Chapter 1

I awoke with a start, just as I always did nowadays. Sleep never came easy, and when it finally took over, it was never steady or linear like it once was. Without the arms I was so used to reaching for and towards on the nights I felt loneliest, my mind was always running rampant with torturous anxiety.

Rolling over onto my left side, my arm extended to the spot in question. For the first few weeks after he left, it was barren, almost painful to look at. An eerie chill replaced the warmth of the being that used to inhabit the area of the bed sectioned off just for him.

In his place now laid his daughter. Eleanor, or Ellie, as she preferred to be called. So much like him, yet so much like me all the same. The perfect mix is what I'd heard time and time again.

At a first glance, she looked so much like her father that it was scary: sandy blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, tanned tone to her skin. The smaller details such as her nose shape, ears, chin, those were all mine.

If I had to say, though I did carry some bias, I did agree with those around me when they said she was, without a doubt, a perfect mix.

Ellie had, luckily for me, inherited her father's ability to read people and sense their emotions without them having to say anything. She was clever, being able to understand social cues and facial expressions easier than even me. I could recall noticing that about her from infancy, her little blue eyes darting from face to face as if she knew exactly what was on everyone's minds; and if she didn't, she'd figure it out soon enough.

After Jack left, I tried as best I could to keep myself grounded for both of our sakes. I couldn't bear to slip into a state I knew I wouldn't easily be able to pull myself out of, especially because I knew it was only me raising our daughter. Of course, I couldn't completely avoid the emotions that attacked every crevice of who I once was, and as much as I tried to hide it, Ellie noticed.

Jack's departure had taken a toll on her, too, even at her young age. We both grew to be far too lonely to spend so much as a night alone. So now, instead of either of us having to feel the dread and discomfort that came with laying solo, we had the other to keep company.

I laid still for a moment, moving a strand of hair out of Ellie's face, admiring how she looked so young while sleeping. That was another thing she and Jack had in common. I recalled the nights where I couldn't sleep, watching his face as he peacefully slumbered without a worry in the world. And now, looking at her, I could see that same look of tranquility.

Finally, I knew I had to get up and face my world, which had become too terribly bleak in the past near year and a half. My mornings had become somewhat of a routine over the last few months. Instinctively, I lit the stove, placed the kettle, and went outside to retrieve the paper. The sun was just beginning to peak over the horizon, and the sight alone made me yawn.

I was already preparing for another long day.

Trudging with the paper in my hand, I tossed it on the counter without care as I prepared my tea. My eyes darted to the clock, and I figured I had another hour to two until Ellie's little voice called out for me.

Despite her empathy and critical nature, she was anti-independent to a fault and relied on me for many things in her life, waking up being one of them. I wasn't sure if it was because Jack had been ripped away from her so suddenly, but every morning I had to untuck her from bed before she felt comfortable leaving the room.

Once my tea was cool enough to drink, I sat myself at the dining table, trying to will my eyes to stay open long enough to read the articles lining the newspaper. There wasn't all too much news on the war. It'd been dying down considerably since a ceasefire and white flag had been thrown into the fray.

Soldiers had been cleared to come home, and life was to slowly begin rebuilding in the months and years to come. The idea seemed impossible to me, and if it weren't for the fact that I'd seen men returning with my own eyes, I'd never have believed it.

Next, just as my routine called for, my eyes scanned the weather. It seemed like a nice day to take Ellie out to the park she loved so - the very one that Jack had introduced me to shortly after our move to Colorado. It was almost like a family spot in a strange sense, holding a meaning only special to us.

I was about to travel to the next page when a sound, very faint and small, reached my ears. It almost sounded like a knock, though for the hour it was, that didn't make much sense. I stood up, suddenly petrified of the certain intruder, when another sound evaded my mind: footsteps.

Not just any footsteps. No, they were familiar, one's I'd be able to recognize anywhere. Mine were soft, careful and relaxed. Ellie's were much like her: calculated and dramatic, almost between a stomp and a regular stride.

