Nick spent most of the bus ride home clutching his satchel and trying to lock away his sudden desire for alcohol. The craving had been manageable lately, but the unexpected confrontation with Judy brought it to the forefront stronger than ever.
Goddamn rabbit. Half a dozen sentences exchanged and I'm ready to hit the bottle again. How could we ever stand to be together in the first place? Why did I even have a glimmer of hope that we could end up together again?
That last thought made him straighten in his seat.
Oh god, I really did think it would work out. That somehow we'd end up proclaiming our love for each other. And instead, we screamed at each other in the middle of a coffee shop. That sums up our entire relationship.
He slumped back and rubbed his forehead.
What the actual hell is wrong with me? With us? How did we get from… what even Finn admits was nauseating happiness to wherever we are now? What changed?
Nick suddenly felt achingly lonely and miserable.
If I couldn't make it last with Judy, what hope do I have of ever having a successful relationship? Am I desperate to rekindle things with her because I think that we're meant to be together, or because I'm afraid of starting over?
He clenched his fists tight, claws pressing painfully into his palms, and tried to ignore the allure of oblivion that drinking offered.
Just get home, lock yourself in your room, and bitch at Finn when he gets home. Don't give in now.
The twenty minute bus ride stretched into an eternity, but he managed to make it into his bedroom without acquiring any liquor. Over the course of the next few hours, his anger waned and was replaced by hollow sadness.
I never even told her any of the things I wanted to say. All the big plans to clear the air and figure out a way forward – gone in a flash of anger.
When Finn finally came back, Nick was in a full-blown funk. As he described the brief encounter, Finn's mood seemed to drop until it was close to Nick's own.
"Damn," he muttered. "I was half expecting it go like that, but really hoped you two would at least be able to have a conversation." He climbed up into his chair and rubbed his head. "You know how messed up that was, don't you? Like, goin' from zero to screamin' in thirty seconds flat."
Nick graced him with a weary glare. "Gosh. You don't say. We aren't a healthy, functional pair of mammals. I don't know if I can handle this shocking news."
The little fox leveled a weary but venomous look at him. "Be as sarcastic as you want. Stupid me for hoping you could get your shit together long enough to…" he waved a paw vaguely in the air, "I don't know. Act like adults. Say what needs sayin'. Do somethin' that might let you get on with your life."
A tense silence descended. Nick could feel his jaw muscles tensing to the point that he was nearly grinding his teeth. After fuming for a long minute, he muttered, "Yeah. Well. I was hoping for that, too. And all those intentions just went out the window."
Finnick looked at Nick for a few moments before his gaze wandered around the room. "Don't take this the wrong way, Nick, and I know it's gonna sound pretty harsh. But I used to think that you two were… meant to be together. Like, forever. And then you broke up, and I was worried sick about you. Turns out I was right to worry, but that's beside the point. When you started to clean yourself up, I really thought…" he paused to collect his thoughts. "I guess I thought that somehow everything was gonna work out. Between you and her, I mean. Like… here's Nick sobering up," he said, raising a finger to some invisible point in front of him, "and here's where she welcomes you back with open arms." Finn traced a razor-straight line to another point a short distance from the first. "And it turns out that there's just… so much garbage between the two of you that I'm not so sure that'd be a happy ending anymore."
Nick sat, stunned. Somewhere deep in his subconscious, he realized, he'd felt almost exactly the same for quite a while now. Even though he'd thought that he was coming to terms with Judy-as-a-friend-only, another thought had lurked deep in his mind.
Step one, get clean.
Step two, ?
Step three, reconcile.
The fact that he had no idea what step two entailed had been an unimportant detail. But now, for the first time, he realized that step three was… not necessarily impossible, but maybe toxic. To both of them.
"Finn, I…" Wilde felt the room gently spin around him. "I'm not sure either."
The revelation that it was Friday served to disorient Nick further. He'd been so wrapped up between his meeting with Commissioner Bogo and then the encounters with Judy that his internal schedule was completely ruined. He moped around his room, brooding, for the rest of the evening and fell into an unsurprisingly fitful sleep.
