Chapter 6

When Jack finally got home from work the evening after his first day, it felt like a big weight had been lifted from the air of the house. Both Ellie and I had been stiff and anxious from the moment he left, and although I understood it for her, being a little girl who's had her father leave and disappear once before, I wasn't entirely sure why I'd been so bent up about it.

Ellie practically tackled him the instant his foot crossed the threshold. Of course, being the sentimental man he is (and often denies being), Jack had to hold back tears as he lifted her into his arms and swung her around. But it got her to laugh, and that was enough to lighten the downcast mood we all carried.

From then on, she refused to leave his arms, and after dinner when the sun finally disappeared, she fell asleep right in his lap. He'd suggested that he bring her up to my - I wanted to object and correct him with our - bed, but I shook my head and asked him to bring her up to her own room. For a split second, something close to fear flashes behind his eyes, but it quickly dissipated when I explain that we'll both be up and about and don't want to wake her. I think he knew just as much as I did that my answer wasn't truthful, but he obliged anyway and walked upstairs with her.

Once he came back down, he found me on the living room couch with a glass of wine in each hand.

Jack smiled as he took a seat beside me. I passed him a glass, "So… it was good?" I asked, referring to his job.

"Yeah… it was nice to be back," he said, nodding his head, grin never faltering. He took my hand and played with my fingers in his, "I missed working with everyone"

He continued to tell me about his day, seemingly unphased by the whole ordeal. While Ellie and I had been restless and worried, he'd been acting as if nothing was amiss for him. Eventually, he informed me that another couple invited our family over for dinner. I tried to read his face as he said this, but reading people's emotions hadn't ever been a talent of mine, so all I could pinpoint was the enthusiastic smile lining his face.

I wasn't sure why I was so skeptical of Jack's elated attitude towards everything. But then I remember his attitude yesterday, how he was so terrified of leaving us alone, even if for a few hours. And not just that, but since he returned home, he'd become so… distant? Hesitant? Reserved? It's hard to believe that everything could've changed so quickly. That, as much as I hated admitting it to myself, I don't think he could've been okay going to work and socializing like normal.

But as I looked at him, glowing smile and stories sounding so sincere, I had to doubt the tales my mind conjured up. He couldn't possibly be lying to me, could he? Why would he even bother doing so, knowing I didn't need to be protected from his emotions. He hadn't tried hiding anything from me yet… at least I'm nearly certain he hadn't. There's things I hadn't been told from his time in the war, things I probably wouldn't ever be told, but that's not exactly the same as lying.

"So, how was your day?" Jack asked, breaking me from my reverie.

"Oh…" I shook my head, blinking a few times as I took a sip from my glass. "It was alright. Ellie missed you." He smiled at that. "And… I missed you, too."

Jack's eyes softened as he took the glass from my hand and set it on the coffee table in front of us. My heart instantly started pounding at the cage in my chest, even though the situation shouldn't have called for such a reaction. But when he leaned in and kissed me, pulling me close, I felt his heart beating just as fervently as mine.

It was almost like getting to know him all over again, I realized. He made me just as nervous as he did the day I met him.

But this felt… normal, almost. Maybe Jack really was okay. It was nearly impossible to figure out what was going on inside his head when he spat out words and stories my mind refused to take as truth, no matter how much I wanted to.

"I missed you so much, Jack," I admitted, and I knew we were both aware I wasn't just talking about while he was at work. I meant through it all - the war, yes, but more specifically the time since he'd been home. The days where the Jack that left wasn't the same as the one who came back in his place.

And I knew how selfish it was to think like that. Because, of course, he would change from an event that traumatizing. And I had changed too. In ways I never expected. The whole entire world changed in one way or another.

But he must have agreed with the sentiment, because his arms only tightened around me, tugging me in so tight I was almost flush against him. "I missed you, too." One of his hands reached up and wiped a stray curl from my eye, "What do you think would've happened if I never left?"

My heart instantly shattered, and I tried not to let the grin on my face falter as I pondered over his comment. It's impossible to pretend that things wouldn't be better. We would've never taken the pause our relationship was forced to, never missed each other the way we did, never be as divided as we seem now, never would've had our daughter be separated from a parent. Maybe we'd have another child altogether.

