An Assassin's Adventure: The Great Conjunction

by GenkaiZero

As the tournament of power draws to a close, Universe 6 is obliterated. Unexpectedly, Hit, the legendary assassin, is pardoned and given a second chance at life. His soul is whisked away and sent to a completely new fantastical realm. Follow Hit as he explores the world of Danmachi and charts his own path amongst frivolous gods, calamitous monsters, and unexpected fellowships.

60. Chapter 60: Cosmic Madness (Part 1)

Cosmic Madness (Part 1)

---

I absolutely adored the Deadpool & Wolverine movie and this idea sprung into my head. I suggest that you perhaps don't read this if you dislike marvel/Deadpool. Non canon silly chapter I made for fun and will likely delete or put somewhere else. Most will probably dislike it, but I found it fun to write.

Takes place after Hit defeats Goliath but returns at night, as he manages to find his backpack. Unfortunately for him, someone incredibly annoying gets in his way, ultimately leading to a cosmic disagreement. Images on Wattpad version.

*GRRRROOOOARRR!*

Defiled monsters roared and screamed. Two-headed Minotaurs bleated; six-eyed hellhounds howled; twin-tailed Hard Armoured armadillos hissed... A stampede of pus-encrusted creatures raced from an immense plaza's periphery and drew inwardly, all aiming for a pair of individuals at its centre.

At the room's heart, two men stood in a one-sided embrace. One was an amethyst-haired adventurer, garbed in lavender clothes. Muscles screamed from beneath his tight vestments, coiling like a wound spring. The man stood in a slight crouch, holding a blushing companion in a loose bridal pose. Crimsoneyes burned as the stern man glared down at the oddly dressed stranger in his arms, with one eyebrow furrowing in confusion.

Below, his partner stared upwards, longingly. He was dressed in a red-leather, full-body suit, bordered by black accents and shoulder pads. His agape face was hidden by a similarly designed mask, eyes surrounded by two large black leather decorations. The widened orbs themselves were covered by white slits, which shone in the red light reflecting from above. Twin katanas were stowed within black scabbards, jingling in the tumultuous whirlwinds. One of the mercenary's arms rose and wound itself around his saviour's rear, whilst the other circled his chest, invitingly.

*RRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAARRRRR*

The room shook under an immense roar. A fountain of blood and pus rained from above, originating from a zombified Black Wyvern. The dragon screeched as it circled its prey below, shivering with a hungered snarl.

The jumpsuit clad man tightened his inappropriate embrace, drawing puckered lips up to the other's cringing face as if expecting a loving kiss.

Closer.

Closer.

Nearly there!

"Enough! CUT, CUT! STOP!"

Roaring dragons; stampeding beasts; and embracing 'lovers' froze in place and time stopped entirely.

"Alright! That's enough of that! God, spoiled right at the start of the chapter! Love stories are supposed to build up! ...Because that's what this is: another love story... Huff... Let's take a breather, everyone... Feel free to get refreshments."

"You obviously know who that lavender haired hunk is, but the slower ones among you are probably wondering who the handsome devil in red is... The smart ones already have their special sock at the ready..."

"Well, to make everyone happy, let me take you back to my explosive entry here, and I'm not talking about my visit to Hugh's last night. Oh, and spoilers for my threequel since the author's lazy. We begin our romantic escapade with a slightly turbulent flight through space..."

---

Mother-FUCKER!" Deadpool slammed his fist against a spaceship's steering column and swung it around. Galaxies flew and nebulas sparkled in an undulating tunnel of bent spacetime as a blue and orange monoplane spun and blasted down. The Milano darted and rolled between asteroids and debris, under the command of a far less experienced pilot than usual.

"First, I lose the highest stakes dance battle of my life, and then a fucking racoon hacks my teleporter! What the hell was Wolverine doing locked up with those thundercunts and why was he a talking tree!? SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!"

*BOOM*

An asteroid barely missed the Milano's right wing and collided with the spacetime barrier containing this subdimension. Deadpool bent back, using his feet to steer the heavily damaged ship, and retrieved a black and red rectangular object. He tapped the screen repeatedly, like a petulant child upset at losing a game. "Where the hell am I and WHY IS PARADOX'S AMAZON FIRE TABLET NOT WORKING!?" Rocks and chippings glittered in the cockpit window as the ship somehow missed every obstacle.

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*

A blaring siren activated to Deadpool's right. Darting a ringing head to its source, he could see that it shone over a small red button. "Hello... What have we here?"

A note was printed below the button, informing anyone to never, under any circumstances, press it.

---

Rocket's auto extra-dimensional escape switch.

WORK IN PROGRESS.

DO NOT TOUCH UNLESS YOU WANT TO END UP IN THE MIDDLE OF BUTTFUCK NOWHERE!

THAT MEANS YOU, QUILL!

---

Deadpool rose a finger and waved it around, enjoying his small victory over the equally foul-mouthed mammal. "Maximum effort..." The finger descended and pressed the button.

*BEEP*

*SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*

Stars and debris lengthened infinitely. Deadpool shot out of the pilot's seat and crashed into a porthole. Gravitational lensing blurred his senses, and a loud crash robbed his consciousness.

---

"Wolverine!" Near darkness and twinkling stardust greeted Deadpool upon his startled awakening, although, a specific body part had been twitching for quite some time prior. He darted up and shook his head back and forth, trying to rejog his senses. "FUCK! I was just about to get to the good stuff! Huff... Where am I, and where's my ship?"

Looking around, cramped tunnels and twinkling stones shone back at Deadpool's white eye coverings. The ground was made up of reddish gravel, which crumbled noisily underfoot. No ambient sounds could be heard, making the scene seem quite lifeless. "Is this purgatory? About time, I guess... Well, let's see if this thing is still kicking." Deadpool stuck a gloved hand in his trousers and retrieved the broken transporter he had been holding onto previously, looking quite pleased as he fumbled it around his nether regions. "Well, you're a good vibrator, I'll give you that." Beeps and buzzes emitted from the device as it powered on, agonisingly slowly, and showed a blinking blue dot.

A bar rotated around this point and gradually revealed the surrounding topography and tunnel network. "Now we're talking! But what about those prick's ship?" After modifying a few sensor settings, a signal appeared, indicating that advanced technology was nearby. Unfortunately, the location was not specific at all: an immense cloud was the only clue for the ship's location, which could extend for eternity, for all Deadpool knew.

"Fan-fucking-tastic... Well, at least I know it's somewhere in this direction..." He put one foot forward and sauntered along the beaten path. "I'm coming for you, wolfy."

---

Several miles away, another individual was also waking up from an impromptu slumber. They twitched in a crater and groaned, pushing themselves up with a shaky arm.

He was a man; a burly individual wearing a lavender shirt and trousers. A tattered, handmade backpack lay strapped to him, jingling in its owner's twitching. Purple hair billowed and shimmered as he shook his head back and forth, and crimson eyes blared in angered confusion. This was Hit, the newest adventurer of the Loki Familia who had taken part in the battle of Rivira mere hours ago. After a night of merriment and drinking, he had decided to skip morning greetings, and slunk his way up from the eighteenth floor after finding his backpack in a stroke of luck. Unfortunately, the ground had collapsed on his ascent, leaving him freefalling through space. Outer space.

As he fell through the shimmering cosmic tunnel, waves of immense power collided against him, suggesting that something was moving incredibly rapidly through dimensions. Hit coughed and blinked his reddened eyes. 'Ugh... That was no natural earthquake. Was that outer space? Were those gravitational waves? How can that possibly be!? Thankfully, it was only for a heartbeat... Although... Don't tell me that I have been transported to another world!?'

Hit narrowed his eyes and thought back to the hurtling 'bird' he had seen powering through the expanse: a metallic object robed in blinding plasma and molten debris.

'That object had a specialised structure and a programmed trajectory... It... appeared to be a space craft of some description... Could I have been drawn into its warp travel dimension? No, the likelihood of that occurring is beyond impossible... Also...'

Hit blinked at the familiar, yet unsettling walls around him of the 'dungeon'. He could not place his finger on it, but the sights sent a feeling of dread down his spine. 'This feels off... Fake... Something's definitely wrong with this place...' Hit strained his hearing, but heard absolutely nothing, not even the rumblings of monster births. 'Huff... I will learn nothing by remaining here. If I'm to find my way back, I must make my move now.' Hit stuck his hands in his pockets and marched along, soundlessly.

---

The air thickened and its reddish hue deepened during Hit's march. Tunnel after tunnel was explored, yet no clues surfaced to which floor he was on. Oddly, there was no incline on his journey, suggesting that he was traipsing along an immense flat plain filled with caves and crevices. Thirty minutes became an hour during Hit's aimless walk, his feelings of unease growing steadily due to the lack of any monsters.

Just as Hit was about to begin bursting through walls, he spotted a bright light at the end of one serpentine tunnel. A cool breeze wafted in from its opening and soothed his burning irritation.

Stepping past the tunnel's exit, Hit was faced with a large plaza. Bright magic stones cast a bluish tinge to its interior and finally added a background hum to the eerie silence. Including Hit's entryway, three tunnels extended from the room... with two being occupied...

"Hm...?" Hit hummed in confusion at a distant sight. A figure was standing at the opposite side of the room, emerging from a similarly serpentine tunnel. They responded to Hit's stare by swivelling their head to the side, narrowing their eyes back at him. The faraway being was a humanoid creature wearing a red and black jumpsuit. Two sword grips extended from behind their back and a leather belt wrapped around their waist.

Hit's crimson eyes, and the stranger's white slits, met momentarily before both individuals shook on their feet.

*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/

Rocks clattered and fires burned. Deep crevices opened in the plaza's borders and roared with unlife.

*GRRRROOOOOOOOOAAAAARR!*

*SCREEEEEEEEEEEE*

*RRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII*

Distorted monster cries shook the air in their malevolence. Hit furrowed his brows at the odd sights and sounds: a far cry from his usual opponents in these depths.

*GRAAAAAOOAAAAARR!*

Mutated creatures writhed from their wombs and cried in hate at their surroundings. Twin headed Minotaurs, conjoined hard Armoureds, eight limbed Ligerfangs... Nightmarish fiends rose from the dead and walked the Earth. Blood and pus seeped from the twisted, mangled creatures that should never have been birthed in this faux reality, coating the gravel below in slimy residue.

Hit remained resolute and instantly set about analysing his opponents' new eccentricities, instantly falling into his serious stance.

Off to the side, the jumpsuit garbed stranger recoiled and retched, withdrawing two dark objects from his belt. "Oh, God what are those things!? It's like looking into a mirror, but with fewer STDs!"

Hit barely fumbled in his poise at the odd observation and rocketed into a sprint, directly at a mangled Minotaur.

The creature roared and swung a decaying fist around, although the enfeebled creature merely swung itself into a dizzying spin. Hit capitalised on the error and blitzed towards the animal's rotating front.

