Chapter 4 - Pabu

Pabu is beautiful. Anakin stands there just enjoying the freshness of the air for a few minutes, watching as the residents come to greet the Batch – minus Tech who's on the ship still – now that they're back. It's peaceful here, giving him a certain sense of peacefulness that he hasn't felt in a long time. It feels like the first time he's been anywhere that hasn't been visibly destroyed by the war. It's a reminder of – what he thought he was fighting for, but it feels like fighting is what's destroyed all of this in the first place. But... maybe it hasn't everywhere.

"I expect you all have questions," Anakin says, approaching the Batch once the commotion is starting to settle down.

"Yeah," Wrecker agrees, right off. His chest is still bandaged but at least he's moving around again. "How'd you end up on Tantiss?"

"I didn't know you were there," Hunter agrees.

"And I thought you mentioned something about... fighting for the Empire?" Echo asks, frowning, "When you were talking to those operatives. What happened?"

Anakin's not really looking forward to explaining this, but they deserve answers. "The night everything fell apart, I was with the Chancellor. I saw the Jedi trying to assassinate him. They were planning to take over the Republic though I do not know how far along their plans actually were."

"They were?" Echo asks, shock bleeding into his voice.

"So... they were traitors?" Crosshair inquires, about the first thing Anakin's heard him say all this time. He's been unusually quiet.

"Yes. I suppose they were. But Pa – the Emperor was just using that as an opportunity to grab power for himself, the same way the Jedi were." It hardly feels right to call him Palpatine anymore. He's not the person Anakin always respected and looked up to and its loss he doesn't know how to begin facing. The one person he always went to for support is gone even though he's still alive. "I didn't see it at the time. I thought he was right."

"You stood with the Empire?" Hunter realizes. He seems a bit taken aback and uncertain but not distrustful.

Shame flickers through him, even if he's long grown accustomed to it. "I did."

"You fought the Jedi?" Echo asks, clearly still disbelieving.

He tries not to wince. "I saw them as traitors, so yes. I didn't realize the truth of what was happening until... later. I was sent after a Jedi who was hiding on Raada – I didn't realize until I got there that it was Ahsoka."

Echo's eyes widen. "She's alive? Rex told me she was but – He didn't know what happened to her after that."

"She's alright. Or at least... she was." He doesn't want to think about that yet. But he can feel the Force properly again and he doesn't sense anything having happened to her. She's still out there but he doesn't know where to look. "She wanted to kill the Emperor and eventually I agreed. It did not go well."

"So he sent you to Tantiss," Hunter realizes.

Anakin nods.

He can feel Emerie's flicker of guilt, where she's listening to the conversation off to the side. He needs to talk to her about it, later.

"And we helped rescue ya and you helped rescue us!" Wrecker concludes cheerfully.

Anakin cracks a smile. "Basically, yes."

"Whatever happened, it's... good to know you're alive, General," Echo says.

"I can tell you the same," Hunter interjects.

He nods. "I am relieved to see that you are all here and together again." They aren't alright but at least they have a chance of getting there. "And you don't need to call me General anymore. That's not really what I am."

Maybe it just doesn't fully feel like he deserves that level of... someone looking up to him.

"Can't imagine calling you anything else, sir," Echo objects.

"I always wanted to meet a Jedi," Omega pipes up eagerly, looking up at him, "I heard about them sometimes. But the only Force user I ever met was Ventress."

Hunter, Wrecker and Crosshair all tense up at the mention.

"Ventress?" he repeats incredulously, "But she's dead. Unless you mean before the war ended."

"No. It was only a couple days ago. Right before I got captured again," Omega replies.

...Witches.

He shouldn't be surprised she managed to survive. "I thought she was dead. She didn't hurt any of you, did she?"

The other three glance at each other.

"Uhh... nothing we couldn't heal from. We were just gettin' started with her," Wrecker replies in a tone that gives the impression that's not true at all. And Anakin is not at all happy about that. He knows Ventress was different the last time he saw her but that doesn't mean he liked her in the slightest. She killed so many during the war.

"But she agreed to test me to see if I had the Force or not so she wasn't all bad," Omega interjects, seemingly unconcerned.

