The whole team were assembled in the board room, gazing at the live feed from the cells. "All I can tell so far is that it's a carbon-based life form," said Owen, looking at the readings overlaid on the screen. "But other than that, I'll have to wait until the tests are complete. Unless you have any idea, Jack?"
Jack shrugged. "I've seen a number of life forms like that in the past, but which one that is I can't be sure. If you can figure out what it eats, I might be able to take a guess."
"It hasn't eaten any of the food we left," said Tosh doubtfully.
"Maybe it's not hungry," commented Ianto.
"Maybe it's a bit, y'know, freaked out to be in a cell, given that it's clearly sentient," pointed out Gwen acerbically.
Jack sighed. "We don't need it to eat, necessarily. Owen can do an analysis of its waste products. We just need it to poop."
"I hate my life," grumbled Owen. "Being knee deep in alien shit was not what I wanted in life."
"It hasn't pooped yet, anyway, so you can't guess at the depth," said Ianto calmly. "I just hope it uses the slop bucket. I'm not looking forward to cleaning up after it if it does its business in flight."
"Just because it flies doesn't necessarily mean it'll… oh, that's gross," said Tosh, wrinkling her nose
"But in the slop bucket," said Ianto with satisfaction.
"It's clearly intelligent," commented Tosh, head on one side. "It's figured out there's a camera. And look! It's trying to get our attention!"
The five of them looked on in fascination as the alien waved in the direction of the camera, and pointed to the bucket. Then it waved its claws in front of its snout unhappily.
"It wants us to empty the bucket," said Ianto, unable to drag his eyes away.
"Fastidious alien, does that give you any clues?" asked Owen hopefully.
Jack shook his head. "Hygiene is actually fairly well-spread amongst alien life-forms. Sorry, Owen - you'll still need to test. But at least it's in a bucket."
Owen shot him a filthy look, and swore under his breath. "I'll see you all later, then," he said sarcastically.
"Judging by the level of protein, it's a carnivore," stated Owen when they re-convened later on. "Though the surprising thing is that the levels of iron and potassium I'd expect from a terrestrial carnivore are reversed."
Jack looked up sharply. "It eats kalaemic life forms, is that what you're saying?"
"What are they?" asked Gwen.
"Potassium-based," replied Tosh. "Should we try it on bananas and avocados?"
"Carnivore, Tosh," said Owen slowly and patiently. "Eats meat."
"I was just thinking it might opt for something with a high potassium level if it can't get its normal prey," she replied sulkily. "Clearly it doesn't like our iron-rich meat."
"It's worth a try," said Jack before Owen could make any further sarcastic comments. "Failing that, we'll have to try potassium supplements."
"Do you at least know what it is, yet?" asked Ianto.
Jack chuckled. "I've got a fair idea now I know what it eats. Kalaemic life-forms aren't so wide-spread as all that, so it narrows it down to one planetary system. But there's one thing I do want to check out."
Owen groaned. "Jack, seriously? I've tested everything I can think of."
"Ah, this one's not a medical test, it's a behavioural one." He pressed a few buttons on the laptop in front of him, and music started playing down in the cells.
Gwen raised her eyebrows. "You want to know if it likes Little Richard?"
He shrugged. "Any type of rock 'n' roll."
"Why?" she demanded. "Why the hell does it matter?"
Tosh was smiling. "Look at it! Is it… is it trying to dance?"
"There's sound coming through its horn," added Ianto, "like it's trying to sing along with the music."
By this time, Jack was laughing. "Well, there you go, mystery solved. It's a Glittyron."
"A glitter what now?" asked Gwen.
"A Glittyron." He shook his head, smiling. "You know what colour potassium goes if you burn it, right?"
"Lilac," said Tosh immediately.
"So the creatures that it eats are most likely…?"
"…Lilac…" she said slowly, cottoning on.
"And it has how many eyes?"
"One," supplied Owen, mystified.
"How many horns?"
"Just the one," added Ianto, also tumbling to it.
"Right. Allow me to introduce to you the Glittyron… the one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple-people eater."
As Gwen burst out laughing, Owen stomped off in a huff. "You fucking knew that all along, didn't you, Harkness?" he yelled over his shoulder.
Jack wiped the tears of laughter from his face. "I'll go and let Ronnie out. Ianto, could you grab me a couple of bananas? Tosh was spot on about the potassium."
Gwen stared at him as Ianto left in search of bananas. "Hang on a minute… Ronnie? Do you actually know each other?"
Jack nodded happily. "Old friend of mine, popped in for old time's sake, agreed to partake in a prank."
Tosh sighed. "I should have known when it was so easy to catch it - him?" she said, rolling her eyes.
As Tosh walked out, Gwen looked over at Jack and smiled. "Well, I thought it was funny," she laughed. "Can I come and meet him properly?"
Jack got up and held his hand out to her. "Sure."