These belonged to neither of us. They were the ones that carried me through the sand in Santa Monica, the ones that led me across the ice as my skates began to slip, the ones that sounded so sure and precise even in the most dire of situations.

My heart was in my throat as I rounded the corner leading to the front door. It couldn't be real, could it? Not after all this time, not after all my doubts. It wasn't until I saw him there that every one of my suspicions were confirmed. Before me stood Jack, clad in his uniform and bag slung over his shoulder, just like it was on the day he left.

Not knowing exactly what was happening, I froze. I was sure that he had to be another one of my visions. But he looked so solid, so real, that I doubted the factuality of those thoughts.

I approached him with some amount of caution, almost as if he'd disappear if I made any sudden movements, "Jack…"

Just like I had a minute earlier, it was Jack's turn to freeze. He stood there, still as a statue, his bag slipping from his hand and falling to the floor with a thud that echoes off the empty walls.

A few seconds later, he found his voice, "Rose."

Something about the tone in his voice snapped me out of my head. I crossed the room and closed the space between us. My arms flung up and around his middle, and he didn't miss a beat as they found my waist. I grasped at him with no urgency to let go, and that's when I realized I'd begun to shake ever so slightly.

I laughed in spite of the situation, thinking about how I was right. He was solid. So real, so physical that I wanted to melt into him. And as we squeezed each other, I felt as though I was getting as close as I could.

Time kept ticking, but any sense of it seemed to dissipate between us. We stood there as one, my head pressed against his chest, arms wound together, making us a singular being.

A sob escaped my lips, causing Jack to press his cheek into the top of my head, his arms wrapping themselves tighter around my frame. I heard him sniffle, his voice quivering as he spoke, "I'm home."

After I felt as though I'd held onto Jack long enough, I backed off his chest and looked at him, a smile never wavering. He just looked back at me, mirroring my expression. It all seemed so surreal, like if I blinked then he'd be gone. Because one too many times, that same scenario had gone down.

Slowly, my arms traveled up his frame, wrapping themselves around his neck. His hands found their place on my hips, almost as if it were out of habit. And finally, I closed the small space between the two of us, our lips connecting.

It was sweet, my lips tingling at the feeling of the contact that'd been absent from them for too long. For a year I'd longed for just his presence to be back with me that I almost forgot how euphoric the touch of the lips was to me.

We pulled apart after a few seconds, though our hands remained still until we fell out of whatever spell had captured us both. I reached down and took hold of one of his hands, realizing that we were still standing near the front door. I led him further into the house, not caring about his discarded knapsack on the ground.

"I was just about to make some tea. Would you like some?" He laughed at my question, probably because of the casual nature of it. But I wanted to take care of him. Anything he needed, I'd go to the ends of the earth to get. After the year he had, it was the least I could do; and besides, I'd be happy to do it.

"I can make it," Jack replied.

"No, I insist." It was just like him to try and take responsibility for everything just after he'd gotten home.

I felt Jack's eyes following me as I worked my way around the kitchen, digging through cabinets and placing the kettle on the stove for the second time that morning. Though, I couldn't help but notice the twitching and tapping of his fingers on the counter as he watched on.

He'd never been that much of an anxious person in the past, and I bit my lip in worry. It was wishful thinking to believe that he'd come back completely fine, and I hoped for his sake that he'd speak up should he need to. Because that was another thing about Jack - he liked to keep things hidden until he couldn't anymore.

We enjoyed the silence and just being in the same room with each other until the kettle began its song, signaling to me that I had to prepare the rest of the tea. The whole process finished relatively quickly, and I placed a mug in front of Jack, who'd still been watching me the entire way through.

Just as he went to take the mug from where I set it, his hand touched mine. He stopped in his tracks, and instead of grabbing the mug, he went for my hand. Instant butterflies came for me and I almost felt like a schoolgirl meeting the boy she adores for the first time.