"She may have changed from when I knew her," Anakin admits grudgingly, "But she killed countless of my men during the war. Ahsoka and I fought her many times."

"Yeah," Echo agrees darkly, "Would've liked to be here when she showed up."

Batcher runs up to Omega then, barking and licking her. The others start dispersing after that. Hunter is still lingering nearby. He doesn't seem happy about something from what Anakin can sense though he doesn't know what. All he knows is that he's changed a lot from how he used to be – he's far more serious now, less cheerful, more... closed-off.

"You've done a good job taking care of them," Anakin comments.

Hunter glances sideways at him. "Can't say it feels that way." Somehow Anakin thinks he's only saying because they don't know each other all that well.

"Why not?" he queries, slightly surprised though he knows it's a common feeling among the clone leaders, that they aren't doing enough. Rex had issues with that at the beginning, too. Anakin himself did.

"So much happened to them all after the Empire formed."

"Like... when you lost Crosshair?"

Surprise flickers through Hunter's gaze. "You know about that?"

"I looked you up right after everything fell. I was curious about what happened to you – I saw that only Crosshair was left. I assumed it was because of his chip."

"We left him behind. And then he left us. He said he believed in the Empire for a time." There's a wild flare of hurt there, even if it feels slightly more settled than Anakin would have expected. He and Crosshair have obviously talked – to a point, at least. Now, the most any of them can do is try to heal.

"And then we lost Tech and now his mind is gone," Hunter goes on, "He remembers a little but it's still not going to be the same for him. And Omega... she's safe now but we were never able to give her life she deserved to have. She's just a kid but she never really got to be one."

All fair concerns and all things that were entirely out of Hunter's hands.

"You never did either," Anakin reminds gently, "You or your brothers."

"We're soldiers," Hunter replies, as though that changes anything.

"You still should have gotten that chance. Your lives were never your own and that wasn't fair to any of you. And it might not seem like it, but it's not fair for you to expect yourselves to be able to give Omega a perfect childhood if you never had the same. Not that it isn't impressive that you wanted to try."

He nods but he still doesn't seem happy. Anakin can pick up on some of his emotions – Hunter feels like he's failed, like he's never done enough – Anakin knows those feelings very well himself.

Anakin reaches out, touching his shoulder. "You're just as important as she is. Just as important as any of your brothers are. Being a leader is hard and it comes with a responsibility no one who isn't a leader also can really understand but it doesn't have to mean not letting anyone take care of you too. You deserve to have that, even if you've never gotten it."

"They're my responsibility," Hunter replies at length, "They don't have a reason to be concerned about me. I am... fine."

"Are you?" Anakin asks honestly, "You've been through a lot and as the leader, I imagine you've taken the worst of a lot of it by trying to protect everyone." He'll have to talk to him about this more than once to actually help him. He wants to stay here and actually have the chance to help everyone. Maybe that's not so impossible. Pabu doesn't look like a bad place to raise Luke and Leia, even if he doesn't know how safe that would be. He doesn't want to put them in danger. "If you ever... want to talk about anything, I'll be willing to listen."

"...Thank you," Hunter tells him very awkwardly, "...Anakin."

That he used his name means a lot somehow. It's nice to hear that from the clones instead of a 'sir' or 'general', something that inherently divides their ranks. Though to most of Anakin's boys, he thinks those words were coming to mean something close to 'dad' or an older brother they looked up to.

"I'm impressed you were able to try raising a kid while watching over Tech and Wrecker and Crosshair, though," Anakin goes on, "Ahsoka was a handful enough and I even had Rex to help me." Though he technically had all the young shinnies to watch over too and Fives. Doesn't want to think about Fives right now and the days they just had fun together.

Hunter looks mildly amused. "What was raising Ahsoka like?"

"She was a handful," Anakin replies dryly, "But taking her as my padawan is never a choice I could regret. She never wanted to fight, though. It was hard to have to teach her to do it anyway, to keep her alive, when I knew it wasn't what she wanted." And in that regard, he had really understood it when she just wanted to leave everything after she was framed, no matter how much it hurt him.

"Omega always wanted to be a part of our squad, to be a soldier like us and I just wanted to keep her safe. To give her the life she deserved," Hunter replies.

