When the nightmares started, Rona was about thirteen years old. They hit like a cement truck to her heart, leaving her head foggy and her mind disoriented. She felt the trembling rise up from her toes to her fingers, like every last inch of her couldn't keep itself warm, and her stomach felt both empty and like a lead weight had settled in it.
She didn't know what to think at first. She saw the lightning strike, felt the clash of thunder, could hear it dimly in her ears, leaving behind a ringing that she couldn't ignore or fight off. And then, cold in her bed and more asleep than awake, the dream played out like a movie reel.
It started with the night of that ball, when Shirayuki was kidnapped, started with the fear caused by the frightful attack. Started slowly and built to a crescendo. There were other images too. Ones that didn't make much sense.
But first, she sees Shirayuki be kidnapped, feels numb, can't scream, can't cry out, can't help her. And then later, in her dream, things get worse, and Shirayuki doesn't make it.
Now, that she's older, her dream has morphed into something far too menacing to be dreamt about. She sees Ryuu in Shirayuki's place. He stands handsome in a suit, dressed for a ball, and then, then... He's grabbed and taken, and she watches as a sword pierces into him again and again and again and again.
Rona wakes up in tears, shaking, quaking, and throat closed in from screams that never came. And she always feels so sick, as she stares up at the dark ceiling, seeing nothing but the hint of shadows. So, she crawls out of bed on the nights she can walk, and usually winds up curling up next to Raji. He's older and somehow he can still make her feel safe usually.
Now, though she's still shaking, and can't bear the thought of turning to her older brother. She's grown up. So much time has passed, and she isn't thirteen anymore. She takes a deep breath; it hiccups like a sob, half-muted and half lost in her throat.
Rona tries to breathe deeper, tries to calm down her shaking, stares at the ring on her finger, trying to steady herself. Rings don't just pop up, rings don't place themselves on hands.
She knows he's alive, knows he's well. So, trembling, she stumbles on to shaky legs and walks over to her desk, pulling out a drawer, accidentally dropping it on the floor, where it hits her toes. Rona grumbles beneath her breath, and finally, she sifts through the drawer to pull out a half-folded up letter, and she sits down at the desk, turning on her lamp, and kicking the drawer a little bit away to make leg room for her.
So, she reads. It's a longer one too. Full of plant names and explanations carefully laid out with messy diagrams, she still can't quite read, but like always tries to make sense out of. And finally, written in his own messy scrawl, 'I love you.' And Rona breathes a little easier.
He's alive. He's well. ...and he loves her. Ryuu loves her.
Rona closes her eyes for a moment, to drink it in, to try to ease the ache of the pain away. She still remembers when Shirayuki was kidnapped, she still remembers that Shirayuki got out, that she is safe now and alive and well and married, and Rona still struggles sometimes past the lump in her throat to remember.
And the nightmares make her feel as if she's lost Ryuu too. She still trembles at the memory of the kidnapping, still hasn't fully let it go, and she always tries to appear so strong. Few see beyond her carefully constructed walls.
But Ryuu knows. He knows. She told him once to try to ease up the lump in her throat, to try to learn how to breathe, and he writes her letters more and more often, especially now that they are engaged. And he sends 'I love yous' like hidden reminders, something to ease her breathing and help her calm down after a nightmare. And something that when she is fine and it is daytime, makes her almost want to squeal with a kind of joy that reminds her of being thirteen again. Back before Shirayuki was kidnapped.
Her life's become a before and after, and she's still trying to heal.
She grabs a pen in still a little shaky fingers, and a blank piece of paper and begins to write. Topping the letter off with 'I love you' just below the 'Dear Ryuu', and clumsily since her fingers and hands don't quite want to work yet, she tells him 'thank you.'
It doesn't end up long before she has to stop; her stomach is still rolling, her head is still murky, and she needs to calm her tears for a moment of clarity. But she signs the short letter, planning on sending it tomorrow, much like other similar letters.
And when she does, she'll also write him a longer, more specific reply and let him know she truly does love him.
One day, he'll be here to ease her quaking shoulders that bear sobs too big for her body, and he'll be here to remind her, that he's alive and well.
But she has been healing and the nightmares are less frequent than they used to be, and she feels safe with those reminders. And she still remembers the way Ryuu looked at her one day and asked her what was going on.
And how he'd almost seemed to know already.
How she told him in quite a bit of fear and quite a bit of shaking, and how he simply held her then. She was much more of a hugger than he'd ever been, but somehow he knows just how to reach her heart and how to calm her down.
Rona can't wait for their wedding; she'll speak her vows, finally say and profess the words she's felt deep down and wanted to vow for so long. And then, he'll speak of his own promises, binding them to hers. And they will make a future for themselves, regardless of what that may or may not look like.
They don't have it all worked out, but they'll figure it out, Rona knows for sure.
She breathes a little easier now, as she bends down and picks up the drawer, puts it back away with both her latest letter and the one from Ryuu, and she turns off the lamp and hurries back to bed, exhausted.
Hopefully, now she'll be able to sleep once more; this time without any nightmares.