"I don't know," I whispered. "But for whatever reason, this was what was supposed to happen. And soon, it'll feel like you never left."

"It already feels that way sometimes," he told me, pausing briefly as he inched a little from our close contact. "When Ellie looks up at me and smiles, or when she puts up her arms and asks to sit on my lap. And being with you, holding you in my arms, looking into your eyes and thinking about what we've been through together… it just feels like I never left."

Somewhere within me it hurt that it was impossible for me to feel the same. Every moment of every day I'm reminded of how everything's completely altered from the way it used to be. I still wasn't quite used to finding him downstairs every morning, having him there to parent Ellie, or just generally participating in any other household activity I'd become so used to doing solo.

"I know," I replied, because although the memories of him being gone were still too fresh for me to bear, I was beyond happy he was capable of feeling that way.

Jack touched my face, a small upturn of the lips ever present on his face. "You've been taking care of everything yourself for a while now, and it's not something you should've ever had to do-"

"It's alright, Jack," I cut him off, knowing he only said that because he found the lack of sincerity in my voice. "You know I'll do anything for you, for our family."

He shook his head. "Nevertheless, I think I've been taking that for granted. We've been talking about the war and my recovery for a while, and I haven't once asked about you." He looked at me, almost timidly, "What happened while I was gone?"

I hesitated for a moment, not wanting to upset Jack. But knowing how much he's outwardly been improving, I realized that me talking about my own experiences may be exactly what he needed from me. "Well… I missed you more than I could ever describe. I've never missed someone as much as I missed you. Having the person I love most ripped away from me was nearly unbearable."

Jack took a deep inhale, letting out a shuttery breath. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart."

"And Ellie…" my voice cracked despite my efforts to mask my emotions. "Ellie cried for you for a very long time, and I hoped and prayed that it would stop, too naive to realize that if she stopped crying for you or asking when you were coming home, it was because her memory was starting to fade. Even once it did, I talked about you constantly. I told her stories about our adventures together, reminded her of things you two did together, and told her that one day, you'd be home, and things would pick up again. But she… regressed. You know how she used to be, always independent, always asking a million questions and doing a million different things. That all ended once you left, and suddenly, she couldn't sleep in her own room without me, she couldn't get out of bed without me coming to get her, she would always ask to be held. And my loneliness and desperation often got the best of me, so I let her do those things. Because I didn't have it in me to sleep alone either, and I didn't have the strength to say no to her."

Jack rubbed along my leg comfortingly, taking in every word. When he spoke, his voice was at an octave so small I could barely hear it, "That's alright, Rose. You still handled everything so well. She's alright, even if this year did put a hold on her development."

I wiped at my wetting tear ducts. "You were her favorite person in the whole world," I touched Jack's cheek, not being able to ignore the pain hidden in his gaze. "And I don't feel bad about that in the least. She still loved me, and watching you talk to her and hold her and all of that gave me more joy than anything else in the world. But when you were gone, I just felt… inadequate. Like I wasn't enough for her all on my own."

"Rose…" He wiped a tear from my cheek with his thumb. I hadn't even known they'd begun to trickl. "That's ridiculous, alright? You were everything she needed while I was gone. When most people would've fallen apart, you filled both parental roles and gave her everything you had. And I can see that just by looking at her."

I nodded, because it was all I could do to keep from breaking down into a mess of hysterics right then and there. I hadn't realized how many wounds I'd been leaving exposed to the air until I ripped open the blemishes out from my heart and poured them onto Jack's.

It's then I noticed his hand on my leg, rubbing absentmindedly, and that's what it took for me to feel a bit of the wounds closing up. I leaned back in, closing the little gap which remained between the two of us. My head fell against his chest, and he laid back on the cushion of the couch, wrapping his arms securely around my frame.

I lifted my head off Jack just for a moment, wanting to maintain our eye contact through one last request. "Promise me nothing will separate us again," I whispered, my tone coming out more fragile than I expected. But I suppose that's how most things in my life had become.

Jack smiled, before pursing his lips together. He laid a gentle hand on the back of my head, pressing it back down onto his chest. I felt him place a kiss in my hair, his fingers beginning to swim through my curls.

My eyes started to grow heavy without my consent, and as the tendrils of unconsciousness began to pull me under, his peaceful voice sang me to sleep with its assurance.

"I promise."