**BAM**

The assassin's powerful straight right extended and collided with the beast's midsection, causing the sternum to collapse inwardly and pulverise the rotten organs within. It appeared that these creatures were incredibly fragile and putrid on the inside. 'Weak, but still a danger.' Hit quickly activated Time Skip, avoiding a waterfall of pus and viscera, and raced to his next opponent.

*BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*

Harsh bangs and whizzes split the air and rose above the bleatings of agony. Heads burst into paste and arms flew into the air as the red stranger also blitzed through his opponents, using far more advanced weaponry.

Dual Desert Eagle Mark XIX pistols shone and blared, singing their deadly melody. "Well, whatever you are, you're not very strong... Just ugly. Sorry, I can't relate to either issue."

*BANG*

*WHINE*

A roaring hellhound whined and collapsed into a heap. Its cranium split and fractured apart, defiled by a bullet's incursion.

"Bad dog." *Fuuuu* Deadpool blew on his pistol's smoky emissions and span the weapons into their holsters. He was not willing to waste any more precious ammunition on such weak enemies.

**BAM**

**BAM**

**BAM**

Deafening booms resounded from behind. Deadpool whirred around to spectate his temporary teammate, who was steadily accruing a mountain of fetid, broken corpses.

The stranger was a perpetually sprinting pink blur, bounding from enemy to enemy at breakneck speeds and delivering single, deadly blows. The purple-haired man was a tad shorter than Deadpool's 6 foot 2, although his honed body was far more intimidating. Muscles stretched and bulged under their tight lavender clothing, and shadows danced across the stranger's stern, rugged face.

"Phew, look at him go..." Deadpool shivered, and he lifted his arms to hug himself. "I'm getting goosebumps. Is he super-fast or am I having a lust-at first sight moment?"

*RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!*

"Uh, oh" Deadpool blinked once and the world rotated. A hard, bony mass slammed into the mercenary's side and sent him rocketing upwards and towards the pink blur ahead.

*WOOOSHHH*

Wind swept through Deadpool's intricate suit, and he received a bird's eye view of the immense plaza below. Shadowy monsters fumbled and trudged across its surface, all aiming for the speedy being at its centre.

Time dilated for Deadpool during his rise and fall, which was quickly noticed by the pink-haired stranger below.

Indecision swept across the untrusting man's face for a moment before he clicked his tongue and raced towards Deadpool's direction, arms spread wide.

*THUMP*

Deadpool gasped in shock. Rather than the anticipated cruel, rocky soil, he fell upon a warm embrace. The mercenary rose his head and stared upwards, directly into the eyes of his saviour: the most splendid sight he had ever seen.

*BUMP* *BUMP*

Hearts lit up in Deadpool's eyes and he cocked his head to the side, resting it against the purple-haired stranger's strapping chest. He rose a finger and traced its edge along the muscular front's surface, looking up into the owner's vermillion eyes with deep desire. Deadpool's other arm rose and wound itself around his saviour's rear, appreciating its firmness, and tensed. Rising himself up slightly, the deranged mercenary's mask tightened, and his eyes shut in a rare show of bashfulness prior to the anticipatory kiss.

Unlike Deadpool's dream-like expression, Hit glared at the person he had just saved with profound confusion and rising revulsion. 'What in the world is happening right now? Did the trauma inflict him with brain damage?'

*RRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAARRRR!*

Hit darted his eyes up, making sure to keep an eye on his perverted cargo, and gasped at what he saw. An immense, onyx-green draconic creature circled the skies above and spewed fountains of blood, pus, and innards from every orifice. Powerful wings beat, propelling the sneering creature along, and birthed catastrophic whirlwinds. Fetid fluid rained down from this storm and enmeshed itself with the corpses below, forming a foul monster 'soup'.

'A Wyvern? No, the scales should be a light pink... Is it an irregular? Perhaps, perhaps not. The monster appears to be 'undead' or diseased, but that is impossible... It is as if they have been corrupted somehow... How can these inanimate golems be conjured in this state? Regardless, I cannot allow myself to come into contact with even a drop of their ichor.' Hit turned his gaze back down to his captive, grimacing at the kiss that steadily approached his strained lips. 'Alright, that's close enough.'

*THUMP*

Hit released his grasp on the strange man and allowed his body to crumple onto the ground with a loud thud. The red warrior spluttered and groaned, broken from his vulnerable trance. "Oof... Why does this keep happening to me?"

*GRRRAAAAAA!*

A ring of monsters bellowed around the two men. The creatures formed a rabid, frothing circle and all pounced as one.

*****BOOM*****

Deadpool jumped in shock as the ring of monsters burst into smoke. Somehow, the creatures had been pulverised out of existence before Deadpool could even process his lover's rejection. It was as if a force had incapacitated them simultaneously.

Fumbling into a sitting position, Deadpool locked eyes with his saviour once more. The intimidating man now stood confidently at the ring's centre, frowning in an indecipherable emotion.

Unfortunately, reinforcement quickly replaced the felled monsters and bounded back into position. Their green, pulsing eyes glared at the purple-haired man, hungrily.

*BAM*

*BAM*

*BAM*

*BAM*

Deadpool marvelled at the stranger's beautiful martial arts and perfectly choreographed strikes. The deformed monsters burst into green paste at every zooming strike, which was quickly followed by an imperceptibly fast withdrawal by their executioner.

Deadpool had to admit, this stranger was leagues above him in terms of pure combat skill, although he fell a little short in terms of looks. Deadpool shot up and guffawed at the marvellous stranger, nodding in appreciation. "Fuck me, you're GOOD! No weapons; just raw pounding! I'm jealous of your wife!"

ゴゴゴゴ"Shut up and fight." ゴゴゴゴ

A voice harsher, and more menacing, than any other caressed Deadpool's ears and sent shivers cascading down his entire body. "God, that voice! I can only get so erect!" Leather squealed as Deadpool rose his arms behind his back and grasped the treasures strapped within.

*SHWING*

Twin adamantium Katanas sang as they were freed from their prisons, ecstatic to be of use once more.

*SHWING*

*SHWING*

*SHWING*

Silvery blades swung and sliced through hordes of unworthy monsters, casting infected viscera careening all around them. Greyish metal shone in lime greens and rosy reds, creating a whirlwind of infected residuals.

The two warriors danced across their central 'fortification', decimating tens of demented beings in mere seconds during their waltz.

Above, the Black Wyvern snarled and roared. Twin wings beat and swivelled downwards, forcing the titanic creature to hover in place. Dust and debris shot upwards as the creature inhaled deeply, preparing for a powerful breath attack. A spheroidal inferno roared into life at the creature's core, bathing everything below in scorching heat.

Hit and Deadpool stopped in their tracks and looked up in either shock or dread.

Faced with the imminent fireball that would rain down like divine judgment, Deadpool dashed away, while Hit remained in place, arms crossed. His clothes billowed and danced in the shockwaves, eager to follow the cowardly mercenary, yet their bearer remained steadfast.

"Hm..." After a heartbeat of contemplation, the genius smirked and skipped time to stand in front of the fleeing mercenary, grasping his leather suit by the front.

"Oh, fuck yes da-" Before Deadpool could finish his lustful declaration, he was flung into the air, heading for a near-collision course with the room's ceiling.

Below, Hit grasped an approaching Minotaur and flung it towards the roaring Black Wyvern, yet the trajectory seemed far too shallow to strike it.

*SCREE*

A high-pitched scream signalled the imminent release of scorching plasma, acting as the trigger to Hit's plan. The adventurer raced ahead and weaved between time, space, and leaping enemies.

*Shing*

Hit jumped onto the flying Minotaur's back and propelled himself up, above the circling dragon's head, and held his hands in a strong grip. "HRAAA!" He then slammed the powerful sledgehammer attack against the dragon's upper jaw and time flowed once more.

*CLACK*

The wyvern's eyes bulged, and its jaw clacked shut.

*Shing*

*BAM*

*BAM*

*BAM*

Three jabs slammed into the Wyvern's two wings and spine, with the final pummel splintering Hit back to reality.

The Wyvern's eyes widened, and its stomach bulged. Broken wings shredded and twisted in futile desperation. The creature's rotten body plummeted down to Earth, fire screeching from within. Rocky soil cratered on the monster's landing and instantly melted into scorching liquid.

*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!*

Like an atomic bomb, the breath attack reached its critical mass and detonated prematurely. Bright, blazing light erupted from the wyvern's epicentre and expanded into a booming supernova explosion, covering the entire room's floor. Undead monsters screeched their final farewells as they became engulfed in this wave of energy and vaporised into smoke, leaving behind nothing but scorched earth...

"...TCH... GRR..."

"WOOHOO!"

Above, the two men were slammed against the room's ceiling and either groaned or cheered from their craters. Scorching whirlwinds and rubble rolled over their strained bodies until the shockwaves and aftershocks finally petered out...

'Finally...' Hit glanced at his right and frowned at the jubilant, red fool who flopped down from his roost like a ragdoll. 'Dammit. This idiot has no survival instincts whatsoever.' Hit twisted and pushed himself down, rocketed to Earth, then blitzed below the falling stranger.

*THUMP*

Hit sighed and grimaced upon catching the idiot, holding him in a far more removed manner than he did previously.

Unfortunately, this did not stop the fool from snuggling into his arm and purring in delight. "Ahhhhh... Back where I belong..."

**THUMP**

Hit released, or rather, threw his cargo down and skidded back a few feet, eyes darting around in a quick analytical dash. Up close, Hit could now see that the peculiar warrior wielded two pistols: weapons that were far beyond his new world's capabilities. 'Those objects at his waist are primitive ballistic weapons! This world is likely capable of creating the simplest of fireworks, but nothing as complex as those handguns. Could this individual originate from another world as well? Hm. I cannot sense any Ki from him so I cannot be certain... Is he the reason that I'm stuck in this sinister pit? Was that potential craft his?'

The stranger did not react negatively to this rude treatment and got up merrily, dusting himself down without a care in the world. "Whoopsie daisy! Sorry you got caught up in my dimension hop, handsome! Still, you were amazing back there!"

Hit frowned and glared at the stranger, pelting him in cold resentment. "This entire debacle is YOUR doing? Explain yourself, if you have any desire to continue living."

The red stranger waggled his hand at Hit, treating the deadly threat like a light critique. "Well, aren't you grumpy! You know, you remind me of a spiky frenemy, part-time bum buddy of mine... Especially that ass... How rock hard are those abs, big guy? Do you shave your-"

Hit dashed behind the rambling man and affixed his neck in a vice-like grip, raising him into the air slightly. "Enough. If you have any information regarding this space, then spit it out."

"H-Harder p-please. A-And I only s-swallow."

The grasp tightened and Hit's deep voice slithered into Deadpool's ear. "Explain why I am here and why I should not eviscerate you for this."