It feels a million kinds of messed up that he's so worried about that when he's the ten-year-old here. She's older than him. "Omega deserves to have someone to take care of her. But the truth is... so do you. I know it's not what you're used to but no one should have to grow up without a parent. Or just... someone." He tries hard not to think about Obi-Wan right now. If he ever sees him again – he can't quite imagine not seeing him again. They've never been apart this long before and he misses him wildly, desperately sometimes, but the mere thought of seeing him again is terrifying – it's undoubtedly going to be as enemies and he can't face that. He doesn't know how to face that.

Hunter doesn't say anything to that. He doesn't seem sure what to say.

Anakin squeezes his shoulder a little tighter. "Now that you're on Pabu, maybe all of you will get the chance to have the lives you wanted."

"I... hope so," he replies quietly and Anakin's pretty sure he's thinking about Tech again. There's still a lightness, a hopefulness to how he replies that makes Anakin hope that maybe all of them will be able to find peace here eventually.

Hunter clearly hasn't been doing well for a long time and one conversation isn't going to magically fix that but he can hope it will help.

**w**

Going around to just enjoy the sights of Pabu is... nice. Anakin keeps expecting to close his eyes and find himself on Tantiss again, trapped in that cell with no way out.

He runs into Crosshair by accident, right as the Ithorian girl runs up to him. Then she jumps back from him with a yelp. "What happened to your hand?"

Crosshair very slowly looks down at it. "Slept on it weird. It just fell off."

Her eyes grow even wider. "That can happen?"

"Mmhmm."

She looks at him in absolute horror.

"No," Anakin interrupts, struggling to smother his own laughter, "It can't. Don't worry about it." They really don't need to traumatize this little child with horror stories about that.

"O-okay," the girl squeaks unconvincingly, shooting a pointed glance at his prosthetic, before she scampers away.

Anakin watches her go before turning back to Crosshair. He has so many questions about his hand but he knows personally what a touchy subject that can be. "Do you want me to make a prosthetic for you?" he inquires after a pause, "It took me a long time to make all the adjustments so that mine fit perfectly just like the way a normal hand did."

Crosshair hesitates.

"It won't be a problem for me," Anakin assures, in case that's what he's worried about clones don't believe in asking for things form natborns most of the time.

Crosshair's changed a lot from how he used to be. Anakin knew right off when he met the Batch that they'd already heard of him. He could feel the almost childish excitement they were radiating at getting to meet him – something so many of the shinnies showed. He and Crosshair had started talking a little about his sniping abilities and Crosshair had been much too happy to show off his rifle to him. He hadn't really asked him to look at it or anything but Anakin could feel that sort of desire for attention that he's sensed on so many of the shinnies in the past, who were also usually to shy or uncomfortable to ask for it, so he'd given it to him without thought. Anakin always found him kind of adorable anyway.

"Don't know that I need one," Crosshair replies finally.

Anakin frowns. "You – you're planning to go without?" There's some people who do that. It just caught him a bit by surprise to hear.

Crosshair half turns away, a wild flicker of guilt and pain and other unnamable emotions there. "Yes."

This has nothing to do with looking down on machine-parts the way some people do. Anakin can tell that much. It has something to do with how this happened. Maybe he should just leave it alone because he doesn't think Crosshair wants to talk about it, but it doesn't quite feel right to just drop it, either.

"You don't need to tell me," Anakin goes for finally, "But is there a reason for it?"

Crosshair's other hand clenches. "Won't be a danger to them anymore if I can't shoot."

Oh.

Oh.

That explains the guilt, the – all of it, really.

"I don't know what happened," Anakin says carefully, "Wasn't it your inhibitor chip that influenced you?"

"Doesn't matter," Crosshair not-quite-snaps, "I still did all of it. And it always felt like me."

"That is how they work, from what I... heard," Anakin points out gently, "What you did under their control is going to feel like you. Whatever you did to your brothers is something they have every right to have issues with because it did hurt them too but that doesn't mean it was all because of you. But – if you're more comfortable like this, then that is your choice to make. But if you ever change your mind, I'd be happy to... lend you a hand."