He woke a little after nine the next morning, feeling unmoored from reality. Finn had left some coffee in the pot, but was gone. After a poor attempt at breakfast, Nick decided that he needed some fresh air. Or at least a change of scenery. He changed his clothes and made his way to the bus stop.
Although it was late January, the weather had taken an almost pleasant turn. The temperature was well above freezing and the sun shone in a nearly-cloudless sky. This would be a nice day for a good mood, Nick thought sourly.
With no particular plans, he decided to ride into City Center. He stared out the window of the bus as it trundled along, letting the view trigger memories. Places he'd gone with Judy. Places he'd visited as an officer. Places where he'd run a scam long ago.
As the bus idled at a traffic light, a tan and grey pattern of fur caught Nick's attention.
That can't be…
The bus started to move again as he craned his neck to get a better glimpse. On impulse, he pulled the cord above the window and heard the chime from the driver's area. When the bus stopped and opened its doors, he disembarked and backtracked a few blocks.
As he neared the small park, he verified what he thought he'd seen. Although his pace slowed, Nick felt compelled to keep walking until he stood a few paces from the bench.
"Hi, Luke."
The wolf's head snapped up. It only took a moment for his look of surprise to melt into recognition and anger. He leapt to his feet and raised his arms aggressively as a low growl started in the back of his throat.
Nick dropped his eyes to the ground and tensed, but made no move to defend himself.
Slug away. I have it coming.
When the expected strike didn't arrive, he looked slowly up again.
Luke was glaring furiously at him, fire in his orange eyes, but the growl died out and he dropped his paws. "What do you want, Wilde?" he spat.
Isn't that the question of the year?
"I don't know, honestly. To offer an apology, I guess, though you have every right to deck me and stalk away."
The wolf gave a sour, scoffing snort and threw himself back down onto the bench. "An apology. Go ahead, get it off your chest. Make yourself feel better."
Nick shifted his weight, conscious that any attempt to sit next to Luke would probably not be well received. "You have no reason to believe me, or even listen to me. But… I didn't plan for what happened."
Luke's eyes cut back up to glare at Nick again. "For 'what happened'. Tiptoe around it."
Wilde sighed. "I didn't plan to kiss Judy. I had no idea it would happen, and I definitely didn't know it would… cause this chaos."
Packton shook his head slightly but said nothing. His throat worked convulsively, and he looked as if he had a foul taste in his mouth that he couldn't get rid of.
Nick felt miserable. Although he'd only met the wolf a couple of times, he'd found Luke to be friendly, intelligent, and thoroughly likeable.
Now his wedding is in limbo because you thought it would be a good idea to kiss his fiancée.
"I'm sorry. I don't know how else to say it. This isn't what I wanted." Feeling ineffective and tongue-tied, Nick turned.
"Is she happy?" The strangled words brought him to a halt.
He turned back to face Luke. "What?"
"Is… Judy happy?" the wolf asked thickly, tears welling in his eyes.
Nick felt a sense of horror building in his stomach as he struggled with the question. "Luke, I… I don't know. I've only spoken with her once since Christmas, and that ended up in a shouting match."
Luke's face gradually fell slack as he stared at Nick. "You… haven't…"
"No, god, no. We've avoided each other until just a couple of days ago, and when we met to try to talk things out it… just didn't go well. We aren't…" he shrugged and held his paws out, "together."
Although there was a sudden spark of hope in Luke's eyes, he quickly tamped it down. "Don't jerk me around, Nick."
"I'm being completely serious. You haven't talked to her either?"
"No. I'm… trying to give her space. She moved in with one of her sisters while she…" Luke sagged again. "Figures out what she wants."
Nick reeled. All that escaped his lips was a weak "oh."
In a voice so low that it almost seemed he was talking to himself, Luke muttered, "I should cancel the wedding. If she's taking this long to make up her mind, then… I guess that's all the answer I need."
