive Ana. Nor is that what I want for us. But when I told you that I was not the right person to ask, this was the reason. Because those contracts are all I know. I have never been part of a "normal" relationship. Nor have I ever had any desire to entertain one. Not until you that is. You petrify me, because I am so far out of my league and comfort zone with you it is debilitating. We all have secrets Ana. And you are now privy to one of my biggest. Within those pages, you have the capability to destroy me. I hope you understand what that means to me. What you mean to me."
"I don't even know what to say. I have to go. I'm sorry Christian. I need some time."
"Ana, please. Don't leave. Tell me what you are thinking. Do not leave me."
"I have no idea what I am thinking. But I cannot do it while you are looking at me with those eyes."
When I make it to the door, I realize he deserves more than me running. But that is what I do. I run. Truth be told there is a magnet between us making it extremely difficult to open the door. But my thoughts are all over the place and I need to process this on my own. With one more look back, the man who opened the door is gone and in front of me is now a lost little boy.
"I am so sorry," I say as I close the door.
Christian's POV:
"Christian, darling…How are things in Austin? I trust the benefit is coming together?"
"Elena, what are you doing up so early? Everything is going well."
"I haven't heard from you regarding the portfolios I sent over weeks ago."
"Yes, thank you. However, I will not be going forward with those prospects."
"Oh? Would you like me to get together some additional candidates?"
"No Elena that will not be necessary. I have actually met someone."
"You found a submissive of your own? Where?"
"She is not a submissive. We will talk more about this later. I have to go."
As I sit here pacing back and forth never taking my eyes off the packets lying on the table, I start to question what I am doing. Within those envelopes are documents that can ruin me both professionally and personally. Ana can open those and never speak to me again. I can lose her. Am I doing the right thing? Yes, I have to believe that. I need her to realize that I want so much more from her than that life. I need her to realize we all have scars and secrets and this is the first step in showing that to her.
"Sir, Miss Steele is on her way up," Taylor advises.
Impatiently I wait against the door frame for the elevator to open. This could be the last time I am ever in the same room with her. And you would deserve it Grey. She should run as far away from you in the opposite direction if she had any sense.
When she begins to realize what she is reading, I can see her face contort. She is disgusted with me. I am disgusted with myself. I want so badly to explain, to justify the monster I am. But the words will not come out. I am losing her.
I lamely attempt to explain what this is and why I am showing this to her, I can feel her entire body tighten against me. Whatever wall I had worked at breaking down was fully erected due to these pages lying between us. It's not working. I have lost her. Watching her walk to the door, my brain is pleading with my body to get up, to chase her. But I am frozen. I can barely comprehend what she is saying as she walks out the door. I pathetically respond in my last ditch effort to get her to stay. She's gone. What the fuck did I just do?