Deadpool shot his arms up and spoke in a far more plausible, pleading tone. "Look, s-some shitbags hacked my ship and sent if off c-course because they were jealous of my dashing good looks, and a smidge pissed off that I borrowed their talking tree!" *COUGH* "I'm completely innocent here! It's not my fault, but I'm still super sorry you got involved! We j-just..." The desperate man's head rolled back, eyes shuddering open and closed in apparent pleasure. "F-Fuck you're good at this" *COUGH* "W-We just need to get to the t-transporter thingy in my ship, and use it to get back to a stable l-later of reality. It's in that direction, trust me! I know exactly where it's crashed! After that, I can drop you off safely and I can go on my merry way!" *Cough* The man stuck a finger towards the third exit of the room, the only entryway that had been unoccupied initially.

Hit threw the pervert onto the ground and turned to investigate the path leading to the supposed exit, mulling over the strange man's words in his mind. 'Hm... That craft was likely his. There must have been an error in its propulsion system: either as a result of supposed hacking or his own folly, likely both. Or... this is all meaningless drivel to waste my time. Tch... I cannot tell whether he is lying: a first for me. He likely uses crude language and multiple personalities to imbalance and distract his opponents. Not a bad strategy... Although, the mention of a ship and unstable layer of reality matches events that I have witnessed first-hand...'

Deadpool instantly got up from his rough slump and skipped up behind Hit. "Now, THAT was a good first impression in my books, doll face. And in case you're wondering: YES. We're teaming up, and no, I did not bring condoms. We're doing this raw!"

"Vulgar creature..." Harsh clacks and taps sounded out as Hit poked and prodded at a stolen tactile device, pressing its buttons and screen to no avail.

Curious, Deadpool peeked over his newest acquaintance's shoulder and gasped at what he saw. The affronted man looked down at his trousers and noticed that a certain bulge was far less prominent than it was previously! He furrowed his brows and pointed a wrathful finger at the thief's thief. "Hey! You have permission to fondle my body, but that's my property, shit face!"

"Whatever this interface device is, it's broken..." Hit huffed in disappointment and let his grasp on the device falter, allowing the tablet to swivel to the side.

"Wait, really!?" Deadpool forgot his anger and sidled up to Hit, sticking his nose against the device's screen.

*BEEP*

Deadpool cheered triumphantly and took his tablet back, tapping buttons at random. "HAH! It's not completely broken, moron. See! This baby can teleport you to any reality and map out any location! ...At least before that racoon messed it up... Oh! It can even read energy signatures! Wait, what?" Deadpool seemed to become perplexed and looked up and down from the teleporter, gazing at Hit and his map screen in puzzlement. "Huh... You must be so fundamentally different from me and my universe that it can't detect your input... You should be dead right now..." Deadpool ignored Hit's personal space and shoved the brick into his face. "See, there's no life sign! Are you the ghost of Christmas past or something?"

Hit grimaced and ruffled his nose in disgust. "Tch. It seems that you have some usefulness... Unfortunately."

"You got that right! And we are definitely teaming up for this mission! Deadpool and..." Deadpool directed a palm to Hit, waiting for his saviour's cue.

Hit glared at Deadpool for a moment but allowed the name to slink out. "...Hit. And we are not 'teaming up'. I will accompany you to your exit, nothing more. This is your fault, and you will compensate me for wasting my time."

"Oh, we're going much deeper than my exit, peanut, and my mouth should serve as excellent compensation. I'll finish you off in no time flat!"

Hit ground his teeth in disgust and shoved his hands away, turning to march towards the third exit.

---

*Click*

*Clack*

*Crackle*

Pebbles and rocks skittered and rolled across the ground, kicked by a very bored mercenary. Deadpool danced and skipped as he made his way down the tunnel that supposedly led to his borrowed ship, fiddling with every interesting sight he came across.

Deadpool's newest frenemy, Hit, marched at his side, looking incredibly grumpy to be on this adventure. The man was quiet, the quietest individual that Deadpool had ever met. His dark boots barely alighted upon parched soil and emitted absolutely no sound as he walked, signifying decades of diligent effort and absolute mastery of stealth.

Interestingly, Hit's eyes were incredibly focused. The orbs did not move; not in any discernible way... Conversely, Deadpool was absolutely certain that Hit was sending glances at his suit and advanced weaponry... The lack of any movement at all was just as damning to Deadpool, suggesting that this Hit person had some way of concealing his movements. The speedy martial artist's combat style was another piece of evidence. Deadpool was still not completely sure whether it was teleportation or specialised movement designed to trick the human brain.

*BUZZ*

A twinkling stone buzzed angrily as Deadpool plucked it from its resting place. He glanced it over before flicking it towards Hit, who caught it with ease.

The two men halted and Deadpool placed his hands on his hips, speaking in an accusatory tone. "I can tell that you're staring, you know? Come on, don't be shy... I can take the suit off if you're that desperate to get in my pants. Fair warning, they're a tad moist at the moment."

Hit finally swivelled his eyes towards Deadpool and crushed the magic stone between finger and thumb. After a moment of glaring, he swivelled back ahead and went back to his marching. "You must be hallucinating."

Deadpool shot his hands in the air and shouted in indignation. "HALLUCINATING!? Seriously? That's your best excuse!? Do you realise how demeaning it is to be treated like a piece of meat!?"

Hit continued to march onwards, widening the distance between them. "I do not need an excuse for the truth, nor do I care about your obvious charade."

Deadpool crossed his arms and sauntered back to Hit's side, huffing disappointedly. "Okay, whatever! Let's just pretend you weren't eyeing my gorgeous body up and down and open the floor up for questions. Go on, ask away, pervert!

"Hmph... Why is your uniform red? Such a colour is overly conspicuous. It is unbecoming for someone of your profession."

"It's so bad guys can't see me bleed, obviously! And as for you..." Deadpool leapt in front of Hit and ran a finger down his chest. "I think I can guess why you're wearing this lovely pink getup, gorgeous!" He leaned into Hit's ear and whispered, harshly. "I'm so happy for you!"

Hit skipped time and positioned himself beyond his annoying companion. "A professional does not allow themselves to bleed."

Deadpool gasped and ran ahead, finally certain of Hit's unusual ability. "So that really is your superpower! Wasn't expecting that... You seem like a brawler type with that husky body of yours... Teleportation's more of a running away from your problems kinda shtick... Hm... You got a special someone, peanut? A backup dancer to go along with that party trick?"

"No."

"Come on, not even a crush?"

"None."

A little side fuck buddy, pen pal? Smashturbation compadre? Orgasmo amigo? Rimming roommate?

Hit ground his teeth and hastened his pace. "...NO..."

Deadpool scratched his head and looked up in confusion. "Huh... What are you, a eunuch? Nah, your voice is way too sexy. I bet all the ladies just dump buckets whenever you so much as say 'I'm here to file my tax return!'"

Just as Hit's anger was about to overflow, he exited the narrow tunnel and reached yet another large plaza. Its barren appearance reminded him of the 10th floor of the dungeon. Ashen-white dust caked the Earth and tree-like landform weapons sprouted from the infertile soil. "Huff... New rule. No talking until we reach the exit."

"I dunno... That won't go over well with the readers... And new rule? What are the other ones? No double fisting? Socks on or off? Do you have any safe words, pinkie? I suggest 'Fuck me harder Deadpool'."

Hit gaped at the insane drivel he was unwillingly subjected to and shook his head in bafflement. "What the hell are you talk-"

*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/

*ZZZ* *ZZZ* *ZZZ* *ZZZ* *ZZZ* *ZZZ*

The walls shook and ceiling stalactites cracked. Tens of translucent orange doorways opened from nowhere and populated the room in an alien glow.

Armour clad soldiers marched in from behind the dimensional holes, appearing incredibly reluctant and nervous in their ingress. The troop brandished black batons tipped with orange sparkling elements, complementing their black and orange body armour nicely.

"Oh, not these guys again..." Deadpool slumped and spoke in a bored, uninterested tone, still fiddling with rocks and magic stones he found on the ground.

Hit shook his head at the breakneck nonsense and glared at Deadpool for answers to an ocean of burning questions. "What is this? Who are they? What-"

"WADE WILSON! RETURN WHAT YOU HAVE STOLEN AND COMPLY WITH YOUR UNIVERSE'S ELIMINATION! YOU ARE TRAPPED IN THIS COLLAPSING REALM AND HAVE NO WAY OUT!" A powerful voice boomed from the frontmost guard, who swung his baton onto the ground with a harsh crack of electricity.

Deadpool flung his stone down and shouted back in petulant triumph. "YEAH, THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID AT FOX, BUT DISNEY CAME ALONG AND BOUGHT THOSE DICK MUNCHERS! THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE WITH A BIGGER COCK, ASSHOLE! I'M NEVER GOING DOWN!" He then turned to face Hit and spoke in a sickly-sweet tone. "You're my Disney this time, sweetums, and I'm your filthy little cum slut. That one eyed monster you've got down there is our ticket out of-"

ゴゴゴゴ "Either you shut the rancid hole you call a mouth, right now, and tell me what the hell is going on, or I serve your limbless body up to these soldiers on a silver platter." ゴゴゴゴHit drew himself to his tallest height and glowered at Deadpool, speaking in a voice that promised murder.

Deadpool darted his head between Hit and the guards, looking impatient and unenthused. "Huff... Okay, okay, short lore dump! They're heartless pricks who purge universes just 'cause they'll die in a few thousand years. Mine was next on their shit list and I wanted to save it. They're assholes; I'm not!"

"HRK..." Blood dripped from Hit's palms as he dug his nails into them, unable to discern lies nor truths. Blood vessels pulsed and bulged as he glared at the ground and grinded his teeth. "Gods... DAMMIT ALL... What in Zeno's name did I do to deserve ANY of this torture!?"

Deadpool patted Hit on the shoulder, taking advantage of his gloomy depression. "Blame the author's hyper fixation, buddy. Come on, let's just beat these guys up and get some chimichangas afterwards. You guys have Mexicans over here?"

Hit spoke through clenched teeth and blurred into his serious stance, nearly clipping Deadpool's right eye with a knife hand. "We are going to have a TALK once this is over with, vermin."

Deadpool nodded and withdrew his dual pistols, twirling them into position. "Right, pillow talk after the fun stuff. Makes sense. Oh, and don't get zapped by those horse dildos they're carrying. Pretty sure they turn you into my hopes and dreams: you vanish into smoke."

"Funny. That happens to be my wish for you at this very moment. HRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Hit's austere mien furrowed and creased into the most rage-filled grimace he had ever sported.

*Shing*

He blurred directly in front of the nearest soldier and plunged his dagger palm into their abdomen.

*SLOSH*

The palm tightened and pulled back, pulling the man's spine through his chest and body armour in a fountain of blood.

*Shing*

*SPLASH*

Hit's bloodied fist plunged into the next guard's head and burst his cranium, sending grey matter flying in all directions.

*Shing*

*BAM*

*BAM*

*BAM*

*BAM*

Before the first two enemy's lifeless corpses even struck the ground, another soldier burst into a puddle of blood, somehow pulverised into paste by an instantaneous volley of blows.