Suddenly, a flash of anger ripped through Nick. "What the actual fuck? You haven't even talked to her and you're just going to give up?"
Although he winced at Nick's sharp tone, Luke fixed him with a withering look. "Oh, sorry. I guess I can't even end a relationship right, huh?"
In frustration, Nick dragged both paws across his face. "Look, Luke. You can believe me or not, but I'm telling you that it would be a mistake."
The wolf only blinked, his muzzle wrinkled in a sneer.
"I get it, I'm the last mammal you want to listen to. But do you really think Judy wants you to make this decision for her?"
The sneer faded as Nick saw doubt enter Luke's eyes.
"You said that Judy never talked about why we split up, right?"
Visibly confused, Luke mumbled "no."
Nick took a deep breath and released it. "There were… a lot of reasons, and probably a few that we still can't even identify. But one that she specifically mentioned was that I could never let her in. In here." He tapped the side of his head forcefully. "Or in here." He thumped his fist against his chest. "Something always stopped me. Maybe it was pride. I never learned how to open up to her, to share all of my thoughts and feelings. And that drove her away. She comes from a family where they have no problems telling each other what they're thinking or feeling. Since you're engaged, I'm guessing you've had the trauma of being neck-deep in rabbits at Bunnyburrow for a weekend at least."
A faint smile came across Luke's mouth as he nodded.
Nick closed his eyes.
Why are you doing this?
Because it's the right thing to do.
He opened them again and looked at Luke. "If you love her, then talk to her. Tell her how much she means to you. Don't be afraid to embarrass yourself."
He stuffed his paws into his coat pockets and sighed again deeply. "I… we screwed things up. Things festered for so long that I don't know if there's a way we can ever get past them now. Believe me, I wish I knew how to repair the damage."
Nick dropped his shoulders and looked at the ground. "Judy is the most incredible mammal I've ever met. As much as I want to believe that I could make her really, truly happy… I just don't know if it's possible. There are… too many issues we may never be able to put to rest.
"I haven't seen the two of you together much, but it feels like you have a real chance to be happy together. To make it work. And I couldn't stand to watch you throw it away over… something stupid like pride. Over not talking to her.
"Please don't make the same mistakes I made. They wrecked me."
Nick huddled against a chilly breeze that blew past. "Call her or visit her or whatever. Tell her… what you feel. Speak from your heart. Put all your cards on the table."
A sudden idea occurred to him, and he found himself speaking before he realized it. "I'm going to do the same. I'll try one last time to clear the air and say all the things that need to be said, and then it'll be entirely in her paws. If she chooses to marry you, then I'll wish you the best and get on with my life."
Luke seemed lost in thought, considering Nick's words. "May the best mammal win, huh?" he muttered.
"No," Nick said. "May the right mammal win."
After he left the park, Nick decided to walk rather than catch another bus. He ambled vaguely in the direction of Finnick's house as his own words echoed through his head.
Gonna clear the air and say what needs saying, huh? Do you have the first clue what needs saying? Even if you manage to get through an honest, calm conversation with Judy, how can you pretend you'll be able to cope with it if she chooses Luke over you? You talk a good game when it comes to 'whatever is best for Judy', Wilde, but you know that it'll be like sticking your head underwater and forcing yourself to breathe.
It was late afternoon when he finally got back home. Finn looked over from the television and asked, "Where you been?"
Nick took off his coat and hung it in the closet. "Thinking. I ran into…"
"Not the bunny again?" Finnick snarled.
"No. Luke."
Taken aback, Finn growled, "Whoa." He turned off the television with a flick and stood. "So what happened? You don't look like you been fightin'."
The red fox gave a weak half-smile. "He… looked like he wanted to take a swing, but he didn't. He's miserable. He assumed that me and Judy were back together and was about to officially cancel the wedding."
"Wait, 'was about to'? What, you talked him out of it?"
