Thinking about it, Sarah really shouldn't have had the conversation in the hospital. But Madison was dying to know how the previous evening had gone.
And Sarah was dying to tell someone what had happened.
It felt momentous but also completely frivolous at the same time.
"We kissed." Sarah blurted out as soon as she and Madison had found a quiet spot in the empty staff lounge.
Or rather, it was empty until Will barged in, late for work by the look of his home clothes and worried expression. An expression that changed when he heard the words tumbling from Sarah's mouth.
Will nearly fell over as he came to such an abrupt stop in front of the two doctors.
"Excuse me? Who kissed who?" He asked, apparently this new information was over riding his need to get to his locker. "Reese, please tell me it wasn't not Joey…"
"Oh no." Madison corrected him, "Connor."
Sarah felt her cheeks burn as bright as Will's hair.
"Huh." Will dumped his bag to the ground, and seemed to consider the new information. "Am I going to have to have a talk with Rhodes?" He asked, examining Sarah's face for any concerns. Big brother mode had kicked in, despite the blare of all three of their pagers.
She was pretty sure her cheeks flushed even more red at the mere memory of Connor the night before which was not ideal. "No, everything's fine. It's all for the…lies."
Was Will trying to hide a smile? "If you say so Reese." He rushed into the changing rooms, giving her no time to respond and the pagers gave her no time to think about it.
"So…" Madison grinned, "What was it like?"
Sarah shook her head, this was all ridiculous. "It doesn't matter, it was an act." She told her as they headed for the door out into the ED.
"That doesn't mean…" Madison started to argue but Sarah couldn't let her.
"No. I need to get distance from this. It's not real and I don't need to complicate things with Connor."
"But were things every simple between you two?" Madison asked as the chaos erupted around them and Sarah had no answer.
Sarah dragged herself into the doctors lounge to change out of her blood stained white coat. It had been a bad shift. A really bad one.
She let herself heave a tired sigh, thinking she was alone, before she saw a figure hunched in the corner.
It was a figure she instinctively recognized.
Connor was on a chair the corner, elbows resting on his knees, and his head in his hands.
He looked up at her with red-rimmed eyes.
He looked so alone. Like he had nobody to look out for him. Her heart clenched, she had been there herself one too many times.
"Hey Sarah." He said, his voice broken and tired.
"Hey Connor." She echoed, her own limbs nearly as tired as her frazzled brain. The day had been too much.
He sighed and sat up, like he was physically trying to pull himself together, "Rough shift huh?"
She wanted to do something, say something, to help him but she was at a loss. They were in a fake relationship but the way things were going, did it mean they were friends now?
"Yeah." She replied, barely finding her voice before excusing herself to change her clothes.
When she came back, Natalie was grabbing her bag and chatting to Connor, "Are you sure you don't want to come to Molly's? You look like you could use some company."
"Thanks, but I'm not in the mood for a crowd tonight." Connor responded.
"How about you Sarah?" Natalie asked.
"No thanks Natalie." She responded with a small smile.
"Okay, well take care of yourselves, we've all had a bad day." Natalie told them before she left.
Looking back at Connor, Sarah could see him mentally erecting his daily armor around himself again. She liked it better when she was let inside his defenses. And despite all her morning promises to herself about keeping a distance, she couldn't remember any of the reasons for it now.
The decision cemented in her mind.
"Hey Connor?"
He looked over at her with one of those gazes that seemed to see all the way into her very soul. Just like the very first time they had been introduced.
"Yeah?"
"I know a place that does great hot cocoa, just around the block. If you want someone to be alone with?"
She expected him to say no. They were closer but they didn't just hang out without the guise of their fake relationship.
"You know what? That sounds like just what I need right now." He said.
"I like this place." Connor commented from where he sat opposite her. His drink sat nestled between his hands and Sarah was glad to see at least some of the tension had left his shoulders. "How did you find it?"
Sarah shrugged a shoulder, "I was a lonely medical student whose roommates like to have loud parties when I needed to study. And this place has the best staff and never minded when I used to take up a table for hours on end and drank half their coffee supply." She said. The little hole in the wall coffee shop that almost doubled as a diner opened 24 hours a day and was the first place that Sarah had felt comfortable after moving to Chicago for university.
"You were lonely?" He asked and Sarah couldn't help but think that he sounded like the very concept hurt him.
She smiled self-consciously, "I'm not exactly a social butterfly. I think Gaffney is the first place that ever felt like home."
"I'm glad I came back to Chicago." He admitted, "Even with the Rhodes fan-fair, at least I get to be Connor at work and have people I trust around."
Silence fell around them, nestled in a corner table, one that had Sarah's name unofficially on it. It was a nice silence, despite the day they had had.
"And I'm glad I came here." He said, making her heart skip a beat.
"I told you they had the best cocoa." She told him.
"No, I mean it is great." The corner of his mouth pulled upward as he held his mug up, "But I needed this; to not be in a crowd but to not be alone."
"I have a habit of isolating myself when things get tough." Sarah admitted before she realized what she was doing. Something about Connor just made her lower her own defenses.
"Yeah?" He asked.
"It probably has something to do with being alone a lot of my life." Sarah said.
"I remember after my Mom died, there were so many people around that I was never alone. It was only when I went to college that it finally hit just how lonely I was. Not the nicest feeling."
"No it's not." Sarah agreed.
"You were alone a lot?" He asked softly. Her childhood and lack of relationship with her parents had been something that she had alluded to with Joey, but he had never cared enough to ask any further.
So she told Connor, who was looking at her in their dimly lit corner like he wanted to know the very essence of her soul. She told him about the various cycle of Nannies that been hired to act as a pseudo mother for her, about never knowing her father, about never quite living up to her mother's high expectations.
By the time they got to their second cocoa, Connor started to open up too, about his mother's death, the estrangement between him and his father and how he wished he had been a better brother for Claire when they were younger.
For the first time, Sarah felt like she could finally see as much of Connor as he had always seen of her.
Their quiet conversation was interrupted by a bustling group of college kids descending on the small space.
"Want to get out of here?" Connor asked.
"Probably a good idea." She agreed, sad to think their night would be ending. She tried to argue but Connor paid their bill.
"Sarah, you made this evening great when I was expecting it to beat me up."
She felt sorry for the owners as they crowd seemed to increase and they were going to have a problem making their way to the door.
It made sense, for Connor to intertwine his hand with hers and help her through the crowd, but it still made her heart race. They made it outside and he gently let go of her hand but she missed the feeling of his skin on hers immediately.
It was relatively warm for a night in February in Chicago. "Want to walk for a while?" He asked somewhat hesitantly and she nearly jumped at the chance.
She had discovered that she loved his company outside of work as much as she loved his company at work. It had nothing to do with the way his blue eyes lit up against the streetlights or the way they could fall into step so easily, their hands very nearly brushing off each others, or so Sarah told herself.
They talked about nothing and everything, from the weather recently to their dreams for their careers. It was so easy.
Sarah worried that it was too easy.
She stifled a yawn at some stage and he looked at her with soft eyes, "C'mon, it's time to go home."
Her heart and mind raced to treacherous territories at his innocent words. Like they could go home together. Like being together was home.
They made their way back to the hospital, which was alight against the now darkened sky. He walked her back to the car. "Thank you for tonight Sarah. I needed…" He shook his head slightly as if he couldn't find the words to describe what he had needed but Sarah's heart jumped to the idea that he just might have needed her. "Just thank you."
"There's no need to thank me Connor." She replied, "But it was a nice way to spend the night after the day we had."
He nodded in agreement as she got into her car. "See you around Reese." He said.