The boundaries of unconsciousness and reality were blurred for him. Barbara's slightly trembling hands were pulling off his clothes with awkward haste, and it felt so unquestionably right that he didn't even want to think about how they'd gotten there.
Until a few minutes ago, he'd felt like an SUV had driven over him. In this woman's arms, his pain was going away. He felt good. So good! He could only feel even better if she finally relaxed and stopped dodging his kisses. Her desperate resistance did bring him to his senses at some point, the sweet stupefaction dissipating. But that didn't change anything for him. He wanted her and he had no intention of backing down.
It was she who intended to back down. Confusion, disbelief and anger splashed in her green eyes, and she paced back, trying to ward him off with her usual wall of irony and contrived indifference. And it was driving him crazy. He couldn't contain his irritation. He needed her right now! He couldn't wait any longer! His journey to her was too long.
The unyielding tomboy with a ruffly temper and a host of life problems had hit him with something almost immediately. "That woman is a minefield," he had said to Helen then. At first he had tried to comprehend her out of idle interest. The inquisitive, keen mind of the Eton and Oxford graduate was eager to solve her like a complex rebus in a magazine, and at the time he needed something to distract him from the thoughts of Deborah and the enquiry that were driving him mad.
By the end of their first case together, a budding sympathy and genuine empathy had joined this interest. Too many problems rested on those fragile shoulders. Besides it was a kind of exportation for him which he was subconsciously trying to overcome. He had experienced something similar in his youth, when a young burly mare had appeared in their stable, who had then walked obediently under his saddle for many years, becoming his favourite.
Then came a sincere respect for her keen intelligence, her persistent pursuit of truth and justice, and her undoubted goodness. He was amused by her principles and class intransigence.
Gradually they reached a new level of relationship that was difficult to define. The matter was too subtle. At times, they did not need words to understand each other. There were no blood ties between them, but if someone asked him to compare the degree of his affection for Barbara, he would not hesitate to put her on a par with Judith. Except that without Judith's daily presence in his life he was content. It was enough for him to see her on the rare weekends at the estate and to call her from time to time. It was enough for him to know that she was all right. With Barbara it was different. He felt an urgent need for her to be with him every day. For a very long time he put it down to work. He needed the job and, consequently, Barbara as its indispensable appendix - a loyal, intelligent, honest partner and friend. Much later it began to dawn on him that the cause and effect in this chain had to be reversed. Only then would it become true. Now he needed the job above all to be close to Barbara. She was the reason for his willingness to take unannounced shifts and refuse to take another holiday.
Over the years she had become more feminine and softer, but her main principle of staying away from him remained with her. For all the closeness of minds and souls, their physical contact was kept to a minimum. He was always the initiator. Barbara had only learnt to accept it from him over time, but he could feel her body tense when his hand rested on her shoulders. For a very long time he had forbidden himself to think of her as a woman. And when he finally allowed himself to allow himself the thought of it, it was like an electric shock.
Tommy was sure he had the stamina to be a patient and unhurried lover with her. After all, he'd always had enough of that with others, but damn it, all his plans and intentions went to hell when she started responding to him. There was no thought or will left. Only desire and need. For the first time, his mind wasn't involved in everything that was happening. His feelings and instincts were driving him. He didn't think about the impression he would make, not because he didn't want to, because he couldn't. With her, his mind was shutting down. He was real, he was himself, and she didn't need anything else.