"I… I guess I may have. At the very least, I told him he'd be an idiot if he did."
Finnick rubbed his forehead. "He was so pathetic you decided you're gonna just back away?"
Nick sucked at his teeth thoughtfully. "No. But I feel like… it's hard to explain. I feel like I gave up when things got rough, and I've been regretting it ever since. I don't want to see him go down that same path. I told him to talk to Judy and tell her how he feels." He winced in anticipation as he said, "And I said that I was going to do the same, so she can decide."
When he didn't hear the expected outburst, he carefully looked back to his friend, who wore a thoughtful expression.
"You'd be okay with that? Even if she picks the doc?"
"I'll have to find a way to be okay with it. I'm getting too old for this torture. If I can't work it out with Judy, I need to… figure something out."
"That's pretty big talk, Red. Just be careful you don't trip and land in the gutter again."
Nick spent most of the night and part of the next day trying (and failing) to distract himself. Now that he'd vocalized that he would have a heart-to-heart talk with Judy, the task loomed over him like a mountain. His bold words to Luke now felt empty; his insights into why he and Judy had parted seemed trite and questionable.
Some time just before lunch, Finnick leveled a blistering stare at him and growled "Quit agonizin' and just do it already. You're gettin' too old for this, remember?"
Nick scowled back, primarily because he knew his friend was right.
Half an hour later, Nick was staring at the phone in his paw.
Do it. You won't know a moment of peace until you get this over with. He composed a text message to Judy.
"I'm sorry for blowing up at you. Again. Can we give it another shot?"
He placed the phone down on the table and forced himself to think about something, anything, else. He'd resorted to counting and nearly reached 200 when his phone vibrated.
"Give what another shot, Nick? I'm tired of being yelled at."
He frowned thoughtfully at the phone for a moment before typing.
"Fair enough. I'm tired of yelling. I'd like to just talk about…" He paused here. After considering, he backspaced over the previous few words and typed "We really need to talk things through. Maturely."
Within seconds, the reply came back. "Are you sure you know what that means?"
Then a few seconds later: "Sorry. That was uncalled for."
Nick felt a faint smile cross his muzzle as he imagined the heavy sigh that Judy had certainly given. "No, it was mostly called for. I haven't shown the most restraint. But a serious, honest talk is long overdue."
He'd counted up to 70 when Judy's next message came through. "I can't argue with that. The restraint or the overdue part."
He snorted softly. "Can we meet? Maybe a video call if that feels better, but I think we should be able to see each other's face."
Just before he reached 100, he received a response. "Video call, I guess. When?"
"Whenever you're up to it."
He'd barely passed 30 when she replied "Give me about an hour."
An hour, Nick reflected, was possibly the worst amount of time to have to wait. It was too long to sit idle and too short to do anything really, meaningfully distracting.
He settled for taking a shower, brushing his teeth, and overthinking what he should wear. He reluctantly settled on a green half-zip pullover and black slacks. When he checked his phone, about forty minutes had elapsed since Judy's last message. He tersely explained to Finnick about the upcoming call and asked for quiet if not privacy; Finn held his paws up and said that he'd go out for a drive. Nick returned to his bedroom, arranged a few books on his desk to serve as a makeshift phone stand, and triple-checked the battery level.
When his phone finally began chiming, he nearly fell out of his chair. He took a moment to arrange himself, pressed the connect button, and carefully propped the phone up. He saw Judy, looking somewhat tired, wearing a simple light blue shirt. He smiled weakly. "Hi, Judy."
"Hello, Nick." She didn't return the smile, but didn't look hostile. "We need to establish some ground rules up front."
"Could I guess that one of them is 'no screaming'?"
That got a quick flicker of a smile. "It's a start. If either of us starts yelling, the other can hang up. And it's up to the one who hangs up to decide when, if ever, to contact the other again."
"Okay. Maybe we could agree on a time-out thing? Like if you feel yourself getting angry or overwhelmed, you can… hold up a paw and close your eyes to show you need a moment. Something to avoid getting to the yelling stage."