Deadpool's eyes widened into moon-like saucers, and he giggled at the storm of blood that ruthlessly slaughtered dozens of TVA pawns. "Now we're talking, best buddy! DO YOU IDIOTS REALISE HOW FUCKED YOU ARE RIGHT NOW!?"

*BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*

Twin pistols flashed and fired at the crowd of horrified minions, who were now reduced to mere lambs for slaughter.

The bloodied, pink blur that was Hit zipped and dodged between the whizzing bullets, pausing to look at Deadpool at each trigger pull. He meandered between the whizzing projectiles and positioned himself behind a line of armoured foes, pulling his fist back with a sinister glower.

*Shing*

*BAAAAMM*

The punch instantly zoomed into the closest man's cranium and released a scintillating ray of purple light. The shimmering energy shockwave reverberated across the line of soldiers and pulverised their heads into visceral explosions in a gruesome 'domino effect'.

*SQUELCH*

Minutes of carnage passed by in a dizzying tapestry of bloodied ribbons, unseen atrocities, and blinding muzzle flashes.

.

..

...

Just as the flow of minions finally petered out, one last warrior stepped out of a particularly large portal. He was shirtless, rippling with glistening muscles, and stood at over eight feet tall. An immense, long-barrelled cannon sat in his arms and was directed at the degenerate red filth who dared to anger his organisation. Based on the weapon's glowing lights and humming reactor, it was energy-based.

*BZZZZZZZ*

Deadpool was not intimidated by the threat and drew his katanas with a razor's flash. "Finally sending out the big guns, huh? Well do your worst, flaccid Colossus! Deadpool X Hit is unstoppa-"

*ZZZZZOOOOMM*

A blue laser shot out of the weapon and cut a clean line across reality. The energy blast sliced through Deadpool's abdomen and innards, and the bisected man fell to pieces.

*THUMP*

"OH, GOD! I-I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS! I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS! "Deadpool's upper body convulsed in agony and reached around itself, trying to find something to ease the pain. Instead, it settled on his separated lower half. "Oh wait... No, there they are! False alarm, guys!"

Hit stared at the twitching body halves in slight pity and schadenfreude. 'Even in your death throes do you continue with this pointlessness... I suppose you truly were insane.' He huffed and slashed a palm down, dowsing the soil in blood.

*BZZZZZZZ*

The giant's azure beam was now directed towards Hit, flickering with specks of electrified plasma. "ACCOMPLICES WILL BE ELIMINATED! THE SACRED TIMELINE MUST BE PROTECTED!"

Hit stuck his fists away and stared at the energy cannon as if it was a child's plaything.

*ZZZZZOOOOMM*

The blast cut across reality once more yet failed to meet bubbling flesh as its target vanished.

*Shing*

The armoured soldier blinked in confusion as he was faced with Hit. The suicidal man had 'teleported' directly in front of the humming laser cannon's barrel and glared up with a professional frown. "Stop wasting time and do your job."

The man snarled and pulled the trigger.

*Shing* *Crackle*

Hit's rosy body bathed in snow-white flakes as he drew himself and the enemy's energy cannon into the Tides of Time. He immediately grasped the cannon's barrel, twisting it upwards and around.

*ZZZZZOOOOMM*

Returning to reality, the laser beam rocketed up the bent barrel and shot directly at its wielder's shocked face.

*SPLOSH*

Azure plasma burned and grilled the man's head until nothing but ash remained. The titan swayed and fell to earth, finally putting an end to the army of TVA agents...

Hit glared down at the corpse and his useless weaponry. 'Such primitive instruments... If I can see when you activate the weapon, I can merely dodge its immediate firing zone under Time Skip or alter it using the Tides of Time. It does not matter how fast the actual blast is; if the projectile or ray is limited by a human's mind, I can predict its trajectory with ease.' Hit turned around and trudged towards his bisected companion, expecting to find a motionless corpse ripe for plunder... However...

"Come on, kiss and make up!" Unexpectedly, Deadpool was very much alive and had crawled to a nearby wall, dragging his sheared legs with him. The bloodied man was currently leaning his back against the barrier and was performing a bizarre ritual. His arms pushed up and down as they manoeuvred his torso over his lower half, jiggling intestines and dangling kidneys from side to side. After a few seconds of 'hopping', Deadpool sighed pleasantly as the body parts squelched and slithered back together. "Ahhhhhh... That's better..."

*Clack* Hit's jaw rose back up from its agape position and he marched up to the reanimated corpse, arms crossed. "Start talking, Wade Wilson."

"Hah!" Deadpool took a gleeful inhale and held his finger up in delight.

Hit instantly regretted his statement and hastily added specific instructions to the open-ended order. "About those soldiers; your crime; regenerative abilities; and that agent's referral to this dimension's imminent collapse."

Deadpool whinged and sighed in disappointment. "Dammit... I had so much lined up... Okay, fine! They're just assholes from the time variance authority who're upset that I'm skirting around the rules a little to get an anchor being. Your guess is as good as mine about this dimension's fate... I guess we're on the tick tick from here on... And, yes: I can regenerate; there's not much more to explain! Also, Hit, since we're on a real name basis, can you tell me what yours is, so I don't have to call you what your daddy did to you as a child?"

*SNAP*

Deadpool's femur snapped under Hit's heavy footstep. "Time variance authority? Anchor being? Explain this drivel."

Deadpool convulsed and groaned out a supressed scream. "FUCK! SERIOUSLY!? Not even a little foreplay? A dislocated arm or a torn-out fingernail!? Huff... Makes sense that you're not a marvel nerd: that bod's far too in shape and you smell amazing. Okay, basically, the TVA are multiversal gardeners who old yeller universe timelines that're too dangerous... Or lack an anchor being apparently... Oh! that's a person so vital to a universe's fate that, without them, the world just withers away. That's the whole reason why I'm trying to get to that ship's teleporter: to find a replacement anchor being for my dying universe. No need for you to worry about all that lore though; it's just my universe that's on their naughty list. They probably can't even detect yours..."

'A very troublesome ability...' Hit glared at Deadpool's mangled leg as it twisted of its own accord. Somehow, the appendage clicked and clacked back into position and skin sewed itself together. There was no obvious extraneous mechanism, at least to the naked eye, suggesting that the healing factor was an innate property of this individual's body. 'None of these terms are familiar to me... Could he be from an entirely different multiverse? Those scintillating orbs that I bore witness to, prior to my soul's journey here, were far too numerous to be the twelve realms of my world... I suppose reality truly is vaster than I could have ever imagined... Although, why would a single being be so vital to a universe timeline's existence? That suggests that the entire reason for a universe's creation is to revolve around them... Even if Lord Zeno himself perished, the cosmos would continue churning... Huff... I may have made a grave mistake in eliminating those agents, considering that they can erase timelines apparently... This filthy, revolving, parasite is quite effective at distracting people from their regular thought processing... There is no guarantee whether this ship of his even exists in the first place; is functional; or can teleport between realities... I'm completely blind here... I will have to withstand this insane creature's ramblings until I can gain control over the situation.' Hit took a deep breath and frowned at the lunatic below him. "Right... Just shut up and stay close. We need to move quickly to escape this hellhole." He then turned around and began marching to the plaza's only other exit, not bothering to check if Deadpool followed.

Deadpool did in fact follow and jumped back up with a little hop. He then zipped behind Hit and wound his arms around his chest, drawing his body as close to Hit's rear as possible. "Way ahead of you, pal! God, those are TIGHT!"

*CRACK* *SQUELCH* *SPLOOSH*

A vanishing fist burst through Deadpool's back and clenched around his heart, pausing to allow a final pulse to shiver over the organ. Ribs and viscera then drew back, following the fist's ruthless exit as it tore the heart from its sacred space.

*THUMP* *SQUELCH*

Hit threw the pulsating heart on the ground and stomped on it, pulverising it completely.

Deadpool laughed, heartily, and walked behind Hit as if nothing was amiss. "See! Told you, you were a heart breaker!"

"Tsk..." Hit stowed his stained hand away and quickened into a power-walk, eager to end this mortifying ordeal.

---

*RAAAA!*

A three-headed kobold roared and clawed out of a fiery pit. The wolf-headed humanoid growled and hissed, salivating at the first ever sight in its tainted existence: two appetising humans. Leg muscles bulged under dense fur and propelled the beast into a leap, directly at the purple-haired human, who had their eyes closed on their confident march. Currents swept through the animal's fur, directed and funnelled by the dense tunnel network it was birthed from.

*SWISH*

One of the beast's heads twisted to the side as a knife-hand sliced cleanly through its neck.

*SWISH*

The second head whined and shot into the cold air, glowing eyes weeping in despair at being separated from its family.

*SWISH*

Finally, the last remaining wolf head joined its conjoined brothers and swept away, leaking green ichor on its flight.

***BAM***

A side kick rocketed into the Kobold's bipedal body and swung upwards into a 180-degree kick. The decaying monster flew up and impacted with a ceiling stalactite, finally bursting into motes of dark smog.

"Hmph." Hit huffed and placed his raised boot back onto the ground, acting quite uninterest and bored at the fragile, low-level monsters that had attempted to devour them so far. He stuck out a hand and caught the neon magic stone that plummeted from above.

*Thump*

Red eyes sparkled as they stared at the swirling galaxy within with great interest. 'So... These beings follow the basic rules of monsters, in that they are fuelled by magic stone power sources. They also emerge from the 'dungeon's' walls and attack any sentient organism they come across. Based on this peculiar, green glow, the cores themselves have been altered in some way, likely altering their outward appearance and behaviour. Hm... What could affect the entire monster population to such a degree?' Hit mulled over the other oddities of this peculiar realm that had been steadily becoming more and more noticeable. 'The walls appear to be 'breathing' at times, drawing inwardly and outwardly in regular contractions, and stalactites fall to Earth of their own accord... This dimension is far more active than it was initially...'

*Strain*

A peculiar sound resonated through the narrow corridor, akin to rubber banding being stretched. Glancing to the side, Hit could see that Deadpool froze in place and stared directly into Hit's crimson eyes. "You sure know how to work those gams..."

*Strain*

The peculiar sound continued to stretch and strain from an unknown location. Deadpool nodded at Hit's stern expression and patted between his legs. "Oh, you're not imagining it, cupcake, my suit is getting tighter. I would say that I'm touching myself tonight, but that's your job, amigo."

*CRACK*

The neon magic stone zipped from Hit's grasp and collided with Deadpool's crown jewels with a harsh crack. The pained mercenary howled and rolled on the ground. "HOOoooooowwwww... Ahhhhhh... Thanks, peanut, that pushed me right over the edge..."

Hit abandoned his silent footsteps and stomped up to Deadpool's position. He thumped a tensed hand on the man's suit and hefted him up, bodily. "Filthy, demented vermin. Shut up and do your job!"

*BAM*

"OOF!" Deadpool choked as a firm push collided with his back and propelled him back into a quick march. "Okay, okay! Save the rough housing for tonight, pumpkin! And are you a pitcher or a catcher, by the way? I'm banking on a shy bottom."

ゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴ

A menacing aura plummeted onto Deadpool, and carmine beams of light blazed into his back. The fool ignored the danger and shrugged. "Not sure? Hm... Ever tried pegging? That's a pretty good determinant. I'm a top, so I'm not the best anal coach."

*CRACK* *SPLOOSH*

Deadpool's sensations vanished due to the unfortunate removal of his spine. His floppy body twisted and folded, falling onto the ground in a mangled heap.

Hit flung the vertebrae behind him and stuffed his hand into a trouser pocket, putting one foot in front of the other again. "Hmph... I am surprised that you even possess a spine, insect."

Twinkling, shimmering outlines shone onto Hit's face now. He exited the most recent tunnel and arrived at the largest hall yet. A beautiful lagoon sat at the opening's centre, sloshing languidly in the breezeless space.

Hit kept his senses on high alert as he approached the body of water, fully expecting yet another horde of demented creatures to flow out of its borders. Once he reached the lake, Hit gazed into his reflection, but was unwilling to actually drink the clear liquid. 'I cannot trust anything here. Who knows, perhaps this water is the source of whatever affliction is mangling those creatures.'

"Isn't this romantic?" Deadpool kneeled next to Hit and cast his eyes across the body of water, taking a deep breath in the humid air. His feet paddled in the water, splashing giddily. "Huh... It's a stagnant river; a cut off lake; a..." He turned to face Hit. "...Dead pool..."

Hit continued to stare at his reflection, not giving the infantile imbecile any attention.

"No? Yeah, not my best material... Hm... Wanna go skinny dipping? Thanks to your little 'nutcracker' routine, I'm in the need of a wash. Also, maybe I could show you mine, if you show me yours? How about you ride mine and I ride yours, that sounds much more fun-"

*SPLASH*

Hit wrenched Deadpool's head below the waves and held the flailing mercenary in place. "Let's see if suffocation does the job that the Gods have obviously failed to accomplish."

*SPLASH*

*SPLASH*

*SPLASH*

Minutes passed as Hit kept up his torture, but the captive's writhing did not diminish in intensity, whatsoever. Downcast, Hit rose his grasp and pulled the immortal out of the water.

"UGH!" *SPLOOSH* Deadpool heaved and expelled a fountain of water from his mouth. "Oh, you're into breath play, huh? What other stuff are you hiding from me, Shnookums? Everything flies with me baby; no need to be sh-.

*SPLASH*

Deadpool returned to his torture, which lasted several times longer than the previous round.

*SPLASH*

Hit sighed, glumly, as he pulled Deadpool's still living body back up. "There must be some way of eliminating you... You should pray to whatever deity is unfortunate enough to receive your reverence that I can no longer read minds."

Deadpool's eyes lit up and he shivered in delight. "Oh! Oh! I can mind read! Let me see... Hm... Ah! You're all business on the outside, but your eyes say fucky-fucky!"

*SPLASH*

---

"Which way now?" Hit tapped a foot on the ground, speaking in an irritated and impatient tone. The pair now meandered through a far more elaborate tunnel network, similar to a beehive in its complexity. Hit had asked this very question many a time, since Deadpool lagged in place at every fork of the path. Hit was having trouble analysing the mercenary's emotions and thoughts, but it was rather obvious that they were currently lost.

Deadpool shot his head back and groaned in annoyance. "UGH! Will you stop asking me that! How am I supposed to know!? God, you're so needy and we're not even in bed yet!"

Hit clutched his head, nursing a splintering headache. "Insubordinate insect... Because YOU are the one who swore to lead me out of this wretched realm, and YOU are the only one capable of using, and even viewing, that device. Either you fulfil your oath or endure the most agonising torture that I can envision, starting with drowning in your own torn out lungs."

Unfortunately, all of Hit's attempts to use the 'teleporter' device himself had failed. To his eyes, it remained as an inanimate brick of alien metal and glass. Even breaking Deadpool's arms and using the man's body as a puppet did not work. It certainly did not help that Hit also had to endure constant mentions of Deadpool 'almost being there'; being asked to 'squeeze a bit harder'; and for him to 'be gentle'.

Deadpool slumped down and sat against the main tunnel's wall, kicking his legs up and down. "Let's just sit back for a bit... We've been walking for hours! I've got some lube with me so I can even give you a massage... An internal one, should you prefer. Don't ask me where I'm storing the bottle, but know that it's surprisingly tight."

*BAM* *CRACK*

A phantom force shattered Deadpool's left teste and removed one of his kidneys. Hit materialised above Deadpool and scowled down at him, grasping the bleeding organ in his right hand. "Unless you wish to spend the rest of our journey being repeatedly castrated, and lacking the rest of your vital organs, then I suggest you put an end to this charade and MOVE!"

Deadpool rolled from side to side and twisted his legs in agony. "FUCKING CHRIST THAT HURT! WHO SHAT IN YOUR BED THIS MORNING, HUH!?"

Hit sighed and let the kidney flop down, reflecting on this wretched, horrid day. "Huff...The Grand priest..."

Deadpool froze and cocked his head to the side. "Grand priest? Ah..." He got up and placed a soothing hand on Hit's shoulder, speaking in an understanding tone. "It's okay, pal. You're not the only one who's played a reverend's flute." The mercenary then withdrew the hand and drew it apart to invite Hit into a hug. "Let's trauma bond."

"Get your filthy carcass away from me." Hit's eyes twitched and shuddered under immense strain. He had never encountered such a repulsive creature in all his life: someone that his survival now rested upon.

Deadpool stamped a foot down and harrumphed like a teenage girl. "Oh my God, you're so mean!"

Leather gloves creased and whined under the force of Hit's tightening fists. "You... I cannot begin to describe the unforgiving rage coursing through me at this very moment. Not even in a millennium of life have I met another individual as pathetic and mentally deficient as you are. Of all the people in the multiverse, why did YOU have to be blessed with immortality!?"

Deadpool did a skip and slapped his knee. "It's God's greatest joke! And I knew we had a special connection, sparkles! Anyway, Christ are you old! Does that mean I can call you Daddy? I'm looking to be a sugar baby since rent's due in about three-"

*BAM*

A fist teleported over Deadpool's liver and detonated at point-blank range.

"Right in the giblets!" Deadpool held his abdomen and hunched over. "Jokes on you, daddy, drain cleaner killed that a long time ago. But seriously, what's your annual income like? I won't lie, I'm super high maintenance. Do you have any idea what Chris Evans does to a movie's budget!?"

"Make your own damned money. Better yet, give up on life and kill yourself."

"It's harder than you'd think! After selling all of Blind Al's blood pressure medicine, all I have left is my body! And that's reserved for you and wolfy's spitroasting DP fest!" Deadpool stuck his hands on his hips and leaned forwards, narrowing his eyes at Hit. "Also, I'll have you know that I have plenty to live for!"

Hit rose a brow. "Blind Al...?" 'A potential hostage. Emotional manipulation should prove more effective on this idiot.'

"Oh! Al's my blind, African American roommate. We share a one-bedroom apartment together back home. Well, she's partially blind... She can see cocaine for some oddly specific reason..." The mercenary narrowed and widened his eyes, as if attempting to detect any nearby hidden narcotics.

'Great. Another dead end: both to gaining leverage over this gnat and to finding a way out of here...' Hit paced back and forth, trying any strategy to calm himself down. "This realm you originated from... It wouldn't happen to be referred to as hell, would it?"

Deadpool bellowed out a hearty laugh. "HA! It is for 20th century fox! Those dickholes can suck my fat-"

*RIP* *CRACK*

Hit flung himself at Deadpool and tore his head off, breaking bone and shearing muscle with a furious heave. The headless corpse collapsed down like a puppet whose strings were cut and became drenched in a torrent of ichor from above. Hit tightened his grasp on the bleeding head and glared into its widened eyes. "You seem to be under the impression that my time can be wasted. You are mistaken. Let me assure you that every second here will feel like an eternity in my clutches, should you refuse to continue on this journey."

Breaking every rule, Deadpool giggled and wiggled his eyebrows under his mask. "Yes! Let's hold on to that attitude for now, then pound until the sun comes up!" Twitching nerves and arteries sprouted from his neck stump and tickled his captor's hands, forcing the clutch to release.

*Thump*

The head rolled across the ground and used its spindly sinews and blood vessels to create rudimentary legs. In a scene straight out of a horror film, the head pirouetted and summersaulted back into position over Deadpool's body, plopping back on its stump the wrong way around.

Hit shook his head at his continued inability to destroy this nuisance, even if he did realise that the worm was still essential to his escape. "Is this act some convoluted form of suicide? Someday, someone, likely me, is going to kill you. It does not matter how fast you can regenerate; something will find a way and kill you, eventually... Hopefully me.

"Crap, I always mess this last part up..." Deadpool rose his arms up and twisted his head back into place with a nauseating crack. "Huff, there you are, gorgeous! Hoh boy have I tried, buddy. Believe me, I've tried... Two feet in the grave, but I just can't die!"

"Well, keep trying. You'll succeed eventually."

"Aww... Thanks pal!"

---

The pair of incredibly distinct individuals delved deeper and deeper through the maddening nexus of tunnels. The walls had continued to pulsate, accompanied by peculiar 'glitches' and rumblings from deep below. It had been a harrowing, and incredibly claustrophobic journey, punctuated by screams and booms. After dozens of rude innuendos, removed body parts, and harsh words, Hit and Deadpool finally came to a large cave-like space dotted with deep holes. Immense cavities littered the floor, their interior shrouded in impenetrable darkness. No doors led out of the peculiar room, suggesting that the only way out was down.

"State our next course, scum." Hit spoke in a cold, frigid tone that had somehow deepened beyond his already baritone level. His bulging pockets were dripping with crimson liquid and viscera, a property gained from bloodied fists being stuffed in and out of them.

Deadpool swung his teleporter in the air and thumped an index finger against its screen, generating an overlapping series of beeps and buzzes. "No clue... Maybe that guy knows." The finger then whizzed to point straight ahead at a hopping blur in the distance, which was standing directly over an immense burrow.

"I highly doubt that." Hit had already noticed the fuzzy human figure but chose to ignore it, continuing to glare at Deadpool. He had instantly recognised the human as one of the many thugs who ganged up on Bell Cranel several hours prior. Based on the man's rat-like appearance and blue cape, it was the individual who had attempted to decapitate Welf Crozzo from behind. 'That back-stabbing creature must have been drawn into this dimensional rift as well... Welcome to hell, bastard.'

"H-HEY! I-IS THE EXIT DOWN THERE!? I'VE BEEN WALKING IN CIRLCLES FOR HOURS AND HOURS!" A snivelling scream blistered across the cratered expanse, emanating from the hopping fiend.

Deadpool placed two ringed hands around his mouth and formed a funnel. IT SURE IS, BUDDY! GO AHEAD AND JUMP DOWN!"

"R-REALLY!? I-I CAN'T SEE THE BOTTOM", came an echoing reply.