Crosshair makes a noncommittal noise, not replying but he's probably said enough. He'll let him think about it. And maybe he'll make that hand in advance anyway, just in case Crosshair ever does want to use it. He doesn't think the reassurance that he can get a hand back if he wants too should make the reasons he doesn't want one worse.

**w**

Echo is the next to come find him. "Do you have a minute, sir?" he asks.

Anakin doubts Echo would ever use his name. It would be strange if he did, honestly. "Of course."

"What are you planning to do now that this is... over?"

"I don't know," Anakin admits, "I need to find Ahsoka. I know there's more clones out there who need help and I'd like to have the chance to do it. But – I also want to raise my children." And he's lost so much time with them. They're his future and they deserve to be given a life, something only he can give them now that Padme's gone. It always guts him to the core to remember, not only the pain of her absence but the knowledge that their dreams of a future, of the life they were going to give their children, is also gone.

Echo blinks. "...Children?" He sounds so lost.

"Long story. Don't ask."

"I won't," he says, sounding mind-blown.

"What about you? You've been fighting a long time, Echo."

"I'll be heading to Pantora to help get some of the clones settled. And I need to take the evidence of what happened on Tantiss to Senator Chuchi to give to the Senate. And we need to do something with the operatives."

"I know." Anakin still doesn't know how to help them, but they need to figure something out.

"I tried a life outside of being a soldier, sir," Echo goes on, "But I... can't really imagine it."

"I understand," Anakin admits, "I can't imagine a life without fighting either but if you want to take a break, to be with your squad, you don't need to feel like you can't. At least not for a little while. I think they'd like to have you around."

"They would," Echo agrees, gaze a little distant, "I'll think about it."

**w**

"General – er, Anakin?" Wrecker asks.

"Yes?"

"Wanna help catch dinner? They uhhh need help down at the docks. When the Empire showed up, they blew up most of the fishing supplies."

He shouldn't even be surprised. But it still always hurts to see how much the Empire is hurting the individual people, when it feels like so much of this is his fault. Even if it was entirely Sidious' choice to use this to hurt people when he could have chosen to make everything better.

"Sure," Anakin agrees. It's not like he has anything else to do.

Which is how he and Wrecker end up by edge of the sea, attempting to go fishing. And that somehow leads to them both deciding to go for a swim instead.

"Think we could catch a fish like this?" Wrecker asks gleefully, splashing around in the water as he swims in a circle. How he's having no issue with it when his ribs are still broken, Anakin doesn't know.

"Not likely, with all that splashing," Anakin replies dryly. He hasn't gotten to be in water – or see anything aside from the walls of his cell, really – for ages. This is really the closest to fun he's had since... before everything fell.

"Can't you grab one with the Force or somethin'?"

"That would be considered an inappropriate use of the Force," Anakin replies, amused.

"Wha...what does that mean?" Wrecker protests, sounding hopelessly perplexed.

"You're not supposed to use it frivolously and certainly not for things that will – destroy life." Not that he's one to speak of that after how much he's done. But that's the thing – he doesn't want to keep doing what he has all along. It doesn't feel like he deserves to be able to reach the Light again, but it worked when he was healing Tech and... he doesn't know anymore.

"So you don't get to have fun with it?" Wrecker inquires, sounding hopefully confused.

Anakin laughs. "No except the times I break the rules."

Wrecker laughs too, splashing water at him. He doesn't know if it was intentional or not but he surprise-splashes him back and that somehow rapidly descends into a splashing war that has them both cackling until they definitely can't breathe, a problem made far worse by the fact that they're spending one third of the time underwater.

"Maybe we should get out of the water," Anakin suggests, swimming back for shore.

"'m fine," Wrecker insists but he still joins him, clamoring out

"You're fine with settling done?" Anakin queries, once they're back on shore, with an unfortunately very small quantity of fish considering how side-track they got.

It doesn't really surprise him considering how much they've been through but the Wrecker he knew always found fighting so much fun. He'll never forget Wrecker's absolute glee when he got to blew up that entire Separatist station back on their first mission together. His obsession with explosions was about as disturbing as it was adorable.

"Uhh... yeah," Wrecker says, some of the lightness in his expression falling just a little.

Maybe he shouldn't have asked.