Judy gave a short nod. "Sounds reasonable. I'd like to say we won't need it, but…" she gave a shrug.
"Yeah. Evidence to the contrary."
A look of vague concern crossed her face. "Before we really get down to it, could I… I just want to try to explain why the voicemail thing got me so upset."
Nick bit back the don't-worry-about-it response that sprung to his lips. "If you feel it's important, then sure."
She took a deep breath and said, "I know it… it's been bugging me. How crazy I looked, getting angry that you listened to a voicemail I left you. And I just want to try to explain how that happened, okay?"
He gave her a somber nod.
"After we… after you left so suddenly, I tried calling you but couldn't bring myself to leave a message. When I called Finnick, he told me not to contact you anymore. So I stopped.
"But I was making myself sick, not knowing whether you were okay or if he'd even managed to find you. The next evening, I called and got a message that said… I don't remember, but it sent me straight to voicemail. That freaked me out a little more, because I thought maybe your phone had died, so I just… kind of babbled, I don't even remember what I said.
"Then I tried to text you. The text came back as undeliverable, saying something like 'the recipient has refused messages from this number.' So then at least I knew that I'd been blocked."
Judy shifted slightly, rubbing one ear self-consciously.
"I don't know why text messages are refused but voicemails are still recorded, but I started to feel embarrassed about the hysterical one I'd already left. So I called again and started to apologize for the earlier message. And it just sort of turned into… I ended up talking about a lot of things. And by the time I was done, I felt better. Like a weight had been lifted."
Her mouth creased with a gentle smile and her eyes softened, as if remembering the release.
"A few days later, I was feeling really down and called your number again. And it was almost like a therapy session. Or maybe it's what going to confession feels like. I felt unburdened. It was addictive. Before long, I'd almost completely forgotten that it was actually your phone number, if that makes sense.
"I think I called close to twenty times. Sometimes I talked about us, sometimes I talked about Luke, sometimes I talked about my family, sometimes I just talked about the weather that day. Any time there was something on my mind.
"When you told me you'd listened, at first I thought they'd all come through and you'd listened to every single one of them, and… a big surge of panic hit. And close behind was embarrassment over the panic, because I'd recorded a bunch of voicemails, why wouldn't you have listened?
"Somewhere in the middle of my meltdown, it finally registered that you were only talking about one message, the one I'd recorded after we met outside of City Hall. But I still felt violated, like you'd snooped through my diary or something, and besides, we were already screaming at each other and then you left."
Judy rubbed her eyes and sighed. "I know that's not much of an explanation. But… Nick, I didn't just leave a message that you ended up listening to after I thought it had been deleted. I'd gotten into the habit of… what I thought of as talking into a hole and then filling it in. I thought the words would just… disappear somehow. So I'm sorry for reacting the way I did."
Nick cleared his throat and swallowed. "Oh. That explains a lot. I… actually feel really bad for listening, worse than before. I would have never opened it if I'd only known…"
"That's just it," Judy interrupted gently. "There was no way for you to know."
"Even so, I'm really sorry for exploding at you when you got upset. That didn't help anything."
Judy's mouth hitched up on one side in a tired half-smile. "We both got a little out of line."
He felt a smirk form. "Every reaction has an equal and opposite overreaction."
The smile on Judy's muzzle bloomed to full strength. "There's the Wilde snark I miss."
He let the cocky grin fade. "Are you doing okay, Judy? You seem really… worn down."
She ran a paw down her face as the smile fled. "Yeah, it's… things are kind of piling up on me lately."
Nick looked away from her eyes. "I ran into Luke yesterday."
The tired look intensified and worry came into her eyes. "Oh. Did he seem… okay?"
"Honestly? No. He's kind of a wreck." He paused. "I think he assumed that we were a couple again."
Judy's eyebrows flew upwards. "He what?"
"Well, he asked me if you were happy. It took me by surprise, too."