Deadpool shouted back cheerful encouragement. IT'S BARELY EVEN A PUDDLE, JUST JUMP! YOU'RE A HAIR'S BREADTH AWAY FROM FREEDOM! He turned to face Hit, breathless from shouting. "I-I'm...huff... surprised that you're not trying to stop me... You know that guy, right?"

Hit crossed his arms and glared at the array of holes in front of him, analysing the openings for any signs of an exit. "He is no ally of mine. Even so, it's not as if that wretch would be stupid enough to follow orders from an imbecilic worm like y-"

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" The adventurer jumped and let out a petrified scream.

Hit and Deadpool stared at the now vacant space and waited for several prolonged seconds.

.

..

...

*SQUELCH*

A wet plop echoed from within the burrow, signifying the end of the rat-man.

Deadpool held his chin between a finger and thumb. "Huh... well, I guess we know how deep that ravine is now... He died a true hero..."

"He died of murder, you demented freak", supplied an unenthused Hit.

Deadpool cowered slightly and waved his hands up and down. "How is this my fault!? He's the one who decided to jump! Hm... but we still don't know how deep this particular one is..."

*THUMP*

A harsh push slammed into Deadpool's back and sent him flying down the nearest ravine.

*squelch*

Following a far shorter descent, a much quieter squish resounded from Deadpool's landing.

Hit nodded and jumped down after the mercenary, sighing as he alighted onto the dimly lit floor. At the burrow's core, a mangled, twisted corpse shivered and clacked back into place. Interestingly, the writhing figure's mask had been whisked off in his descent, allowing Hit to gaze upon the scarred mien within.

Darkened, shrivelled skin covered the entirety of Deadpool's visible body. No hair sprouted from his wrinkled head or eyebrows, and dried flakes of flesh clung to his entire surface.

Hit furrowed his brows at the peculiarity, expecting a regenerator to have sublime, silken flesh. "What is wrong with your body? Other than that it is inhabited by you, of course."

Deadpool caught his mask, which flittered down from above, and flung it back over his face. "A good old buddy of mine, goes by the name Francis, tortured me until I became a mutant! I look like Magneto's and Charles Xavier's ball sacks slammed together, but no matter how much damage I receive, I just can't die! Those bastards promised to save me, and I guess they succeeded."

Hit cocked his head, filtering out the obscenities and focusing on the vital intel. "How could such a stimulus induce genotype, and even phenotypic changes? Even epigenetic shifts would not be so sudden."

Deadpool shook his head in mirrored bafflement. "Come again? This time in my ear? I have no idea what any of that meant..."

"Forget it. Hm... What were they saving you from, exactly?" Hit's eyes darkened and hope sparkled in their irises.

"Well, that's... Oh, I know that look!" Deadpool rose a gloved hand and waggled his finger at Hit's slightly hopeful expression. "You think that whatever they saved me from is the key to killing me! Well, bad luck, assassin! They basically applied reverse chemotherapy. Instead of curing my cancer, I'm all cancer, baby!"

"Tch..." Hit's hopes vaporised.

Deadpool sighed and spoke in the most truthful tone thus far. "But it was all worth it... I'd do it all a million times over just to be with the people I care for..."

"...You have loved ones?" Hit turned to focus on Deadpool fully. "I find it incredibly doubtful that vermin like you would even possess emotions, let alone bonds. Are you sure that these individuals are not paid actors, clinically brain dead, or manifestations of your schizophrenia?"

"Nope, all real! ...Well, they're technically paid actors... But our bonds are genuine!" Deadpool pulled a small rectangular sheet out of his belt pocket and raised it for Hit to see. Close up, the card was a photograph showing several smiling individuals, with Deadpool at the centre. Strangely, an incredibly poor-quality toupee was stapled to his head. "Maybe I could introduce you to them when this is all over. My ex-wife's off limits though... Well, maybe anal..."

Hit's lips straightened but he ploughed on, hoping to uncover more clues. "I do not know whether it's more unbelievable that you were once married or that you are still amicable with her, despite separation over your obvious insanity and derangement."

"My crazy matches her crazy... We'll make up eventually; we always do..." Yearning, and a miniscule ember of purity, seeped into Deadpool's tone, which petered off into silent hope.

Hit stuffed his hands away and looked around the most recent uncomfortable space he was confined within. It was a gloomy circular hole with a single ovular exit, making their next move rather obvious. "Hmph. Step one: stop offering your vile 'services' to strangers, let alone the first being you come across in an entirely new universe."

Deadpool followed Hit's gaze and made to march towards the room's circular doorway, holding his peculiar tablet device up to guide him. "Oh, but we're not strangers, are we, peanut? If we find the ship, muffin, we'll be exploring our bodies inside and out."

Hit froze and his blood cooled. He clenched his teeth and withdrew tensed fists from their bloodied pockets. "Repeat what you just said."

Deadpool whirled around and replied in a curious, hopeful voice. "...We'll be exploring our bodies inside and-"

"Before that", interrupted Hit.

"Muffin? I think it's cute! It suits your pretty, peach-red eyes!"

"BEFORE THAT." Anger crescendoed in Hit's tone.

Deadpool scratched his head and shrugged. "If we find the ship...?"

Hit flung himself at Deadpool and clenched his neck in a bone-shattering grasp.

*BOOM* *CRACK*

The two men cratered into their prison's rocky wall, sending dust billowing around them. Hit glared down at his broken prey with a murderous scowl. "IF WE FIND THE SHIP!? LYING, FILTH SUCKING WORM! DO YOU NOT HAVE A SHRED OF HONOUR IN THAT CORPSE YOU CALL A BODY!? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE DOING OR WHERE WE ARE GOING, DO YOU!?" The assassin used his free arm to tear Deadpool's mask off and began to flay him, peeling off leaflets of skin in long ribbons.

Deadpool bleated and begged for mercy. "OKAY, OKAY, OKAY! I LIED TO YOU AND I'M SORRY! I don't know where the exit is, exactly, but it's in this region!" He shoved his tablet into Hit's face, showing that they were currently within an immense cloud of energy readings, although this was invisible to Hit. "I MADE AN INFORMED GUESSTIMATE! Also, I'm not a top, I'm a power-bottom. I'm so sorry for getting your hopes up! There, my conscience is clean..."

*BOOM*

Hit slammed Deadpool's body into the wall, obliterating his clavicles and pectoral girdle. "THIS DIMENSION IS COLLAPSING AND YOU'RE MAKING JOKES!? Do these supposed loves ones of yours mean so little? Are your bonds MEANINGLESS!? And where I originate from, an 'informed guesstimate' is known as lying through your filthy teeth!"

Deadpool hung his head in shame, unable to look Hit in the eyes. "Fuck... Fuck... You're right... you're right... I'm sorry. I do this when I'm nervous... But what else was I supposed to do!? This tablet is sto- borrowed tech and I'm just whinging it! Were you expecting me to stroll up to you and say: 'Hey! I have no idea what I'm doing; follow the funny red guy!?'"

Hit tore one final sheet of skin away from Deadpool's dermis, removing an entire eyelid. "I was expecting a fully fleshed out and truthful explanation, considering that we are both in peril here. Again, you defy my expectations. It is impossible to tell whether you are lying..." The only reason that Hit chose to follow Deadpool was that the mercenary's eyes moved across his 'teleporter' in a noticeable pattern: a telltale sign that someone was reading a map. Deadpool was a master at hiding his true intentions verbally, but his body was not quite as skilful at the craft.

Deadpool clasped his palms together and bowed his head. "Well, this time, I'm not. I swear to you, Hit. And if I lie again, you can do whatever you want to me... I mean anything!" He rose his fingers successively and tapped each one's tip. "Whips, belts, chains, handcuffs, candles..."

ゴゴゴ"Silence. ゴゴゴHit drew himself close to Deadpool's mutilated eye and his crimson irises burned into bubbling skin. "Just know this. Should you make a fool of me again, I will decapitate you, burn your nerves, and gouge out your somatosensory cortex until the end of time. Do I make myself clear?"

Deadpool nodded and waved Hit's doubts aside. "S&M is fully in my books, master. You have my word: I will not lie to you again. And we will get out of here! Based on that cutesy backpack you've got, there's people waiting for you as well. Either that, or you're an incredibly talented seamstress, so use that motivation to pump yourself up. It's all hands on deck in the final stretch, buddy."

***BOOM***

Deadpool exploded into a fountain of red paste and Hit stepped out of the bloodied pit, not knowing that the most harrowing stage would soon be upon him.

---

*SHOOOOOOOM* *SHHIIIIIIIIII* *BOOOM*

Sheer winds blew and tornados scoured a nightmarish underworld. Black and blue lightning zapped and thundered in a constant energetic bombardment. A titanic storm of human blood blustered and swept across an immense space that surpassed Orario in its immensity manyfold.

*BOOOM* *WOOOOSHHH*

The floor's ground was suffused in crimson rivers and waterfalls of blood, which ebbed and flowed through an immense pile of human remains that extended past the horizon. The once alabaster skeletons were stained red, permeated with sin.

Two small pinpoints marched along this unstable layer of craniums and ribcages, making a beeline for the opposite end of the horrid realm. One figure waltzed over the bones as if he were weightless, whereas the other wobbled and repeatedly collapsed onto the ground.

"OOF!" Deadpool fell over for the umpteenth time and landed face-first on a crimson skull. "Woops! Sorry, buddy! Man, this place is super familiar... YOU KNOW ANY OF THESE GUYS, HIT!?"

"You expect me to recognise these scattered remains?" As in all prior cases, Hit did not slow down and powered on through the gale-force winds and torrents of steaming blood. "And if these sights are familiar to you, then your world truly is hell. Now stop wasting time and cease this folly."

"It's not my fault! Not everyone's a master ballerina like you are, sparkles!" Bones cracked and clinked together as Deadpool rushed to Hit's side. "Nah, it's just that one of the universes I teleported to looked just like this place! ...Except it also had a crucified Wolverine... Poor wittle guy... We were obviously at different stages in life, so I dumped him."

Hit wiped a fountain of blood from his brow and growled at the bellowing sky. "Tch. Who or what is this 'Wolverine' creature you repeatedly mention? For someone to be associated with you so deeply, they must be the most miserable being in creation."

"He's a Canadian, just like me! And we're totally in love!"

Hit mulled the foreign word over, cementing it to memory. 'Canadian? Is that this creature's species? Hm... Best to avoid them henceforth.'

As the two figures lurched and marched across the vast hellish expanse, ripples and bubbles of multicoloured light blossomed and pulsated from a glowing epicentre, suggesting that the source of the gravitational waves was nearby.

At the apex of a vermillion bone mountain, Deadpool locked eyes with his stolen ship and screamed in glee. "THAT'S THOSE BAST- I MEAN, MY SHIP!"

Hit grumbled at the Freudian slip. "Do I detect another lie, guttersnipe?"

"Wow, you STILL haven't run out of cute nicknames for me!? Do you carry a little thesaurus around with you for special occasions? Jot down dirty notes? Ooh! Can I call you 'penetrator'? You've been inside me damn well near a hundred tim-"

**BAM**

Deadpool's legs shattered and bent backwards, and he tumbled down the sheer cliff of skeletons, plunging into a lake of blood.