He looked up at me, making the butterflies swarm further. "I missed you."

I smiled at him, not really being able to help it, when I saw the silent tears lining in his ducts. It took everything within me not to drop the gesture. He looked so torn, so hurt and upset that it squashed every remaining butterfly to dust.

My voice dropped to something near a whisper, "How bad was it?"

He avoided my gaze, grasping my hand harder and shutting his eyes. He stayed quiet for a moment longer, and when his eyes met mine, I could immediately tell that he was hiding his emotions from me. It was in the way he was not looking directly at me, biting the inside of his cheek, that I knew he was dodging the question at hand.

His tone matched mine, "I'm just glad I'm home with you."

Another thing out of place. He'd never been one to be particularly dodgy with my questions in the past, and my heart sank. The only thing I felt I could do was squeeze his hand harder to let him know that I felt the same.

I frowned, "You know you can talk to me, right?" Seeing him in the state he was in was unusual, so a reminder seemed like a given. I knew he didn't typically need a reminder, but this wasn't a typical time either.

Jack smiled, this time genuine. He lifted my hand, bringing it close to his lips, "Of course I do." And when he kissed it, all I could do was hope he was telling me the truth.

Another silence fell between us, and I leaned against the table. I was sure that sitting down would do me no good with how high my adrenaline was running. I took a sip of my tea and fought the urge to chuckle, "I can't believe this is real. I've been wishing for this every day since you left."

Before he left, our mornings had usually been spent together. We'd sit across from each other, eating our meals and discussing our days without any disruptions. It was the most calming and pure part of my days, and they'd felt a lot more lonely in his absence.

"It's real," Jack said, and I wasn't sure who he was trying to convince. "And I'm never leaving again. I'll be here with you and Ellie forever." He paused, looking around the room as if he was missing something, "Where is Ellie?"

The corners of my lips lifted at the thought of our daughter, "She's asleep."

Just then, as if she knew we'd been speaking of her, her little voice cut into the conversation. "Mommy!"

I couldn't help but smile, chucking under my breath at her seamless timing. I slid my mug away from me and stood up fully, my hand reaching to touch Jack's shoulder. "I'll be back. Don't go anywhere."

I said it as more of a lighthearted joke, but I truly meant it. I didn't know where my worry ridden brain thought he'd run off to, but I just had to make sure that he knew I was expecting him not to disappear into thin air.

His hand went to the one on his shoulder. I was sure he was feeling the same anxiety that I was, "I'll be here."

Making the short distance upstairs, my heart went through another wave of emotions similar to when Jack opened the front door. This time, when I went to untuck our daughter from the covers, she wouldn't have to endure another day of what if's and maybe's. Part of her would be returning, and I was more nervous for her reaction than anything else that happened so far.

We talked about Jack a lot over the past almost year and a half. He was her father after all, and in the beginning she missed him more than anything in the world. It wasn't anybody's fault when her memories of him began to falter and shift a bit - no one's three year old brain can hold onto something after the reminder has been gone for so long.

No matter what, she knew who her father was. I told her many stories from when she was an infant and beyond, hoping she could grasp a sliver of her memories and remember the man who was forced to leave her behind.

And she had. She still talked about him without my prompting, though after he'd been gone so long, I worried that to her, he seemed more like a fairytale than a father.

Just as she was every morning, I found Ellie sitting up on the bed, the lower half still covered by blankets. She wiped her tired eyes and I walked up to her, trying to make my voice sound more excited than anxious, "Ellie, guess what?"

She picks up on my tone rather quickly, her eyes lighting up as I untangle her legs from the maze of blankets, "What?"

I tucked a piece of blonde hair behind her ear, trying to measure what her reaction would be. I'm honestly not sure. "Daddy's home."

A gasp, followed by her eyes darting around the room, just as Jack's had minutes earlier.

I laughed at their similaires, happy to now be able to find glee instead of grimess in having a reminder of him following me around. "Should we go see him?"