Her ears fell against her back. "I, uh, moved out for a while. It didn't seem fair to stay there while… until I made a decision."
Nick nodded his head slightly. "He mentioned that you'd moved in with one of your sisters. I didn't know any of them had come to the city."
"Violet moved here a couple of years ago. She's been pretty gracious about the whole thing."
Nick breathed deeply. Okay. Here's the big topic. "About that big decision."
A haunted look crept into Judy's eyes. "I guess that's one of the things I mentioned in the voicemail."
"Yeah. It's… something we really, really need to talk about."
Judy's expression melted from haunted to miserable. "We do."
"I have kind of a lot of things to say, and I'm not sure whether they'll all come out right, or even whether I'll be able to say them all, but I'm going to try.
"I guess it's not much of a secret, especially after Christmas, that I still… have some feelings for you. Things got pretty weird right after the kiss, and…"
"Nick, stop for a second." If she looked miserable before, now Judy looked almost in physical pain. "That 'weirdness'. What happened, exactly?"
Nick winced involuntarily in recollection. "I guess I'd closed my eyes when we kissed, and when I opened them, you looked… horrified. I couldn't tell exactly what was going on, but you looked like you were going to be sick."
Judy's brow wrinkled in honest confusion. "Sick? I…" Realization dawned. "No, Nick. I was feeling a lot of things, but not horror or disgust. Not at you."
She shifted and sighed. "I was hit by a lot of emotions that I didn't realize were there, and then a lot of guilt. Maybe it wasn't cheating on Luke in the most technical sense, but I felt like I'd betrayed him as badly as I possibly could have."
Her tired, sad eyes flickered up to look at Nick, then back away. "It's pathetic to think about things like that in the middle of a sudden kiss, but…"
Now it was Nick's turn to gently interrupt. "No, not pathetic. It's about as Judy a thing as I can imagine. And I don't mean that in a bad way."
A brief smile flickered across her lips, but her eyes were still mournful. "I'm sorry if that's what made you bolt. We didn't talk for a month over… a misunderstanding."
Nick scratched his claws across the top of his head rapidly. "Add it to the list. The long list."
He vented another heavy sigh. He was starting to feel as tired as Judy looked. "That's one of the complications. I'm still trying to work things out in my head, Judy, but I think I still love you."
He saw her reaction, her breath catch in her throat, and hurried onwards. "And that's a complication because… we've had a pretty tough time. Between misunderstandings, arguments, and half-forgotten grudges, there's just a lot of… bad history between us. And the fight in the coffee shop made me realize that somehow…"
He paused to grope for words. "Somehow, we ended up planting land mines all around ourselves. And with one wrong step, everything can just… explode."
Judy was listening intently but looked more stricken than ever. "What are you saying? You don't think we could ever be together again?"
Nick felt his own ears fold back against his skull. "I don't know. I want to believe we could, I want that more than I can tell you. But I can't stop thinking that maybe too much damage has already been done."
He saw that Judy's eyes were beginning to sparkle as tears began to build. "Please, Judy, I have to get this out."
He closed his eyes for another cleansing breath.
"You know all my tricks. When I'm trying to pull a con, when I'm telling a deadpan joke, when I'm outright lying. This is why I wanted you to be able to see my face, to tell that I'm being as serious as I can possibly be.
"We had our time. It was the best part of my life, and I wouldn't trade a moment of it. But I can't promise that, if we became a couple again, that we wouldn't break up again over the old, bad blood that just keeps coming up. And if that happened, if we split up again, I don't know whether I'd survive it.
"You can have a fresh start with Luke. If he makes you happy, if you love him, then he's a better choice than I am. He doesn't… have the same long trail of mistakes or the hard path ahead those mistakes have earned him. He's a good mammal. And from what I saw yesterday, he's devastated without you."
Judy held up a paw, closed her eyes and turned her head. Her other paw was over her mouth and tears streamed down her face. Nick felt a prickle behind his own eyelids as he watched her struggle to regain her composure with ragged breaths.