*SPLASH!*

Crimson waves boomed and circular ripples undulated around the impact site.

After a few seconds, where fruitless hope grew in Hit's heart, Deadpool sadly surfaced, looking incredibly pleased with himself. The mercenary spat out a stream of red liquid and paddled on his back. His striking jumpsuit made him appear as if he was just another wave in the bloody ocean. "The water's perfect, penetrator! Come down here and live up to your nickname! There's no need for lubrication with these sticky fluids!"

Hit scowled at the disgusting fool below, his face becoming pitch-black under the lightning that sparked above. "Hm... Target acquired." The man's frown grew into a smirk, and he skipped time.

*Shing*

Stained lavender garments ruffled as Hit dived down from the cliff's edge and joined the crimson rain, appearing like a falcon hunting in an otherworldly abyss. He landed on Deadpool's frozen body and kicked off the immovable platform as forcefully as he could, flinging himself towards the lake's skeletal shore.

*BOOOOOM* *SPLASH!*

Deadpool's arms and legs shot from his core like rockets. His flailing body sank beneath the waves and an immense fountain of blood surged into the air.

"Hmph. I do not usually enjoy torture, but this vermin's suffering is well warranted." Hit smirked at the tsunami of blood, which barely touched upon his dark boots.

Unfortunately, the sweeping wave also brought with it a fully formed Deadpool. The perpetual clown lay on his side and placed a delicate hand on his waist.

"Oh? Am I awakening something deep inside you, penetrator? You certainly have in me..."

Hit stomped on a pile of skulls, repeatedly. 'That settles it. I must have died on my ascent from the 18th floor, and this is my eternal torment.' He snarled and punched a nearby mountain of bones.

*WOOSHH* *BOOOOOM*

The towering edifice swayed and tumbled to the side, sending a pyroclastic flow of bone chippings careening towards the two men. Hit stared at the approaching cloud, partially hoping it would bring about his demise, whereas Deadpool fell into a coughing fit.

As the dust cleared, an immense open plain became visible, completely covered in bloodied remains and nightmarish demons.

*CRACK* *BOOM* *WOOSH* *ROOOOOAR!*

Thunder cracked and winds soared, casting immense shadows across the landscape. Titanic, elephant-like monsters trumpeted and bleated across it, rearing themselves on their back legs and crashing back down. Long ago, the beasts may have been recognised as Mammoth Fools of the dungeon. Now, green tentacles writhed and swarmed on every inch of the pained creatures, oozing sizzling ichor. Immense ivory tusks sprouted from the monsters, which were utilised to bulldoze through the mountains of remains that pervaded every inch of their prison.

*RIIIIIIIII!* *SHIIIIII!*

Above, Firebirds circled the psychedelic storm clouds, screeching horrid melodies. Rather than the typical orange flames, green-black hellfire burned the creatures from the inside out.

Horrifyingly, every monster's gleaming eyeball swivelled to focus on Hit and Deadpool, and all hell broke loose.

*RUMBLE* *TRUMPET* *GROOOOAAR!* *SHIIIIIIIII!*

Undead Mammoth Fools and Firebirds screamed, and either stampeded or formed undulating murmurations that stormed towards the two mortal men.

Deadpool shook his head, acting like a disappointed parent. "Great. Nice job, Hit. I thought you were supposed to be the smart one in this buddy cop flic?"

Hit shot his fists shot up and blurred them into a synchronous series of angular movements. "Just get to work. The sooner this is over with, the quicker you can parasitise off someone else. Anybody else."

"Oh, I'm not done suckling from you, peanut. We're going to be together for a looooooong time." Deadpool pirouetted up and withdrew his pistols with a twinkling twirl.

"GRRR!" Hit snarled and blitzed into a Time Skip sprint, sporadically racing towards the stampede and storm of monsters. Mammoths roared and swung their trunks, trying to ensnare the blur that dared to infringe on to their outer front.

***BAM***

Hit summersaulted over one beast's swinging trunk and sent a flash fist crush at the creature's exposed neck, hoping to kill it instantly.

*SWISH* *SLITHER*

The Mammoth's outer layer of tentacles was forced apart, revealing that a sea of similar appendages wriggled beneath.

"WHAT!?" Unfortunately, the force of Hit's attack was completely ineffective against this writhing mass. Tentacles parted from the ray of latent time energy, revealing that these titanic creatures were nothing more than masses of writhing feeler organs in the shape of Mammoth Fools. The tentacles slithered and shot out of their wriggling sea, taking advantage of Hit's shocked state, and wrapped around his extended arm.

*SHOOM*

"URK!" Hit clenched his teeth and felt his consciousness swim. His body was swung by the rapidly elongating tentacle in increasing revolutions. Up and up its rotation went, directing Hit towards the swarm of ravenous fire birds in the upper atmosphere above.

Green points of hellfire squealed in glee as the meal approached them, swarming amongst shafts of azure lightning and hellish storm clouds.

"Hold on best buddy!" *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*

Whizzing bullets added to the vile storm, and burst screaming firebirds into resplendent verdant fireworks. Deadpool appeared like a blazing pair of beacons from Hit's airborne position.

*SNAP* *GRRROOOOOAR!*

A bullet struck the tentacle ensnaring Hit and the man was sent upwards by its rebounding whip. The murmuration of Firebirds squawked and flew to engulf the rapidly ascending man.

*BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

Hit's eyes were murderous as he twisted and twirled in the endless biblical storm. Rays of latent time energy shot out of his fists and propelled him back and forth on his blitzing descent. Green fireworks punctuated his fall, emitted from pulverised Firebirds.

"I'VE GOT YOU! COME TO PAPA!" Deadpool ran directly under the trajectory of Hit's tumultuous fall and beckoned him into an embrace, looking overly pleased about being able to return the favour.

*SQUELCH*

Unexpectedly, just as Hit's burning body was about to fall into the loving cuddle, he vanished, and a dark boot instantly burst through Deadpool's chest.

*BOOM*

Bone piles and rivers of blood detonated as Deadpool took the brunt of the 'friendly'-fire attack. Hit wrenched his foot from Deadpool's chest cavity and panted in place. Fists tightened and teeth grinded. A green flame bathed his body, steadily burning lavender clothing into ashen whisps.

*RIP*

Hit snarled and tore his shredded, burning top off, freeing his upper body to the world. Pronounced six-pack abdominals rippled in the calamitous winds and streams of blood cascaded down their surface. Blue lightning reflected in these droplets, dancing like a celebratory festival to the eyes.

Deadpool gaped and stared at Hit straight in the eyes. "I am soaking wet right now."

Hit's ravenous scowl returned, and he tensed his foot, aiming to blitz back into the fray.

"WAIT!" Deadpool stuck his guns in the air and jumped in front of Hit. "Come on, this is the perfect opportunity for a team attack! Those punches of yours might make me fall to pieces, but you'll just end like a hentai protagonist if you keep this up! Go right ahead if you're into that, though... Actually, a little tentacle-play sounds like a great idea right now, let's do that instead."

Capillaries burst in Hit's eyes and his head screamed into a piercing migraine. His body heaved, freeing soot and blood from its scarred surface. "Shut. THE FUCK. UP!"

Deadpool shook his head in bewilderment. "Rude... Looks like a bit of me's rubbing off on you, Mr Serious... Heh... That's what she sa-"

Hit grabbed Deadpool's right boot and hurled him at an approaching Mammoth Fool.

*WOOOSHH*

"Alrighty then, we'll chat later." Deadpool stowed his pistols away and drew twin adamantium katanas. Skeletal rivers; undead mammoths; hellfire phoenixes; and momentous storm clouds reflected in the legendary weapons, which were swung forwards with a metallic hiss.

*RIP* *GROOOOOAAAARR!*

The Mammoth Fool bellowed under catastrophic wounds. Otherworldly Katanas sliced clean through the titan and the two wriggling halves fell to Earth. Swinging tentacles swarmed and attempted to separate from their host, but ultimately vanished into green smoke.

*TRUMPET* *GROOOOAR!*

To the side, another Mammoth Fool charged at Hit. The shirtless man braced himself and crouched down, arms spread apart. "HRAAAAA!"

******CRASH******

The Mammoth collided with Hit's open arms and bulldozed across the sea of skeletons, sending geysers of blood erupting at each footstep. Its thunderous gallop gradually slowed, paused and came to a screeching stop. Two deep trenches cut into the skeletal ground below, with Hit lying at its end. He held the Mammoth's two tusks in his rigid arms and glared into the monster's eyes with bottomless hate.

****CRACK****

Hit intensified his grip and twisted. Muscles bulged and wrenched back, extracting the two tusks from the monster's body through sheer will force and rage-induced strength. "HRAAAAAAAAAA!" The immense tusks were then flung ahead like javelins, directly at the grieving Mammoth Fool's core.

***BOOOOOOOOOM***

Flung tusks burst through the mass of worms and the tentacled creature exploded into long, green strands.

"THERE IS NO OBSTACLE I CANNOT SURPASS!" Hit roared and rocketed at the next Mammoth, instantly shattering its tusks and flinging the javelins at another stampeding giant. Smoky explosions and ivory rockets joined the cacophony of the underworld, signalling humanity's uprising.

Deadpool howled with laughter and sprinted at Hit's side, cutting any surrounding elephants and phoenixes into lifeless fibrils.

*CRACKLE* *ZAP*

Blood storms and divine lightning intensified during Hit and Deadpool's breakneck run towards the glowing ship. The skeletal floor now undulated like a sea of damned souls and glitches in reality extended across the horizon. Multicoloured light hummed in spheres of ball lighting and earthquakes shook the entire dimension. Bubbles of destabilized reality wafted from beyond the storm clouds and mutilated anything they touched upon. The stampede of Mammoth Fools only seemed to grow more ravenous towards the epicentre, as if sensing that their foes were approaching salvation.

*SCHWING* *WOOSH*

Deadpool raised his blades into a hasty block; however, a ramming tusk attack flung his blades into the air. The katanas hissed during their flight and landed near the distant ship, taunting their owner.

Now that they were in the final approach, it was rather obvious that Deadpool's ship was the cause of this nightmare. The Milano was in a dreadful state. Glowing metal hummed and squealed, and metal plating peeled from its hull. The craft itself was embedded within a tear in reality, preventing the space bridge from closing fully. A wave of infected energy wafted in from this dimensional door and enmeshed itself with the new world it found itself in. Worryingly, the tunnel of spacetime was slowly cutting into the Milano's underside, where paired matter and antimatter engines still hummed.

Deadpool flung his hands up and slapped the top of his head. "SHIT! The damned thing's stuck in a wormhole! That engine's power source must be destabilising reality! Dammit, how am I supposed to get there without my blades!?"

A herd of Mammoth Fools paused ahead of Hit and Deadpool, forming a protective layer over their 'mother'. The monsters were silent and awaited their human adversaries with bated breath.