They need to get back to the others soon anyway if they'll be there in time to eat.

**w**

This is the first real, proper meal Anakin's had in a very long time. It was hardly something he even thought about but he hasn't properly since before everything fell either.

Emerie is here with her brothers and sister, and she looks far more content than he's ever seen her. She's found her way home. This is where she belongs.

The others all looked more rested here than he's seen this entire time too. The sun is setting over the ocean and it's beautiful. It feels so peaceful here, despite all the destruction the island and people have been through recently. It gives him the tiniest tendril of hope, that maybe there's a chance for him to find that too – but does he really deserve to?

"So if you're a Jedi, you can the Force right?" Omega speaks up, "Can is see you use the Force?"

Anakin smiles in mild amusement. "What would you like me to do?"

"I don't know. Anything," she urges eagerly.

He can't quite say no to that childish excitement, or maybe it's that she's not the only one who's looking at him hopefully.

Fine.

Anakin flicks out a hand, levitating a bunch of the fruit on the table into the fair.

"That is so cool," Omega breathes. "I wanted to know if I had the Force but Ventress said I didn't."

Anakin studies her, lightly touching her bright Force presence with the Force. "You are close, even if I can't say for certain without an actual test," he replies, "But I think you are close enough that you could learn how to use it if you wanted too." Maybe. He's not certain.

"Really?"

"Learning to use the Force isn't simply for entertainment," he says, thinking back to what Qui-Gon had told him so many years ago, "It's a very dedicated commitment. You just got the chance to have a normal life here on Pabu. If that's really something you want, you... should think about it first."

Her face scrunches in a not-exactly-pout, but she nods.

Anakin spins the fruit around in the air for no good reason.

"Thought that was frivolously use or somehin'," Wrecker objects.

"I decided to break the rules," Anakin tells him cheerfully, "And this is fruit. It's not harassing a living thing."

"Fruit is alive," Crosshair interjects.

"Yes, but it's not entirely the same."

"They bleed when you cut them too," he snips.

"...That is true."

Why in all the stars are they arguing about this?

Anakin catches a shadow moving a short distance off, out of the corner of his eye. He sees the way Hunter goes still, turning to look in the same direction as he presumably sensed the heartbeat. The figure steps back into the shadows but not fast enough for Anakin to guess at who it is.

It's Tech.

He should not be moving around right now but the fact that he's out here watching them means that maybe he really is starting to heal. It's probably best if they leave him to come to them right now, when he's ready so Anakin tries not to stare.

Wrecker lets out an overly dramatic sigh as he keeps eating.

"What?" Hunter asks.

"I'm full," Wrecker says, "I haven't been full in a long time."

Then it sounds like this really is a good place for them to stay. He's... happy they were able to find it.

**w**

It's night now. Anakin should be sleeping but he... can't, suddenly. He can't stop thinking. It's just –

Pabu is a home for the clones. Maybe they finally have one, but he doesn't know if he can truly say it's meant to be his home. Maybe it is and he's just brooding unnecessarily about but – This isn't where his family is. Ahsoka is Force knows where and he needs to somehow find her and his children. Rex is still out there fighting and it feels wrong to leave him there alone. Padme is dead, gone, and she's never coming back. And Obi-Wan – he's not here and he never will be again, will he? Everyone is gone. His old life is gone. The war was hard, but he misses what he used to have unbearably right now, enough that when the tears blur his gaze, falling silently down his cheeks, he slips away from the others, going to find somewhere to just be alone.

He ends up finding his way to the highest tree on Pabu he can find, climbing into one of the enormous upper branches where he can stay to hide and just – exist. He can't stop the sobs shaking him now that he's here, over everything he's lost, everything that he can never truly get back, can he? He wants to be home, but he doesn't truly have one anywhere. It's a long time before he starts to calm down. The only sound now, with all the residents of Pabu sleeping in their hos, is the faint, peaceful sound of the waves washing against the shore. It only hurt worse because Obi-Wan always felt like rain, like water. And now –

The Jedi are gone too. Maybe it's for the best considering what they were becoming but it hurts as much as the fact that Palpatine as he knew him is gone forever too. He's alone here, with... no one really and he doesn't know what to do.