Gradually, she gathered her strength and scrubbed savagely at her eyes. When she finally looked back at the phone, her gaze was cold and hard. "You don't get to…"
Nick waved his paws frantically. "No, no. Please understand, Judy. I'm not trying to decide for you, or… make some noble sacrifice so that there's no real choice. I'm trying to be open and honest so you can make the best decision.
"If you decide to marry Luke, then I'll… I'll show up at your wedding all smiles, hug you, and shake his paw and tell him what a lucky wolf he is. If you decide not to, then… I guess we'll have to figure out what happens next if we get there."
Still she glared into the camera, but with less heat. "I… I want to feel so angry at you right now, but I don't even know why."
A sad hint of a smile fell across Nick's features. "May I refer you to the long list that was previously mentioned?"
For a moment, Judy was frozen with a wide-eyed expression of confusion, and then she erupted in a gale of loud laughter. After an extended effort and a few snorts, she got control of herself and wiped an eye again. "Whew. I really needed to laugh."
Nick did his best attempt at sketching out an exaggerated bow.
The remainder of her smile faded and sadness overtook her features again. "This isn't going to be an easy decision," she said.
"The important ones usually aren't," Nick said with an offhandedness he didn't feel.
She sighed yet again, although this one was more shallow. "Thank you for… talking things out with me. I wish we'd done this more often."
A pang of grief hit Nick. "I do too."
Her purple eyes looked off to one side as she thought. "I think I'm going to spend some time talking with Violet. She's usually a good listener, and maybe she can help me… untangle my thoughts."
"On a completely unrelated note, could you please tell Violet I'm genuinely sorry about that time I said her glasses made her look much older than she is?"
Judy cut her eyes back to Nick and grinned. "Have a joke ready for any occasion, don't you?"
Nick's throat tightened yet again, but he managed to say, "Always. Take care, Judy."
She managed a genuine smile and said, "Bye, Nick."
He managed to press the disconnect button before the tears started. He sat for a long time, shoulders shaking and warm drops pattering onto his chest and legs.
When the torrent finally ended, he stepped into the bathroom and scrubbed his face with more force than necessary. After he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror while drying, he scowled and turned off the light.
Now that he'd cried (no, Slick, let's be precise, you sobbed), he felt… strange. Empty, almost, but at the same time so heavy he could barely move. He fished his phone out of the pocket where he'd stuffed it and noted with detachment that it was nearly five in the evening. A growling twinge from his stomach reminded him that he'd been too agitated to think about lunch. He oozed into the kitchen and opened the freezer, but was unable to do anything more than stare vacantly at its contents. He dragged himself back into the living room and collapsed onto the couch.
When his phone chirped, he blinked and noticed that the windows had begun to grow dark. Moving gingerly, he drew his phone out again and saw a message from Finnick. "U done?"
Nick stared at the screen, finally understanding the question with effort.
"Yeah."
A few seconds later: "Hungry?"
This question seemed to be nearly unanswerable. Although his belly was starting to ache, Nick felt no desire to quell it. After a long, slow blink, he compromised with the reply "I could eat."
Finn's reply seemed to come back almost as soon as Nick pressed send. "Be there in 20 with food."
He couldn't be bothered to respond, so he simply lay his head back on the couch.
Then Finnick was there. As he dropped a bag on the table, he looked Nick over and grumbled, "You look wrecked."
Nick returned his gaze for a moment, then let his eyes wander away. Finn paused in rummaging through the bag and said, "Anything you wanna talk about?"
Wilde considered the question, then shook his head no. He saw Finn lower his eyebrows and open his mouth to speak, so he added "Maybe tomorrow."
After a slight hesitation, the smaller fox nodded and handed him a container of food.
Nick slowly ate some of the food without tasting it until the pangs in his stomach began to subside. Finn eyeballed Nick with a worried expression as he ate, but held his tongue.
When Nick stood with a certain amount of stiffness and began ambling towards his bedroom, Finn said, "Hey. When you're ready, I'm here to listen. Okay?"