Hit chuckled to Deadpool's side, huffing at the immense strain his body had withstood in such a short period. "Huff... Good... Huff... Any misfortune that befalls you is well deserved... Huff..."

Deadpool twisted to face Hit and berated him in a reversal of roles. "DON'T YOU GET IT, YOU NIGHTCRAWLER RIP-OFF!? We're both fucked if I can't get to that teleporter! Antimatter and Matter don't play nicely, unlike me and my uncle's vibrator! Even I'm not safe from being destroyed, so you know it's a bitch!

Optimism sparkled in Hit's eyes, hopeful that he could witness the degenerate mercenary's demise. "It's your error, parasite. Find a solution yourself. Besides, as long as you perish, I honestly couldn't care less about what happens now." The assassin then tensed himself and jumped down a wave of bones, surfing along the undead currents.

Deadpool sighed and hung his head. A stained skull glared back at him, its jaw open and laughing in the vermillion waves.

Deadpool reached down and picked the head up, throwing the cranium up and down. "Huff...Okay... Maximum effort."

"HAAA!" He reared his arm back and flung the chuckling skull down the wave, directly at a motionless Mammoth Fool's glowing eye. The orb popped with a sickening squelch and slithered to join the river of sin below.

*CRACK* *GROOOOOAAAAR!*

The beast roared in pain and signalled the final stampede. Hundreds of Mammoth Fools trumpeted, and Firebirds sent balls of hellfire raining down.

*SNAP* *CLINK*

Deadpool reached into the swarming sea of bodies and pulled out a fully formed skeleton. The body jiggled and clinked in the wind, giggling into the madness that greeted it. Deadpool sighed and tore a rib from the corpse. "Twice in one day? Huff... I'm never beating the necrophilia allegations now, am I?" He then joined Hit in his surfing and plummeted down the sheer 'wave', which now towered into an immense tsunami of bones.

The undulation curved upwards and formed an angled skeletal ramp. Hit and Deadpool sailed up the curvature and flew into the air, freefalling onto the swarm of titans below. The two men became two red and lavender drops in the blood rain: ants falling towards titanic giants.

Deadpool rolled and flipped in the currents, dancing without a care in the world. "Surfing and skydiving!? This is the best honeymoon I've ever had, Hit!"

*SCRIIIIIIIII!*

A spheroidal ball of Firebirds screeched around Hit and Deadpool as they fell, taking advantage of their vulnerable state. Hellfire wings beat and green fireballs shot across the sky in an inescapable blitzkrieg.

Hit growled and grabbed Deadpool's leg, swinging the mercenary into a red blur and head-first into the surrounding chaos.

*BAM* *BAM* *BAM* *BOOOOM*

Firebirds and fireball attacks detonated against Deadpool's weaponised body and ignited him into a streaking green spiral. The two men became a spinning top: a deadly whirlwind with a lavender core and blazing, fiery green outer ring.

"HRAAAA!" Hit roared and set Deadpool free from the ruthless spin attack. The laughing mercenary tore two more ribs from his chuckling bony companion and impacted against a horde of stampeding Mammoth Fools like a shooting star. Tens of the tentacled creatures were expunged and crumbled apart, vanishing beneath the undead waves.

*Shing*

Hit skipped time and landed on a Mammoth Fool's immobile tusk. Burly legs then bent and tensed, before exploding into a powerful leap.

****BOOM****

Ivory splintered into thin fragments and Hit shot back into the air. He held a fist forwards, impacting with and eviscerating any Firebirds that dared to block his flight path.

**BOOM**

**BOOM**

**BOOM**

**BOOM**

Successive explosions added to the maniacal music of this hellish realm as Hit boomed from tusk to tusk, making immense progress towards the other side of the immense space. Crimson eyes were wide and locked on the glowing ship in the distance, intent on being the first to the finish line.

Below, Deadpool picked up the pace as well. Ribs; femurs; tibia; and skulls slammed and sliced incoming tentacle masses apart; and smaller phalanx bones were used as makeshift throwing knives against squawking airborne foes.

He stared at the zipping pink blur ahead, unable to discern how Hit was moving so quickly without losing any energy. "Okay, that is no regular teleportation... Naughty sparkles is keeping secrets from me... I need to catch up to him somehow."

*TRUMPET* *TRUMPET* *GROOOAR!*

A wall of Mammoth Fools, that had previously stampeded past Deadpool, now roared and began to turn around. The monsters reared up and fell onto the river of bones and shook their tusks in rage, generating smaller waves. From Deadpool's perspective, the beasts looked like they were moving towards him in a long, undulating, line dance.

"That's not how you do a conga line!" Deadpool ran back the way he came and flung the remains of his skeletal teammate into the leading Mammoth's writhing face.

*TRUMPET!*

The blinded beast cried and raised itself on its hind legs, leaving it completely vulnerable. Deadpool continued to race across the wasteland and leapt into a flying kick that boomed against the elephant's midsection. "That's it! Work those thighs!"

*TRUMPET* *GROOOAR!* *BOOOOOOOM*

The mammoth wobbled and twisted from the kick's force, finally falling backwards onto the monster behind it, which in turn, followed suit. Like a line of dominos, the creatures rose up in fright and fell on their backs, generating booming quakes in their catastrophic falls.

*WHOOOOOOOSH*

The falling titans created an immense vacuum in the undead sea and sank into its clutches. This vacuum was quickly filled as the torrential skeletal mass writhed and rushed back into position, generating an immense tsunami of human remains. The hundred metre wave slammed into and obliterated anything in its path, generating beautiful aftershocks. Firebirds detonated against the vermillion undulation in intermittent green explosions, and Mammoth Fools were crushed into twinkling, green spirals.

Deadpool swept his arms apart and welcomed the tsunami into an all-encompassing embrace.

*CRACK* *WHOOOOOOOSH* *CRACKLE*

The wave of bones slammed into Deadpool and washed him away. Skulls and ribcages crashed into the regenerator and sliced him into innumerable ribbons, suffusing themselves in the greatest sin yet.

*WOOOooooosh*

Finally, the wave roared and petered out, delivering Deadpool's mangled body to the base of two glowing metallic objects. Looking up, the mangled corpse could see that an unmistakable image of the twinkling Milano was reflected in two long, shimmering shafts of metal. Deadpool snapped back together and clapped his hands together in unexpected glee. "Oh, FUCK OFF!" He snatched the two katanas back up and sheathed them away, promising to never again part with them.

Turning around, Deadpool could see that an incredibly angry Hit was currently standing at the Milano's front entry point. The assassin's expression was a thunderous image of barely restrained wrath as he smashed every button he could see, to no avail. Unfortunately, all locks and input devices on the craft were biometric and non-mechanical, preventing the extradimensional alien from utilising them.

Deadpool cast his white eyes over the ship's hull and gasped at its underside. Blue and green antimatter engines were fully exposed and were steadily glowing in darker hues, signalling the imminent expiry of their volatile fuel. "WE'RE TOO LATE! The fuel will decay soon, and we'll be stuck in this tentacle orgy! Again, that's completely fine with me!"

Hit slammed his palm against the ship's boarding button. "Damned cockroach... Must this nightmare never end?" The hand curled and bulged with pulsing arteries. "GODS DAMMIT!" Hit smashed a fist against the ship's hull and leapt to the side, raising his arms in front of him. He pressed two hands together, their index fingers and thumbs held in the formation of a glowing triangle, and directed them towards the Milano's fuel source. "HMPH!" The purple halo was transferred to the green and blue drums, causing their fluctuations to diminish and slow to a snail's pace.

Deadpool slapped two palms onto his cheeks and gasped. "You can slow time!? Does that work on people too!? Can it make a moment last forever!? OH! Could you use it on me just as I'm about to cu-"

***BAM***

Hit kicked Deadpool in the back and slammed him against the ship's locked opening. "OPEN THE DAMNED DOOR!"

Deadpool slapped a palm against the entry button, generating a pleasing electrical beep. "Alright, alright! This place was getting old anyway... OOF!"

Hit wasted no time and wrenched Deadpool into the ship, kicking its door closed on his way through, and instantly zipped towards the cockpit. Dark boots slammed down onto the corridor's metal flooring, marring it with deep indentations. Buzzing cables were clearly visible through openings on the hallway walls and litter was thrown all about. 'What a filthy wreck... It suits this vermin perfectly.'

Deadpool swung like a kitten in its mother's grasp, pointing in the opposite direction to Hit's march. "No, no, no! The bedroom's that way!"

**BOOM**

Hit kicked the cockpit's metal door in and shattered it completely. Crimson eyes spiralled and zipped in all directions and quickly analysed the devices and seating positions available to him. 'Mostly familiar. This vessel focalises on having a single pilot and copilot, supported by multiple gunners. Tch, the yoke and throttles should be usable, but everything else is biometrically locked. Damn this filthy insect's universe.'

"Power the engines on and activate the teleporter! RIGHT NOW!" Hit slammed Deadpool into the pilot's seat and sat in the adjacent co-pilot position.

Deadpool twitched slightly due to his broken pelvis and saluted his commander. "Aye, aye Cap'n!"

*BEEP* *BZZ* *ZAP* *VRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOMM*

The mercenary's fingers danced across the controls, pressing tens of buttons and switches. Orange lights flickered on and off on and electricity sparked across the control panel. The ship shook and vibrated to life, and its engines roared with golden flames. An undulating film of blue light shimmered around the vessel and pushed the dimensional tear back, indicating that its shields were now active and preventing its engines from interfacing with the atmosphere.

*Grrr...* Hit glared at Deadpool, fully aware that the moronic imbecile had just pressed a random assortment of buttons without a shred of knowledge to their function.

Deadpool shrugged back, looking affronted at the insinuation. "It worked didn't it!?"

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*

A familiar red siren blared to life, screaming at the detection of a dimensional rip mere metres away.

Deadpool clicked his seatbelt into position and reached a hand into his suit pocket. He then sighed in relief and handed a small bundle to Hit. "Wear this! The jump can get a little bumpy and we don't want those pearly whites to come loose!

Hit narrowed his eyes and extended a hesitant hand to accept the gift. Unsurprisingly, the item was utterly worthless and perverse. A slimy, red ball gag plopped into Hit's palm, wrapped in a black, elastic cord. Unexpectedly, Hit sneered at the item. "You had this all along!?"

Deadpool rushed to press the red button, fully expecting Hit to immediately decapitated him, but did a double take at the stern man's enthusiastic reply. "Oho, did I finally find your kink? About damned tim-"

*CRACK*

Hit shoved the ball gag in Deadpool's mouth and slammed his jaw closed over it, shattering most of the foulmouthed fiend's teeth. Hit then reached over his unwanted companion and slammed a fist over the blinking red button.

*BAM*

*SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*

The spaceship shook and shot into the air. Nightmarish scenes beyond the cockpit became long red streaks and an immense dimensional tear opened in the Milano's flight path. The craft blazed with gold light and blitzed into the wormhole, disappearing into a higher plane of existence...