She nodded eagerly, her arms reaching for me. I bit my tongue, lifting her. Despite her being five, her love for being held never wavered like with other children her age. I often told her that she was big enough to walk, but decided to give her a pass given our circumstances.

And besides, with Jack home, I assumed he'd break the rule on more than one occasion.

We made our way downstairs, and I was the first to spot him. In the past few minutes, he'd moved to the couch, where I could again see his fingers dancing against the fabric of the cushion in anticipation.

When the bottom step of the stairs creaked, his head snapped back. He stared at Ellie, who had since dug herself further into my hip. I could see the tears welling back up in Jack's eyes even from a distance. The whole way through, his eyes never left her.

I sat down beside him, Ellie rested in my lap. For a moment, I stroked her soft, silky hair to ease her nervousness, before looking up at Jack. His eyes are glazed over with some apprehension, as if he's taken over with too much emotion to even speak.

Looking at the two of them, I see two predicaments that end on the same lane. Ellie, feeling too shy to even look her father in the eye, not being able to remember the touch of his hand, his voice at bedtime, or his lips against her cheek.

And Jack had felt entirely too guilty for missing a whole year of his daughter's life. Two birthdays, sick days, holidays, milestones, and everything in between. For too long he'd been without her, and she'd been without him. His heart was broken more so than I could even imagine, and I didn't want to try, for if I did I was sure that mine would lay beside his.

In the end, they were nervous for the same reason: they were back together.

He seemed to come back to life when I reached over and squeezed his hand. Finally, he found his voice, sweet and soft as ever, "Hi." Jack smiled at Ellie, tears still in his eyes as he spoke again, "I missed you so much Elsie."

His voice caused Ellie to grip my arm and hide her face in my shoulder. That only made me feel so much more impossibly worse than before. The bond between the two used to be stronger than I could've imagined.

I'd been so worried about becoming a parent. Both of my examples had been less than perfect, and I was constantly thinking about all the wrongs I could manage. In my mind, things could only go negatively on my end, for I had no idea what I was doing.

Jack had been nothing but a natural, so nurturing and loving even before she was born. The way he could easily calm and ease her filled me with jealousy. His voice alone had been enough to quell her infant cries. And as she got older, he was always able to pacify her rapid fire of questions and seamlessly talk her through her mistakes.

"Ellie, you remember Daddy." I meant to phrase it as a question, though just thinking about it hurt too much. Of course she remembered him on a basic level, but not the little things that made her love him so much. "Don't you?"

A wave of relief washed over when I felt Ellie nod her into my shoulder. She relaxed as I stroked her hair once again. She looked up, her eyes finding Jack's. Her body released some of its pent up tension as she just leaned against me.

Jack didn't even try to get rid of the few tears that slid down his cheeks. He licked his lips before speaking, something he did when he was nervous. "I know I've been gone a while, but I promise, I'm here now with you and Mommy. I'm never leaving again."

I could see the wires turning in Ellie's brain before she decided to trust what he said. Her head then cocked to the side a bit as she released me with one of her hands. She reached towards Jack, and he gladly accepted her tiny palm in his.

Then, for the first time since she was three, Ellie spoke to her father, "Daddy?"

Jack released a breath, surely feeling more relieved than he had been minutes before. He flashed her that natural, loving smile, "I'm here, Ellie." He paused, running his thumb across her hand, "I'm here."

She just mimicked his facial expression. And I, watching it all unfold right before me, started to cry silently. Seeing them side by side was all I'd wished for in the time Jack was away from us. And somehow, it was coming true.

I watched, allowing my tears of a thousand emotions to fall down my cheeks. The sight before me was far too much to handle, far too beautiful for me to care about the droplets that now streamed down to my lap. A family reunited, a father and daughter brought together, a wife and husband beating every odd that was stacked against them.

I figured our battle was only beginning now that Jack was home, but I also knew that we'd survived far worse than anything that was yet to come.