Nick looked over his shoulder and gave him the briefest shadow of a smile.
The next morning, Finn floated the idea that Nick stay home from work, which was flatly rejected. He kept gently probing to see whether Nick wanted to talk, but these attempts were also politely but firmly rebuffed. They rode together in silence.
Coogan didn't take long to pick up on Nick's mood. His questions were likewise deflected; as the day wore on, Nick relented enough to give a very terse summary of what had happened in the past few days. The old cat apologized for prying, which Nick waved away, and let him be for the rest of the day.
On the ride home, Nick began to notice that the odd, empty/heavy feeling from yesterday had gradually given way to… a sort of tranquility.
The die is cast, he thought with detachment. There's nothing to do but wait.
Haltingly at first, he began to talk to Finnick. He talked about their discussion in broad strokes; he mentioned that the argument in the café and the aftermath of the kiss were no longer mysteries but went into no details.
"So you did like you said. Talked up the doc and pointed out how you two always seem to poke each other in the eye," Finn muttered with a grim expression.
"I probably wouldn't put it like that, but… yeah. I told her how I felt but… more or less the eye-poking thing."
The little fox ruffled the fur on his head with one paw. "So it's all up to her, and you just gotta wait to hear one way or the other."
"Looks like it."
Finnick squinted at Nick. "And you ain't feelin' like a drink or twenty?"
Nick paused thoughtfully. "No."
Now that I think about it, the idea never crossed my mind.
Finn grinned widely enough to show his incisors. "Damn, Nick. That's reason to be happy, at least."
A weak shrug. "Guess."
"It'll sink in once this…" he waved his paw, "numbness wears off."
Another shrug. "Guess."
Feeling gradually crept back into Nick's mind over the next week.
He maintained the same routine as before: sleep, work, eat. Sometimes he talked to Finn, sometimes he quietly sat in his room.
He looked over the information that Bogo had forwarded but couldn't bring himself to pursue it further.
Once I hear from Judy, maybe I can decide. Decide whether to apply here, or… maybe pack up and move somewhere else.
Although it felt like he was in suspended animation, he found a curious comfort in the sensation. No immediate goals to fret over, no outstanding issues he needed to take care of. Life, for the moment, was a relatively simple process of continuing to breathe along with some minor maintenance.
While lying in bed one night, he had a thought that gave him a nasty jolt.
What if she chooses to marry Luke but decides not to tell me?
After sitting up with heart hammering, he managed to calm himself back down.
Judy wouldn't do that. She'd see it as a coward's way out, and she isn't a coward.
The panic passed but sleep eluded him for several hours after the incident.
As the days wafted past, he wondered whether Luke had taken his unsolicited advice.
I hope you did. I was sincerely trying to steer you in the right direction.
He began to wonder if he'd have listened if the roles had been reversed, and abandoned the train of thought after a short while.
Maybe. Probably not. Doesn't matter much.
He thought about reaching out to the wolf until he pondered how to open the conversation.
So doc, hope you're doing well. Has Judy decided to go through with the wedding? I was just wondering, as one does.
The following Sunday, that indescribable sensation of tranquility descended upon him again. Things looked more in focus, as if he'd put on a pair of glasses he'd lost. Colors seemed sharper.
He felt a complete lack of surprise when his phone rang. He pulled it from his pocket with a steady hand and looked calmly at the screen.
Incoming voice call from Juby Hopps.
Behind the words, he saw the dispassionate reflection of his own face.
He paused for three long beats as if waiting for a cue. Then in one fluid motion, he pressed Accept call and brought the phone to his ear.
"Hello, Judy."
Author's Note: This was my original, planned ending to Beyond the End: an ambiguous note where the reader could decide what they felt would be the most fitting ending.
However.
I could not leave well enough alone. I ended up writing a very short epilogue to end it more definitively.
If you like this ambiguous ending, do not read the next chapter.
- Barney