The tears quiet after a while and he leans back against the trunk of the tree, thoroughly worn. He closes his eyes, resting his still wet cheek against the trunk and just tries to breathe. Movement catches his ears suddenly, the faint sound of footsteps and the feel of someone moving towards him.

Not just any someone.

"Emerie?" Anakin asks, opening his eyes, looking down to see her approaching the base of the tree. He scoots to the edge of the branch, lightly dropping to the ground next to her.

She looks like she's considering saying something but then she doesn't speak, almost as though she's uncomfortable. He waits for a bit, to see if she's going to but she stays quiet, though occasionally throwing a glance at him.

"Are you settling in alright?" Anakin asks finally.

"It is... different," Emerie replies, "I have always been with Hemlock, and Nala Se before that."

"Freedom can be overwhelming," Anakin admits. He still doesn't think he knows what it means. "But you're here with your brothers. You can... figure it out together."

He senses her flicker of guilt but she nods. "I have a lot to make up for," she says, after a long pause, "I've been thinking... about going with Echo when he leaves but I do not know."

It startles him a little but maybe it shouldn't. "If that's what you want to do, then... do it," he says, "Your other brothers out there can use all the help they can get. But don't make this decision based solely on guilt. Everything you were forced to do was not your fault. And... if you want time to learn what it means to live first before you go fight, it's not wrong to have that."

Emerie doesn't reply but he knows she's thinking about.

Silence falls between them and he finds himself thinking back to Nala Se. "I don't know much about... Omega," Anakin goes on carefully, "But her relationship with Nala Se seemed different than what you told me about yourself."

Anakin instantly senses her bitterness. "Omega is different to her," she replies, "To her she is – important. Perhaps because she was a successful experiment while I was a failure. I do not know."

Anakin winces.

He truthfully can't imagine how that would make her feel but he's glad to see that doesn't seem to have made her jealous of Omega. She's just... upset at the Kaminoan, period. Very rightfully so.

He reaches out, fleetingly touching her shoulder. It's the most comfort he can offer.

"Why are you helping us?" she asks, "None of the other... None of those who are not clones I have seen are like this. You're so different from us, but you..."

He's been asked this repeatedly in the past. "I'm not as different from you as it might seem like," Anakin replies, "I – When I was a child, I was a slave. I was bought and sold between several masters. Very much like the clones."

She looks a bit surprised, a flicker of horror running through her in the Force. "I... did not realize."

"That's why I understand what it means to – to be nothing." He looks away, staring out the sea far beyond, at the peacefulness it brings. He wishes he could feel it in himself again. Wishes he felt like he deserved too.

"Anakin," Emerie starts though it sounds like she's feeling very awkward,

"Yes?"

"I... saw you leave," she says, awkwardly, "I came to see – how you are."

Anakin blinks.

She came here for him?

"I don't know," he admits, honestly, "I failed – to become what I was supposed to. I did so much – and I hurt my family. That is not something I can just change."

"I thought you... told me that that I want to try is enough."

"For you, yes, but I..."

"Why would that be different for you?"

He sighs. "I could have done more. I – I'm supposed to – " He would say, be the Chosen One, but she wouldn't understand what that means. "- be better than this," he finishes.

"What you said to me should apply to you as well," she insists though she is clearly feeling very awkward about the whole thing.

It's more touching than he can ever say that she came out here for him when she had no reason to. They hardly even know each other, really. "Thank you," Anakin tells her softly, "For coming." At the very least, he doesn't want to be alone right now.

Emerie just nods.

He reaches out, taking her hand, though loosely enough that she can pull away if she wants to.

She seems a little confused but she doesn't pull away, and they just... stand there together.

She is the first one who gave him hope after Ahsoka, that he could ever be something again. Being able to help her, meeting the Batch again, and being able to help all the other clones on Tantiss gave him something he never thought he would have again. Maybe Emerie isn't wrong in what she's saying either. Maybe... there is still hope for him. The least he can do is try. He never gives up. He can't give up – and he's not going to now either.

He'll find a way. His mother's words echo through his mind again, everything he told Emerie back in the prison cell.

He's let fear control him for far too long. He is the sun dragon and he is free.

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